The narcissistic pull back

Summary

In this video, Dr. Romney explains the manipulative tactic known as the 'pullback,' often used by narcissists in relationships. This tactic involves the narcissist withdrawing emotionally just as the partner begins to feel connected, triggering feelings of abandonment and confusion. Dr. Romney discusses how this creates a trauma bond, where the partner becomes increasingly compliant to avoid further rejection. She emphasizes the importance of recognizing the pullback, understanding its impact on emotional vulnerabilities, and setting boundaries. Ultimately, the video encourages healing, self-awareness, and breaking free from the toxic cycle to protect emotional well-being.

Takeaways

• 😀 The 'pullback' is a key narcissistic tactic, often used in intimate relationships, but it can also occur in friendships, families, and workplaces.
• 😀 The pullback happens after a period of closeness or 'love bombing,' leaving the person feeling abandoned or rejected, which makes them try harder to win back the narcissist's affection.
• 😀 The narcissist manipulates the other person’s need for validation and fear of abandonment, making them more compliant and yielding each time they return after a pullback.
• 😀 The pullback creates a trauma bond by making the person chase the narcissist, reinforcing unhealthy patterns where the person believes that by giving more, they can prevent further pullbacks.
• 😀 The pullback is an emotional manipulation similar to sales tactics, where a salesperson creates a sense of disinterest to make the customer want them more.
• 😀 Narcissistic parents use the pullback with their children, withdrawing affection when demands are made, training the child to yield and not ask for anything to avoid the parent’s coldness.
• 😀 The pullback is not limited to romantic relationships but also happens in friendships and even in professional environments, where a boss or colleague may withdraw to assert control.
• 😀 The key to breaking the cycle of the pullback is recognizing it for what it is and addressing your own core wounds around abandonment and rejection before entering new relationships.
• 😀 To protect yourself, don’t try to win the narcissist back when they pull away; instead, focus on healing and working through the trauma bonds that keep you attached.
• 😀 If the narcissist pulls back once, give it a margin of error, but after a second pullback, it is crucial to walk away for good to avoid being hoovered back into the cycle.
• 😀 The pullback sets the foundation for trauma bonding, where a person becomes emotionally dependent on the narcissist, thinking that the highs of the relationship justify enduring the emotional lows.

Q & A

What is the 'pullback' in a narcissistic relationship?

The 'pullback' is a manipulation tactic used by narcissistic individuals where they withdraw emotionally or physically after initially being very affectionate or engaged, creating insecurity and confusion in the other person.

Why does the 'pullback' have such a strong effect on the person being targeted?

The 'pullback' triggers feelings of abandonment and rejection, which plays on the person's core wounds and vulnerabilities, especially if they have a deep fear of being abandoned or rejected. This creates a trauma bond and makes the individual more compliant in an attempt to regain the narcissist's attention.

How does the 'pullback' manipulate someone emotionally?

The 'pullback' causes the person to feel uncertain and desperate to regain the affection and attention they initially received, leading them to give in, make sacrifices, or become more compliant in order to prevent further withdrawal.

Is the 'pullback' exclusive to romantic relationships?

No, the 'pullback' can also occur in friendships, toxic family dynamics, and even work environments. In each case, it serves to manipulate the other person into complying with the narcissist's desires or agenda.

What role does the trauma bond play in the 'pullback' maneuver?

The trauma bond is the emotional attachment that forms between the narcissist and their target. The intermittent affection and withdrawal that defines the 'pullback' strengthens this bond, making the victim feel compelled to chase the narcissist's affection, even though the relationship is toxic.

How does the 'pullback' relate to narcissistic parents?

In families with narcissistic parents, the 'pullback' can occur when the parent withdraws emotionally after the child makes a demand or shows independence. This teaches the child to suppress their needs and become compliant to avoid rejection, creating long-lasting emotional patterns.

What can someone do when they experience a 'pullback' in a relationship?

The key is to recognize it as a tactic, not a genuine issue in the relationship. Working on healing abandonment and rejection wounds through therapy is crucial. It’s also important to resist trying to win the narcissist back and instead focus on self-care and emotional independence.

How does the narcissist benefit from using the 'pullback' tactic?

The narcissist benefits by gaining more control over the other person. Each time they pull back and the target yields, they reinforce their power and ability to manipulate, often creating a cycle where the person becomes more compliant and desperate for the narcissist's affection.

What is the risk of staying in a relationship with someone who uses the 'pullback' tactic?

The risk is that it can lead to a deeper trauma bond, where the victim becomes increasingly dependent on the narcissist’s approval and validation, potentially leading to long-term emotional damage and difficulty breaking free from the toxic dynamic.

What should someone do if they encounter a second 'pullback' in a relationship?

If there is a second pullback, it’s essential to walk away and not get hoovered back into the relationship. Continuing to resist the narcissist’s tactics is crucial to breaking the cycle and maintaining emotional autonomy.