How to have a FULFILLING SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP, or: in praise of 24-hour diners

Summary

Dr. Orion Taraban discusses the key to a fulfilling sexual relationship, emphasizing the importance of having similar libidos with your partner. He argues that sexual desires are hard to change through therapy or conversation, and mismatched libidos often lead to long-term frustration. He likens the situation to arriving at a closed restaurant: insisting on being served is unreasonable, but taking your needs elsewhere is practical. Early in a relationship, it's crucial to establish mutual sexual expectations to avoid future dissatisfaction.

Takeaways

• 😀 The key to a fulfilling sexual relationship is to partner with someone who has a similar libido.
• 😀 Libido compatibility is crucial as it generally doesn't change much over time.
• 😀 Therapy and conversations can't fully resolve libido mismatches in a relationship.
• 😀 Significant differences in sexual desire can lead to frustration and dissatisfaction.
• 😀 Men typically have a higher libido than women, though this is not always the case.
• 😀 Men often view sex as a drive, while women may see it as a mood.
• 😀 It's important to establish expectations around sex early in a relationship to avoid future issues.
• 😀 Comparing a relationship to a restaurant, it's unreasonable to expect service after closing time, just as it's unreasonable to expect sex when one partner isn't in the mood.
• 😀 If a partner's sexual needs aren't met, they may look elsewhere, which can affect other aspects of the relationship.
• 😀 Maintaining a balance and understanding in sexual dynamics is essential for a long-term, satisfying relationship.

Q & A

What is the primary way to have a fulfilling sexual relationship according to Dr. Orion Taraban?

The primary way to have a fulfilling sexual relationship is to partner with someone who has more or less the same libido as you do.

Why is it challenging to change sexual desire through therapy or conversations?

Because sexual desire is something that generally doesn't change significantly, even with therapy or conversations. If one partner wants sex significantly more than the other, it is likely to lead to frustration.

What is the analogy Dr. Taraban uses to describe wanting sex from a partner who is not in the mood?

He compares it to showing up at your favorite restaurant a minute after they close and expecting to be served, which he describes as ludicrous and entitled.

What does Dr. Taraban suggest men do if their partner is not in the mood for sex?

He suggests that men should respect their partner's decision, understand that they need to find satisfaction elsewhere, and communicate this in a non-petulant way.

What is the significance of establishing consequences early in a relationship?

Establishing consequences early on is important because it sets the precedent for how sexual desire and refusal will be handled, making it easier to navigate these issues later in the relationship.

How does Dr. Taraban describe the difference between men's and women's sexual desires?

He states that, in general, men want sex more often than women do, with men's desire being a drive and women's desire being a mood.

What metaphor does Dr. Taraban use to explain how men should handle sexual refusal?

He uses the restaurant metaphor, suggesting that if a man is turned down for sex, he should understand it as a restaurant being closed and take his appetite elsewhere without resentment.

What potential impact does refusing a regular customer have on a restaurant, according to Dr. Taraban?

While refusing one meal may not bankrupt the restaurant, it risks alienating a regular customer, which can jeopardize future business. Similarly, in a relationship, consistently refusing sex can jeopardize the relationship.

What is the 'price of sex' negotiation in early relationships?

In early relationships, both partners tacitly negotiate the 'price of sex,' meaning the level of attention, affection, and commitment expected in exchange for sexual activity.

What does Dr. Taraban say about the relative value of sex in a relationship?

He explains that if a man continues to give the same level of attention and affection without sex, he inadvertently increases the relative value of sex in the relationship, making it a more valuable commodity.

Outlines

00:00

💬 Understanding Libido Compatibility

Dr. Orion Taraban explains that a fulfilling sexual relationship hinges on partnering with someone whose libido matches yours. Despite therapy and conversations, a significant disparity in sexual desire between partners typically leads to frustration and unmet needs. It's crucial to choose a partner with similar sexual interest and who has addressed any personal issues regarding sex and intimacy.

05:03

🍽️ The Restaurant Analogy for Sexual Relationships

Dr. Taraban uses a restaurant analogy to illustrate the dynamics of sexual desire in relationships. Just as it would be unreasonable to demand service after a restaurant has closed, it's unreasonable for a man to expect sex when his partner is not in the mood. Conversely, it's also unrealistic for the restaurant to expect the diner to wait until the next day to eat, just as it's unreasonable for a woman to expect her partner to suppress his desires indefinitely. This analogy highlights the importance of managing sexual expectations and needs.

🔄 Early Relationship Dynamics and Consequences

In the early stages of a relationship, men need to establish consequences regarding unmet sexual desires. Dr. Taraban suggests that if a man’s sexual needs are not met, he should non-petulantly take his ‘business’ elsewhere. This approach sets a precedent and communicates the value of sex in the relationship. Failing to do so early on can lead to long-term dissatisfaction as men may end up with less sex than desired, having inadvertently devalued it through their tolerance.

🤔 Weighing Relationship Costs and Benefits

Dr. Taraban advises men to consider the broader implications of their sexual needs. If a man consistently has his advances turned down, he might take his sexual desires elsewhere, which could also mean withdrawing other aspects of his attention and affection. This potential loss might prompt women to reconsider their stance, recognizing the broader value the man brings to the relationship beyond just sex.

⚖️ Negotiating Sexual Expectations

Establishing sexual boundaries and expectations early in a relationship is akin to negotiating the 'price' of sex. Dr. Taraban stresses that while cuddling is fine, men shouldn’t be surprised if they end up having less sex later on if they accept reduced sexual activity early in the relationship. The value of sex becomes more apparent when compared to its availability elsewhere, indicating the importance of clear, early communication.

🗣️ Engaging with the Audience

Dr. Taraban encourages viewers to share their thoughts in the comments and consider supporting the channel through likes, subscriptions, and membership. He emphasizes the importance of viewer engagement for the growth of his channel and the dissemination of his message.

Keywords

💡Libido

Libido refers to a person's overall sexual drive or desire for sexual activity. In the video, Dr. Orion Taraban emphasizes the importance of having a partner with a similar libido for a fulfilling sexual relationship, as significant differences in sexual desire can lead to frustration and dissatisfaction.

💡Sexual Relationship

A sexual relationship involves the physical and emotional aspects of a partnership where sexual activity occurs. The video discusses how to maintain a fulfilling sexual relationship by aligning sexual desires and managing expectations between partners.

💡Therapy

Therapy refers to professional counseling aimed at resolving psychological issues or relationship problems. Dr. Taraban suggests that while therapy can help address certain issues, it may not change fundamental differences in libido between partners.

💡Negotiated Compromise

A negotiated compromise is an agreement reached between partners to balance differing needs or desires. In the context of the video, it refers to finding a middle ground in sexual frequency, though Dr. Taraban argues this often leads to frustration if libidos are significantly mismatched.

💡Drive vs. Mood

Drive refers to a strong and persistent urge, whereas mood is a temporary state of feeling. Dr. Taraban explains that men typically experience sex as a drive, a relentless impetus to action, while women often experience sex as a mood, which can fluctuate.

💡Reinforcement Protocols

Reinforcement protocols are established patterns of behavior and response within a relationship. The video suggests that setting clear expectations about sexual frequency early in the relationship is easier than changing these patterns later.

💡Restaurant Metaphor

The restaurant metaphor compares a sexual relationship to a dining experience, where a partner's willingness to engage in sex is likened to a restaurant's operating hours. Dr. Taraban uses this metaphor to illustrate the importance of respecting each other's sexual needs and boundaries.

💡Consequences

Consequences refer to the outcomes or actions resulting from a particular behavior. In the video, Dr. Taraban advises establishing consequences early in the relationship for unmet sexual needs, implying that partners should clearly communicate their expectations and act accordingly if those needs are not met.

💡Customer Service

Customer service in the video metaphorically represents the attention and care provided in a relationship, especially regarding sexual needs. Just as a restaurant values regular customers, partners should value each other's sexual desires to maintain a fulfilling relationship.

💡Price of Sex

The price of sex refers to the perceived value and frequency of sexual activity within a relationship. Dr. Taraban discusses how early interactions in a relationship can set precedents for the 'price' or expectations around sex, influencing long-term satisfaction.

Highlights

The way to have a fulfilling sexual relationship is to partner with someone who has more or less the same libido as you do.

Libido mismatch generally doesn't change much even with therapy or conversations.

Significant libido differences between partners often lead to frustration in the long term.

Men usually have a higher sex drive than women, but it can sometimes be the opposite.

For men, sex is a drive, while for women, sex is often a mood.

Establishing consequences early in the relationship regarding sexual expectations is crucial.

Expecting sex from a partner who is not in the mood is likened to demanding service from a restaurant after closing time.

It is not fair for a partner to expect the other to abstain from sex indefinitely if their libido is not matched.

A man's sexual desire doesn't diminish just because a woman's 'kitchen is closed.'

Taking sexual needs elsewhere can be a non-petulant way of addressing libido mismatch.

Regular customers at a restaurant are not equivalent to random diners; losing regulars has a larger impact.

A woman might reconsider her sexual availability if she values her partner's other contributions.

Men should communicate their sexual needs early on in a non-entitled manner.

Tacitly negotiating the price of sex occurs in the early stages of a relationship.

The open market of sexual availability outside the relationship often reflects the true value of sex more accurately.

Transcripts

I'm Dr Orion taraban and this is cycax

Better Living Through psychology and the

topic of today's short talk is how to

have a fulfilling sexual relationship

well too long didn't read the way to

have a fulfilling sexual relationship is

to partner with someone who has more or

less the same libido as you do this is

something that generally doesn't change

you can do all the therapy you want you

can have all the conversations you want

but if somebody wants sex significantly

more than the other partner

that is probably not going to work out

in the long term one or both of those

partners are going to be frustrated with

whatever negotiated compromise or tacit

agreement they hit upon so the way to

have a fulfilling sexual relationship is

to choose someone who is interested in

having sex more or less the same amount

you are and who ideally has worked

through whatever baggage he or she might

have around sex and physical intimacy

because boy do people have baggage

around those things

now contrary to popular belief it's not

always the fact that men have a higher

libido than women do it can absolutely

be the other way around however I would

say that in general men want sex more

often than women do with men sex is a

drive with women sex is a mood a drive

is a Relentless impetus to action a mood

is something that kind of comes and goes

all right so in general men want sex

more than women do so if there is a

frustration in asexual relationship it's

usually because the man wants more sex

than the woman does not always but

generally so

how do you navigate this

guys if you want to have a fulfilling

sexual relationship with a woman you

have to establish consequences early on

in the relationship it is much harder to

do this further down the road due to the

presence of established reinforcement

protocols and likely explicitly

negotiated commitments it's possible but

it's much harder so much better to start

early and what exactly do you do

well wanting sex from a woman who is not

in the mood is kind of like showing up

at your favorite restaurant a minute

after they close

like let's say they serve until 8 pm and

you show up at 801.

and when you walk in the door they say

something like oh so sorry but we're

actually closed our kitchen is closed so

please come back tomorrow

now just like in a romantic relationship

if you were in this situation in real

life it would be absolutely ludicrous

and entitled to insist that you be

served it's only a minute after closing

time but it is technically after closing

time whether it's an inch or a mile out

of bounds is out of bounds and expecting

that an exception is going to be made

for you is a little narcissistic and

absurd that said

it would be just as ludicrous and

entitled for the restaurant to expect

that you're not going to eat until

tomorrow just because their kitchen is

closed

so what do you do in this real life

situation you say oh absolutely

completely understand enjoy the rest of

your night I'm gonna see what else is

open at this hour and I'll come back

another time

and you take your hunger where people

are willing to serve you it's that

simple

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now I get where women are coming from

having sex when you're not in the mood

is kind of like eating when you're not

hungry food just doesn't seem very

appetizing but turning down a man's

advances doesn't diminish his desire

just like saying your kitchen is closed

doesn't make that customer's hunger

disappear

all it does is communicate that he will

need to go elsewhere for satisfaction

and well no one would bat an eyelash at

a diner eating dinner elsewhere the idea

that a man would not just sit there and

be hungry if her kitchen is closed tends

to give some women pause

why well let's go back to the restaurant

metaphor there is a difference between

some random dude who shows up at 801

expecting to be fed in a good regular

customer who shows up at the same time

the one is not equivalent to the other

in both cases the restaurant loses the

profit on one meal but in the latter

case it potentially jeopardizes the

profit on an indefinite number of future

meals

now let's be real that restaurant

probably is not going to go out of

business if that one regular customer

takes his money elsewhere

but in general it's not wise to alienate

your regular customers so if a woman is

liking a man if she likes his attention

if she likes his lifestyle if she likes

his affection

and he is now considering taking his

sexual appetite elsewhere not in a hurt

or vindictive way but in the measured

and rational way a hungry customer would

look for a place to eat at dinner time

then she has to consider the possibility

that he is going to take all those other

things with him

and this will give many women pause and

they might start to think well

it is a minute after closing time but

it is only a minute after closing time

maybe we can make something work in fact

maybe I can get even more out of you

like a big tip by making it seem like

he's a special exception to my usual

business practices

so in the early stages of relationship

this is the leverage that men have you

cannot force a restaurant to serve you

if they are closed for business that's

the way it is however you can absolutely

take your business elsewhere

and if you exercise this option you

should do so in a completely

non-petulant way like hey totally

respect your decision that's fine but I

got to do something about this so I'm

gonna head out enjoy the rest of your

night and we'll get together some other

time

just like in the legal system precedents

have meaning and relationship and

especially early on in the courtship

process one of the many things that the

two of you are doing is tacitly

negotiating the price of sex

guys there is nothing wrong with just

cuddling up to your lady if she turns

down a bid for sex however don't be

surprised if you're having much less sex

than you would like to further into the

relationship this is because you've

basically communicated that the same

degree of attention affection lifestyle

and commitment can be secured with less

sex which makes sex a more valuable

relative commodity in that relationship

and I say in that relationship because

no matter what time of day it is there

is generally a restaurant open somewhere

and the price of food on the open market

is a more accurate reflection of its

true value than the menu prices at any

particular restaurant

what do you think does this fit with

your own experience let me know in the

comments below and if you've gotten this

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as always

thank you for listening