Data Scientist Exposes Men & Women’s Real Dating Preferences
Summary
TLDRThis insightful script explores the surprising lessons from data on achieving success in dating. It highlights the advantage of being an extreme version of oneself to attract polarized interest, rather than aiming for average appeal. The speaker emphasizes the importance of psychological traits over superficial ones for long-term happiness, suggesting that focusing on shared similarities can increase dating success. The discussion challenges conventional dating strategies, advocating for a shift in priorities towards genuine compatibility and happiness.
Takeaways
- 😎 The most successful daters are often conventionally attractive people like Brad Pitt and Natalie Portman, who effortlessly attract attention.
- 🌟 For those not conventionally attractive, being polarizing can be beneficial in dating. Embrace an extreme version of yourself to attract those who are really into you.
- 📊 The speaker emphasizes the importance of being authentic and 'nerdy' in his own dating life, which attracted his partner who appreciates that quality.
- 🤔 The data suggests that trying to appeal to everyone by toning down unique traits might be counterproductive in the dating world.
- 🔢 In online dating, even those with lower attractiveness ratings have a significant chance of success when they ask out people who are more attractive, especially for women.
- 💌 The key to dating 'out of your league' may involve being an extreme version of oneself and asking a large number of people out to increase the chances of getting a positive response.
- 🧐 A study of 11,000 couples revealed that psychological factors like secure attachment style, growth mindset, and conscientiousness are more predictive of relationship happiness than superficial traits.
- 💔 There is a disconnect between what people find attractive in dating apps and what actually leads to long-term happiness in relationships.
- 🏆 The competition for conventionally attractive partners is fierce, and even if one succeeds, there may be underlying psychological reasons for their availability.
- 🤝 People are drawn to those who are similar to them in various aspects, including race, religion, education, and even shared initials, which can be leveraged in dating strategies.
- 💡 The advice to focus less on superficial traits and more on finding someone with good psychological qualities can make dating easier and more fulfilling.
Q & A
What is the main point made by Christian Rudder in his book 'Dataclysm' regarding successful daters?
-Christian Rudder argues that the most successful daters are typically conventionally attractive individuals like Brad Pitt and Natalie Portman. However, there are also people with extreme looks, such as those who shave their heads or have unconventional hair colors, who do surprisingly well in dating due to their polarizing appearance.
What strategy does the speaker suggest for individuals who are not conventionally attractive to improve their dating success?
-The speaker suggests that individuals who are not conventionally attractive should embrace an extreme version of themselves to become polarizing. This way, while some people may be turned off, others will be genuinely attracted, increasing the chances of finding a compatible partner.
How did the speaker apply the concept of being an 'extreme version of oneself' in his own dating life?
-The speaker applied this concept by fully embracing his nerdy personality. He ordered an iPhone case with a happiness chart to constantly remind himself to make data-driven decisions, which is a reflection of his geeky nature.
What is the significance of the study led by Samantha Joel in predicting romantic happiness?
-Samantha Joel's study, involving 11,000 couples and multiple variables, found that psychological variables such as secure attachment style, growth mindset, conscientiousness, and life satisfaction have some predictive power on romantic happiness, while superficial traits like conventional attractiveness and partner's height have little to no predictive power.
What does the speaker suggest about the relationship between physical attractiveness and long-term relationship happiness?
-The speaker suggests that there is a disconnect between physical attractiveness and long-term relationship happiness. While people are often drawn to beauty, it is the psychological traits that are more likely to contribute to a happy and successful relationship.
What is the advice given by the speaker regarding the pursuit of dating someone who is more attractive or desirable than oneself?
-The speaker advises to be an extreme version of oneself and to ask out many people. By doing so, even with a small chance of success per individual, the overall probability of finding a match increases significantly.
How does the speaker describe the competition for individuals with highly desirable traits in the dating market?
-The speaker describes the competition as ferocious, noting that the pursuit of these individuals can lead to a significant amount of time spent single and potentially complaining about the lack of success in dating.
What is the role of similarity in dating according to the speaker?
-According to the speaker, similarity plays a significant role in dating. People are drawn to others who share similar traits, such as race, religion, education level, and even something as trivial as sharing initials, which can give a bonus in online dating.
What is the concept of 'Jewish privilege' mentioned by the speaker, and how does it relate to dating?
-The concept of 'Jewish privilege' refers to the speaker's observation that the quality of his dates was higher within the Jewish community due to a similarity bias, even though religion was not a significant factor for him personally.
What is the speaker's final advice for individuals struggling with dating?
-The speaker's final advice is to care less about superficial traits and focus on finding someone with good psychological traits that can lead to long-term happiness. He also suggests using strategies and taking advantage of any 'privilege' to increase dating success.
Outlines
💑 The Power of Being Polarizing in Dating
The first paragraph discusses the surprising findings from Christian Rudder's book 'Dataclysm', which suggests that the most successful daters are either extremely attractive like Brad Pitt and Natalie Portman or those with polarizing looks, such as shaved heads or unconventional hair colors. The speaker emphasizes the importance of being an extreme version of oneself to attract a niche audience. They share personal experiences of embracing their nerdiness, which eventually attracted a partner who appreciated that quality. The paragraph concludes with the idea that in dating, it's not about appealing to everyone but finding a few who are genuinely interested.
🔍 The Disconnect Between Attraction and Relationship Happiness
The second paragraph delves into a study led by Samantha Joel, which analyzed data from 11,000 couples to determine predictors of romantic happiness. The study found that psychological factors such as secure attachment style, growth mindset, conscientiousness, and life satisfaction were more predictive of relationship happiness than superficial attributes like physical attractiveness or partner's occupation. The speaker highlights the irony that dating apps often prioritize the very traits that have little impact on long-term happiness, suggesting that people should focus less on physical characteristics and more on psychological compatibility.
🤔 Leveraging Similarity and Extremes in Dating Strategies
The third paragraph explores the concept of similarity bias in dating, where people are more likely to match with others who share similar traits, including race, religion, education, and even initials. The speaker humorously points out the irrationality of such preferences, using the example of a preference for shared initials increasing the likelihood of a match. They also touch on the idea of 'privilege' within certain dating pools, such as the Jewish community, and how this can be advantageous. The paragraph concludes with advice to prioritize finding a partner who is genuinely nice and compatible over superficial traits, and to use data-driven strategies when aiming to date someone considered 'out of one's league'.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Data Clism
💡Polarizing
💡Nerdiness
💡Happiness
💡Desirability Ratings
💡Online Dating
💡Physical Attractiveness
💡Psychological Traits
💡Similarity Bias
💡Competition
💡Long-term Relationship Happiness
Highlights
The most successful daters are typically conventionally attractive people like Brad Pitt and Natalie Portman.
Polarizing looks can be surprisingly successful in dating, such as extreme hairstyles or unique fashion choices.
Embracing one's unique traits can attract people who are genuinely interested, even if it repels others.
Being an extreme version of oneself in dating can lead to finding a partner who is truly into you.
The speaker emphasizes being authentically nerdy in his own dating life, which attracted his partner.
Data suggests that trying to tone down one's nerdiness may be counterproductive in dating.
Online dating studies show that people are more successful when they ask out others who are more attractive than themselves.
The odds of receiving a positive response increase significantly when one asks out multiple people.
Physical attractiveness and other superficial traits have little predictive power on long-term relationship happiness.
Psychological variables such as secure attachment style and conscientiousness are more indicative of relationship happiness.
There is a disconnect between what people prioritize in dating and what actually leads to happiness.
Competition for conventionally attractive traits is fierce, which may lead to prolonged singlehood.
People may be single because they are trying to date a small pool of individuals that everyone desires.
There may be psychological reasons why highly attractive individuals are still single.
The speaker suggests that physical characteristics may not correlate with positive psychological traits.
People are drawn to others who share similarities, including race, religion, and even initials.
Taking advantage of similarity bias can increase the chances of dating success.
The speaker recommends focusing on finding someone nice and psychologically compatible for long-term happiness.
Using strategies like asking out many people and leveraging similarity can help in dating more attractive individuals.
Transcripts
what were the big lessons that you
learned from data about being successful
in dating then
there are like a lot of different
lessons uh
there are okay so one of them is from
i i love this people may have heard of
it but i if you haven't you need to know
it uh christian rudder wrote this
excellent book data clism and he made
the point that the most successful
daters
are like
the the very most successful daters are
exactly who you'd expect they're like
brad pitt and natalie portman just
beautiful people and they just get like
it's depressing how much better they do
than the average person uh like uh
but then like they're these
there are these daters that do
shockingly well and they're people with
extreme looks
like people who shave their head
like what heterosexual women who shave
their head or have crazy glasses or blue
hair or all these things and the point
is in dating you want to be polarizing
so if you're brad pitt or natalie
portman you just want to be yourself and
not scare anybody just like play very
safe
let the goodies flood to you but if you
are not natalie poorman or brad pitt or
you're not like conventionally the most
attractive person you got to kind of
lean into some extreme version yourself
and then
some people will be totally turned off
but some people will be really into you
and that's kind of what's that's all
that matters you just need some people
who are really into you and i kind of
did that in my own life because
i think it's not going to surprise
anybody that
like i'm pretty nerdy i mean anybody
read don't trust your gut would be like
this guy's pretty nerdy like uh
there's this one study where they list
the happiest they have a chart with the
happy how much happiness every activity
gives people and i literally ordered an
iphone
case with that chart on it so i could
look at the data when i'm deciding what
to do things so i'm like the nerdiest
like i'm maybe one of the nerdiest
people
you know anybody's encountered and i
think when i was single
like a lot of nerds i'm like well what
do i do to you know i'm heterosexual to
you know attract women
and
i'm like okay well i gotta you know tone
it down be less nerdy
uh be you know like you know get rid of
the glasses get
get like you know stop talking about the
charts and the tables and the math and
like you know learn talk more about
what you're
you're taught that uh the average woman
is into and i think the data suggests
the exact opposite like nerd it up go
all in on who you are and then you'll
just be polarizing but you don't in
dating you don't want to be like average
to people you want to be like the
extreme something that's uh the most
the most appealing well because you're
not optimizing for total area under the
curve are you you only need a couple of
winners
and yeah and exactly and you know well i
like how you think a couple of winners
gotta have a variety right
i'm monogamous so i was just looking for
one winner but uh
uh
but i yeah and my uh girlfriend
literally she was
uh talking to her friends and they're
like what's your type and everyone's
going through their type like tall dark
and handsome this that and she's like my
type is nerdy
like that was her type and she's not
even that dirty herself her type was
nerdy and then you know and here i am if
i had not played off my dirtiness i
wouldn't have
had a chance i think the
the thing that the other big dating
thing
is you to put yourself out there way
more
uh so they've done these studies
on like what happens when people have
different
attractiveness or desirability ratings
message someone else on on an online
dating site
it's like what happens when a one
message is 10 on an online dating site
and before i saw the data
i'm like this is a bloodbath this is
like a one asking out a 10 i mean or
investing 10 we're talking about like uh
one in a million a one billion like come
on like that that's not going to happen
and
the data says
for a heterosexual man one asking out a
heterosexual 10 it's like
14
and for a heterosexual woman asking out
one ass going after a heterosexual man
it's like 30
so like when you actually do the math
the key to getting like if you if you
want to date out of your league which i
don't necessarily recommend because i
always have a section how
physical conventional attraction is the
most overvalued
thing in the in the day market but let's
be honest everybody's trying to
like everybody is curious how can i date
someone who's way more beautiful or way
more desirable than me
and i think it's a combination of being
an extreme version of yourself and then
asking tons of people out
uh because like if you have a 14 chance
on one go then you actually do the math
if you ask like 30 people out you have
like a 98 chance so like all you got to
do is just keep on going after it and a
lot of people are gonna be like no no no
no no and eventually
uh you're gonna get your
your yes
and then they're yeah there there are
other things i can keep going there but
what was the insight around physical
attractiveness and happiness
yeah so they've done studies of like 11
000 couples and they tried to predict
what
uh what predicts romantic happiness so
samantha joel led this study uh and it's
like the big it's like a revolutionary
study of romantic happiness they've they
used machine learning models there were
86 scientists studying it uh like 11 000
couples they had hundreds of variables
like anything you could could consider
test and the first thing is it's very
hard in general to predict who's happy
like the predictive models are just way
worse than you might imagine it's not
like
uh
predicting
i don't know predicting like
the weather tomorrow or something it's
like predicting the weather in like
three years
like it's it's it's harder than you than
you'd guess
but that said
the things that
matt that do have at least some
predictive power whether whether i'm
happy with someone else whether a
particular person had someone else the
qualities the other person that seemed
to have some predictive power
are like these psychological variables
so secure attachment style growth
mindset conscientiousness satisfaction
with life
uh kind of like good
psychological variables and the things
that don't have that have like basically
no predictive power are a lot of
superficial things so conventional
attractiveness
or the height of your partner uh the
particular occupation of your partner uh
many things like that and so all of the
things that online apps optimize for on
the front end yeah yeah so like so yeah
so
it's it i think like the mate the major
insight from the data on
dating and romance is there's just a
total disconnect between what people are
trying to
like what people are swiping for or
trying to
uh
date and what actually makes people
happy
uh you know will people change based on
knowing that i don't know
i think it may be coded in our dna that
we're drawn to like beauty and
you know height and status and
uh but
like if
if you can i really do recommend
uh overruling some of those instincts
because they're really not a path
uh to long-term happiness and
like the other thing is you have to
think is that
the competition for these traits is so
enormous
that like even if you win over someone
like
if you if you win over someone who is
this you know great beauty or a woman
everybody every woman's they're i think
the data is
85 percent of women or i don't remember
the exact number have like
six foot or above on bumble or whatever
it is it's something i think is only 14
of men in the u.s
yeah yeah and it's like and like
uh
so the competition for these people are
hero are is ferocious and you have to
think that if you
first of all
if you try to take these people
you may spend a huge percent of your
life single and complaining that you're
single like i think a lot of people who
are perpetually single they're trying to
date
the small number of people that
everybody's trying to date
uh
and number two
if you do win them over
you may find that
they are
like that there's a reason that they
were single even though they have all
these traits that everybody's desiring
so maybe their psychological traits are
a little bit
uh subpar i would love to see i would
love to see the um physical
characteristics mapped with the
psychological traits you know what are
the correlates between are taller people
on average more conscientious and more
industrious or yeah more balanced
because that would be fascinating to see
because it it could be
it actually could be that in order to be
with someone who's hot you need to
sacrifice being with someone who's
psychologically it's probably not likely
right they're probably pretty just
randomly spread but that could be the
case
i think if you're not hot and you want
to date someone hot then you probably do
have to sacrifice yeah well if you're
like
if you're hot yourself then you're
probably like okay you probably you know
it's probably it's somewhat of a market
uh you're probably in better and better
you can always
date across and down yeah well the the
interesting thing there is what what
you're kind of saying is similar to what
john burgess says in uh make the first
move
where
it's it's it's not lowering your
standards
it's changing what your standards
consist of because what you're saying is
that what you think your standards
should be aren't what they should be
you're optimizing for the wrong
parameters what you're optimizing for is
something like height and job title and
a bunch of things which aren't going to
impact the thing that you ultimately
want which is long-term relationship
happiness what you need to do is reset
that and by doing that you actually open
up an entire new market which is less
competitive potentially untapped and
significantly more linear between where
you are and where you want to be in
terms of happiness
yeah but nobody wants to hear that
advice
[ __ ] dating advice how do i get the hot
person so how
the way to get the hot person is to be
an extreme version of yourself and ask
out lots of people and the oh the other
thing i didn't say
is take advantage of similarity
so
uh
people are incredibly drawn this is also
shown in date in uh dating apps to
people who are similar to themselves
like on every trait you can imagine so
race people are drawn to people are
similar themselves uh religion
uh
like high height to some degree uh even
like college people don't just want to
date someone of a similar education
level they like show a bonus to someone
who went to their exact same university
uh even if it's like relative to someone
in a so similar ranked university
uh that you know there's and then oh my
favorite example of this
is
we're 11.3 percent more likely on online
dating
apps to match with someone who shares
our initials
uh which is so ridiculous like come on
initials like sharing your initials is
not the path to long-term happiness
but
so so i think there's a lot of
irrationality that but you can take
advantage of that in that try like if
you share your initials with someone
definitely ask them out because you have
this bonus
all right you've got like the multiplier
that's the 11.4 multiplier on that oh
well she's a she's a 9 out of 10. but
she does have my initials so if i take
that she's actually only re she's like a
a parameter adjusted eight and a half
with when we account for the the name
buyers
but yeah and i think i learned this in
my single life
where i am jewish
and
but i'm not religious at all and i
always pride myself on not caring about
uh
religion like i would be happy to date
somebody of any religious background any
cultural background whatever it's not
something that i view is very very
important to me
but i did kind of notice
that the quality of my dates were always
higher with the jewish community than
the non-jewish community because of this
similarity bias so even if i don't care
like even if it's not a preference for
me and i can take advantage of the fact
that it's a preference for other people
and i should probably be more likely to
go to like a singles event for jewish
people than a singles event for
non-jewish people because in the
non-jewish singles event i'm going to be
a five or whatever but yeah jewish
jewish privilege man the jewish
privilege and the jewish
i know what you mean
it's chinese privilege in the chinese
event it's asian privilege in that yeah
i understand
and it's like it's true for asian
males as well they're i talk about the
there's a huge prejudice against asian
males in online dating uh but there's
much less pr prejudice from asian women
in this
in this group so yeah it's it's a
privilege that like
you know yeah
again my major advice is care less about
these superficial things and just try to
find someone who's like really nice and
could make you happy and if you can get
to that mindset
you're gonna find dating way way easier
uh but
if you want to date like a hot person
then you have to use all these
strategies and and everything that i
think are justified the data use your
privilege uh is is one of them what's
happening people if you enjoyed that
then press here for the full unedited
episode and don't forget to subscribe
peace
you
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