Why Self Love Isn't Enough
Summary
TLDRThe video script critiques the overemphasis on self-love and self-compassion in therapy, arguing that for some individuals, these approaches may be ineffective or even harmful. It explores the transformative power of military boot camp psychology, emphasizing the importance of grit—a trait characterized by perseverance and resilience—over internal emotional processing. The speaker suggests that coaching, rather than traditional therapy, may be a more effective path for those seeking to create meaningful life changes, advocating for a shift in focus from internal healing to external accomplishment.
Takeaways
- 😔 The speaker expresses frustration with therapy's overemphasis on self-love and self-compassion, suggesting it can be harmful in some cases.
- 🤔 The speaker questions the effectiveness of therapy that focuses solely on discussing feelings without aiming to change the patient's life outcomes.
- 🌟 A significant portion of patients can benefit greatly from learning self-love and self-compassion, but this approach is not universally effective.
- 💪 The speaker advocates for an alternative approach to therapy, inspired by military boot camp psychology, which focuses on building resilience and grit.
- 🤝 The military's paradoxical combination of harsh criticism and unwavering support can foster a sense of determination and self-worth in individuals.
- 🏋️♂️ The concept of 'grit' is introduced as a key to success, defined as the perseverance and passion for long-term goals despite obstacles.
- 🚫 The speaker criticizes traditional therapy for not taking responsibility for helping patients achieve tangible life changes.
- 🔄 The speaker suggests that processing emotions is only one way to deal with them; the other is to change the circumstances that cause the emotions.
- 🤯 The speaker shares personal anecdotes from their practice to illustrate the limitations of traditional therapy and the potential of coaching.
- 🛠️ The speaker introduces the Institute of Coaching as a place that focuses on creating external change for patients, as opposed to just internal healing.
- 📈 The speaker promotes their coaching program as a means to help individuals build the life they want by focusing on not giving up, rather than solely on self-love.
Q & A
What is the main issue discussed in the script regarding the field of therapy?
-The script discusses the issue that self-love and self-compassion, while beneficial for some, can be ineffective or even harmful for others in therapy, and that finding a good therapist with a practical approach can be challenging.
Why does the speaker suggest that traditional therapy methods might not work for everyone?
-The speaker suggests that traditional therapy methods might not work for everyone because not all individuals are traumatized or lack self-love and self-compassion; some need to focus on changing their circumstances to improve their lives.
What alternative to self-love and self-compassion does the speaker propose?
-The speaker proposes the development of 'grit' as an alternative to self-love and self-compassion, emphasizing the importance of perseverance and not giving up in the face of challenges.
What is the concept of 'grit' as described in the script?
-'Grit' is a psychological concept introduced by psychologist Angela Duckworth, which refers to the characteristic of perseverance and resilience, the tendency not to give up when faced with adversity.
How does the speaker relate the military boot camp experience to therapy?
-The speaker relates the military boot camp experience to therapy by highlighting how the tough, demanding environment of boot camp paradoxically fosters resilience and confidence in individuals, which is similar to the desired outcome in therapy for some people.
What is the significance of the 'negative expression of positive affection' in the context of the military and therapy?
-The 'negative expression of positive affection' signifies the paradoxical approach where harsh criticism or negative comments are used to motivate and push individuals to improve, which can be seen in both military training and some therapeutic approaches.
Why does the speaker express frustration with the traditional outcomes-focused approach in therapy?
-The speaker expresses frustration because traditional therapy often focuses on discussing feelings and emotions without necessarily addressing or aiming to change the external circumstances that contribute to a patient's issues.
What role does the concept of 'guilt' play in the therapy process according to the script?
-According to the script, guilt can be a driver for positive change, as it serves as an internal moral compass that helps individuals recognize right from wrong and can motivate them to correct their behavior.
How does the speaker describe the difference between processing emotions internally and changing external circumstances?
-The speaker describes the difference by stating that processing emotions internally involves discussing and metabolizing feelings, while changing external circumstances involves taking action to alter the situations causing those emotions.
What is the speaker's view on the role of negative emotions in driving positive change?
-The speaker views negative emotions as important drivers for positive change, arguing that they can motivate individuals to take action, set boundaries, and make improvements in their lives.
What alternative approach to therapy does the speaker introduce through the concept of coaching?
-The speaker introduces coaching as an alternative approach that focuses on accomplishing goals and creating external change in a person's life, rather than solely healing internal emotional issues.
Outlines
🤔 The Problem with Self-Love in Therapy
The speaker expresses frustration with the therapy field's overemphasis on self-love and self-compassion, suggesting that these approaches can be ineffective or even harmful for some individuals. They highlight the difficulty of finding a good therapist and the prevalence of self-help practices that focus on internal feelings rather than tangible outcomes. The speaker also recounts a personal experience where they initially believed therapy was about helping patients achieve their goals, only to learn that the focus should be on exploring and understanding the underlying issues. The speaker then delves into the idea of military boot camp as a potential model for therapy, noting the positive transformations veterans have reported, and begins to investigate the psychological aspects of boot camp that contribute to confidence and resilience.
😡 The Damage of Invalidating Self-Love
In this paragraph, the speaker discusses the potential negative effects of promoting self-love in therapy, particularly when it invalidates a patient's desire for change. They argue that telling patients they are deserving of love without addressing their underlying issues can be damaging. The speaker emphasizes the importance of negative emotions as drivers for positive change, using the example of anger leading to setting boundaries. They also discuss the role of guilt and shame in helping individuals discern right from wrong. The speaker then explores the idea of changing external circumstances to manage emotions, contrasting this with the more common therapeutic approach of processing emotions internally. They highlight the need for therapy to focus on behavioral change and external circumstances, rather than just emotional processing.
🏋️♂️ The Psychological Impact of Military Boot Camp
The speaker explores the psychological impact of military boot camp, noting that despite the harsh and verbally abusive environment, the experience is often seen as positive by veterans. They discuss the paradox of drill sergeants who, while constantly telling recruits they will fail, never give up on them. This approach is contrasted with the common therapeutic approach of focusing on feelings. The speaker suggests that the military's method of instilling grit and resilience, rather than self-love, is a more effective way to transform lives. They also touch on the concept of 'negative expression of positive affection,' which is a common trait among men and can be validating for those struggling with self-esteem issues. The speaker concludes that the key to success in boot camp is not the harsh treatment, but the underlying faith and support that the instructors provide.
💪 Building Grit Instead of Self-Love
In this final paragraph, the speaker introduces the concept of 'grit,' a personality characteristic identified by psychologist Angela Duckworth in 2007. Grit is defined as the ability to persevere and not give up, which the speaker contrasts with the focus on self-love and self-compassion in traditional therapy. The speaker advocates for an alternative approach that emphasizes building grit and resilience, rather than focusing on internal feelings. They suggest that by focusing on not giving up and continuously trying, individuals can achieve lasting behavioral change and ultimately feel pride and confidence in their accomplishments. The speaker also mentions the emergence of coaching as a field that addresses the need for external behavioral change, as opposed to the more introspective focus of traditional therapy.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Self-love
💡Self-compassion
💡Therapy
💡Boot camp
💡Grit
💡Emotional validation
💡Behavioral change
💡Coaching
💡Negative expression of positive affection
💡Resilience
💡Self-efficacy
Highlights
The field of therapy faces a problem where self-love and self-compassion can sometimes be ineffective or even harmful.
Finding a good therapist in LA is difficult due to practices focused on self-love, forgiveness, and self-affirmation.
The speaker wishes for a boot camp for men to help them transform their lives, rather than just focusing on self-love.
Therapists often fail to focus on the outcomes of their patients, leading to frustration and a lack of progress.
Self-love and self-compassion are revolutionary for about half of the patients, but not effective for the other half.
Some patients feel invalidated when therapists insist on self-love, as they want to create a life they can be proud of, not just love themselves.
Negative emotions can be drivers for positive change, and therapists should consider this in their approach.
Guilt and shame are important emotions that help people discern right from wrong and should not be solely focused on in therapy.
Therapists often do not focus on changing external behavior, which can be a crucial part of therapy for some patients.
The speaker suggests that focusing solely on emotions can stall progress in therapy, and external change is necessary.
Military boot camp experiences are often seen as positive by veterans, despite the harsh conditions, due to the underlying faith in their abilities.
The negative expression of positive affection is a common trait in men and can be validating for those struggling with self-esteem.
Boot camp boosts the psychological concept of grit, which is the opposite of self-love and self-compassion.
Grit is a personality characteristic that involves perseverance and resilience, rather than self-love.
The speaker emphasizes the importance of not giving up and focusing on external accomplishments to build a life worth living.
Therapists should consider taking responsibility for improving external aspects of people's lives, not just clinical outcomes.
The field of coaching is emerging as an alternative to therapy, focusing on accomplishing external goals rather than healing internal issues.
Transcripts
there's a serious problem in the field
of therapy and that problem is that
sometimes self-love and self-compassion
not only doesn't work but can actually
be
harmful finding a good therapist in La
is so damn hard everyone's practice
seems to be based on self-love self
forgiveness and
self-affirmation swear to God I wish
there was something like a Marine Corps
boot camp for fat lonely men I don't
need to live in a bubble of stupid
aphorisms I need someone to kick my ass
absolutely I had two reactions when I
read this the first is an internal
frustration with the field of therapy
and this sort of like idea that
self-compassion and self-love is the end
all Beall of what we're trying to do in
therapy and in my experience not only
does it not work some of the times in
some cases it's actually harmful and the
second thing that happened is I got
curious about boot camp in the military
and I remember that that like I've done
a lot of veterans work and when I talk
to Veterans one of the most interesting
things is that almost all of them think
about boot camp as a very positive
experience I've had a ton of patients
who went to boot camp and transformed
their life and so I started to
investigate what happens psychologically
in boot camp what happens that makes
people confident and resilient and I
actually discovered a couple of really
interesting things and we're going to
teach you how to implement the most
important aspect of boot camp psychology
in today's video so we're going to start
with baby Dr k When I was a tiny little
bitty in tune at the Massachusetts
General Hospital I had a lecture on
Psychotherapy and in walked someone who
is a professor of Psychiatry at Harvard
Medical School who then asked me a
question if a patient walks into your
office and says doctor can you help me
find a girlfriend or boyfriend what are
you supposed to say and my dumbass is
like yes this is what we do in therapy
we help people accomplish their goals
and it turns out that I was wrong and
that in therapy we do not help people
accomplish their goals the right thing
to say when someone walks in and says
hey can you help me find a girlfriend
the right thing to say is not to say
anything not to answer the question cuz
heaven forbid as a psychiatrist you
answer a patient's question instead you
have to turn it into a question invite
curiosity what is it that makes you want
a girlfriend how do you feel about not
having a girlfriend why do you think it
is that you haven't been able to find a
girlfriend what's going on tell me about
your feelings let's talk let's talk some
more let's talk some even even more and
this is what I found incredibly
frustrating as a therapist is that we're
a profession of people who don't really
focus on the outcomes of our patients I
know it sounds kind of paradoxical and
if you're a therapist out there and you
take offense to that there's a good
reason that you will and we'll get to
that in a second but if we sort of look
at the profession we're a profession
that will do therapy with people for 20
years and we'll keep on talking about
feelings talking about feelings talking
about feelings and then like it's not
clear to me what the patient gets out of
that and so there are a couple of things
that we have to say kind of in defense
of therapy because it's not all bad and
it's actually really good the first is
if this is so bad like why does everyone
focus on self- Lov and self-compassion
and this is what's really important to
understand is that for about half of
patience
the single most revolutionary thing you
can do for them is to teach them self
love so I think the reason that we're
biased this way as the field of therapy
is because for half of the people if we
can teach them self-compassion all of
their problems will be fixed and that's
kind of the goal of therapy right that's
the approach is that like the problem
isn't that you you lack knowledge to
solve this particular thing the problem
is that there's something inside you
that as as long as it's broken and isn't
really functioning properly you can try
to go on fixing things out there and
it'll never work and that's a really
valid approach like literally in my
practice I'd say like the most
transformative thing is teaching people
self-love but for half the people the
real problem is that for the other half
it doesn't seem to work because not
everyone is traumatized and not everyone
sort of needs more self-love and
self-compassion and in fact for half the
people that walk into my office if I
tell them hey bro you need more
self-love they hate it because the these
are people and you may be one of them
that don't deserve self-love you don't
deserve compassion because you suck at
life right and like I'm not here to
teach myself how to love this pathetic
version of me this is not what I'm
interested in I actually don't want to
love this person give yourself love to
someone who deserves it what I actually
want to do is create a life that I can
be proud of something where I deserve
love in confidence and and like all all
that good stuff is like appropriate and
if people come into our office that way
unfortunately a lot of my colleagues
will be like n n you need to self
love you are deserving of love you're
not pathetic like love yourself love
yourself and that can actually be
damaging in a couple of ways the first
is that it's incredibly invalidating
because your patient is coming in and
they have a fire to transform their
lives and here you are telling them no
no no let's shut off the fire which
brings us to the second thing which is
that let's remember that negative
emotions are drivers for positive change
so if I get angry at someone because
they steal from me instead of like
processing that anger with a therapist I
can use that anger to set boundaries
with them and block them right the other
thing is if we look at emotions like
guilt and shame like we can go into a
therapist's office and we can metabolize
them with the therapist but why do we
feel guilt we feel guilt because
sometimes we do the wrong things and
guilt is an emotion that helps us do the
right thing that's how we know the
difference between right and wrong if we
didn't have guilt we wouldn't have an
internal moral compass and so this is
the real problem I think with a lot of
this self-love approach to therapy is
that we forget that like not loving
yourself can be a really really good
motivator and this is where we kind of
come to a really important part of like
the alternate way okay so if we're not
going to do self Lov which can
absolutely be very very positive but for
some people it doesn't work and for
those people and if you're one of these
people let's remember that there are two
ways that you can deal with emotions so
when I'm a human in the world the world
will do stuff to me and when the world
does stuff to me I will feel things and
then I've got two options to deal with
these feelings I can either process them
internally or I can change the
circumstance es that make me feel a
particular way all right so here's an
example let's say that I go to the beach
and when I go to the beach I feel a
little bit embarrassed about the way
that I look and so I've got two options
in this situation one is that I can go
and talk about my feelings which can be
really effective right so let's say I'm
going there with my partner my friends
and I voice to them hey I'm feeling a
little bit embarrassed and they're like
look man it's totally cool like you're a
sexy beast like look at you you're so
sexy oh my God you're so sex sexy right
or that hey like no one really cares and
we're here to have fun and like they can
give you some reassurance they can give
you a little bit of TLC yeah you can
feel a little bit embarrassed but you
can work on it internally the other
thing that you can do if you feel
embarrassed about the way that you look
is you can exercise and you can change
your diet you can actually transform the
circumstances that make you feel a
particular way now this is the big
problem with therapy is that generally
speaking in therapy we don't really
focus on the latter there are some
absolutely great clinicians who do focus
on that we can look at evidence-based
techniques like motivational
interviewing that are really designed
around behavioral change and stuff like
that but generally speaking most
therapists therapists don't specialize
in changing external behavior and when I
was sort of super interested in this at
this place called mlan hospital I talked
to the chief of Psychiatry there and I
was like how do we actually get patients
to change their lives and that's when he
told me he was like hey you should check
out this place called The Institute of
coaching which is all about creating EX
external change for our patients as
opposed to using psychotherapeutic
models to heal the pathology so it's
super cool and I looked into it and I
really found that it was a good fit so
let's remember that when it comes to us
feeling a particular way and like if
you're ashamed of who you are or how you
look or how much money you make there's
actually a whole different way to manage
those emotions which is to actually fix
the crap in your life that makes you
feel that way it's not just about
metabolizing that that emotion and this
is what happens is if we start to focus
entirely on emotions then what starts to
happen is sometimes we can stall so I
had a patient for example who was like
in the the clinic that I was working at
for 20 years and they kept on getting
passed on from one resident to another
Resident to another Resident and so
there's a you know one argument to be
made there is like maybe they should
have worked with someone who's not a
training psychiatrist and worked with a
a real psychiatrist who's fully trained
and that could have helped them they'
done that too but I think the bigger
problem is that this person kind of came
into my office and was like you know I'm
really unhappy with my life I'm
depressed all the time I'm like why are
you depressed well you know I'm
depressed because of this this and we
talk about feelings talk about feelings
talk about feelings and then I asked
them you know are there times in your
life when you haven't felt depressed and
they were like yeah I was dating this
person once who like you know had a
really nice car and we'd Drive somewhat
recklessly and then we'd have really
wild sex and it made me feel like James
Bond and so like I did what I was
supposed to do right cuz I I heard the
professor of Psychiatry who came in and
tell me no never never change a
patient's life just talk about their
feelings and so I was like okay well you
know like let's just talk about your
feelings and what feels so great about
having James Bond sex and towards the
end of our therapy like you know I
started to get frustrated with that they
started to get frustrated that we've
been doing that for a couple years and I
was like bro do you want to change your
life and he's like yeah and then we
started working on that and we made huge
progress and so if we kind of look at
this externalizing approach to our
emotions which generally speaking is bad
so for example if we look at a lot of
what gets men into trouble it is that
this is the only strategy they have so
if someone makes me feel a particular
way I'm going to change my circumstances
so that they no longer make me feel that
way this opens the door to things like
emotional manipulation this opens up
this is how bosses will kind of squeeze
their employees because they make you
feel guilty and if they can make you
feel guilty they can shape your behavior
and if they can shape your behavior to
make you feel less guilty now they can
control your behavior by controlling
your emotions and so a big part of very
successful therapy is actually helping
people get away from this this sort of
approach of let me fix the outside world
to make myself feel a different way on
the flip side though sometimes we
actually want to use that and this is
where I got kind of curious about
military recruit recs and like let's
remember that military recruits will
often times join the military because
they're unhappy with their lives and
they're depressed and they're not going
anywhere and then after serving some
period of time in the military like
sometimes there are cases of trauma and
sexual assault and things like that I've
seen that working with veterans but
actually I would say the majority of
patients I work with really appreciate
being in the military they learned so
much and they developed so much
confidence and what's going on there how
is it that the military can be so
overtly abusive right you've got a drill
sergeant who's telling you hey you suck
you're going to fail and yet you come
out of that experience feeling stronger
does a swift kick in the ass actually
work and if it works what is the
underlying psychological principle at
play so let's actually look at research
on the psychology of people who go to
boot camp so there are a couple of
really interesting aspects to it the
first is that while they are verbally
abusive which is bad right they actually
are implicitly very very like invested
in you and don't give up on you I think
this Paradox is really important to
understand so if you go to if you
actually join the military there will be
drill sergeants and I went to a military
school for a little while so I have a
little bit of personal experience who
will tell you that you're going to fail
out you're pathetic you're never going
to make it you're never going to make it
you're going to fail you're going to
fail you're so pathetic but they never
kick you out right they sort of teach
you one really important principle which
is that even though I'm telling you
you're going to fail I'm not actually
going to kick you out ever ever you can
fail today and I'm going to be here
tomorrow you can fail tomorrow and I'm
going to be here the next day no matter
how many times you
fail what determines whether you succeed
or fail here is actually you you can
quit whenever you you're ready and you
should have quit a week ago you should
quit today and you should quit tomorrow
but until you quit I will actually like
continue to be here for you and this is
a really fascinating kind of perspective
and there's actually research on on this
where this is also kind of a masculine
sort of thing so if we look at men we do
something called the negative expression
of a positive affection so when my when
I started dating the person who was
going to be my wife like my friends were
happy for me but they could not keep
they could not stop giving me about
it right they were technically they were
happy they were like and I could tell
they were happy they're like oh my God
Alo you're so whipped BR you're so
whipped bro you're so whipped you're so
pathetic like oh my God like oh did you
go to Victoria Secret and buy some
lingerie for yourself because your ass
is whipped and this is what we do to
each other as men when we are proud of
each other we actually express it in a
negative way so it is the negative
expression of a positive affection and
it turns out that this is actually
useful in a couple of ways so if you
have some degree of self-loathing or
hate yourself if you sort of have this
negative expression it can be very
validating right because someone else is
telling you like yeah man like I can see
that you were a loser like you you
technically correct I can see that what
are you going to do about it so this is
the really important thing that we sort
of discover from the the psychology of
military recruits is that negatively
expressing stuff is okay as long as
there's Faith underneath that like you
will make it in the end and what we
actually discover is that what boot camp
does to people people is it improves
this psychological concept called grit
and grit is the very opposite of like
all this self-love and self-compassion
stuff so in 2007 there was a a
psychologist named Angela Duckworth who
discovered this concept called grit
which is sort of like this personality
characteristic which is like people
don't give up it's not self-love it's
not self-compassion it's not like res
it's related to resilience actually is
the closest thing but she basically
noticed that some people like quit when
things go bad and other people like
stick with it and if you really look at
like boot camp what does boot camp do it
boosts grit hey there thanks for
watching and I'm glad these videos have
been helpful a lot of times I'll read
the comments and see people asking well
what do I actually do about it which is
a great question and unfortunately the
resources out there haven't been that
great which is precisely why I started
HG in the first place HG coaches are
trained on a curriculum that integrates
my understanding of what motivates us
what paralyzes us and most importantly
what leads to Lasting behavioral change
if you're ready to take the next step HG
coaches can help you build the life that
you want they've helped people build
careers help people find relationships
build networks of friends and even do
things like discover their passions or
pursue Hobbies so if this sounds like
something that you'd be interested in
check out the link in the description
below and so there's an alternative to
going down the route of self- Lov and if
you're someone who gets incredibly
frustrated by like I don't want to love
myself I don't deserve to love myself I
actually want to make something of my
life you don't need to force yourself
into doing something that feels
unnatural instead what you need to focus
on is building grit and building grit is
about not about doing it or
accomplishing because let's remember if
you lack confidence you can't accomplish
anything instead building grit is just
about not giving up and so if you were
able to make this cognitive reframe and
instead of focusing on even succeeding
what you really need to focus on is I'm
going to keep trying and I'm not going
to give up no matter what and and if
you're able to do that this is going to
be the alternate path to transform your
life so that if you can shape the
circumstances around you by not giving
up then you will deservedly feel love
and pride and confidence for what you've
accomplished so this frustration that I
have with the field of therapy and the
sort of introduction to coaching is
literally why we started a coaching
program it's one of the things that I I
got the most frustrated about is that if
you look at therapists we do not take
responsibility
for improving external things in
people's lives we absolutely take
responsibility for improving clinical
outcomes like reducing feelings of
depression but therapists generally
speaking if you walk into an office and
you say hey can you help me accomplish
this in this amount of time most
therapists will shy away from that and
that's because that's not what what
we're trained for and this is why the
field of coaching is emerging so much
it's because there's a whole ability to
use everything we understand about the
psychology of the mind but point in a
different direction which is not healing
on the inside but accomplishing on the
outside so hopefully this has been a
helpful video for yall I'm with you in
terms of like I don't really care much
for the self-compassion and self-love
it's not how I put together my life I
decided to walk this other path of let
me understand myself and then craft a
life that is worth living and if yall
want to do that the most important place
to start is with the development of
[Music]
grit
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