The Freedom of Forgiveness | Kenneth Goodrum | TEDxDayton
Summary
TLDRThe speaker shares a deeply personal story about growing up with an absent father and the emotional impact it had on him. Despite his mother raising him and his brother, the absence of a father figure left a void. As an adult, the speaker confronts his father, seeking closure, but instead receives a half-hearted apology. Years later, after his father's death, the speaker realizes the importance of forgiveness and how holding onto resentment only adds weight to one's life. He encourages others to embrace forgiveness to release emotional burdens and find peace.
Takeaways
- đšâđŠ The speaker grew up with a single mother, with his father being mostly absent from his life.
- đȘ As the oldest of two children, he felt a responsibility to protect his family, despite not having created it himself.
- đ Not having a consistent male role model, especially his father, impacted him mentally and emotionally.
- đïž A memorable childhood experience was witnessing a violent argument between his father and a woman during a visit.
- đ His father missed many major milestones in his life, including birthdays, football games, and even his high school graduation.
- đĄ During an adult confrontation with his father, the speaker was hurt by a perceived inadequate apology from his father for his absence.
- đ¶ The father expressed a desire to build a relationship with his grandsons, but the speaker rejected it out of fear his father would repeat past mistakes.
- đ The speaker's father passed away from a heart attack, leaving the speaker with unresolved emotions of anger and sadness.
- đĄ Over time, the speaker learned the importance of forgiveness and letting go of resentment, which brought him peace.
- đ§ He now uses his experience to mentor others, teaching the value of forgiveness and how holding onto resentment can weigh one down emotionally.
Q & A
What was the speaker's family dynamic growing up?
-The speaker grew up with a single mother, as his father was not consistently present in his life. He was the oldest of two children and took on the responsibility of protecting the family.
How did the speaker feel about his father's absence during childhood?
-The speaker felt the absence of his father deeply, both mentally and emotionally. He struggled with the lack of motivation and support that he would have expected from a consistent male role model.
What significant memory does the speaker recall from visiting his father as a child?
-The speaker vividly remembers waking up to a woman and man arguing, hearing someone being thrown against a wall, and later seeing a woman running down the hallway with no clothes on while his father chased her. This experience left a lasting impression on him.
How did the speaker's relationship with his father impact his own approach to fatherhood?
-The speaker vowed to be nothing like his father when he became a father himself. He wanted to be present for his children in ways his own father had not been for him.
What was the speaker's reaction when he decided to visit his father as an adult?
-The speaker decided to visit his father with a mixture of motivations: to show him that he had made it without him, but also to express how much he had missed and needed him. His wife was excited, but unaware that his father lived only 20 minutes away in the same city.
What happened during the conversation between the speaker and his father on the porch?
-The speaker's father admitted he had messed up and gave the speaker 30 minutes to say what he needed to. However, the conversation quickly escalated when the speaker expressed his anger about his father's absence during important life events.
How did the speaker feel after his father passed away?
-The speaker initially felt confused and emotional, but not angry. Despite his unresolved feelings toward his father, when he attended the funeral, he felt sadness rather than the anger he had expected. He saw his father, not a stranger, in the coffin.
What realization did the speaker come to about forgiveness after his father's death?
-The speaker realized that forgiveness is a powerful tool that could have helped him heal. He regretted holding onto resentment instead of finding peace through forgiveness during his father's lifetime.
What lesson does the speaker now share with others about forgiveness?
-The speaker emphasizes that holding onto resentment keeps a person attached to their pain and negativity. He encourages others to forgive, let go, and release the burden in order to move forward in life more freely.
What metaphor does the speaker use to illustrate the power of forgiveness?
-The speaker uses a metaphor of holding a piece of paper in his hand to represent an unresolved issue. When you forgive, you release the paper, symbolizing the release of resentment and the freedom that comes with forgiveness.
Outlines
đšâđŠ Reflections on a Father-Son Relationship
The narrator begins by showing a picture of himself with his father and sharing the challenges of growing up without his father present consistently. He describes the impact this had on him, as the eldest of two children, taking on the responsibility of protecting a family he didnât create. Despite his mother's efforts in raising him and his brother, the absence of his father took a toll on him emotionally and mentally. He recalls a vivid memory from his childhood where he witnessed a disturbing event involving his father. Later, as an adult and a father, he chose to be different from his dad. One day, motivated by a desire to reconnect, he visited his father. However, the conversation turned tense as his father's attempt at an apology felt insincere and insufficient to him. This confrontation highlighted the hurt and resentment he had been holding on to for many years.
đ A Missed Opportunity for Forgiveness
The narrator recounts one of his last conversations with his father, which ended on a painful note. Two years later, he learned of his father's passing due to heart complications. When he attended the funeral, he realized he no longer saw his father as a stranger but as his dad, and he felt regret over how things had ended. He struggled with the memory of their last conversation, recognizing that he had missed the opportunity to forgive. Over time, he came to understand the power of forgiveness, which brought him peace. He now uses his story to mentor others, emphasizing the importance of forgiveness to let go of resentment and move forward. He concludes with a powerful metaphor to illustrate how holding onto resentment keeps people tied to the past, while forgiveness allows for release and growth. He encourages others to choose life by choosing to forgive.
Mindmap
Keywords
đĄForgiveness
đĄResentment
đĄFatherhood
đĄAbsent Father
đĄRegret
đĄApology
đĄTupac Shakur
đĄUnresolved Issues
đĄSingle Mother
đĄMale Role Model
Highlights
Growing up with a single mother meant my father was not in my life consistently.
Being the oldest, I took on the responsibility of protecting a family I didnât create.
Not having a consistent male role model affected me mentally and emotionally.
A vivid memory was waking up to a fight between my father and a woman, witnessing a disturbing scene.
Seeing no pictures of myself in my father's house and finding drug paraphernalia left a strong impact.
I vowed to be a different father to my own children, learning from my dad's absence.
Years later, I visited my father, motivated to show him how I made it without him.
My father asked me to step outside, admitting, 'I know I messed up,' giving me 30 minutes to speak my mind.
Our conversation escalated when he expressed a desire to know his grandsons.
I left that day feeling unresolved, and it was the last conversation I had with my father.
Two years later, I learned my father had passed away from years of hard drug use and heart failure.
At his funeral, I realized I wasnât angry anymore; I was simply sad seeing my father in that coffin.
I struggled for years, understanding that in his way, he did try to apologize, but I held onto resentment.
I realized forgiveness meant releasing resentment and finding peace within myself.
My journey taught me that unresolved issues often tie back to a lack of forgiveness.
Transcripts
what a nice picture that's me and my dad
let me tell you a story about that young
boy and his father you see I grew up
with a single mother which for me
unfortunately meant that my father was
not in my life
consistently now being the oldest of two
children that he fathered I took on the
responsibility of protecting my family a
family that I didn't even create now not
how did my father there affected me in
negative ways because I needed that
motivation that support from a
consistent male role model
now although my mother did an excellent
job of raising two sons by herself not
having him there took a toll on me
mentally and emotionally because I
couldn't understand how a man who
brought me here on this earth he himself
wasn't there for me now there was this
one summer when I was about 10 years old
that I went to go see my dad and what
was most memorable is waking up to the
screams of a woman and a man arguing
followed by a third of a body being
thrown against the wall being curious me
and my brother looked around to see that
woman running down the hallway with no
clothes on and my father chasing that
now imagine if you will going into your
parents house and not seeing any
pictures of yourself on the wall or on a
mantel in my case Tupac Shakur was on
the mantle
you know when you were young used to go
exploring your parents room
well in my dad's room you can see
leftover drugs and drug paraphernalia
now let's fast forward a few years I'm
an adult and I'm a father of my own and
when I entered into fatherhood I said to
myself I'm not gonna be anything like my
dad now in my adult years I would go see
my father from time to time but when I
went it was with this motivation I'm
about to show you how I made it without
you but also to show you how much I
missed and loved you and needed you now
one day I was sitting at home with my
wife and I said you know what I think I
want to go see my dad so she was excited
because she knew that the relationship
and like their uh how it affected me
throughout the years so she said okay
when are we going to go I said now she
was confused little did she know because
I never told her that the city that
we've stayed in for the past year that
not only did he live in the same city
but he was 20 minutes away so we went
and as we got off the car my father's
eyes lit up as we got out and saw my
family and saw my wife so once we got
inside after a few minutes he said you
know what come out on the porch we need
to talk to you okay as we stood out
there and exchange pleasantries for a
minute he looked at his watch and he
said all right you got 30 minutes to say
what you need to say to me I know I'm
messed up I looked at him I was confused
I said well I said to myself was this an
apology
after the years of no calls and no shows
this was an apology
miss birthdays and football games you
really this really is an apology you
didn't come to my high school graduation
and you missed every major milestone in
my life and this is your presentation of
an apology needless to say that
conversation escalated I looked at
myself well after all these years why
not he said because I want to get to
know my grandsons
and be in their life and I say it so you
can do to them what you did to me and
not be there not ain't gonna happen my
words hurt because he felt back and he
said why would you say that I'm an
excellent grandfather to my other
grandkids but by that time I didn't hear
blocked everything out I went into the
house I looked at my wife I said you
know what it's time to go let's go we
left that was one of the last
conversations I have with my father you
see two years later I was sitting at my
job I have moved away now sitting and I
received a phone call from an associate
who said my father had passed away you
see the years of hard drugs
and congestive heart failure he end up
having a heart attack and sitting at my
desk I was confused and I had all these
emotions in me and just the tears to
stream down my face Tupac Shakur who's
absolutely my favorite artist
said his song dear mama as he chronicled
his life without having his father said
it ain't nobody tell us it was fair no
love for my daddy because the coward
wasn't there he passed away and I didn't
cry because my anger wouldn't let me
feel for a stranger but when I showed up
today at that funeral I wasn't angry I
was sad as I looked into that coffin I
didn't see a stranger I saw my dad so
years after that I struggled with that
moment on the porch because in his way
he apologized and I had a powerful - I
could have used but I did and it was
forgiveness the word forgive means to
cease the field or resentment from an
offender and on that day I held on to
resentment I held on for the years of
her now I can't tell you when I had this
great epiphany about when to truly
forgive but when I finally did it made
peace with that it changed my life
forever and I would take that story
about me and my dad as I mentor and not
talk to students and what I found out
there is a direct correlation between
unresolved issues and the lack of
forgiveness I want to do a demonstration
for you my left hand represents the
person in your life in this case it was
my dad this paper represents the issue
no matter what that issue is and my
right represents me or you so long as
you hold resentment to a person you are
always going to be attached with that
weight in that burden to that person in
a negative way but when you learn how to
forgive and to release that resentment
and let go
it falls away and you're able to
navigate in a much different way
singer/songwriter India I read in her
song get it together
says the choice is yours no matter what
it is to choose life is to choose to
forgive take a moment and think about
someone in your life that you need to
have a conversation with and forgive
find it in your heart to release that
resentment and to release that weight in
that burden choose life choose to
forgive thank you
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