Abandoned By My Parents Because Of My Face | Minutes With | UNILAD | @LADbible
Summary
TLDRThe video script tells the deeply personal journey of a man born with Treacher Collins syndrome, a condition that affected his facial features. Abandoned by his birth parents due to his appearance, he was adopted at the age of five by a woman named Gene, who provided love and support. He struggled with societal judgment, self-esteem, and feelings of isolation, leading to a period of excessive drinking and self-destructive thoughts. However, a pivotal romantic relationship with a girl named Beth helped him gain confidence and self-acceptance. Despite heartbreak, he learned to value himself and later sought closure with his birth parents, who chose not to reconnect. The script ends on a positive note, with the man embracing his identity, finding happiness, and building meaningful relationships without the need for surgery to alter his appearance.
Takeaways
- 😢 The speaker was born with Treacher Collins syndrome, a condition that affects facial development, leading to the absence of cheekbones and incomplete ear structures.
- 👶 The speaker's birth parents were horrified by his appearance and left him at the hospital, feeling no maternal bond.
- 🏠 At the age of five, the speaker was adopted by a woman named Gene, who provided love and support, and never avoided difficult conversations about his condition.
- 👀 The speaker experienced bullying and ridicule due to his appearance, which led him to feel different and to try to alter his appearance by pushing his eyes up.
- 💔 The speaker struggled with feelings of loneliness and rejection, believing he would never experience love or form intimate relationships due to his facial differences.
- 🚫 In his teenage years, the speaker developed a hatred for his face and desired surgery not for medical reasons but to have a 'new face'.
- 🍻 The speaker turned to alcohol as a coping mechanism, using it to fit in with friends and entertain them at the expense of his own health.
- 💔 He experienced deep depression and thoughts of wanting to escape life, feeling he didn't belong in a world obsessed with image and looks.
- 😊 A turning point came when a girl named Beth showed interest in him, leading to a relationship that boosted his confidence and self-acceptance.
- 💌 The speaker attempted to reconnect with his birth parents but received a clear rejection, which, although painful, he came to respect and accept.
- 💪 Despite the challenges, the speaker learned to love himself and his face, finding happiness and forming meaningful relationships without the need for surgery or external validation.
Q & A
What condition does the speaker have?
-The speaker has Treacher Collins syndrome, a condition they were born with that affects the development of facial bones and tissues.
What physical features are affected by Treacher Collins syndrome in the speaker?
-The speaker's cheekbones, ears, and jaw are affected by Treacher Collins syndrome. They lack full cheekbones, have incomplete ear structures, and a slightly receded jaw.
How did the speaker's birth parents react to their condition at birth?
-The speaker's birth parents were horrified by the child's appearance, felt no maternal bond, and left the hospital 36 hours later, leaving the child behind.
How old was the speaker when they were adopted?
-The speaker was adopted at the age of five, on May 18, 1990.
What impact did the speaker's adoptive mother have on their life?
-The speaker's adoptive mother, Gene, provided an incredible foundation of love and never avoided difficult conversations about the speaker's face and birth parents, which helped the speaker live a fulfilling life.
How did the speaker initially cope with people's reactions to their appearance?
-The speaker initially tried to make their eyes look like everyone else's by pushing them up in the mirror, hoping it would make them more acceptable to others.
What was the speaker's experience with dating and relationships before Beth?
-The speaker had no real experience with dating or relationships before Beth. They felt they would never be intimate with anyone, have a family, or experience love due to their appearance.
How did Beth change the speaker's perception of themselves?
-Beth's acceptance and admiration of the speaker's face made them feel attractive and confident, transforming their self-perception from feeling ugly to feeling like 'the sexiest guy in the world'.
What was the speaker's relationship with Beth like?
-The speaker and Beth had a healthy relationship for a few months, which was the speaker's first experience of a relationship that didn't rely on external factors for happiness.
How did the speaker attempt to reach out to their birth parents?
-The speaker attempted to reach out to their birth parents through a letter when they were around 24 or 25 years old, expressing a desire to meet and share their life with them.
What was the response from the speaker's birth parents to their attempt to reach out?
-The birth parents responded with a letter stating they did not wish for any further contact and that any attempts would be ignored, which they both signed.
What is the speaker's current outlook on life and their condition?
-The speaker has embraced their face and condition, focusing on self-love and self-discovery. They have found happiness, healthy relationships, and opportunities without the need for surgery or altering their appearance.
Outlines
👶 Struggle with Identity and Acceptance
The speaker begins by describing the physical challenges of living with Treacher Collins syndrome, a condition they were born with that affects facial features such as the eyes, ears, and jaw. They recount their birth parents' abandonment due to their appearance and the emotional impact it had on them. The speaker reflects on their childhood experiences of feeling different and the coping mechanisms they developed, such as pushing their eyes up in the mirror to appear more 'normal.' They also touch upon the social challenges they faced, including ridicule and exclusion, and how these experiences led to feelings of isolation and a desire for drastic change.
💔 Heartbreak and the Power of Love
In this paragraph, the speaker shares their journey towards self-acceptance and love. They describe an encounter with a girl named Beth, who worked at the same bar and became a significant figure in their life. Despite initial insecurities and a fear of rejection, Beth's genuine interest and affection for the speaker helped them to see themselves in a new light. The relationship, although short-lived, had a profound impact on the speaker's self-esteem and self-perception. It marked the first time they experienced a healthy relationship that didn't rely on external validation. The speaker also discusses the pain of heartbreak when Beth decided to leave for personal reasons but acknowledges the growth and self-discovery that came from the experience.
🤝 Searching for Roots and Embracing Self
The final paragraph delves into the speaker's quest to connect with their birth parents and the emotional turmoil that followed. After reaching out and receiving a clear rejection, the speaker experiences a renewed sense of self-worth and acceptance. They express gratitude for the life they were given and a newfound happiness in their identity. The speaker also discusses the evolution of their perspective on their facial features, moving from a desire for surgery to a celebration of their unique appearance. They highlight the importance of self-love and the positive changes that have come from embracing who they are, including deeper relationships and personal growth.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Treacher Collins
💡Adoption
💡Self-Image
💡Discrimination
💡Self-Worth
💡Identity
💡Acceptance
💡Self-Love
💡Resilience
💡Self-Discovery
💡Rejection
Highlights
Individual with Treacher Collins syndrome reflects on their life and experiences.
Born without cheekbones, which affects the appearance of the eyes.
Incomplete ear development, referred to as 'bath sim' ears.
Treacher Collins also impacts the jaw, causing a receded appearance.
Birth parents abandoned the child due to the syndrome, feeling no maternal bond.
Adopted at the age of five by a woman named Gene, who provided love and support.
Experiences of public ridicule and bullying due to facial differences.
Struggles with self-esteem and feelings of unattractiveness due to societal pressures.
Desire for surgery not for improvement but to have a 'new face'.
Alcohol abuse as a coping mechanism during teenage years.
Low self-worth leading to thoughts of not belonging in the world.
First job in a bar and the initial challenges of social interaction.
Meeting Beth, who becomes a significant person in boosting self-confidence.
Beth's acceptance and affection, leading to a shift in self-perception.
End of the relationship with Beth, but gaining a sense of self-worth.
Attempt to contact birth parents and their firm rejection.
Coming to terms with the birth parents' decision and finding gratitude.
Realization that facial differences do not prevent finding work, friendships, or love.
Embracing one's face and rejecting the idea of surgery in the 30s.
Acknowledging the strength of love and relationships despite physical challenges.
Transcripts
the kid would always pull their eyes
down
and and that's something that i often
thought about
and as i pushed my eyes up in the mirror
you know i thought
that was the answer to everything
[Music]
my condition is treacher collins was
something that i was born with
i wasn't born with any cheekbones so
that's why
my eyes appear the way they do
and i wasn't born with all the parts of
my ear so i've got the
i call them my little bath sims and ears
it's also affected my jaw
so my jaw's a little receded
and and and that's about it really for
treacher collins
when i was born my birth parents decided
that they needed to go their way
and i needed to go my way my adoption
report
says that jonathan lancaster was born on
the 31st of the 10th
1984 both parents were horrified by the
child's appearance
both parents felt no maternal bond and
both parents left the hospital 36 hours
later
leaving the child behind and
and and those words you know it's
something that's
this was obviously stuck with me and
um you know when i had yeah angrier
periods in my life but you know i
focused on those words a lot
and and they cut deep at the age of five
on the 18th of may 1990 um i was
adopted by an incredible woman um
called gene she never shied away from a
conversation
even the difficult ones about my face
and my birth parents
and yeah she she just gave me this
incredible foundation this incredible
love for me to
live i was totally unaware how cruel
people could be
i started noticing people groups of
people
you know one would see me and they would
second look me
and then they would nudge their friends
the people that they
were with they would point they all
would look
some would laugh some would just stare
the kid would always pull their eyes
down and that's something that
i often thought about and so i started
to look in the mirror
as a child and i always used to push my
eyes up
and to try and make it look like
everybody else's
and as i pushed my eyes up in the mirror
you know i thought
that was the answer to everything girls
would ask me out as a dare or as a joke
um and and i never really exp i never
experienced
any sort any form of dating any
sort of relationship that
snowballed into thoughts of i'm never
going to be intimate with anybody i'm
never
going to have a family i'm never going
to experience love
because i look like this if i had a face
like yours if i had eyes like yours
i'd be happy by the time i was a
teenager i hated my face
and i didn't want a surgery to improve
my face
i wanted the surgery to have a new face
we live in a world obsessed with image
and obsessed with looks
and for somebody growing up with
treacher collins somebody growing up
with a facial difference
i felt like i i didn't fit in and
i had to go above and beyond
to make friendships and then 16
17 18 and i discovered alcohol
so me and my friends would drink and i
would drink excessively and again
just do anything to entertain them
always at the expense of
my own well-being my own health and at
that point in my life
i had no goals no ambition very much
hiding away at home
i started to think that i didn't belong
in this world
and when i had those thoughts
i never thought about i'm going to take
my own life
but i wanted to be in an i wanted to be
in a car accident
and i wanted to as horrible as it sound
i wanted an illness
and to take me out of this life and even
saying that
um you know i kind of feel guilty i did
have incredible friends
um and one of my friends got me a job
working in a bar
my first night at work it must have
lasted an hour and i
heard everybody talking i heard
everybody laughing and instead of
serving people
and i started to hide away got a taxi
and went home
my friend pushed it and made me go back
and i did and then
a girl called beth started working in
the bar
and i
i got butterflies every time i saw beth
and she loved morrissey
radiohead and she was skinny jeans and a
beret
a big red plastic heart and she did
art and dance and i just thought she was
the coolest person
ever to walk the earth and i properly
fancied
the pants off beth one night she came up
to me and she's like
jenna do you fancy going out for a drink
sometime
and such casually is like yeah if we're
all going out for a drink you should
join us
and she was like nerd just just me and
you
and and in that moment i proper wanted
to play it cool
but i was like so gideon and so excited
i was like oh yeah i'm
i'm free tomorrow in fact i'm free
tuesday wednesday thursday friday
sunday and when do you want to make this
happen
and she was just like let's hang out
tomorrow
every thought which is running through
my head
you know does she want to ask one of my
friends out
am i'm either way in um you know is it
just a friendship thing
is she even going to turn up
why why what i questioned her motives
but she did she turned up and it was
great i was like
this is the best day ever and then all
of a sudden
beth went quiet and she puts down a
glass of wine and she's
she started to get uncomfortable and
when people get uncomfortable
with their words around me i know that
they're going to ask me something about
my face
or my appearance straight away i'm
thinking oh
this isn't a date this isn't cool
this isn't sexy i've got this wrong
and so i'm thinking it's my time to go
it's it's my time to leave and beth's
just
looking at me and she sees me looking at
the floor and she's trying to get eye
contact with me
and she's like jono i find myself
staring at you
all the time and again
i hate being stared at and i and and i
found that quite insulting
in that moment and she's like i find
myself staring at you all the time
and she leans in and she kisses me and
she comes back and she's like i just
love your face in it and and she was
just so casual about it
but and we've often spoken about that
moment since
but to me that moment as casual as it
was for her
i went from feeling ugly to thinking i'm
like the sexiest guy in the world
i'm like david beckham brad pitt
all rolled into one this this was huge
for me
we were in a relationship for a few
months i had a confidence i had a
swagger about myself
and then beth was always full of dreams
and full of goals
and she was like no i i can't do this
anymore i want to go traveling around
europe
and i was like oh right and
it crushed me and then but as
heartbroken as i was
i just had this admiration that was
somebody was
able to just say this is what i want to
do for me
it was my first healthy
relationship i didn't need sex to make
me happy i didn't need alcohol to make
me happy
i didn't need a filter on my phone to
make me happy i didn't need to
push my eyes up to make me happy i
it was really looking at who i was as a
whole
and discovering things that i loved
about
your myself parents did you ever try and
make contact with them again
i always wanted to ask them questions i
always wanted to know
why um there were so many things i
wanted to say and share with them
and and then in my darkest days i wanted
to hurt them as much as i was hurting
too
um so when i'm 24 25
i'd reached the point where i wanted to
reach out to my birth parents
i want to let them know that they're
okay and if they're open to meet me then
that would be incredible and so we
shared that with them
through through a letter
a week or so later we got a letter back
um very clear regarding this subject
we do not wish any contacts further
attempts will be ignored
they both signed it and that was it
and you know i
i cried and i felt rejected all over
again
um but again thinking about my birth
parents
you know it's they made that decision
all them years ago and they've decided
to stick by that
they've done what they felt was best for
them and i respect that
and at the end of the day i will always
come back to
those two human beings gave me life
and for that i am forever grateful every
milestone
that i have in life i i tend to to think
about them
but i guess the ultimate thing i want to
share with my birth parents
is that i am happy and i'm okay and
i'm healthy and
i i hope you are too and what's the
future for you
i used to think that my face would
prevent me from finding work
would prevent me from finding
friendships and love
but it's not about my face
that wouldn't prevent me from finding
any of those things
i'm learning more things that i love
about myself
and as i've done that
i've more opportunities have opened and
presented themselves to me
i've discovered more relationships
friendships i've made truer
deeper connections and then now in my
30s
we don't have any conversations about
surgeries on my face because
i love my face and i don't want to
change it
at all
i mean we've decided that even though
there are some difficulties like that
that our love is stronger than that
and yeah we decided that
you know we just didn't want to not be
together
yeah yeah
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