Pet loss grief; the pain explained | Sarah Hoggan DVM | TEDxTemecula

Summary

In this heartfelt video script, an emergency veterinarian shares the profound emotional journey of pet loss, emphasizing the validity of the grief experienced. The speaker addresses societal misconceptions, the unique bond between pets and humans, and the comorbidities that can intensify the grieving process. With empathy and insight, the speech validates the pain of pet loss and encourages understanding as a path to healing.

Takeaways

• 😢 The speaker, an emergency veterinarian, often hears 'I never want to see you again' as a compliment, reflecting the difficult nature of their work.
• 🏥 The speaker describes the emotional impact of delivering hard truths and poor prognoses to pet owners, highlighting the deep emotional connections people have with their pets.
• 💔 The speaker validates the grief associated with pet loss, emphasizing that the pain is real and the emotions shared with pets are genuine.
• 😭 The script discusses the physical manifestations of grief, such as crying and insomnia, which are recognized by the American Psychological Association as normal responses to loss.
• 🔄 The speaker explains that emotional pain can lead to reliving past decisions, a natural response to learn from pain, but one that can feel like punishment in the case of pet loss.
• 🐾 The societal perception of pet loss is often diminished, with people's grief sometimes seen as exaggerated or attention-seeking, which is a misconception.
• 👁 The unique bond between humans and pets is characterized by unconditional love and acceptance, which deepens the pain of loss when that connection is severed.
• 🚑 The responsibility of making euthanasia decisions for pets can be a heavy burden for pet owners, adding to the complexity of their grief.
• 🔐 The speaker identifies five common comorbidities that can exacerbate pet loss grief, such as preventable accidents, rescue backgrounds, pets rescuing owners, pets as living links to lost loved ones, and pets that are more than pets.
• 🤔 The script encourages self-forgiveness, reminding pet owners that pets are better at forgiveness than humans and that self-blame is often misplaced.
• 🌟 The speaker shares a personal story about a man and his dog, illustrating the profound emotional connection some people have with their pets, and the importance of recognizing and respecting that bond.
• 🙏 The speaker concludes with a heartfelt belief in the spiritual connection between humans and pets, suggesting that pets go to heaven, reflecting the deep love and respect for the pet-human relationship.

Q & A

What is the most common compliment Dr. Hoggan receives?

The most common compliment Dr. Hoggan receives is a statement expressing gratitude for her service as an emergency veterinarian, but also a wish to not see her again due to the unfortunate circumstances of her profession.

What emotions does Dr. Hoggan describe people experiencing when they learn about their pet's poor prognosis?

Dr. Hoggan describes people experiencing a range of emotions including visible distress, a change in facial expression, a cracking voice, and tears welling up in their eyes.

Why does Dr. Hoggan emphasize that the grief associated with pet loss is valid?

Dr. Hoggan emphasizes the validity of pet loss grief because the emotions shared with pets were real, and the loss is not of a 'thing' but of a 'someone', a loved one who was special to the owner.

What are some of the documented symptoms of grief according to the American Psychological Association?

The documented symptoms of grief include crying, insomnia, fatigue, confusion, and a feeling of profound sadness.

How does Dr. Hoggan explain the process of reliving decisions leading to pet loss?

Dr. Hoggan explains that reliving decisions is a natural response to emotional pain, as our bodies are wired to recognize pain as a teacher and to learn from it to avoid future harm.

Why does Dr. Hoggan say pet loss grief is different from losing a human?

Pet loss grief is different due to societal diminishment of its validity, the unconditional love in the human-animal bond, and the pet's inability to communicate their feelings or state of health.

What does Dr. Hoggan consider as comorbidities that can make pet loss grief even harder?

Dr. Hoggan identifies comorbidities such as the pet's death being due to a preventable accident, the pet being a rescue, the pet having rescued the owner, the pet being a living link to a loved one who has passed, and the pet being more than just a pet to the owner.

How does Dr. Hoggan describe the unconditional love pets provide?

Dr. Hoggan describes the unconditional love pets provide as a connection where pets do not judge, see no flaws, and communicate through their eyes that the owner is perfect and loved.

What is the story of the man with the intellectually disability and his dog Girl?

The story is about a man with mild intellectual disability whose beloved dog Girl was in end-stage liver failure. The man offered his credit card to Dr. Hoggan in a desperate attempt to save Girl, showing the depth of his love and the difficulty of his loss.

What was the man's response when Dr. Hoggan could not save his dog Girl, and what did he do with her collar?

The man understood and said goodbye to Girl. He then took off her collar and wore it as a bracelet on his wrist, a symbol of the love and connection he had with his pet.

What did Dr. Hoggan tell the man when he asked if pets go to heaven?

Dr. Hoggan told the man that pets do go to heaven, based on her belief that pets fill our homes with love and laughter, and that God's house would not be different.

Outlines

00:00

🐾 The Emotional Impact of Pet Loss

Dr. Hoggan, an emergency veterinarian, discusses the profound emotional impact of pet loss, emphasizing the legitimacy and normalcy of the grief experienced. The script highlights the physical and emotional symptoms of grief as recognized by the American Psychological Association, such as crying, insomnia, and profound sadness. It also touches on the societal tendency to downplay the significance of pet loss, contrasting it with the undeniable happiness pets bring into our lives. The speaker assures the audience that understanding the nature of pet loss grief is the first step towards healing.

05:05

🐕 Unique Aspects of Pet Loss Grief

This paragraph delves into the unique aspects of grieving the loss of a pet, starting with the unconditional love and non-judgmental nature of pets, which makes their loss particularly painful. It mentions the societal misconception that grieving for pets is histrionic or attention-seeking, and how this contrasts with the joy pets bring. The speaker also addresses the heavy responsibility pet owners feel when making end-of-life decisions for their pets, which is compounded by the pets' inability to communicate their feelings, unlike human loved ones.

10:06

😢 Comorbidities of Pet Loss Grief

The third paragraph explores 'comorbidities'—factors that exacerbate the grief of losing a pet. These include scenarios such as the death being due to a preventable accident, the pet being a rescue with whom a deep bond was formed, or the pet having helped the owner through a personal crisis. It also touches on the special grief experienced when a pet serves as a living link to a loved one who has passed away, and the unique case of pets being more than just pets, as illustrated by a story of a man with special needs and his dog, Girl.

15:07

🌈 The Eternal Bond with Our Pets

In the final paragraph, the speaker recounts a poignant story of a man with special needs who had to say goodbye to his beloved dog, Girl. This narrative underscores the deep emotional bonds between humans and pets, and the intense grief that follows such a loss. The speaker reflects on the question of whether pets go to heaven, offering a heartfelt belief that they do, based on the love and joy pets bring into our lives. The story concludes with a message of hope and the enduring love we share with our pets, even after they have passed.

Keywords

💡Emergency Veterinarian

An emergency veterinarian is a specialist in veterinary medicine who provides urgent care for animals that have suffered trauma or are experiencing life-threatening conditions. In the video, the speaker identifies as an emergency veterinarian and describes the emotional toll of delivering difficult news to pet owners about their pets' conditions, which is central to the theme of the video discussing the profound impact of pet loss.

💡Grief

Grief is a natural response to loss, characterized by deep emotional pain, sadness, and a sense of missing someone or something. The video emphasizes the reality and validity of grief associated with pet loss, illustrating how it is a complex emotional experience that can be as intense as losing a human loved one, especially given the unique bond between humans and their pets.

💡Euthanasia

Euthanasia refers to the act of intentionally ending a life to relieve pain and suffering. In the context of the video, it is a difficult decision pet owners may face when their pets are terminally ill or severely injured. The speaker discusses the emotional weight of euthanasia, highlighting it as a significant aspect of the grieving process for pet owners.

💡Unconditional Love

Unconditional love is love without any conditions or limitations, often characterized by complete acceptance and affection. The video describes the unique relationship between pets and their owners, where pets offer unconditional love, which deepens the emotional connection and intensifies the experience of grief when the pet passes away.

💡Emotional Pain

Emotional pain is the psychological suffering experienced in response to a deeply distressing event, such as the loss of a loved one. The script discusses how emotional pain is similar to physical pain in its intensity and how it can lead to the re-experiencing of past events, particularly the decisions leading up to the loss of a pet.

💡Comorbidity

In medical terms, comorbidity refers to the presence of one or more additional conditions co-occurring with a primary disease. In the video, the speaker uses this term to describe factors that can exacerbate the experience of grief following pet loss, such as guilt over preventable accidents or the special significance of the pet to the owner.

💡Rescue Pets

Rescue pets are animals that have been adopted from shelters or rescued from situations of neglect or abuse. The video mentions rescue pets to illustrate the profound bond that can form between a pet and an owner who has provided them a second chance at life, and the deep sense of loss when such a pet passes away.

💡Societal Diminishment

Societal diminishment refers to the tendency of society to downplay or trivialize the significance or importance of something. In the context of the video, it refers to the common underestimation of the emotional pain associated with pet loss, which can lead to feelings of isolation or misunderstanding from others who have not experienced such loss.

💡Pet as a Living Link

A pet as a living link refers to the concept of a pet representing a connection to a deceased loved one. The video script uses this term to describe the special significance of a pet that may have been shared with someone who has passed away, intensifying the sense of loss when the pet dies, as it feels like losing the loved one all over again.

💡Therapy Animals

Therapy animals are pets that are trained to provide comfort and affection to people in hospitals, retirement homes, nursing homes, schools, and other settings. The script touches on the idea of pets providing emotional support, particularly in times of personal crisis, and how losing such a pet can feel like losing a crucial source of support and healing.

💡Guilt

Guilt is a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, wrongdoing, or mistake. In the video, the speaker discusses how guilt can be a comorbidity of pet loss, especially when the owner feels they could have prevented the pet's suffering or death, leading to an additional layer of emotional distress.

💡Pet Heaven

The concept of 'pet heaven' is a comforting belief for many pet owners, suggesting that their pets continue to exist in a peaceful afterlife. The speaker in the video is asked about this concept and provides a heartfelt response that reflects the deep emotional bond between pets and their owners, offering a sense of solace and hope.

Highlights

The most common compliment received by an emergency veterinarian is a paradoxical expression of gratitude and relief after a difficult consultation.

Grief over pet loss is a legitimate and profound emotional experience, often underestimated by society.

The emotional pain of losing a pet is akin to physical pain, triggering a natural response to learn from the experience to avoid future pain.

Grief is recognized as a medical condition with specific symptoms such as crying, insomnia, and profound sadness.

The process of reliving decisions leading to pet loss is a common response to emotional pain, serving as a form of self-reflection.

The societal tendency to diminish pet loss grief as histrionic overlooks the deep emotional bonds formed with pets.

Pets offer unconditional love and acceptance, which is a unique and irreplaceable aspect of the human-animal bond.

The responsibility of making euthanasia decisions for pets can weigh heavily on pet owners, adding to the complexity of grief.

Pet loss grief is compounded by comorbidities such as preventable accidents, adding a layer of guilt and self-blame.

The loss of a rescue pet can evoke a deep sense of loss, as they represent a second chance at life and love.

Pets can act as saviors during personal crises, making their loss particularly poignant as they symbolize hope and support.

Losing a pet that was a living link to a loved one who has passed can trigger a double sense of loss, intensifying grief.

Pets that are more than pets, such as service animals or emotional support animals, hold an irreplaceable place in their owners' lives.

The story of a man and his dog 'Girl' illustrates the depth of the human-animal bond and the profound impact of their loss.

The speaker's personal encounter with a grieving pet owner highlights the importance of empathy and understanding in dealing with pet loss.

The question of whether pets go to heaven reflects the spiritual connection and hope that pet owners hold for their beloved companions.

The speaker emphasizes the importance of acknowledging the legitimacy of pet loss grief and not dismissing it as less significant.

Transcripts

Transcriber: Mandy Vincent Reviewer: Miranda Almeida

“Thank you, Dr. Hoggan. You have been wonderful.

But I never want to see you again.”

Is, oddly, the most common compliment that I receive.

I am an emergency veterinarian.

That means I see terrible things.

Seizure in animals, pets that have been in house fires

and lots and lots of trauma.

When I have to tell people the hard truths about their pet’s condition

and the poor prognosis that accompanies it,

they become visibly different.

Their face contorts, their previously steady voice cracks

and their eyes well.

Despite their stoicism,

a tear escapes to roll down their cheek.

Invariably, when someone breaks down in front of me,

they apologize.

You don’t have to apologize to me.

This is what I have dedicated my life to.

I more than understand the feelings inside

that lead to this outside.

The pain of pet loss is real

because the emotions you shared with your pet were real.

The grief associated with pet loss is valid

because you didn’t lose a thing.

You lost a someone, someone close

and someone special to you.

In case you hadn't realized it yet, I am going to warn you now.

This is a sad subject.

You may cry and you may even ugly cry.

But I promise I will help you understand why this is so hard.

And understanding is the first step to feeling better.

The first thing that you need to know

is that grief is a bona fide medical condition

with documented symptoms.

The American Psychological Association lists them.

They are crying, insomnia, fatigue, confusion

and a feeling of profound sadness.

That means that the pain you feel

and the dysfunction you suffer after you’ve lost a pet isn’t just valid.

It is normal.

Do you know what else is normal when you lose a pet suddenly

or when you have to make a euthanasia decision?

Reliving every minute and every decision that led to that point.

Do you know why you do that?

You do that because emotional pain hurts just like physical pain.

And we are hard wired to recognize pain as a teacher.

Our body has reflexes that will pull our hand off a hot stove.

We have pulled ourselves to safety even before we know the burn has occurred.

Unfortunately, no such instant rescue mechanism exists for emotional pain.

That means we need to study the events that led to the pain,

to try to learn something from it and avoid it in the future.

I am sure this is a highly adaptive mechanism

that helped my ancestors survive

but unfortunately now, reliving those decisions

just feels like punishment.

When I talk to people about pet loss

and I explain to them it is different than losing a human,

they believe me because they feel it but they don’t know why it is different.

It is different for multiple reasons.

The first reason is that our society tends to diminish

the validity of the pain of pet loss.

They act like it is almost histrionic.

Histrionic is a word that means theatrical,

like you’re just grieving for attention.

You know, it’s funny.

Nobody questions our pets ability to make us happy.

I would say the 14 million cat videos on the Internet cement that data.

(Laughter)

If our pets can make us so happy that we laugh out loud,

then losing them can absolutely have the opposite effect and break our heart.

The second reason that pet loss grief is different

is because the relationship is different.

When our pets look at us, they do not judge.

They don’t see our flaws.

They look at us and they say with their eyes,

“You are perfect, and I love you.”

That is the warmest and most fulfilling connection to have.

And that is what makes it so incredibly hard

when those eyes go away.

I have had many people tell me like it was a terrible secret

that they were confessing,

“I cried more when my pet died than when my mom died.”

That isn’t a terrible secret.

If somebody criticized you or told you what a disappointment you were,

of course you’re not going to miss them as much.

(Laughter)

As someone who tells you every day with their actions,

“I love you. And I’m so glad that you are mine.”

Even if you had an incredible mom.

Her ability to speak makes all the difference.

(Laughter)

She could tell you that she was tired.

That she didn’t feel good.

That she had lived her life and she was ready to go.

While it’s hard to hear at the time,

it means that when you lose her, she’s finally at peace.

So you get some peace.

Our pets don’t have the ability to tell us that.

So that means often when it’s their time to go,

that’s our decision.

That is a heavy responsibility to carry.

The societal diminishment of pet loss grief,

the unconditional love that makes the human animal bond

and our pet’s inability to speak,

all make pet loss grief different from losing a human.

And if that is enough explanation for you and you feel better,

then I am so glad.

But I suspect it isn’t

because what makes pet loss grief hardest

are the factors that made your relationship so special.

Those factors are actual comorbidities to the grief.

Comorbidity is a medical term

that means something that makes a bad situation even worse.

I’m sure that there are actually hundreds of comorbidities

but there are five that I see most commonly.

The first comorbidity is if you lost your pet

or had to make a euthanasia decision due to a preventable accident,

like the lady that left a tube of topical chemotherapy cream down on her nightstand.

It never occurred to her the puppy would get up there and chew up the tube.

Chemotherapy is designed to kill fast growing cells.

100% of a puppy is fast growing cells.

There was nothing that I could do.

In that situation, it is natural to turn blame inward and beat yourself up.

But, you know, logically you can’t account for every single scenario.

And pets have a free will that can’t be accounted for.

My own dog proved it when he defiantly urinated

on my favorite reading chair right in front of me.

(Laughter)

Of course you feel responsible,

but you need to know that animals are so much better at forgiveness

than humans.

The only person holding a grudge against you is you.

I promise your pet is not.

The second comorbidity is if the pet you lost was a rescue,

not the riotous puppy but the adult you found at the shelter

whose sad eyes looked hollow.

A broken soul that learns to love and trust again

because you opened up your heart.

And if you lost your pet because you had to make a euthanasia decision

and give them a soft goodbye,

yes, that hurts.

Sorry.

You know that you made that decision because you were saving them

from the imminent pain, fear and suffering that lay ahead.

Your first rescue brought them joy.

Your final rescue gave them peace.

The third comorbidity is not if you rescued your pet,

but if they rescued you.

If they got you through a crisis with their calm presence,

reminding you that you are loved and you have someone to live for.

I can tell you in my own life, when I reached out for a hand,

I found a paw.

In your lifetime together, your pet was devoted to you

and they proved it with their actions when you needed it the most.

But they left your side when they had no other choice,

when they had to go eat or they had to go to the bathroom.

When you let them go,

you made that decision because you had no other choice.

They understand no other choice situations

and they understand the choice that you made.

The fourth comorbidity is if you lost a pet that was a living link

to someone you loved and lost before

and now losing that pet feels like losing them all over again.

Yes, that hurts.

But you have treasured your shared pet.

So you did twice the loving

and you can feel proud that you honored that person’s memory

with regular offerings of food, water and affection to a furry temple of love.

Of course, you are going to grieve because you did a good job

loving both that person and your shared pet.

But you need to keep going now because someone else needs your love.

You need to love yourself like you loved both of them.

The person who needs your love now is you.

The fifth comorbidity is perhaps the hardest

and that is when you lose a pet that is more than a pet.

I learned about this early in my career when I did the hardest euthanasia

that I have ever done.

It was for a man who was mildly intellectually disabled

and he had a very sick little dog that he had named Girl.

She was in end stage liver failure.

There was nothing I could do, no matter how much I wanted to save her.

I could not and I told him that.

And he answered me in a voice choked with desperate anger.

He said, “You don’t understand. I’m special.

The girl that I love the most is this girl and she loves me, too.

I need her.”

I did understand

and I didn’t know what else to say,

and he didn’t either.

So he decided to test me.

He became very quiet and he said, almost in a whisper,

“I’m not supposed to tell anybody this,

but I have a credit card and I will give it to you

and I will keep it a secret, if you will just fix Girl.”

That moment hurt.

That moment still hurts.

When I said no to his credit card,

he understood and he told her goodbye.

But he took off her collar and he put it on his wrist as a bracelet.

And he worked for some months.

He came back to the hospital a few times just to show me

he was still wearing it.

Are you going to question his sense of loss?

Are you going to tell him that all the love he gave her

and she gave him wasn't real?

Are you going to suggest that he should just get over it

or he should just replace her like she was some broken toy?

Of course not.

So don’t say those things to anybody else,

but especially not to yourself.

The pain of pet loss is real

and the grief from pet loss is valid.

After Girl’s dad held her a final time,

he asked me if our pets go to heaven.

I will tell you that theology was not a course taught in veterinary school.

But my answer to him didn't come from my head or my training.

It came from my heart.

I told him, “Of course they do.

Our pets share our homes not because they pay the mortgage

but because they fill it floor to ceiling with love and laughter.

Their joy gives us something to look forward to every single day.

Why would God’s house be any different?”

(Applause)