Kevin Hale - How to Work Together

Summary

The speaker draws parallels between long-term relationships in startups and marriages, emphasizing the importance of effective conflict resolution. They discuss John Gottman's research on marital stability, highlighting four behaviors to avoid during disputes: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. To foster healthy relationships, the speaker recommends early division of responsibilities, understanding personal attachment styles, creating documented processes for disagreements, and practicing nonviolent communication. They stress the importance of addressing small issues before they escalate and maintaining open lines of communication to prevent emotional debt from accumulating.

Takeaways

• 🏗️ Founding a startup is akin to building a long-term relationship, like marriage, which requires planning and understanding of potential conflicts.
• 🔮 John Gottman's research indicates that certain patterns in arguments can predict the longevity of a marriage, which can be analogous to co-founder relationships.
• ⏱️ Gottman found that couples who fight about the same issues (money, kids, etc.) and how they handle arguments are more predictive of relationship success than the frequency of fights.
• 🚫 Four 'horsemen' to avoid in conflicts are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, as they can be detrimental to relationships.
• 🤝 Early in a startup, dividing responsibilities among co-founders and defining success and failure criteria can prevent defensiveness and promote accountability.
• 💭 Understanding one's attachment style (secure, anxious, avoidant) is crucial for navigating interpersonal dynamics and resolving differences.
• 📋 Creating a documented process for handling disagreements while emotionally sober can prevent emotional escalation and ensure rational decision-making.
• 🗣️ Nonviolent Communication, as outlined by Marshall Rosenberg, provides a structured way to communicate honestly without causing offense or resentment.
• 🔄 Regularly addressing small issues before they become larger ones, or 'paying down emotional debt,' is vital for maintaining healthy relationships in a startup.
• 🤔 Engaging in 'level three' conversations that deal with relational issues and emotions can help co-founders stay aligned and resolve conflicts effectively.

Q & A

What is the main challenge founders face when building a long-term relationship in a startup?

Founders need to figure out how to optimize for a relationship that lasts for about 10 years, often with someone they might only know for a couple of months or in a work setting.

Who is John Gottman and what is his significant contribution to understanding relationships?

John Gottman is a researcher who studied marriages in Seattle and has been featured in various media. He discovered that by observing a couple's argument for 15 minutes, he could predict with 85% accuracy whether they would divorce within four years.

What does John Gottman's research suggest about the frequency and nature of fights in successful marriages?

Gottman's research indicates that successfully married people do fight, just like everyone else, and they fight about the same things: money, kids, sex, time, jealousy, and in-laws.

What are the four major things to avoid when fighting, according to John Gottman's research?

The four major things to avoid when fighting are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Can you explain the concept of 'criticism' in the context of John Gottman's research?

Criticism in this context refers to the act of bringing unrelated issues into a discussion instead of focusing on the specific issue at hand during a disagreement.

What is 'defensiveness' and how does it affect a relationship?

Defensiveness is when a person refuses to admit there is a problem or refuses to take responsibility for their part in the issue. This can prevent resolution and progress in a relationship.

What is 'stonewalling' and why is it considered dangerous in a relationship?

Stonewalling is when a person avoids engaging in a conversation or discussion, essentially 'walking away' from the issue. It's dangerous because it prevents any resolution or understanding from being reached.

What is the 'divide and conquer' strategy and how can it be applied in a startup?

The 'divide and conquer' strategy involves assigning specific areas of responsibility to different individuals or roles within a startup. This helps to prevent defensiveness and ensures that there is a clear point of responsibility for different issues.

What is an 'attachment style' and why is it important to understand in a co-founder relationship?

An attachment style refers to the way individuals approach relationships, with secure, anxious, and avoidant being the main types. Understanding your co-founder's attachment style can help predict and manage how conflicts and issues will be resolved.

Can you describe the 'nonviolent communication' method and how it can help in giving and receiving feedback?

Nonviolent communication, as described by Marshall Rosenberg, is a method that allows individuals to express themselves honestly without criticizing, insulting, or demeaning others. It involves structuring communication to include observations, feelings, needs, and requests, which can help prevent personal attacks and foster understanding.

What is 'emotional debt' and how does it compare to 'technical debt'?

Emotional debt refers to the unresolved negative feelings or issues that accumulate in relationships. Unlike technical debt, which is related to software development, emotional debt should be addressed regularly to prevent small issues from growing into larger problems.

What are 'level three conversations' and why are they important in a startup environment?

Level three conversations are deep, relational discussions that engage with what is happening between two people in the present. They are important in a startup because they allow for honest feedback, addressing of emotional debt, and maintaining a healthy working relationship.