"I'm so OCD": the reality of OCD | Jayde Edgren | TEDxUBC
Summary
TLDRThis video script narrates the personal journey of an individual with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), detailing their experiences with intrusive thoughts and the impact on their life. From childhood habits to severe cases like Homosexual and Pedophilic OCD, the speaker candidly discusses their coping mechanisms, the role of reassurance, and the struggle to separate their identity from their thoughts. The narrative also touches on the support from family and the resilience developed through overcoming challenges, concluding with a message of hope and self-determination.
Takeaways
- 😔 OCD is often misunderstood as being about cleanliness or extreme organization, but it's much more complex and can manifest in various ways.
- 📚 The speaker's personal experiences with OCD began at a young age and involved compulsive behaviors and intrusive thoughts.
- 🤔 Intrusive thoughts are unwanted and distressing thoughts that can persist for a long time, causing significant anxiety for those with OCD.
- 🏳️🌈 The speaker developed HOCD (homosexual OCD), a fear of being gay, after a seemingly innocuous event, highlighting how specific triggers can lead to OCD obsessions.
- 🔁 The speaker's experience with HOCD involved taking online quizzes repeatedly, trying to find reassurance about their sexual orientation.
- 🏛️ The speaker identified as bisexual as a coping mechanism to deal with HOCD, illustrating one strategy to manage intrusive thoughts.
- 👨👩👧👦 Family support is crucial for individuals with OCD, and the speaker acknowledges the love and understanding of their family despite the challenges.
- 🧐 The speaker's OCD also led to POCD (pedophilic OCD), a fear of being a pedophile, showing how OCD can manifest in various forms of intrusive thoughts.
- 💪 Overcoming OCD requires learning to separate one's identity from intrusive thoughts and developing resilience against them.
- 👶 The speaker's OCD was triggered by a traumatic childhood incident, indicating that OCD can be activated by specific events in one's life.
- 🌈 The speaker emphasizes the importance of perseverance and self-belief in overcoming challenges, drawing on personal experiences to inspire others.
Q & A
What is the first misconception about OCD that the speaker mentions?
-The first misconception mentioned is that people usually think of OCD as being a germaphobe or someone who is highly organized.
How does the speaker describe their experience with OCD in terms of daily life?
-The speaker describes their experience as one where OCD manifests through intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors, such as playing Russian Roulette with antidepressants and having a fear of lying.
What is an example of an intrusive thought the speaker experienced?
-An example of an intrusive thought the speaker experienced is the fear of driving off a bridge into a river, which led to avoiding bridges, water bodies, and even placing paper towels in their mouth before sleeping to prevent drowning.
What is 'hocd' as described in the script?
-Hocd, or homosexual OCD, is a type of OCD where the individual has intrusive thoughts and fears about the possibility of being gay, which is not something they desire.
How did the speaker initially cope with their hocd?
-The speaker initially coped with their hocd by identifying as bisexual as a way to accept the intrusive thoughts as a possibility and to alleviate the discomfort caused by these thoughts.
What was the speaker's realization after moving to University and experimenting?
-The speaker realized that they were not gay and that they had mistaken wanting to be someone with wanting to be with someone, leading to a better understanding of their own sexuality.
What is 'pocd' as described in the script?
-Pocd, or pedophilic OCD, is a type of OCD where the individual has obsessive fears about the possibility of being a pedophile, often triggered by normal thoughts about children.
How did the speaker's family react to their OCD?
-The speaker's family, especially the mother, was very supportive and understanding, despite the speaker saying hurtful things to them during their struggles with OCD.
What was the inciting incident that the speaker believes triggered their OCD?
-The inciting incident was a misunderstanding when the speaker was five years old, where their father misheard them and accused them of having an inappropriate desire, causing a traumatic experience.
How does the speaker view their past struggles with OCD?
-The speaker views their past struggles as a part of their life that has made them stronger and more appreciative of the good times, emphasizing that their experiences have shaped them into who they are today.
What advice does the speaker's economics professor give them?
-The economics professor advises the speaker that 'life is what happens when you're busy making other plans,' a quote from John Lennon, to emphasize that one should not rely on others or external factors for success.
Outlines
🔍 Understanding OCD Through Personal Experience
The speaker begins by illustrating the difficulty of explaining Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) to those unfamiliar with it, often misunderstood as mere germaphobia or excessive neatness. The narrative dives into the speaker's personal experiences with OCD, from childhood habits like responding 'maybe, maybe not' to questions due to a fear of lying, to the intrusive thoughts that can haunt individuals with OCD for extended periods. The description of intrusive thoughts is vivid, explaining how a fleeting thought for someone without OCD can become a consuming obsession for someone with the disorder, leading to avoidance behaviors and life disruptions. The speaker also touches on the development of HOCD (homosexual OCD), a specific form of OCD characterized by intrusive thoughts about one's sexual orientation.
🏳️🌈 Navigating HOCD and the Quest for Self-Understanding
In this paragraph, the speaker recounts their struggle with HOCD, which involved intrusive thoughts about their sexual orientation after a seemingly innocent Snapchat video. The speaker's journey includes taking numerous online quizzes to determine their sexual identity, experiencing distress over the possibility of being gay, and the fear of being treated differently. They eventually identify as bisexual as a coping mechanism, hoping to alleviate OCD's grip by accepting the intrusive thoughts as a possibility. However, after moving to university and some personal exploration, they realize they are not gay. The speaker also discusses the role of reassurance in OCD, the temporary relief it provides, and the importance of addressing the root cause of intrusive thoughts to overcome OCD.
👨👩👧👦 Family Dynamics and the Impact of OCD
The speaker reflects on the role of their family in their OCD journey, expressing deep gratitude for their family's support despite the hardships and emotional turmoil caused by the disorder. They acknowledge the guilt and regret from saying hurtful things to their family, especially their mother, during moments of extreme distress. The speaker discusses the concept of sunk costs in the context of their past actions, choosing to learn from these experiences and strive to become a better person. They also touch upon the chronic loneliness that resulted from their early experiences with OCD and the constant need to prove themselves to others.
🌱 Growth Through Adversity and the Power of Resilience
In the final paragraph, the speaker emphasizes the importance of overcoming adversity and the personal growth that stems from enduring tough experiences. They share their own story of academic challenges and near failure, using it as a testament to the power of resilience and determination. The speaker recounts a near academic disaster that was resolved unexpectedly, leading to a renewed sense of purpose and success. They conclude with a quote from their economics professor, attributed to John Lennon, about life's unpredictability, and a message of hope and perseverance for those facing their own struggles.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡OCD
💡Intrusive thoughts
💡HOCD
💡POCD
💡Reassurance
💡Coping mechanism
💡Inciting incident
💡Genetic predisposition
💡Chronic loneliness
💡Self-acceptance
💡Resilience
Highlights
The difficulty of explaining Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) to those who do not have it.
Common misconceptions about OCD, such as associating it with germaphobia or extreme organization.
Personal anecdotes illustrating the irrational fears and behaviors associated with OCD.
The concept of intrusive thoughts and their profound impact on individuals with OCD.
The development of homosexual OCD (HOCD) triggered by an innocuous Snapchat video.
The struggle with HOCD, including taking online quizzes to determine sexual orientation.
The decision to identify as bisexual as a coping mechanism for HOCD.
The realization that identifying as bisexual did not align with personal experiences and feelings.
The transition from HOCD to pedophilic OCD (POCD) after an encounter with a young child.
The challenge of overcoming POCD and the difficulty of accepting intrusive thoughts related to it.
The importance of family support in dealing with OCD and the impact on personal relationships.
The speaker's journey of self-acceptance and learning to separate character from thoughts in managing OCD.
The role of reassurance in temporarily alleviating the distress caused by intrusive thoughts.
The need to be smarter than OCD to outsmart it and the importance of addressing its root causes.
The speaker's personal growth and resilience in the face of chronic loneliness and mental health challenges.
The inciting incident that triggered the speaker's OCD and its lasting effects on their life.
The silver lining of overcoming adversity and the importance of perseverance in personal growth.
A personal anecdote about a near academic failure and the determination to overcome it.
The quote from John Lennon about life happening when you're busy making other plans, highlighting the unpredictability of life.
The absence of closure in the speaker's journey with OCD, emphasizing the ongoing nature of the condition.
Transcripts
[Music]
thank you
okay
let's begin
it's kind of hard to explain OCD to
somebody who doesn't have it
when you first mention it
the first thing people usually think of
is the germaphobe
but my Starbucks cup has been rotting on
my bedside table for the past three
weeks and probably has coveted 20 21 and
22 in it
or they'll imagine somebody who's very
highly organized
but I keep all my antidepressants in a
bowl mixed together in a bowl beside my
bed and play Russian Roulette taking
them in the dark before I sleep to see
if I wake up the next morning
see OCD is one of those things I can
only really explain in the form of
stories not words
so when I was maybe eight to ten years
old I had this habit of responding maybe
maybe not
when asked if I did something
an example being you know I'd come home
from school and my mom would ask me jade
can you put the dishes away and be like
fine
so I go over to the kitchen and I put
the dishes away
well I'd put the dishes away and then
I'd wipe down the counter a couple of
times and then I go up to my room to
play Moshi Monsters for three hours
when my mom would go into the room and
ask me hey Jade
did you uh did you put the dishes away
I'd say
maybe maybe not
because in my head the idea of there
being a molecule of the porcelain plate
on the counter
meant that the job wasn't done and if I
said I did put the dishes away and there
was a molecule of that plate on that
countertop I'd be a liar
and I had a fear of lying
so the cycle continued
Jay did you uh wash your hands after you
took that in the bathroom
Maybe
maybe not
see the main thing that people with OCD
experience that really terrorizes them
in something called intrusive thoughts
you see intrusive thoughts are unwanted
thoughts that are very very invasive and
often extremely uncomfortable
you know when you're driving over the
bridge and think to yourself really
quickly oh I could totally off-road into
the river right now
yeah somebody without OCD might think
about that thought for I don't know 5 10
maybe 30 seconds
somebody with OCD will think about that
thought for up to months
first they'll stop driving over the
bridge
because they're scared they're going to
kill themselves they won't go to the
beach or the lake
or the pool
don't go outside when it's raining
because we'll develop a fear of water
and then before they sleep they'll put
paper towels in their mouth because
they're scared they're going to drown on
their own saliva
it gets to a point where it completely
takes over your life
now that is actually one of the nicer
examples of OCD OCD finds it fun to
terrorize you and prey on whatever your
most vulnerable vulnerable or insecure
about
or it'll just be pure taboo
It's Like A Parasite on the brain
speaking of being disturbed and
vulnerable
I want to talk about something that
happened a few years ago when my friend
sent me a Snapchat video of her licking
her lips in kind of a sexual way as a
joke
it wasn't intended to be sexual
obviously it was a joke but I developed
hocd because because of it homosexual
OCD which is the fear of the possibility
of being gay
keep in mind that variance of OCD like
hocd are clinical mental problems and I
want to make that very clear
I spent all night when these thoughts
developed doing these online am I gay
quizzes
when they told me I was gay I'd retake
them and when they told me I wasn't I'd
retake them I probably took these
quizzes a hundred times 200 times
a lot of times
I didn't enjoy these thoughts they
really bothered me
they bothered me because I thought I
enjoyed them
but keep in mind when I say that they
bothered me it's not that I have
anything against gay people you know I
think gay people should be able to do
whatever they want love who they want to
love and
be happy
I also know that people are entitled to
their own opinions
even if they're wrong
but I um but I just feel like it wasn't
me
and I was afraid of being treated
differently than I already felt I was
treated
I told my dad a couple of days after
these thoughts developed
and he said he didn't mind and he
started reciting I Kissed a Girl lyrics
by Katy Perry
but the existential crisis I was dealing
with was that I didn't know whether I
like these thoughts or not and if I did
I didn't want to
over the span of a couple of months
over the span of a couple of months I
let the Gay Thoughts marinate in my
brain
and eventually I decided to identify as
a bisexual as a coping mechanism
I thought that my OCD would have nothing
to bother me if I kind of just accepted
it as a fact
I kind of told myself well
this is who I am then this is who I have
to be I'm not gonna live in my own
thoughts being uncomfortable with my own
thoughts
I also you didn't bother me much after
that but after I moved to University and
experimented a bit I realized that I
wasn't gay and then I mistook
wanting to be somebody with wanting to
be with somebody
I probably shouldn't have had to go as
far as to do some of the nasty things
that I did to come to that realization
but the realization came and for the
sake of my mental well-being I'm going
to choose to ignore the details
I don't feel like relapsing homosexually
at the moment I have a boyfriend now and
uh and I'm not too sure you'd be very
happy about that or or maybe he might
you know some guys are into that
but that was the end of my hocd now I
like to spend my time on the OCD
subreddit
talking to people who are currently
dealing with hocd and trying trying to
make their lives a little bit less
miserable
however I got under a little bit of Fire
when I told somebody who is suffering to
just you know
try it and find out
but uh yeah they didn't like that very
much I'm a big believer in trying
anything twice
but uh yeah they didn't they didn't
really agree with me on that one you see
people with OCD they crave something
called reassurance which is basically
where you need somebody else to tell you
that you're okay
and sometimes you need to give people
with OCD reassurance because it
temporarily alleviates the pain caused
by these intrusive thoughts
but because that because this
reassurance is only temporary
it's only going to lead you to wanting
more
which is why the only way to truly get
rid of it is pulling it from its root
which means accepting it as a
possibility
but sometimes accepting your intrusive
thoughts as a possibility isn't always
possible
OCD is as smart as you are you and OCD
both equally have the capability
of thinking rationally and critically on
both their sides of defense and you need
to be smarter than it in order to
outsmart it
I'm gonna have to deal with OCD and its
attempts to torture me for the rest of
my damn life
however I've learned how to deal with it
because I've learned how to separate my
character from my thoughts and that is a
lot harder than you can imagine
OCD attacks your deepest and darkest
fears and my deepest and darkest fears
are being a rapist a pedophile or gay
not saying that any of them are even
similar or on the same level of either
of them those are just my fears and it
attacked each and every single one of
them
I developed pocd shortly after hocd when
I saw a kid four years younger than me
who I thought was quite cute
pocd is
pedophilic OCD
the obsessive fear of the possibility of
being a pedophile
now pocd you know when you see I want to
stress actually
when I say the possibility when you have
OCD
anything is a possibility
I could think the Blazer that I'm
wearing is a possibility that I am I
could think that I am the shoes that I'm
wearing right now that's a possibility
because your brain just tells you all
these crazy things
so I just want to get that out of the
way
you know when you see a really cute kid
I don't know the park or the aquarium
and think to yourself oh that kid's
gonna grow up and be really pretty or
cute one day I'm just gonna say it hot
because we all think it we all think it
they even have a phrase for it oh
she's gonna grow up and be a real
Heartbreaker one day
yeah my OCD took that and turned that
into something unconventional and
disturbing very disturbing
now pedophilico city is not something
you can accept
from my experience it's something that'd
be very difficult to come out of okay if
you don't have the pre-existing skills
to separate your character from your
thoughts
I had disgusting thoughts and dreams
about underage kids and I didn't allow
myself to look at children in public for
a period of time
but the way that I got over over this is
because I came to the realization that
I've been down this road before
and I know who I am
and who I am is not a pedophile
so thankfully I got over that one
you might be wondering
sorry I'm getting a little emotional
you might be wondering where my family
was in all of this
and I want to start by saying that my
relationship with my family to this day
is better than it's ever been
I can't express the amount of gratitude
respect and admiration I have for my
family
because
growing up with OCD made things really
hard
I said things to my family that nobody
should ever say
but I said these things because I was
miserable
and they couldn't make me feel any
better
and everyone when they're a kid wants to
feel like their parents have the power
to take all their pain away but they
don't
and I continued to say these things to
them because I knew they were only
people that would let me and still love
me after
especially my mom
and I said horrible things to her
because I needed comfort from her in a
way that she didn't know how to give me
and it's not our fault
even though I treated it like it was her
fault for a really long time
and um I really wish that I could take
the things that I said back
but I can't and I have a choice to
either live the rest of my life
with that guilt
or try to try to become a better person
out of it because we call something like
that a sunk cost in economics
which is where the milk has already been
spilled
the words have already been said
and I can't take that back
but if I'm being honest having to deal
with OCD at such a young age has left me
with this feeling of chronic loneliness
it feels like no matter where I am or
who I'm around I have this urge to prove
myself to the people around me
even if they don't give me any reason or
incentive to do so in the first place
and I think that's because of the
inciting incident that caused my OCD
you see people with OCD they didn't
always have it
it occurs from an inciting incident that
happens from some point in their
lifetime
people with OCD have a genetic
predisposition for it
the OCD just kind of waits for you to
become vulnerable and then it takes over
you
so the incident that triggered my OCD
happened when I was about five years old
and before I showed any symptoms of OCD
I was kind of weird I mean I'm still
weird now but I was also weird back then
my family nicknamed me the love Thief
because I couldn't handle it when
anybody in my family showed affection to
anybody but me if I saw them showing
affection to each other I'd break them
up like a referee
I believe I got upset once the idea of
my parents making love not because I
thought it was gross but because I
thought I was missing out
foreign
so one day I went into my parents
bathroom
while my dad was taking a shower to grab
something random like a cloth or some
bar of soap and I told him
he'd turn around so I don't see your pee
pee
but you know how kids they're not really
good at pronouncing things they kind of
trip on their lip which is my way of
saying they're not they're they kind of
skip their words and they stutter
my God what a horrible situation to skip
words in because my dad thought I said
turn around so I see your pee pee
yeah so my dad lost it
um he started telling me something was
wrong with me screaming at me telling me
I needed to get my mindset checked out
and I don't blame him
I feel like he probably thought I was
going to assault him and I was like the
opposite of I was like a pedophile but
the rules were reversed so basically
every girl my age nowadays
um but I vividly remember not saying
that and it was extremely frustrating
Being Framed for something that I didn't
do especially so young
but I've kind of been you know Hanging
On by a durable thread ever since that
happened that was my inciting incident
as depressing as what I just said sounds
there's a silver lining to it I think
that people really need to go through
those really gut-wrenching hard times in
life and they need to be hurt because no
pain no gain had I never known how
miserable it felt to be lonely and
mentally ill how would I know how great
it feels not to be
and I can tell you for a fact I wouldn't
be standing where I am right now in the
place I am in my life wanting to reach
the sky had I not gone through those
really tough experiences as a kid
so all the people like me out there
that are going through really tough time
that
they won't talk about or can't talk
about
just know that it doesn't end there I am
living evidence
that it doesn't end there
I thought it would many times
I've wanted it to a dozen
but something in me told me that it
wasn't over until I said it was over
I almost got a 23 last semester in one
of my courses because I thought I
withdrew from it but apparently I didn't
send the withdrawal link
it was this was the most important
course in my transfer into business it
was economics and I'm still losing hair
from the amount of stress I went through
during this
my mom told me that I should stay in
arts because it's easier and I kind of
felt like she gave up on me even if it
came from a place of not wanting me to
be stressed
but then again I told myself it's not
over
until I say it's over
so you know after being depressed for a
little bit I got back up on my feet and
I told myself no I'm gonna finish this
course either next semester or next year
and I'm gonna go and I'm going to show
solder the business school I'm trying to
get into what I really got because it
ain't 23 percent
I kid you not the next day
when I went to have an appointment with
one of the advisors for my accessibility
program the accessibility Center
they told me I did submit that
withdrawal link their system just didn't
know my notify my advisor
my only reaction in that situation was
and guess who just aced their econ exam
the other day
thank you
my dad says if it's meant to be it's up
to me and he's right you can't rely on
anybody or the universe or your
horoscopes to get you from point A or to
point B
it's up to you
you probably expect me to give you some
closure to this roller coaster of a talk
but I'm not going to give you that
because I didn't get that and I never
will
I want to end this off with a quote my
economics professor told me
he said Jade
life is what happens when you're busy
making other plans
he told me that while I was walking him
to his car crying about not getting
granted a concession in his class
turns out he stole that quote from John
Lennon
anyways that'll be it for me guys thank
you so much for listening
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