3 ways to resolve a conflict | Dorothy Walker | TED Institute

Summary

This video script narrates the contagious nature of human emotions and energy, illustrated by a touching homecoming of a veteran. It delves into the concept of 'energy transference' and its impact on conflict resolution. The speaker, pursuing a PhD in dispute resolution, shares insights from experienced mediators, emphasizing the innate and learnable skill of positive energy transference in daily life conflicts. The script outlines three steps for conflict resolution: preparation, diffusing and moving towards collaboration, and reaching a consensus, highlighting the importance of all parties' willingness to resolve the conflict.

Takeaways

• 😭 Emotional Impact: The video begins with a touching story of a veteran's homecoming, illustrating the power of emotions and how they can be contagious.
• 🌟 Energy Transference: The concept of energy transference is introduced, highlighting how personal feelings, moods, and attitudes can influence others.
• 🔄 Negative to Positive Shift: Positive energy can shift people's energy from negative to neutral or positive, whereas negative energy can upset others.
• 🌐 Global Impact: Long-standing disputes can have a worldwide impact, causing pain and suffering, which motivates the speaker to pursue a PhD in dispute resolution.
• 🔍 Research Findings: The speaker's research involved interviewing professional mediators who agreed that positive energy transference is both innate and a learnable skill.
• 👥 Universal Mediation: Everyone has the potential to act as a mediator in various settings, from formal mediations to everyday conflicts.
• ⚠️ Conflict Resolution Prerequisite: For successful conflict resolution, all parties must be willing to work towards a resolution.
• 📅 Preparation for Mediation: The importance of preparing for a conflict by setting a future date and time when emotions have settled is emphasized.
• 👂 Active Listening and Questioning: In conflict resolution, asking neutral questions can help diffuse tension and shift the conversation towards collaboration.
• 🤝 Seeking Consensus: Once negative energy has subsided, it's crucial to seek a consensus, either verbally or in writing, to ensure a peaceful resolution.
• 💡 Positive Energy Power: The speaker believes that everyone can harness their positive energy, derived from compassion, empathy, and sincere intentions, to resolve conflicts.

Q & A

What is the main topic of the video?

The main topic of the video is the concept of energy transference and how positive energy can be used to resolve conflicts.

What example is given at the beginning of the video to illustrate energy transference?

The example given is of a veteran surprising his wife and children, which resulted in a highly emotional and positive energy transfer among the family members and even the viewers.

What are the three steps mentioned for resolving conflicts using positive energy?

The three steps are: 1) Prepare, 2) Diffuse and move forward, and 3) Make an agreement.

Why is it important to prepare before mediating a conflict?

It's important to prepare to allow emotions and energy to settle, and to be ready to shift positive energy into the mediation process.

What is one technique suggested for diffusing conflict and moving forward?

One technique is to observe, listen, and ask neutral questions to make people stop and think, which helps diffuse negative energy and facilitates collaboration.

Can you give an example of a neutral question that can help diffuse conflict?

An example of a neutral question is, 'What do you think about this new change?' which helps validate people’s feelings and encourages collaboration.

What is the significance of making an agreement in the conflict resolution process?

Making an agreement, whether verbal or written, solidifies the consensus reached and ensures that all parties have a clear understanding of the resolution steps.

How does the speaker describe the nature of energy in a conflict resolution setting?

The speaker describes energy as constantly moving and changing in a conflict resolution setting, and emphasizes the importance of shifting it to positive energy to reach a resolution.

What personal experience does the speaker share about the importance of willingness in conflict resolution?

The speaker shares a personal experience from their first marriage, where a divorce counselor asked if they wanted to work things out. The lack of willingness to resolve the conflict led to the counselor being unable to help.

What professional background does the speaker have in relation to conflict resolution?

The speaker has a PhD in dispute resolution and has conducted research by interviewing 11 professional mediators and facilitators with extensive experience.

What are some settings where the speaker suggests positive energy transference can be used?

Positive energy transference can be used in formal mediations, business mergers, workplace conflicts, personal arguments between friends or strangers, and even family disputes at home.

Outlines

00:00

😭 Emotional Impact of Energy Transference

This paragraph describes the powerful emotional scene of a veteran's homecoming, highlighting the contagious nature of energy and emotions. It explains how personal feelings and attitudes can influence others, both positively and negatively, and introduces the concept of energy transference. The speaker shares their own experience of being moved to tears by a stranger's joy, and how this led to their interest in conflict resolution. The paragraph also touches on the speaker's research into dispute resolution, interviewing experienced mediators who agree that positive energy transference is both an innate ability and a skill that can be learned and applied in everyday life.

05:04

🤝 Steps to Resolve Conflicts with Positive Energy

The second paragraph outlines a three-step process for resolving conflicts using positive energy. The first step is preparation, which involves setting a future date and time for mediation when emotions are less intense, and creating a conducive environment for discussion. The second step is to diffuse the conflict by asking neutral questions that encourage reflection and collaboration, allowing negative energy to dissipate while fostering a positive atmosphere. The final step is to reach a consensus and make an agreement, ideally in writing, to ensure clarity and prevent future misunderstandings. The speaker emphasizes the importance of all parties wanting to resolve the conflict and shares personal anecdotes to illustrate the effectiveness of these steps.

Keywords

💡Energy Transference

Energy transference refers to the way emotions and attitudes can spread from one person to another. In the video, this concept is central to understanding how a person's positive or negative energy can impact those around them. For example, a veteran's return home spreads joy and love to his family, while a grumpy co-worker can negatively affect an entire room's mood.

💡Positive Energy

Positive energy is the uplifting, optimistic, and constructive force one can project through their emotions and attitudes. It is crucial in resolving conflicts and improving interactions. The video emphasizes that positive energy can shift others' moods from negative to neutral or even positive, aiding in conflict resolution.

💡Conflict Resolution

Conflict resolution involves finding a peaceful solution to a disagreement. The speaker in the video, who pursued a PhD in dispute resolution, outlines steps to resolve conflicts using positive energy. These steps include preparing for the mediation, diffusing negative energy, and reaching an agreement.

💡Mediator

A mediator is someone who facilitates the resolution of a conflict by helping the parties involved communicate more effectively. In the video, the speaker explains that anyone can act as a mediator in various situations, such as workplace disputes or family arguments, by using positive energy to guide the process.

💡Preparation

Preparation is the first step in the conflict resolution process outlined in the video. It involves setting a future date for the mediation to allow emotions to settle and gathering the necessary materials and mindset to bring positive energy into the discussion. This step helps ensure a calm and productive environment for resolving the conflict.

💡Neutral Questions

Neutral questions are inquiries that do not imply judgment or bias, helping to diffuse tension and promote open communication. The video suggests asking neutral questions during mediation to allow negative energy to deflate and to encourage collaborative problem-solving. Examples include asking about the costs and feasibility of proposed changes.

💡Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It is a critical component of projecting positive energy and effectively mediating conflicts. The speaker notes that empathy, combined with compassion and sincere intentions, drives the positive energy necessary for resolving disputes.

💡Collaboration

Collaboration involves working together to achieve a common goal. In the context of conflict resolution, it means that all parties work together to find a mutually beneficial solution. The video highlights how asking questions that promote collaboration can help diffuse conflict and build consensus.

💡Consensus

Consensus is an agreement reached by all parties involved in a discussion. It signifies that everyone has had the opportunity to voice their opinions and contribute to the final decision. In the video, reaching a consensus is described as a crucial step in resolving conflicts and solidifying the agreement reached during mediation.

💡Dispute

A dispute is a disagreement or argument between parties. The speaker in the video talks about various types of disputes, from family conflicts to workplace disagreements, and how they can be resolved using positive energy transference. The goal is to address and settle disputes peacefully through mediation.

Highlights

A veteran's emotional homecoming demonstrates the contagious nature of emotions and energy.

Energy transference can affect moods and attitudes positively or negatively.

The impact of one person's energy on a group, exemplified by a grumpy co-worker or an energetic sports fan.

The concept of energy transference in conflict resolution.

The speaker's pursuit of a PhD in dispute resolution to explore alternative conflict resolution methods.

Interviews with professional mediators revealing positive energy transference as a key skill in conflict resolution.

The potential for everyone to act as a mediator in various conflict scenarios.

The importance of all parties wanting to resolve the conflict for successful mediation.

Three simple steps to resolving conflicts using positive energy.

Preparation as a crucial step in conflict resolution, including setting a future date and time to mediate.

The technique of diffusing conflict through observation, listening, and asking neutral questions.

The role of consensus and agreement in finalizing conflict resolution.

The dynamic nature of energy in a room and its impact on reaching a neutral state for consensus.

The necessity of written agreements to avoid misunderstandings, even in informal mediations.

The belief in the possibility of resolving all conflicts with the right approach and positive energy.

The speaker's encouragement for everyone to use their positive energy to resolve conflicts.

Transcripts

The other day I watched a YouTube video where a veteran came home to

surprise his wife and young children.

There were tears rolling down everyone's cheeks.

The children were holding onto their father for dear life.

Even the dogs were bouncing off the walls.

There was so much compassion and love that I started crying too.

And I don't even know these people.

Your energy and emotions are contagious.

We transfer our energy to each other all the time.

For better or for worse.

Often without realizing it.

Maybe you've seen how one grumpy

co-worker can sink the mood of an entire conference room of people.

Or how one energetic sports fan can get the whole table of people cheering for their team.

These are just three examples of what I call energy transference.

And when I say energy I'm not talking about particles, radiation or thermodynamics.

I'm talking about energy.

Like your personal feelings, moods and attitudes.

The people around you can feel your positive energy.

And it can even shift their energy from

negative to neutral, neutral to positive.

And if you're upset your negative energy can make others upset.

I have seen how long-standing disputes have circled around the world endlessly.

Leaving so much pain and suffering.

So I decided to go for my PhD in dispute resolution.

I wondered if there were alternative ways to

resolve conflict.

So in my research

I interviewed 11 professional mediators and facilitators.

They had decades of experience with major companies,

governments and family counseling.

They all agreed that

positive energy transference is an innate ability

and a learnable skill.

One that you can use in your daily life.

Everyone can act as a mediator.

Whether it's in a formal mediation or in a merger,

a conflict with a co-worker,

an argument between friends or strangers.

Or even at home in the middle of the kitchen floor holding two children back as they throw

punches at each other.

So today

I'll tell you how to resolve conflicts transferring energy,

and using your positive energy.

But first, a word of warning.

To succeed, all parties of the conflict must want to work it out.

In my first marriage we went to a divorce counselor

and the first question she asked was.

Do you want to work this out?

I said, "no not really."

So she said, "well sorry I can't help you."

So we turned around and walked back out.

So assuming that's not the case

here are three simple steps to unstick a conflict

move it forward using your positive energy and come away with a peaceful

resolution.

Step one:

Prepare.

One of the biggest mistakes you can make as a mediator is to jump right into a conflict when the emotions are high.

Whenever possible, the best bet is to set a future date and time.

When the emotions and energy can settle

and deflate

giving you the opportunity to get ready for the conflict.

And to start shifting positive energy into the mediation.

For example,

say your daughter wants to go bungee jumping and dad says, "no way."

So she comes to you and asks you if you can help her talk to him.

You think it's a crazy idea to tie a rope around your ankles

and jump off a 500 foot bridge.

But you can't say that because you're the mediator.

So this is what you do instead.

You schedule a time that's convenient for everyone.

You meet in the most comfortable room that has no distractions.

You make sure that

everyone has a glass of cold water.

You meditate for a few minutes to eliminate outside distractions.

This will allow you to focus, stay impartial, and bring your

positive energy into the mediation.

Step two:

Diffuse and move forward.

In step two you want to observe, listen and ask questions

to diffuse the conflict and move it towards a collaboration.

Asking neutral questions will make people stop and think.

During this pause, we'll allow negative energy to start diffusing.

During that time the negative energy and emotions will start deflating

and that'll give you time to shift positive energy into the conversation.

For example, I was a project manager and we were installing a major software

system for a payroll system.

The contracts and schedules were finalized,

and the client requested a major change in the vendors.

And this caused a heated conflict between the groups doing the work.

Once you've prepared for the conflict you have to sit down with all the major groups and start

asking neutral and non-threatening questions.

Ask questions like,

"Well how much will this cost?" and "When can it get done?"

This will give you the

intent that you're suggesting a collaboration.

And you're going to ask

what do you think about this new change?

This will help people diffuse and feel like they are

validated.

And also ask,

"Are there other possibilities that we haven't considered?"

This will refocus on new ideas rather than fixed points of view.

So when the smoke has cleared and the stone faces begin to melt,

that's time to get a consensus. Once that's completed you have that positive energy going for you.

So, step three:

Step three is to make an agreement.

I was told in the interviews that

the energy in the room is constantly moving and changing.

And once the energy is neutral that's time to get a consensus.

In a verbal or written agreement.

That's true in business in interpersonal conflicts too.

I co-mediated conflict between three college roommates.

And we discussed everything from

who would take out the trash on which days to

how they would use the open living space.

And even though this was a mediation

between friends we still wrote up a written agreement

with specific steps

to make sure there was no misunderstandings.

I believe that there's a resolution to

all conflicts. It just takes a willingness to try.

Your positive energy.

That comes from your compassion, empathy, and sincere intentions and it's your

desire that sets it in motion.

So

I believe that everyone can use their positive energy

to resolve the next conflict in their life.

Thank you.