Tactics manipulators will use when you set a boundary

Summary

In this video, Dr. Anna Udin, a Clinical Psychologist and fiction author, explores the manipulative tactics used when someone tries to set boundaries with a manipulator. She outlines nine common strategies, such as invalidating rights, denying behavior, justifying actions, playing the victim, deflecting, guilt-tripping, DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender), punishing with anger, and ignoring boundaries. A roleplay skit illustrates these tactics, emphasizing the importance of adhering to consequences rather than trying to change the manipulator.

Takeaways

• 📕 When setting a boundary with a manipulator, they often invalidate your right to the boundary or demand explanations to poke holes into it.
• 💵 Manipulators may deny past behavior that led to the boundary, often gaslighting by questioning your memory or insisting they didn't do what you're accusing them of.
• 📗 They might distort the behavior, claiming you've misinterpreted their actions or are overreacting to something not as harmful as you perceive it.
• 💴 Justifying their behavior is common; manipulators believe their actions are justified no matter how hurtful, expecting you to empathize with their reasons.
• 📺 Manipulators play the victim, bringing up their own hardships or wrongs to shift focus from their behavior to their perceived suffering.
• 📲 They deflect by accusing you of wronging them, effectively turning the tables to make you feel defensive and question your own actions.
• 📷 Guilt is a tool used to weaponize your empathy, making you feel like the bad guy for confronting them about their behavior.
• 📹 DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) is a technique where manipulators deny the behavior, attack you for confronting them, and then claim victimhood.
• 💡 Punishing you with anger is a method to condition you into not setting boundaries, using fear to discourage future confrontations.
• 📵 Ignoring or violating the boundary in the future is expected from a manipulator who has used all other tactics; they are unlikely to respect boundaries set by others.

Q & A

What is the main topic discussed in the video script?

The main topic discussed in the video script is the nine common manipulation tactics used by manipulators when someone tries to set a boundary with them.

What is the first manipulation tactic mentioned in the script?

The first manipulation tactic mentioned is invalidating the other person's right to set a boundary or demanding explanations for it.

How does a manipulative person typically react when confronted with a boundary?

A manipulative person typically reacts by denying their behavior, distorting the behavior, justifying their actions, playing the victim, deflecting onto the other person, inducing guilt, using DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender), punishing with anger, and ignoring or violating the boundary in the future.

What is DARVO as mentioned in the script?

DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It is a tactic where the manipulator denies the behavior, attacks the accuser, and then reverses roles to make themselves appear as the victim and the accuser as the offender.

What is the role of the skit in the video script?

The role of the skit is to demonstrate the manipulation tactics discussed in the video through a relatable scenario, making it easier for viewers to understand how these tactics play out in real-life situations.

What is the importance of setting boundaries according to the script?

Setting boundaries is important for protecting one's emotional safety and ensuring basic respect and human dignity.

How does the script suggest dealing with a manipulative person?

The script suggests not expecting a manipulative person to change, not trying to control their reactions, and instead focusing on adhering to the consequences when they do not respect the boundary.

What is the role of the 'connection course' mentioned at the end of the script?

The 'connection course' is presumably a resource that teaches skills required for healthy relationships, which could help viewers deal with manipulative behaviors more effectively.

What is the advice given for managing emotions when dealing with a manipulative person?

The advice given is to practice emotion regulation, process through emotions like grief or sadness or guilt, and accept that the manipulative person is unlikely to change.

Why is it important to reinforce boundaries consistently according to the script?

It is important to reinforce boundaries consistently because manipulative people are likely to try to loosen or ignore them, and reinforcing them helps maintain emotional safety.

What does the script suggest about the validity of boundaries?

The script suggests that while it is okay to assess the validity of certain boundaries, it is important to distinguish between reasonable boundaries meant for emotional safety and those that are not.