You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation
Summary
TLDRThe video explains Deborah Tannen's book *You Just Don’t Understand*, which explores the differences in communication styles between men and women. Women excel in emotional communication, focusing on connection and intimacy, while men use report-style communication to maintain status and independence. Misunderstandings in relationships often arise from these differing approaches. The video emphasizes that understanding and adapting to these styles can improve relationships, both personal and professional, and offers insights into how communication shapes interactions in everyday life.
Takeaways
- 🗣️ Men and women often use different communication styles, which can lead to misunderstandings in both intimate relationships and everyday interactions.
- 👥 Women excel at emotional communication, focusing on intimacy and connection, while men tend to be better at report-style communication, focusing on independence and status.
- 📖 Deborah Tannen, a sociolinguist, explored these gender differences through research, and her book remained a bestseller for eight months, helping many couples improve their relationships.
- 💬 Emotional communication is centered on sharing feelings and matching experiences, often seen as a way to strengthen relationships, especially in private conversations.
- 📢 Report-style communication is used to convey information, demonstrate knowledge, and establish status, often preferred in public or hierarchical settings.
- 🧠 Men and women develop these communication patterns during childhood, with boys maintaining emotional connections through conflict and competition, and girls building bonds through conversation.
- 👩❤️👨 In relationships, men using report-style communication may be seen as insensitive by women, who tend to prioritize emotional connection and empathy in conversations.
- 👨🏫 In public or professional settings, men often take the lead in speaking, while women may hesitate to express their opinions, fearing judgment or criticism.
- 😊 Emotional communication helps create stronger interpersonal connections, especially in one-on-one situations, but can sometimes place an emotional burden on others if overused.
- 🏡 The concept of 'home' differs by gender: men may see it as a place of silence and freedom from communication, while women often view it as a space for meaningful, intimate conversations.
Q & A
What is the main idea of the book 'You Just Don't Understand' by Deborah Tannen?
-The book explains how men and women have different communication styles, with men often using 'report-style' communication to establish status and women using 'emotional communication' to build intimacy. These differences can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts in personal and social interactions.
How does emotional communication differ from report-style communication?
-Emotional communication, which women often excel at, focuses on expressing feelings and building connections, while report-style communication, more common among men, emphasizes delivering information and establishing status.
What is one advantage of report-style communication?
-An advantage of report-style communication is that it allows individuals to gain attention, prestige, and influence, especially in public settings like the workplace or social events.
What is a disadvantage of emotional communication?
-A disadvantage of emotional communication is that it can place an emotional burden on others, especially in personal relationships, where constant expression of worries or concerns might overwhelm the listener.
What stereotype about men and humor does the book explain?
-The book addresses the stereotype that men believe women lack a sense of humor. In reality, women often tell jokes in more private, intimate settings, whereas men use jokes in public situations to establish dominance or control.
How do men and women typically form friendships during childhood?
-Girls often form friendships through conversation and emotional connections, while boys establish bonds through conflict and competition, such as sports or debates. These patterns shape their adult communication styles.
Why do men tend to avoid eye contact during conversations?
-Men often interpret eye contact as either hostile or having sexual implications, so they may avoid it to reduce awkwardness. Their engagement is more reflected in body language than direct eye contact.
How can women improve their communication in the workplace according to Deborah Tannen?
-Tannen suggests that women should assert themselves in public settings, speak without waiting for an invitation, and be more willing to interrupt when necessary. This approach helps overcome the dominance of report-style communication in the workplace.
What impact does report-style communication have on customer service?
-In customer service, report-style communication can be detrimental when the speaker uses technical language or emphasizes superiority, making the customer feel inferior or unintelligent, as seen in the example of Martha and the male salesperson.
What advice does Deborah Tannen offer to improve communication in intimate relationships?
-Tannen advises men to practice empathy when women share personal details, as these conversations are often meant to build connection rather than seek solutions. Similarly, women should recognize that men may find constant emotional sharing overwhelming.
Outlines
🗣️ Understanding Gender Communication Styles
The opening of the script introduces the concept that men and women often face communication difficulties in intimate relationships, leading to misunderstandings, conflicts, and even breakups. Deborah Tannen's book explores the 'gender dialect' between the sexes, with women excelling in emotional communication and men in report-style communication. Tannen, a sociolinguist, researched how men and women express their thoughts and emotions differently, and how recognizing these differences can improve relationships. The book is framed as a guide for navigating communication challenges in both personal and social settings.
👩❤️👨 Emotional vs. Report-Style Communication
This section delves deeper into two distinct communication styles: emotional communication, typically used by women, and report-style communication, more common among men. Emotional communication focuses on building emotional connections, while report-style communication aims to establish status and independence. Tannen argues that men and women use these styles to pursue different goals in conversation, with women seeking intimacy and men seeking to maintain independence. Outstanding communicators can use both styles effectively depending on the situation.
👥 Childhood Influence on Communication Patterns
The text explains how communication patterns are learned during childhood, with girls using conversation to strengthen friendships and boys bonding through conflict, competition, and sports. These early communication styles become more ingrained as they grow older, influencing how men and women interact in friendships and relationships. Men focus on hierarchical social structures, while women prioritize intimacy and emotional connections. The gendered communication styles are part of deeply rooted socialization from childhood.
💼 Advantages of Report-Style Communication
The script discusses the advantages of report-style communication, which is typically more suited for public settings, such as workplace meetings or community events. Men who use this style, like Stuart, excel in public speaking and are more likely to command attention and influence. However, this comes with challenges in private settings where their communication style may seem distant or unengaged. Tannen argues that in situations of status or attention, men tend to become more eloquent, often leading to misunderstandings with women who prefer emotional communication.
😂 The Role of Humor in Gender Communication
This paragraph highlights how humor plays into report-style communication, with men often using jokes to gain status and demonstrate intelligence in public settings. Women, on the other hand, are more likely to share jokes with close friends as part of emotional bonding. The pressure of telling jokes in public may cause women to avoid humor in unfamiliar social situations, creating a perception that women are less humorous. This is due to differences in the way humor is used to establish social connections and control.
🛑 Limitations of Report-Style Communication
The section explores the limitations of report-style communication, particularly in customer service or intimate settings. An example is given of a male salesperson who overwhelms a female customer with technical jargon, making her feel incompetent. This highlights how report-style communication can be unhelpful and even harmful in settings where empathy and clarity are more important than showcasing expertise. The script also touches on how men’s challenging style in academic discussions can create hostility rather than productive engagement.
👀 Emotional Communication in Relationships
The focus shifts to emotional communication and its advantages in one-on-one interactions, especially in intimate relationships or customer service scenarios. A female salesperson helps Martha, a computer buyer, by simplifying technical jargon and ensuring she feels understood, showing how emotional communication fosters rapport and mutual understanding. The section emphasizes that emotional communication builds bonds by minimizing gaps between people and helping each other feel supported, contrasting it with the distancing effect of report-style communication.
💬 Challenges of Emotional Communication
This part discusses the potential downsides of emotional communication, such as placing an emotional burden on others. A man shares his experience of being overwhelmed by his girlfriend's constant emotional sharing, which led to feelings of exhaustion and frustration. While emotional communication can build closeness, it can also unintentionally strain relationships when one partner feels pressured to respond emotionally. Tannen advises emotionally communicative individuals to be mindful of how their words impact others.
📢 Women’s Voices in the Workplace
Tannen reflects on the dynamics of emotional vs. report-style communication in the workplace, where report-style communication tends to dominate, favoring men. She argues that women should learn to adopt some elements of report-style communication, such as speaking up without waiting to be invited. Conversely, men should understand that women may feel less comfortable using report-style communication in professional settings. The section advocates for more balanced communication strategies that consider both styles' strengths.
🏡 The Concept of 'Home' in Communication
The script concludes by exploring how men and women view the concept of 'home' differently in terms of communication. For many men, home is a place where they can finally be silent and avoid the pressures of public communication. For women, home represents a space where they can express themselves freely and engage in heart-to-heart conversations with loved ones. The section encourages readers to think about how they can create a more comfortable environment for their family members through communication.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Emotional communication
💡Report style communication
💡Gender dialect
💡Intimacy
💡Status
💡Misunderstandings
💡Public versus private communication
💡Childhood communication patterns
💡Empathy
💡Workplace dynamics
Highlights
Men and women have different purposes for communication: women focus on building connections through emotional communication, while men use language to establish status through report-style communication.
Emotional communication, which women excel at, is focused on expressing care and sharing feelings, helping to build intimacy and mutual understanding.
Report-style communication, typically used by men, is focused on maintaining independence and using speech to showcase knowledge or skills in a public setting.
Outstanding communicators often use both emotional and report-style communication depending on the context, allowing them to navigate both intimate and public settings effectively.
Communication styles are learned early in life: girls often use conversation to strengthen relationships, while boys connect through competition and conflict.
In public settings, men often dominate conversations and are more likely to ask questions or showcase their knowledge, while women may avoid the spotlight.
Humor is often misunderstood across genders: men may believe women lack humor because women reserve jokes for intimate conversations, not public settings.
Report-style communication, while beneficial for gaining influence and attention, can feel cold or condescending in private settings, leading to misunderstandings.
Emotional communication is well-suited for one-on-one interactions, fostering a sense of support and understanding, particularly in customer service settings.
Men may interpret emotional communication as overbearing or trivial, leading to feelings of frustration or exhaustion when constantly asked to validate emotions.
Emotional communication can place a heavy emotional burden on others if not moderated, leading to strain in relationships.
In the workplace, the dominance of report-style communication may silence women's voices, but women can gain influence by adopting report-style strategies without sacrificing their natural communication strengths.
Tannen encourages women to speak up boldly in public and work settings, where report-style communication is often dominant, in order to ensure their voices are heard.
Men may instinctively avoid eye contact in conversations, seeing it as confrontational, while women value eye contact as a sign of engagement and connection.
Home holds different meanings: for men, it’s a place of silence and respite from public competition, while for women, it’s a space for open, heart-to-heart communication.
Transcripts
foreign
[Music]
book for you is you just don't
understand women and men in conversation
complaints like you just don't get me
frequently occur in Intimate
Relationships and we might feel that men
and women sometimes seem like two highly
different species struggling to
communicate with each other small issues
can lead to arguments and resentment
while larger ones can result in breakups
or divorces this book points out that
there exists a gender dialect between
the Sexes with men and women using
different language Logics women tend to
be better at emotional communication one
then tend to excel at report style
communication which often leads to
misunderstandings in their conversations
the book's author Deborah Tannen is a
renowned American sociolinguist to write
this book she conducted extensive
research and observed the thought
processes and expression logic of both
sexes the book remained on the New York
Times bestseller list for eight months
has been translated into 31 languages
and received much feedback many readers
claim that this book has saved their
marriages to a certain extent for
Intimate Relationships you can treat
this book as a communication guide
between you and your partner in terms of
social life you can gain insight into
the principles behind misunderstandings
and hostility in everyday life and work
effectively adjusting your mindset and
smoothing out your relationships with
others next I will interpret this book
for you in three parts first let's get
to know two distinct communication
Styles emotional communication and
Report style communication in the second
and third Parts I will take you through
a deeper understanding of these
communication Styles examining their
respective strengths and limitations in
different scenarios so during the
following 20-minute talk I strongly
recommend you do two things first please
follow my narration to identify your own
communication style second I invite you
to set aside your emotions put yourself
self in the other person's shoes and
familiarize yourself with the
communication style you are not
accustomed to I believe that after 20
minutes you will have gained a deeper
insight into communication let's get
started part one of the core idea of
this book were to be summarized in one
sentence it would be men and women have
different purposes for talking and
communicating which is an important
reason for the failure of communication
between the Sexes generally women use
language to build connections focusing
more on intimacy and excelling in
emotional communication men on the other
hand use language to establish status
pursuing Independence and are often
better at report style communication
let's look at them one by one first
let's examine emotional communication
which women are generally better at the
purpose of emotional communication is to
express care for others with the focus
on the feelings of both parties the
speaker shares their own feelings while
so considering the listeners feelings
the author offers a simple judgment
method if you feel at ease when speaking
privately your communication style is
likely emotional communication emotional
communication is often a communication
style when an excellent as the name
suggests emotional communication sees
conversation as a means to build
emotional connections and coordinate
relationships with the emphasis on
showcasing similarities and matching
experiences between the two parties even
in the most public settings women May
organize their speeches using intimate
exchanges based on sharing their own
experiences next let's look at report
style communication which men are
generally better at the purpose of
report style communication is to
maintain one's Independence and freedom
those accustomed to report style
communication are skilled it's using
speech to attract others attention if
you feel more comfortable when speaking
publicly your communication style likely
leans towards report style communication
report style communication is often what
men X selling for most men in a
hierarchical social order languages used
to maintain Independence negotiate and
uphold status Metamora accustomed to
showcasing their Knowledge and Skills
through verbal expression such as
telling stories making jokes and
imparting information to become the
center of attention in a crowd even in
the most intimate settings they might
deliver a report as if they were
speaking publicly so do women who are
accustomed to report style communication
and men who are better at using
emotional communication exist of course
they do moreover outstanding
communicators almost always use both
communication strategies for example a
male psychologist might be closer to
emotional communication compared to his
previous communication style quickly
winning the trust of others due to his
warmth and empathy meanwhile a Confident
Woman or one engage in business
management and public speaking will
skillfully use the logic of report Style
communication her words will be not only
infectious but also authoritative
however overall there is a clear
tendency for women and men to have
distinct speaking Logics if someone
wants to make friends and establish
friendly relationships with those around
them men often focus on whether they
hold a higher position in the group's
hierarchical structure with friendly
relationships serving as a means to
greater power on the other hand women
pay attention to whether the occupier a
more Central position in the intimate
network with friendly relationships
being the goal in and of itself in fact
these speaking styles for men and women
are learned during childhood when they
develop friendships with their same-sex
peers for girls conversation serves as
the glue that strengthens relationships
and they may exclude children who are
very different from them boys on the
other hand maintain emotional
connections through conflict which may
involve fighting or engaging in
competitive Sports when discussing
certain activities they also Prof for
topics filled with conflict such as
Sports and politics as men and women
grow older these communication patterns
are further Consolidated in their
friendships with their same-sex peers
part two in the first part we have
roughly understood the differences
between the two communication modes in
the second part we will focus on the
reporting style communication that men
tend to use more often let's first look
at the advantages of reporting style
communication there is a relatively
loving couple with the husband Stuart
being reporting style communicator and
the wife Rebecca being an emotional
style Communicator in private settings
Stewart is silent while Rebecca talks
non-stop but in public settings the
situation reverses Whenever there are
parent meetings or Community Committee
events Stuart is always the one to step
up and speak Rebecca avoids speaking
like an ostrich as she imagines that
others might not like what she says or
they might find her voice unpleasant and
she doesn't like being judged if she
gathers the courage to say something she
needs time to organize her thoughts and
waits to be called upon she doesn't want
to put herself in the center of the
stage subject to the scrutiny of the
audience meanwhile the previously silent
Stewart can stand up directly and calmly
say what he thinks in front of a group
of strangers in using speech to attract
the attention of others many more Adept
than women which is also the core
difference between reporting style and
emotional style communication the
benefits of being good at reporting
style communication are obvious you can
gain stronger influence be quickly
noticed and gain Prestige and influence
in school the workplace or even in
social activities Stuart is not an
exception indeed men tend to be the
first to ask questions during the queue
and a session after a speech and their
speaking frequency is also higher in
private settings men may feel that women
are more trivial the fewer the listeners
the more familiar the people with each
other and the more the status of the
listeners and speakers the more it
resembles emotional style Communication
in public settings women may feel that
men are a bit boastful this is because
the more people involved in the
conversation the more unfamiliar they
are with each other and the greater the
status difference between the listener
and the speaker the closer the
conversation is to reporting style
communication which is the speaking
style men are accustomed to in
situations where men feel their status
is being challenged or need to deter the
crowd they become eloquent and talk
incessantly the author believes that
this reasoning can also explain a
stereotype many men think that women
lack a sense of humor and hardly ever
tell jokes in reality it's not that
women don't tell jokes but that men
don't hear those jokes because women are
used to intimate emotional style
communication and don't tell jokes to
unfamiliar people women prefer to tell
jokes to their same-sex friends as it's
part of the private information shared
between close friends the essence of
telling jokes is actually a form of
self-display requiring the speaker to
seize the center stage and demonstrate
their abilities with the pressure not
unlike making a public speech men are
more familiar with establishing
connections by entertaining others
furthermore the person telling the joke
is the speaker and others are the
listeners particularly when joking about
someone it's an act that places oneself
in a higher position demonstrating the
ability to be an informed and
controlling party making others laugh
gives you the temporary power to
suppress them in the moment of laughter
a person is temporarily incapacitated
Sometimes some men would choose not to
laugh in situations that may or may not
be funny to show Authority and hostility
women accustomed to emotional style
communication are reluctance to tell
jokes to men because doing so would give
men an opportunity to judge them if the
male listener Remains stone-faced the
joke teller loses face which in the eyes
of women is not what it however the
problem is that if women are always
accustomed to playing the role of the
listener and never the joke teller this
inequality in public settings will
continue to spread and women will
increasingly use their voice becoming a
character who only smiles nods and
applauds next let's look at the
limitations of reporting style
communication for example Martha bought
a computer and the male salesperson
guiding her made her feel like the
dumbest person in the world he used
various technical terms to explain
things and she had to stop and ask what
each term meant asking questions made
her feel incompetent and his answers
were impatient he seemed to be
constantly emphasizing one message I am
an expert I am smart you don't
understand you are dumb you're inferior
to me in the end Martha left in a panic
this interaction left a shadow on Martha
and the male salesperson didn't really
explain how to use the computer at all
this male salesperson is obviously
someone accustomed to reporting style
communication using his speech to show
that he possesses more information
knowledge or skills and is on the
Advantage side however in a customer
service setting doing so is very foolish
and unprofessional as a subject matter
expert the author Tannen mentioned her
feelings during academic exchanges
feeling that male students questions
were always aggressive through
interviews she discovered that juman men
often think it's natural to challenge an
expert and they try to undermine her
Authority by questioning tannin said
that although this questioning and
challenging can express a kind of
respect and even be constructive for
academic exchanges the problem is that
when she feels challenged and attacked
she doesn't want to give any answers and
refuses to play the game of academic
wrestling tannen's experience serves as
a wake-up call for those who only use
reporting style communication the
expressions of respect and disgust can
sometimes be very similar some sometimes
when no one wants to refute someone it
may not be out of respect but rather
because they are repelled or afraid of
them in Intimate Relationships men's
reporting style communication is often
interpreted by women who are generally
more Adept at expressing their feelings
as being insensitive this leads to men
often having less say an intimate
relationship communication Talon's
advice is when facing someone who uses
emotional style communication please
understand that when they are sharing
the details of their life or even past
pains it is their way of trying to
express friendliness towards you what
you need to do is simple look at the
other person listen carefully use
empathy to actively seek similarities
between you and don't rush to teach them
we just mentioned one point looking at
the other person why do men need to pay
particular attention to this it's
because men often instinctively
interpret eye contact as hostility and
sexual implications compared to women
men in conversation tends to look
elsewhere appearing less engaged which
may be their way of avoiding awkwardness
men's engagement is reflected in body
language rather than eye contact they
are more accustomed to performing
similar actions in the same direction as
someone they like at the same time like
two swans preening their feathers they
may seem to be ignoring each other but
they are actually mirroring each other's
actions in a synchronized Rhythm to show
we are friends part 3 now that we have
covered reporting style communication
let's take a look at emotional style
communication first let's understand the
advantages of emotional style
communication emotional style
communication is not limited to
interactions among friends and family it
is the best approach for one-on-one
communication between strangers do you
remember the story of Martha from
earlier Martha bought a computer in the
mail salesperson intentionally or
unintentionally made her feel in
inferior fortunately the story didn't
end there a few days later Martha
gathered the courage to return to the
store for help and this time a female
salesperson assisted her the female
salesperson was very friendly avoided
using technical jargon and whenever it
appeared she immediately explained it in
the simplest and clearest terms making
sure Martha could keep up this female
salesperson may have been a professional
service provider but it's also possible
that her behavior was due to her years
of experience communicating with others
women tend to Value interpersonal
relationships more and they are
motivated to minimize the gap between
their own and others Professional
Knowledge and Skills making every effort
to help us understand them this way they
convey The Meta communication of I
support you rather than I disdain you
for those accustomed to emotional style
communication the purpose of dialogue is
to maintain similarity between people
and sharing knowledge helps balance the
scores between both parties they feel
stronger and more satisfied when they
realize they have helped others and
their Community or group becomes
stronger emotional style communication
believes that conversation is for
building emotional connections and
coordinating relationships with an
emphasis on highlighting similarities
and matching experiences between both
parties as a result women are often the
core force in maintaining a large family
next let's look at the disadvantages of
emotional style communication emotional
style communication May impose too heavy
and emotional burden on others a man in
a relationship was tormented because his
girlfriend talked too much he said I
feel that my fleeting thoughts are
meaningless and so are those of others
this is what happened at the beginning
of their relationship his girlfriend
constantly expressed her worries and
fears questioning whether she could
trust him if she would lose herself in
the relationship whether it was suitable
for her and so on the man felt that his
girlfriend was talking too much and that
she should keep these doubts to herself
and wait to see how things would unfold
in fact they got along very well and his
girlfriend was satisfied but he was left
with lingering issues he was constantly
exhausted trying to explain and prove
himself to address his girlfriend's
concerns feeling like yo tied to her
Consciousness bouncing around and
feeling dizzy he believed that her habit
of casually sharing her fleeting
thoughts had permanently damaged their
relationship for women who constantly
confide in their Partners it's crucial
to recognize that they may be
underestimating the impact of their
words on their significant others men
are not invincible and they can be hurt
by women's words too sometimes men may
appear no more indifferent in
communication because women repeatedly
use emotionally charged language to
pressure them by the way it's suddenly
apparent that this case is memorable
because the man uncharacteristically
used emotional style communication to
express his own pain which is rare among
men lastly Tannen offers advice for
those who use emotional style
communication as a woman she believes
that the key to change lies within women
themselves the media has criticized how
men dominate meetings and women's voices
are not valued in the workplace however
Tannen thinks that men are innocent in
this regard as the primary reason is
that the workplace is a setting for
reporting style communication which
naturally favors men but she Advocates
that both men and women who are more
accustomed to emotional style
communication can force themselves to
speak up without invitation without
seeking a certain level of politeness
and women can certainly interrupt others
boldly adjustments shouldn't be
one-sided though men should also
understand that in the workplace women
might be using a communication style
they are not accustomed to this is not
easy to do as we often believe there is
only one right way to do things which is
not the case both communication Styles
have their limitations and advantages
the key is for both parties in a
conversation to try to understand each
other rather than measuring the other
person's Behavior against their own
standards conclusion well that's where
our interpretation of the essence of
this Begins the advantage of being good
at reporting style communication is that
you can gain more influence whether in
school the workplace or even in social
activities quickly gaining Prestige and
influence the downside is that reporting
style communication can seem cold or
intimidating in one or one private
conversations and less friendly for
those skilled in reporting style
communication it is important to improve
their empathy appropriately respond to
the other person's topics and seek
similarities between both parties the
advantage of being good at emotional
style communication is that groups and
others often provide tremendous support
for you allowing you to receive help
from more people and help more people in
return the downside is that emotional
style communication might lead you to
overly value feelings which can be a
significant emotional drain for both you
and those around you ultimately harming
everyone's feelings for those skilled in
a emotional style communication the most
important thing is to enhance their
influence within the group raise their
voice and be willing to express
differing opinions through this book we
can understand that communication may be
a bit complex but it's not difficult to
grasp and is worth her effort to
understand each seemingly
incomprehensible behavior and
communication pattern has a reasonable
logic behind it and we can empathize
with those around us and unite more
people through communication lastly I
want to share with you the most
inspiring point from the book Tannen
believes that from a communication
perspective the concept of Home has
different meanings for men and women for
many men who means they don't have to
use words to intimidate others and gain
power they finally arrive at a place
where no one demands them to speak and
they finally have the freedom to be
silent however for many women home is a
place where they can freely Express
themselves where they want to have
heart-to-heart conversations with their
loved ones the comfort of home lies in
their ability to speak freely without
worrying about being judged let's start
with the people around us based on this
definition how can you make your family
members feel more comfortable and happy
feel free to discuss this in the
comments section well that's the essence
of this book if my video has been
helpful Please Subscribe congratulations
you have just finished listening to
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