NEVER EVER do this in your marriage! | Advice For Muslim Couples | Islamic Psychology | Haleh Banani
Summary
TLDRIn this video, Hala Badani emphasizes the detrimental impact of addressing marital disputes through text messages. She explains that texting grievances can escalate conflicts and create negative associations with communication. Instead, Hala advocates for resolving issues face-to-face, where tone and context are clearer. She advises using text messages for positive affirmations or practical needs, not for airing complaints. Hala also offers a free PDF on her website with seven tips to improve marriages, encouraging couples to invest in learning effective communication and conflict resolution skills to enhance their relationship.
Takeaways
- 💔 Never address disputes or frustrations in your marriage through text messages.
- 📱 Texting complaints can create a negative association with your spouse's messages.
- 😞 Misinterpreting tone in text messages can escalate conflicts.
- 🚫 Avoid texting when angry; it often leads to more frustration and unresolved issues.
- ❤️ Use text messages to express love, miss someone, or request small tasks like picking up groceries.
- 🗣️ Resolve conflicts face-to-face to avoid misunderstandings and negative assumptions.
- 💡 Taking responsibility for your contributions to conflicts can improve your marriage.
- 👫 Improving your mood and effort in the relationship can lead to better interactions with your spouse.
- 🛠️ Learning conflict resolution and marriage skills is crucial for a healthy relationship.
- 📘 Download the free 'Seven Gems to Save Your Marriage' PDF for guidance and practical tips.
Q & A
What is the main message Hala Badani is conveying in this video?
-Hala Badani advises against resolving marital conflicts through text messages, emphasizing that face-to-face communication is essential for effective conflict resolution.
Why does Hala Badani discourage resolving conflicts via text messages?
-She discourages it because text messages often lead to misinterpretation of tone, escalation of conflicts, and a negative association with communication from one's spouse.
What are the three appropriate uses for text messaging in a marriage, according to Hala Badani?
-Text messages should be used to express love, express that you miss your spouse, and ask them to pick up items from the grocery store.
What potential negative outcomes does Hala Badani mention about using text messages for conflict resolution?
-Negative outcomes include escalated arguments, misinterpretation of messages, emotional disconnection, and avoidance of communication.
What alternative does Hala Badani suggest for resolving conflicts?
-She suggests resolving conflicts face-to-face, emphasizing the need to learn proper conflict resolution skills.
What are some benefits of face-to-face communication in conflict resolution, as mentioned in the video?
-Face-to-face communication allows for better understanding of tone, immediate clarification of misunderstandings, and a more personal connection.
What does Hala Badani say about the anticipation of communication from a spouse?
-She mentions that anticipation of communication should be positive and exciting, not dreaded due to constant negative messages.
How does Hala Badani recommend handling feelings of frustration in a marriage?
-She recommends addressing frustrations in person rather than through text messages, ensuring a constructive and calm discussion.
What does Hala Badani say about taking responsibility in a marriage?
-She advises individuals to take responsibility for their contributions to issues and not to punish their spouse through coldness or distance.
What resources does Hala Badani offer for improving marriage communication skills?
-She offers a free PDF titled 'Seven Gems to Save Your Marriage' available on her website, which includes tips and strategies for improving marital communication.
Outlines
📱 Avoid Texting Disputes in Marriage
Hala Badani emphasizes the importance of not addressing marital conflicts via text messages. She explains that texting during disputes can lead to misunderstandings, negativity, and even avoidance behaviors between spouses. Text messages should be reserved for positive communication, such as expressing love or coordinating daily tasks. Addressing issues face-to-face is crucial to prevent escalation and foster better communication.
💬 Face-to-Face Conflict Resolution
Hala Badani advises against using text messages for resolving conflicts, as it often leads to negative associations and escalations. She shares insights from her experience, noting that in-person discussions are more effective for resolving issues. Badani encourages couples to invest in learning conflict resolution skills and to use text messaging for positive interactions. She promotes her 'Seven Gems to Save Your Marriage' PDF as a resource for improving marital communication and harmony.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Conflict Resolution
💡Text Messaging
💡Negative Association
💡Face-to-Face Communication
💡Assumptions
💡Emotional Triggers
💡Affectionate Communication
💡Conflict Escalation
💡Miscommunication
💡Conflict Avoidance
Highlights
Never resolve conflicts with your spouse through text messages.
Texting during disputes often escalates the situation and leads to more frustration.
Messages should be used for expressing love, missing each other, or practical reminders like picking up groceries.
Receiving negative texts creates a negative association with your spouse's messages.
Negative text exchanges can result in spouses avoiding each other's messages or calls.
Tone and intent are often misinterpreted in text messages, leading to misunderstandings.
Face-to-face communication is essential for resolving conflicts effectively.
Using text for constant complaints leads to a cycle of negativity and resentment.
Some couples block each other due to continuous negative text exchanges.
It's important to have a positive and affectionate tone in messages to maintain a healthy relationship.
Taking responsibility for one's contribution to an issue can improve the relationship.
Punishing your spouse by being cold or distant actually punishes yourself.
Effective conflict resolution requires learning specific skills, which can transform marital issues.
Investing time in learning and applying conflict resolution skills can significantly improve marital satisfaction.
Hala Badani offers a free PDF with seven gems to save your marriage, available on her website.
Transcripts
never ever
do this in your marriage
my name is hala badani empowering you
with psychological tips and spiritual
support bismillah was salat
so what is it that people do in their
marriage and it destroys it i hear this
all the time from my clients they
have a dispute there's something they're
frustrated about they are
wanting to address the issue but how do
they do it they do it in a text and they
start sending messages back and forth
sometimes the spouse is at work and then
the wife is really frustrated in sending
text sometimes the woman is at work and
she's getting texts or she's at home
with the kids and she's very frustrated
and this back and forth it is the worst
thing that you can do in your marriage
why is it so terrible first of all that
with the tech you should look forward to
receiving a message from your spouse i
don't know of those of you who may have
met earlier on and there was this
anticipation whether it was with a phone
call whether it was a text or whatever
it was there needs to be this like oh my
gosh okay i'm hearing from my spouse
there should be some excitement but if
you're constantly sending nasty messages
to each other it's going to make the
person not even want to answer your
phone calls they're not even going to
want to you know text back because i
know what this is going to be about
they're just going to chew me out they
are frustrated and there's like a long
list of criticism you don't want to have
that negative association
your name pops up that should light up
their world and if it doesn't then and
they think oh god here we go again he's
gonna he's gonna complain about a whole
bunch of things she's gonna go whining
about things and then people take it as
far as blocking each other because the
constant messaging
and some people will tell me some of my
clients will tell me that it's because
we never get a chance to talk and i'm
mad and i gotta get it out of my system
that is really
that is never an option do not text
nasty messages to your spouse or trying
to resolve a conflict when you are not
in the same place you have to do this
face face you guys it's hard enough when
you are doing it face-to-face what if
you're sitting there and texting when
you're texting to one another you don't
hear the tone a lot of times you read
into the tone okay and i have
experienced this not with my spouse
alhamdulillah we don't do that but when
it comes to if there is someone that you
have a tense relationship with and you
get a message you can easily read a tone
into it and the person may not have that
intention but you read into it so that's
the first thing is that you don't hear
the tone and a lot of times you need
follow-up you need clarification and all
you need is to check an assumption when
you check that assumption then you know
it just dispels anything but when you
don't and you're just reading into it
you have sued then you're assuming the
worst you have those negative you have
the negative narrative you're reading a
tone into it and it cannot it cannot do
you any good it's actually a disastrous
thing what i have seen clients do is
that they constantly text back and forth
and it escalates i have never seen a
situation where a husband and wife
they're texting back and forth fighting
complaining and then it ends peacefully
they will usually end up in my office
more frustrated than ever and i keep
telling them we had an agreement do not
text when you're angry you know what
text messages need to be for they need
to be for several things one you tell
the person how much you love them okay
that would be a nice text you tell them
how much you miss them and you tell them
they go pick you you need them to pick
up milk or bread or meat from the
grocery store okay so those are the
three things you need the text messaging
for is you either tell them you love
them you miss them or please grab some
grab some chicken on your way home all
right if it's other than that your
spouse is going to start having a very
negative association
they're not going to want to take your
calls and this is one of the biggest
complaints i get is that my husband
never responds to my text or my wife i
call her and she doesn't pick up and i
tell them what has
what have your messages been like and
they say i chew out my spouse and i go
how do you expect them to be excited to
pick up your phone call or respond to
your text when you have this negative
this na you're just pouring negativity
on the on your spouse so it really makes
a difference i'm sure all of you have
had one individual in your life that
their text is always something annoying
some a complaint a criticism and you
don't even want to read it you really
don't even want to click and read it
because it's going to just open up or
trigger your emotions or put you in a
bad mood or whatever it is so don't be
that person for your spouse whatever you
do
try to do it in person learn the skills
so it's marriage mending monday and my
message to you do not solve your
problems don't ever
never ever
text the problems your complaints or
whatever it is because what ends up
happening is that it just escalates and
it gets much worse what you need to do
instead is leave those text messages for
a way to connect it needs to be
some form of affection kindness and you
may say why should i be why should i be
affectionate when they're being so
annoyed you can sit there and play
chicken with your spouse who's going to
give in first who's going to apologize
first but that's it's very juvenile to
do that and i have seen individuals that
when they take responsibility for their
contribution to the issue now i'm not
talking about abuse i'm not talking
about infidelity i'm just talking about
people who have issues with each other
okay and there is no it's not
necessarily any kind of abuse i just
have to get that out there so you don't
um
you don't think i'm telling you to just
overlook the abuse all right but when
there's just some issues and you're
waiting for your spouse to take that
initiative and they don't and you're
just holding your breath i had a client
that i told her
you think you're punishing your spouse
by being cold and being distant and
shutting down you're actually you're
punishing yourself because how hard is
it when you do that and then she said
you know what i took your advice
i decided i'm gonna be easy going i'm
gonna put in my effort and it's just so
we had a wonderful weekend because i was
in a better mood and and i wasn't
punishing him because i was actually
punishing myself so this is very
important for you to keep in mind that
don't punish your spouse by being angry
right and these are all the steps that i
teach on my fine pillars of marriage
program it is a program that is
comprehensive it is all within the
islamic framework and it is based on 24
years of personal experience being
masha'allah happily married and based on
20 years experience helping
thousands of people all over the world
save their marriage and help them to see
things differently and have a whole new
experience in their life so i want to be
able to help you as well
if you'd like to benefit from the seven
gems to save your marriage this is a
free pdf you can download on my website
halabinadi.com and and learn and apply
and see the difference that it makes so
no more text messaging mean things and
trying to solve your problems do it in
person and when you do it in person you
got to know how to do the skills because
most people don't know conflict
resolution they do all the wrong things
and i just tell them my goodness you
just need to learn the skills the
marriage skills the conflict resolution
skills and once you have it yours your
problems will be solved really sometimes
all it takes is 10 minutes maximum 30
minutes and most people are willing to
sit through a 30 minute discussion to
resolve their conflict so i hope that
you take the time and invest in your
marriage invest in yourself with um the
seven gems to save your marriage just a
free pdf and i hope you benefit from it
and may allah shower all of your
marriages with so much barakat
so many blessings and may you always see
the best in each other and choose to be
the one to take that and they should
have inshallah take care thank you for
tuning in salaam alaikum
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