Why Brené Brown Says Perfectionism Is a 20-Ton Shield | Oprah's Lifeclass | Oprah Winfrey Network

OWN

6 Oct 201303:25

Summary

TLDRThe transcript discusses the concept of 'armor' we use to protect ourselves, focusing on perfectionism as a defense mechanism against shame and fear. It differentiates between healthy striving for excellence and perfectionism driven by external judgment. The speaker shares personal anecdotes to illustrate the impact of 'what will people think' on behavior, emphasizing the importance of overcoming this fear to engage in brave actions.

Takeaways

🛡️ Perfectionism as Armor: The speaker describes perfectionism as a '20-ton shield' we use to protect ourselves from criticism, blame, and ridicule.
🤔 The Link Between Perfectionism and Shame: Perfectionism is often driven by the fear of shame, with shame 'riding shotgun' and fear as the 'backseat driver'.
🔍 Vulnerability and Perfectionism: People tend to be perfectionistic in areas where they feel most vulnerable to shame.
💭 The Mask of Perfectionism: While many are comfortable admitting to being perfectionistic, they may not be as open about the underlying shame.
🚫 The Cost of Perfectionism: Carrying the shield of perfectionism can prevent us from being truly seen and authentic.
🌟 The Difference Between Striving and Perfectionism: Healthy striving is internally focused and about personal best, while perfectionism is about external judgment.
🤷‍♂️ The 'What Will People Think' Syndrome: Perfectionism is often fueled by the concern over others' opinions.
👦🏻 Parenting and Perfectionism: The speaker shares a personal anecdote about preparing her son for his first day at school, highlighting the struggle with 'what will people think'.
🏆 Excellence vs. Perfectionism: The speaker differentiates between striving for excellence, which is healthy, and perfectionism, which is not.
💡 The Importance of Bravery: The script suggests that one cannot be brave while being constrained by the fear of others' judgments.
🔑 Unlocking Authenticity: Letting go of perfectionism can be a key to living more authentically and being open to personal growth.

Q & A

What are the three common types of 'armor' mentioned in the transcript?
-The three common types of 'armor' mentioned are perfectionism, numbing, and foreboding joy.
What is the relationship between perfectionism and shame according to the speaker?
-The speaker suggests that when perfectionism is driving, shame is always riding shotgun, indicating that perfectionism and shame are closely linked.
What does the speaker refer to as the '20-ton shield'?
-The '20-ton shield' is a metaphor for perfectionism, which people use to protect themselves from criticism, blame, and ridicule.
How does the speaker differentiate between healthy striving and perfectionism?
-Healthy striving is internally focused and about personal growth, while perfectionism is about external validation and what other people think.
What is the main issue with using perfectionism as a shield against vulnerability?
-The main issue is that while perfectionism is intended to protect, it actually prevents people from being truly seen and understood.
Why does the speaker mention the example of her son's first day at school?
-The speaker uses the example to illustrate how the fear of what others might think can drive perfectionism and affect behavior.
What does the speaker suggest is a barrier to doing brave things?
-The speaker suggests that the fear of what others will think, or perfectionism, acts as a straight jacket that prevents bravery.
What is the difference between 'what will people think' and striving for excellence, according to the transcript?
-Striving for excellence is about personal growth and doing the best one can, while 'what will people think' is about seeking external validation and approval.
How does the speaker describe the impact of perfectionism on a person's ability to connect with others?
-The speaker implies that perfectionism can act as a barrier to genuine connection, as it prevents people from showing their true selves.
What is the speaker's view on the importance of understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism?
-The speaker believes it's crucial to understand the difference because it helps individuals to pursue personal growth without being hindered by the need for external validation.
How does the speaker relate the concept of perfectionism to the idea of being seen?
-The speaker suggests that while people use perfectionism as a shield to avoid being hurt, it paradoxically keeps them from being truly seen by others.

Outlines

00:00

🛡️ Perfectionism as a Shield Against Vulnerability

The first paragraph discusses the concept of perfectionism as a common armor people use to protect themselves from feelings of shame. It highlights the idea that perfectionism is driven by the fear of criticism, blame, and ridicule. The speaker uses a personal anecdote about receiving an email to illustrate how perfectionism is often associated with shame. The paragraph differentiates between healthy striving for excellence and perfectionism, which is more externally focused on avoiding judgment from others. The speaker emphasizes that perfectionism acts as a heavy shield that prevents individuals from being truly seen and authentic, ultimately hindering bravery and genuine connection.

Mindmap

Keywords

💡Armor

In the context of the video, 'armor' metaphorically refers to psychological defenses that individuals use to protect themselves from perceived vulnerabilities. The speaker discusses how these defenses, such as perfectionism, can actually hinder personal growth and authenticity. For example, the speaker mentions 'perfectionism' as a form of armor that people wear to avoid criticism and ridicule.

💡Perfectionism

Perfectionism is defined as a personality trait involving striving for flawlessness and setting excessively high standards for oneself. In the video, it is described as a '20-ton shield' that people carry to avoid being hurt, but paradoxically, it prevents them from being truly seen and can be driven by underlying shame and fear.

💡Shame

Shame is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress that arises from the perception that one has done something that is socially unacceptable. The video suggests that when perfectionism is at the forefront, shame is always present, indicating that the fear of shame can be a significant motivator for perfectionistic behavior.

💡Fear

Fear, in this context, is the apprehension or anxiety caused by the anticipation of potential negative outcomes or experiences. The speaker uses the metaphor of a car ride to illustrate that when perfectionism is driving, fear is the 'annoying backseat driver,' suggesting that fear can influence and control behavior.

💡Criticism

Criticism is the act of expressing disapproval or pointing out faults. The video discusses how the desire to avoid criticism can lead to perfectionism, as individuals may believe that if they appear perfect, they will escape negative judgment from others.

💡Blame

Blame is the act of attributing responsibility or fault for a perceived wrongdoing. The speaker mentions that perfectionism is a way to minimize blame, suggesting that individuals may use perfectionism as a defense mechanism to avoid being held accountable.

💡Ridicule

Ridicule is the act of making fun of or mocking someone. The video implies that the fear of ridicule can be a powerful motivator for perfectionism, as people may feel compelled to avoid being the subject of mockery by appearing flawless.

💡Healthy Striving

Healthy striving refers to the pursuit of excellence and personal growth without the negative connotations associated with perfectionism. The speaker differentiates between healthy striving and perfectionism, noting that the former is internally focused and driven by personal desire, whereas the latter is concerned with external perceptions.

💡Worthiness

Worthiness, in this context, pertains to a person's sense of self-worth or value. The video suggests that when an individual is experiencing a 'worthiness crunch,' they may be more likely to engage in perfectionistic behaviors as a means to feel worthy or acceptable.

💡Cynicism

Cynicism is a general attitude of distrust or skepticism. Although not deeply explored in the provided transcript, cynicism is listed as one of the 'big three' forms of armor, implying that it may serve as a protective mechanism against vulnerability or disappointment.

💡Being Seen

The concept of 'being seen' refers to the desire for others to recognize and understand one's true self. The video argues that perfectionism, while intended as a shield, actually prevents individuals from being truly seen by others, as it obscures their authentic selves behind a facade of perceived perfection.

Highlights

The big three armors against vulnerability are perfectionism, numbing, foreboding joy, and cynicism.

Perfectionism is often a response to feeling vulnerable to shame.

Shame is always present when perfectionism is driving, with fear as a backseat driver.

Perfectionism is a 20-ton shield that prevents us from being seen while trying to avoid criticism and ridicule.

The difference between healthy striving and perfectionism lies in the focus on internal motivation versus external judgment.

Healthy striving is about personal excellence, while perfectionism is about avoiding what people will think.

The speaker humorously denies being a perfectionist, identifying as someone who strives for excellence.

An example of perfectionism is the concern over what people will think about the speaker's son's first day at school.

Perfectionism can manifest in the smallest details, like a child's monogramming and lunch preparation.

The fear of judgment can lead to an obsession with what others think, hindering bravery.

Cynicism is presented as a form of armor that can be cool but also a barrier to connection.

Being critical is another form of armor that can protect us from perceived threats but at the cost of genuine relationships.

The transcript explores the concept of armor as a defense mechanism against emotional vulnerability.

Armor can be heavy and burdensome, preventing genuine self-expression and connection with others.

The speaker emphasizes the importance of recognizing and addressing the armor we wear to protect ourselves.

The transcript encourages a deeper understanding of the psychological impact of armor and its effects on personal growth.

The speaker shares personal anecdotes to illustrate the concepts of armor and its emotional implications.

The transcript provides insights into how to identify and potentially overcome the armor that may be limiting one's life.