The anatomy of the narcissistic BOSS
Summary
TLDRDr. Ramen's video explores the dynamics of working with a narcissistic boss, a common yet under-discussed issue. Narcissistic individuals are drawn to leadership positions for the power and control, often proving to be poor leaders due to their lack of responsibility. The video outlines behaviors such as lying, gaslighting, fostering backstabbing cultures, and creating an environment of fear and mistrust. Dr. Ramen emphasizes the importance of documentation in such toxic workplaces and highlights the negative impacts on employee morale, innovation, and career progression. The video serves as a cautionary guide for those dealing with or aiming to avoid such leadership styles.
Takeaways
- 👤 **Narcissistic Leaders' Traits**: Narcissistic bosses often lack integrity, lie frequently, and may promise things they do not intend to fulfill, leading to a toxic work environment.
- 🎯 **Power and Control**: Narcissistic individuals are attracted to leadership positions for the power and control, not necessarily for the responsibility or the betterment of the organization.
- 💔 **Impact on Workplace Culture**: Such bosses can create a culture of fear, mistrust, and backstabbing, where employees feel constantly on edge and demoralized.
- 📜 **Documentation is Key**: Due to the manipulative nature of narcissistic leaders, it's crucial to document interactions and agreements to catch inconsistencies and lies.
- 🎖️ **Grandiose Goals**: Narcissistic bosses set ambitious goals that are more about self-aggrandizement than the success of the organization or team.
- 🤝 **Lack of Team Advancement**: These leaders often do not promote or prepare others for bigger roles, preferring to keep a tight grip on power and control.
- 🚫 **Inhibition of Innovation**: The fear and intimidation in such workplaces can stifle innovation and growth, as employees focus on self-preservation rather than creativity.
- 💔 **Personal Criticism**: Narcissistic leaders often give personal and cruel feedback, which can be demoralizing and counterproductive for personal and professional development.
- 🔄 **Moving Goal Posts**: Promises of opportunities, raises, or resources are frequently made but rarely materialize, with the leader moving the goal posts to keep employees in a state of uncertainty and dependence.
- 🎭 **Charm and Deception**: Initially, narcissistic leaders may charm and deceive new recruits with charisma and false promises, creating a false sense of security and opportunity.
- 🚫 **Career Derailment**: Over time, working under a narcissistic leader can derail careers, leading to long-term disability, burnout, or even departure from the industry.
Q & A
What is the primary focus of the video script?
-The video script focuses on discussing the impact and characteristics of having a narcissistic boss in a workplace setting.
Why do narcissistic people often become bosses?
-Narcissistic people often become bosses because they are attracted to positions of power and control, not necessarily the responsibilities that come with leadership.
What is the first characteristic of a narcissistic boss mentioned in the script?
-The first characteristic mentioned is a lack of integrity, where narcissistic bosses may make promises they don't intend to keep and betray trust.
How does a narcissistic leader's lack of integrity manifest in the workplace?
-A lack of integrity in a narcissistic leader can manifest as broken promises, manipulation, and a disregard for the well-being of others in the organization.
What is the significance of documenting interactions with a narcissistic boss?
-Documenting interactions with a narcissistic boss is important because it provides evidence of their behavior, which can be crucial in case of disputes or when seeking recourse.
Why do narcissistic leaders often lie and gaslight their employees?
-Narcissistic leaders lie and gaslight to maintain control and power, often to cover up their lack of transparency and to manipulate the narrative in their favor.
What is the impact of a narcissistic boss on workplace culture?
-A narcissistic boss can create a toxic and backstabbing work culture, where trust is eroded, and employees live in fear and uncertainty.
How do narcissistic bosses handle feedback to their employees?
-Narcissistic bosses often give personal and cruel feedback instead of constructive criticism, which can demoralize employees and hinder their growth.
What is the long-term effect of working under a narcissistic leader on an employee's career?
-Working under a narcissistic leader can derail and destroy careers, leading to long-term disability, burnout, and even causing some employees to leave their industries entirely.
Why do narcissistic leaders create a culture of mediocrity?
-Narcissistic leaders create a culture of mediocrity because they fear being outshined or having their authority challenged, so they promote yes-people who align with their interests rather than fostering innovation.
What advice does the speaker give to those who are dealing with a narcissistic boss?
-The speaker advises individuals to consider whether they want to continue serving under a narcissistic boss at the cost of their well-being or if they should seek to leave the situation.
Outlines
👨⚕️ Dealing with Narcissistic Bosses
Dr. Ramen introduces the topic of narcissistic bosses, highlighting the commonality and impact of such relationships in the workplace. He emphasizes that narcissistic individuals are often attracted to leadership roles due to the power and control they offer. The video aims to dissect the dynamics of these relationships, particularly focusing on bosses who can cause significant harm due to their position and power. Dr. Ramen acknowledges that not all leaders are narcissistic but points out that narcissists are disproportionately represented in leadership. He also references Jean Litman, Blumen's work on toxic leadership and suggests that her insights will be expanded upon in the video.
🔍 Identifying Narcissistic Leadership Traits
This paragraph delves into the characteristics of narcissistic bosses, starting with a lack of integrity. Dr. Ramen explains that narcissists often make promises they don't intend to keep and may use gaslighting to manipulate situations to their advantage. He also discusses the tendency of narcissistic leaders to lie and create an unsafe work environment. The paragraph further explores how these leaders often have grandiose ambitions that are self-serving rather than beneficial to the organization. Dr. Ramen describes how these leaders foster a culture of backstabbing and favoritism, using underhanded tactics to maintain control and power over their subordinates.
🗣️ The Impact of Narcissistic Leadership on Workplace Culture
The third paragraph examines the negative effects of narcissistic leadership on workplace culture. Dr. Ramen describes how these leaders can create an atmosphere of fear and mistrust, where employees are pitted against each other and innovation is stifled. He talks about the lack of opportunities for growth and advancement under such leaders, as they tend to favor those who enable their behavior rather than those who are truly qualified. The paragraph also touches on the manipulative tactics used by narcissistic leaders, such as 'love bombing' and moving goalposts, which can lead to a culture of mediocrity and a lack of accountability.
⚠️ Consequences of Toxic Leadership and the Need for Change
In the final paragraph, Dr. Ramen discusses the long-term consequences of working under a narcissistic leader, including the potential for career derailment and mental health impacts. He emphasizes that the toll on an individual's well-being may eventually outweigh the benefits of staying in such a position. Dr. Ramen encourages viewers to consider whether enduring the toxic environment is worth the cost to their soul and suggests that it may be time to leave if the situation becomes untenable. He also mentions his upcoming book, which is set to release in February, and invites viewers to pre-order it.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Narcissistic Boss
💡Toxic Work Relationship
💡Integrity
💡Gaslighting
💡Grandiose Goals
💡Backstabbing
💡Toxic Leader
💡Cult Leader Tools
💡Fear and Intimidation
💡Mediocrity
💡Career Derailment
Highlights
Narcissistic individuals often seek leadership positions due to their desire for power and control.
Narcissistic bosses may lack integrity, making and breaking promises without following through.
These leaders can be deceptive, employing gaslighting tactics to manipulate and control their subordinates.
Toxic bosses often have grandiose ambitions that are self-serving rather than beneficial to the organization.
Narcissistic leaders may foster a culture of backstabbing and triangulation, undermining trust within the workplace.
They may use underhanded tactics such as collecting 'collateral' on employees to maintain control over them.
A toxic work environment created by narcissistic leaders can stifle innovation and growth due to fear and intimidation.
Narcissistic leaders may allow or even foster cultures of harassment, violating the rights of employees.
Feedback from narcissistic leaders tends to be personal and cruel, rather than constructive and professional.
These leaders often do not promote others within the organization, maintaining control by keeping others uninformed.
Narcissistic bosses may make false promises of opportunities, raises, or resources that never materialize.
They may use 'love bombing' to recruit or hire individuals, creating a false sense of belonging and family.
Narcissistic leaders can create a culture of mediocrity, discouraging innovation and rewarding only those who align with them.
The stress and mental health impacts of working under a narcissistic leader can lead to long-term disability and burnout.
Narcissistic bosses can derail and destroy careers, with some individuals leaving entire industries due to their experiences.
Despite the negative impacts, narcissistic leaders often receive continued support and second chances from higher authorities.
The decision to stay or leave a toxic work environment under a narcissistic leader should be carefully considered due to the personal toll.
Transcripts
hey everyone it's Dr Ramen here welcome
back to this YouTube channel have any of
you ever had a narcissistic boss raise
your hand mhm that's a lot of hands
let's talk about it we don't talk enough
about what happens when you have a
narcissistic boss I think we all have a
good sense of what happens and for many
of you that narcissistic boss is and has
been at one point in time even if it's
not anymore it was a primary
narcissistic relationship it's not
strange to be a person who had a
perfectly fine
childhood and who was in a perfectly
fine relationship but is in a deeply
toxic work relationship right so that
happens sometimes now we're going to
break this down in different workplace
relationships but in this video we're
going to focus on the bosses because
because they have more power they can
probably do the most harm and this boss
may be someone to whom you directly
report they may be someone several
levels above you they may also be a boss
with whom you rarely interact but who is
indirectly making your life miserable
with the policies and the decisions that
they make now remember narcissistic
people naturally gravitate to leadership
positions they like being the boss they
like being the one with the power and
the control now listen I want to be
clear that's not to say that all people
in leadership are narcissistic that's
not at all true nor does it mean that
people who are drawn to leadership are
narcissistic either some people just
really they believe in something they
won't have that role but narcissistic
people may disproportionately lead into
leadership they want to be the boss
they're often terrible leaders because
being the boss means more responsibility
they don't want the responsibility they
just want the power now there are
different things that make a
narcissistic boss now some of this was
captured by someone named Jean Litman
blumen who wrote about some of these
themes in her book and we will have
links to her book in the video notes for
those of you want to explore it more and
some of what she writes about captures
some of the top notes of what makes a
toxic leader or narcissistic boss right
and I think we can add some things to
her list too so the first thing that she
points out is a lack of Integrity now we
know that Integrity ain't a narcissistic
person strong suit they have none
they claim to have a lot though which in
a way is even worse because they
actually believe that they are honorable
leaders they will make a promise to your
face and then reneg and let's say you
get a little suspicious or have good
instincts and say to that leader hey
great I'm so glad we're in agreement can
we put that in writing that leader will
double down and Gaslight you and say
really you know me better than that do
we need all that nonsense s and the
lawyers and the paper you know I'm good
for it well no they're not they lack all
integrity and by you not getting it in
writing you they will screw you over
they will think nothing of fattening
their bonuses and screwing over people
lower on the hierarchy in the workplace
they will make institutional level
promises and then claim some budget BS
on why they didn't follow through the
lack of Integrity sort of repres
presents a mashup of the narcissistic
leaders natural lack of empathy their
entitlement their callousness they would
sell the family dog if that will get
them what they want now if you think
close your eyes for a minute think about
a toxic boss that you've had you got to
tell me right without exception that
lack of Integrity really stood out to
you and it'll be even more ging because
many a narcissistic leader often leads
on a platform
about what an honorable and ethical
person that they are secondly they
lie and narcissistic leaders lie a lot
so that obviously relates to the lack of
Integrity but it goes deeper they lie
and they gas light a great example of a
toxic leader Gaslight is we all need to
pull together and do more with less to
support the larger vision of our
important work but they're never
transparent about the books and they may
even lie about the numbers they may lie
about policies lie about what they did
lie about what's going on and as a
result people may feel like they're
getting duped out of nowhere and the
workplace just does not feel
safe once again we're back with
documenting right it's for this reason
that documenting the hell out of what
happens in a toxic workplace is so
important especially in real time it's
hard to go go back and remember the
details at a minimum you can document
what they said and then catch them in a
lie but if they're toxic enough it won't
do much toxic leaders will seem to have
big Ambitions and goals that are
grandiose but they aren't about the
larger success of the business or
organization but rather to aize
themselves they'll say the kinds of
things like I'm going to be the CEO who
oversaw more first quarter sales than
any other CEO in this industry it's not
as much about how everyone came together
to make those sales happen it's about
them I'm going to be the one who was the
CEO and it's not just in
business videos that might be up on a
website about the institution whether
it's a university or a hospital or even
a nonprofit will show them as some sort
of Savior in the video short of
everything but a Halo it's here that the
communal narcissistic folks are in their
ground game actually presenting
themselves as the person who will
forever change the world or some such
nonsense all while employee satisfaction
and morale may be really low but that
toxic leader would never noticed that or
would blame those people for their own
misery toxic bosses Foster backstabbing
and triangulated work cultures they play
favorites they reward people for sharing
secrets for Gathering ing gossip and
rewarding the folks who come back with
the dirty Intel toxic and narcissistic
bosses will figure out who they can
silence and will often use what I
typically think of as a cult leader
tools they do things like collect
collateral they figure out an employee
Secrets or they bail that employee out
of a scandal or a tricky position and
hold that over them and forever expect
that person to do their bidding they
basically C cash in on that and really
do have that employee in their thrall
forever narcissistic bosses will turn
people against each other and create a
workplace where ultimately nobody knows
whom they can trust in these workplaces
you may witness employees who do not
make complaints for fear of being in the
boss's crosshairs and that colleagues
who break
rules never face consequences so it gets
very murky very unjust and again very
triangulated narcissistic and toxic
leaders set up a workplace that is kind
of always on edge where the fear of
intimidation is around the next corner
and where most people are
demoralized I'm a Lord of the Rings fan
so I can only liken this to the dark eye
of Sauron remember that on Lord of the
Rings people attempt to avoid the cursed
eye of the toxic boss and will hide and
live in fear of this kind of Boss coming
for them and this kind of workplace can
silence any kind of innovation or growth
because people just want to keep their
heads down and the status Co stable and
keep the leader happy everyone knows in
these kinds of situations it's a matter
of time before they will have to face
the Wrath of the toxic boss or the
people in their Inner Circle and lots of
people people are just sort of trying to
keep it going year over year to make
sure they get their bonus for that year
or don't get
hacked narcissistic leaders allow ow
cultures of harassment and basically
cultures of violating the fundamental
human rights of people who work there
consistently this can mean that people
especially those with less power in a
workplace know that no matter what harm
comes to them that there's no recourse
and any whistleblower in those
situations would be taking a massive
chance I was recently reading a news
story about a woman who had been
harassed for years by a person who was
more senior than her and her
organization she put in numerous
complaints and various people in the
organization just simply doubted her
despite there being a documented history
on the perpetrator past history of
perpetration both in his personal life
and in the workplace the leadership was
so focused on giving this perpetrator a
second chance and it makes you wonder
what the guy at the top of that place
was trying to hide
that this woman had to she that woman
and others in that workplace had to
endure this guy's abuse for years he
kept getting away with it and getting
more and more
emboldened narcissistic leaders don't
know how to give feedback instead of
feedback focused on what you need to
improve or how you were doing the
criticism from a toxic narcissistic
leader tends to be personal and cruel
this can feel awful because not only do
you have no idea what what will lead you
to succeed or improve but you are just
left feeling horrible about yourself and
because of their inappropriate
boundaries it would not be unusual for
them to even share their negative
feedback about you with other
people toxic and narcissistic leaders
also don't sort
of bring up or Advance other people in
the
organization they may have their minions
and their enablers but what they don't
have are people who could step into
important roles narcissistic and toxic
leaders often want a lot of space
between them and the next level down
they are not open with information in a
way that someone else could fully
understand how the organization runs
it's almost like everyone just has a
piece of the story about how the
business or organization runs so it
allows that narcissistic leader leer to
remain squarely in control it may seem
like there are people that that
narcissistic leader favors but make no
mistake even when they do those people
that they favor are simply the people
who do their bidding and they are not
the people who are being prepared for
bigger roles no one is getting prepared
for a bigger role and if there is a
narcissistic leader anyone who is not a
source of Supply who is not the leader's
cheerleader or enabler or flying monkey
will not have access to any
opportunities for growth or advancement
no matter how excellent they
are narcissistic leaders future fake and
move the goal posts back to what we
already said it's because they lack
integrity and they lie and they're
grandiose they don't follow through and
they may keep you on the Chain by a
promise of New Opportunities or other
things that you're hoping for if you're
just patient and gut it out for one more
quarter one more year and they do this
to everyone one work more and then there
might be more raises or bonuses you just
got to work harder with less for a
little while and then there are those
promises of those resources coming or
more staff if you just tough it out but
the promises never materialize and
nothing was ever in writing and you
can't get that year
back narcissistic and toxic leaders also
do things like love bomb basically
especially if they're trying to hire or
recruit you for a position and they'll
tell you nonsense about how it's all of
family and blah blah blah and you may
actually really believe it especially if
it's a company with a good
reputation or in an industry um that's
really hard to break into a high
Prestige industry and the charm and the
Charisma of that narcissistic leader
early on or their accomplishments to
date on paper or Awards they've gotten
at least can leave you thinking for a
time that you're lucky so when you start
seeing those toxic patterns you may
start falling into the maybe it's me
like I mean maybe I'm just not trying
hard enough here or I'm going to prove
this person wrong I'm going to work
harder or you may fall into the shame in
one of these workplaces of feeling
complicit because if you did get into
that toxic Leader's Inner
Circle yeah it might it was heart
survival but there can also be
tremendous self-blame when you realize
the harm this leader is doing and
narcissistic leaders Foster cultures of
mediocrity no matter how hard they ride
everyone nobody wants to take risks
nobody will get credit you learn that
your work will get stolen and if you're
too Innovative well that's going to
threaten the narcissistic Leader's
fragile ego over time the mediocres who
align with the narcissistic leader and
become their yes people are the ones who
are sort of advanced or get more air
time and empty titles or better office
space but because more and more
mediocrities being supported and
advanced what was perhaps once a place
you were proud to work in become sort of
basic and
Hollow narcissistic leaders can derail
and frankly destroy
careers some people may entirely leave
Industries because of it Others May find
that the stress and mental health
impacts meant long-term disability and
burnout others may feel like it is a
replay of Early Childhood Dynamics or a
parallel to what is happening in their
narcissistic relationships at home but
make no mistake these toxic narcissistic
bosses often run rough shod for years
while Boards of directors and trustees
and other leaders who the narcissistic
leader may have managed to charm and
trick or just other stakeholders keep
giving them a free pass a second chance
and embold them emboldening them more
and more and more you're kidding
yourself if you think you can Outlast
the narcissistic leadership at some
point the toll on you will be so great
that the time served is no longer worth
it so you got to ask yourself do I want
to stay in this and keep serving over
pieces of my soul every single year or
do I want to get out if you're lucky you
might be in one of those cases where the
narcissistic boss leaves on your watch
most people aren't that lucky and just
as a reminder my new book comes out in
February you can check it out online and
if you feel so inclined please give it a
pre-order thanks so much
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