The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self Compassion: Kristin Neff at TEDxCentennialParkWomen

Summary

The speaker, a self-compassion advocate, shares her journey of discovering the concept during a challenging period and its profound impact on her life. She contrasts self-compassion with self-esteem, highlighting the pitfalls of the latter, such as narcissism and social comparison. Self-compassion, with its three core components—kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness—offers a healthier way to relate to oneself, leading to improved mental health and well-being. The talk emphasizes the importance of embracing self-compassion for personal growth and resilience.

Takeaways

• 📚 The speaker is a self-compassion evangelist, having devoted a decade to researching its mental health benefits and developing interventions to promote it.
• 💡 Self-compassion was first encountered by the speaker during a difficult period post-divorce, which led to a profound personal realization of its importance.
• 🔑 Self-compassion is distinguished from self-esteem, which is a judgment of self-worth, whereas self-compassion involves treating oneself with kindness, similar to how one would treat a good friend.
• 🤔 The pursuit of high self-esteem can lead to problematic social dynamics, such as narcissism, bullying, and prejudice, as individuals strive to feel superior to others.
• 🚫 Self-esteem is contingent on success, which can result in negative self-perception and depression when individuals fail to meet their own standards.
• 🧘 Self-compassion has three core components: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. These components promote a healthy relationship with oneself despite flaws and failures.
• 🌐 Common humanity emphasizes that imperfection is a shared human experience, countering the isolating feelings that can accompany personal struggles.
• 🌱 Mindfulness in self-compassion involves acknowledging and accepting one's suffering in the present moment, which is essential for providing oneself with the necessary compassion.
• 🔄 Self-criticism, often mistaken for motivation, actually undermines it by triggering the body's stress response and leading to depression and avoidance of challenges.
• 🤝 Self-compassion, on the other hand, activates the mammalian caregiving system, reducing stress hormones and promoting a sense of safety and well-being, which enhances motivation.
• 🌟 Research supports that self-compassion is strongly related to mental well-being, including less depression, anxiety, and stress, and is linked to positive states such as happiness and life satisfaction.
• 💖 Personal anecdotes from the speaker highlight the transformative power of self-compassion in navigating life's challenges, including the diagnosis of a child with autism.

Q & A

What is the main focus of the speaker's research career?

The speaker's research career has been focused on studying the mental health benefits of self-compassion and developing interventions to help people become more compassionate to themselves.

How did the speaker first encounter the concept of self-compassion?

The speaker first encountered self-compassion in 1997 when she joined a local Buddhist meditation group during a difficult time in her life, including a messy divorce and stress over her PhD completion and job prospects.

What is the difference between self-compassion and self-esteem according to the speaker?

Self-compassion involves treating oneself with kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness, whereas self-esteem is a global evaluation of self-worth, often contingent on success and leading to comparisons with others.

Why can high self-esteem be problematic?

High self-esteem can be problematic because it often requires individuals to feel special and above-average, which can lead to negative social dynamics such as narcissism, bullying, and prejudice.

What are some of the negative social dynamics that can result from the need to feel better than others?

Negative social dynamics include narcissism, bullying, and prejudice, as individuals may feel the need to put others down to feel better about themselves or to enhance their own self-esteem.

How does self-compassion differ from self-esteem in terms of motivation?

Self-compassion is more about relating to oneself kindly and embracing one's flaws, which can actually reduce stress and increase motivation, unlike self-esteem, which is contingent on success and can undermine motivation when one fails.

What are the three core components of self-compassion as defined by the speaker?

The three core components of self-compassion are self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

How does self-criticism affect our bodies physiologically?

Self-criticism activates our body's threat-defense system, leading to the release of stress hormones like cortisol, which can result in high stress levels and potentially depression.

What is the role of the mammalian caregiving system in self-compassion?

The mammalian caregiving system allows us to feel safe by responding to warmth, gentle touch, and soft vocalizations. When we practice self-compassion, we activate this system, reducing cortisol levels and releasing feel-good hormones like oxytocin and opiates.

How has self-compassion personally benefited the speaker?

The speaker has personally benefited from self-compassion by being able to navigate difficult life events, such as her son's autism diagnosis, with greater ease and by maintaining a stable sense of self-worth even during challenging times.

What is the speaker's final message about self-compassion?

The speaker's final message is an invitation for everyone, especially women, to practice self-compassion as it can be life-changing, emphasizing that being compassionate to oneself is not selfish but rather a way to have more love and support available for others.