Unmasking masculinity -- helping boys become connected men | Ryan McKelley | TEDxUWLaCrosse

Summary

The speaker discusses the importance of emotional connection, particularly for men and boys, highlighting how societal norms often suppress their emotional expression. He uses historical examples and personal stories to illustrate the negative impacts of masking emotions and argues for the redefinition of masculinity to include vulnerability and openness. The talk concludes with a call to action for individuals to embrace vulnerability and courage in their daily lives to foster deeper connections.

Takeaways

• 😐 **Emotional Masking**: Men are often socialized to mask their emotions, leading to a disconnection with their own feelings and others.
• 👥 **Importance of Connection**: The presenter emphasizes the significance of social connectedness for mental and physical health.
• 👶 **Early Emotional Development**: Infant boys are naturally expressive, but societal norms often suppress this as they grow older.
• 🚹 **Gendered Emotional Expression**: Cultural norms dictate that men should primarily express anger, contempt, and pride, while women are allowed a wider range of emotions.
• 🧠 **Emotional Awareness**: Suppressing emotions can lead to a decreased ability to detect and respond to emotional cues in oneself and others.
• 🌐 **Social Isolation and Health**: Social isolation is a significant risk factor for cardiovascular disease, highlighting the importance of social connection.
• 🔄 **Turning Points**: Personal and professional turning points can lead to a shift in perspective and approach to emotional expression and connection.
• 👨‍⚕️ **Therapeutic Journey**: The presenter shares a client's journey from emotional suppression to expression, illustrating the benefits of vulnerability.
• 👨‍👧 **Personal Reflection**: The presenter reflects on personal experiences with emotional expression and the missed opportunities for connection.
• 🌟 **Cultural Shift**: Small changes in behavior and attitude can lead to a broader cultural shift towards accepting emotional vulnerability in men.
• 💪 **Call to Action**: The presenter encourages the audience to take small risks to be more vulnerable and emotionally open to foster deeper connections.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the talk?

The main theme of the talk is the exploration of connections between masculinity and social connectedness, and how societal norms affect men's emotional expression.

Why does the speaker mention the historical experiment involving infants conducted by Holy Roman Emperor Frederick II?

The speaker mentions the experiment to illustrate the importance of social connection for survival and healthy development, as the infants who were denied social interaction died within weeks.

What does the speaker suggest about the emotional expressiveness of infant boys compared to infant girls?

The speaker suggests that infant boys are actually more expressive in both range and intensity than infant girls.

What changes occur in boys' emotional expression as they age?

As boys age, particularly around the age of six, their emotional expression starts to diverge from girls, and they become more restricted in their emotional display.

What is the 'male emotional funnel system' referred to in the script?

The 'male emotional funnel system' is a concept suggesting that men are socialized to suppress a wide range of vulnerable emotions and express primarily anger and aggression.

What role does the speaker believe emotional suppression plays in men's social connections?

The speaker believes that emotional suppression impairs men's ability to connect with their own emotional states and with others, leading to less compassion and joy in their lives.

What is the professional turning point the speaker shares about his work with a male client?

The professional turning point is when the speaker realizes the importance of helping men connect with their emotions after witnessing a client break down after 25 years of not crying.

What personal experience does the speaker recount to highlight the challenges of emotional vulnerability for men?

The speaker recounts a personal experience where he almost hid his tears from his daughter, reflecting on the missed opportunity to model emotional vulnerability for her.

What two simple tips does the speaker suggest to help men become more emotionally open?

The speaker suggests eliminating phrases that enforce gendered emotional norms and redefining what it means to be courageous by embracing vulnerability.

What is the speaker's final message to the audience?

The speaker's final message is to encourage the audience to be courageous, be vulnerable, and take small risks to make deeper connections in their lives.

How does the speaker use the anecdote about the boys trick-or-treating to illustrate his point?

The speaker uses the anecdote to show that boys can naturally express care and concern for each other, challenging the stereotype that men must suppress emotions to be strong.

Outlines

00:00

😔 The Mask of Masculinity

The speaker begins by emphasizing the recurring theme of connection at the event and proceeds to discuss the intersection of masculinity and social connectedness. They acknowledge the challenge of discussing men's issues, pointing out the need to hold two truths: the reality of men's violence and the majority of men being non-violent, decent individuals. The speaker introduces a historical anecdote about the Holy Roman Emperor Frederick II's experiment with infants, highlighting the importance of social connection for survival and development. The narrative then shifts to the present, discussing how societal norms encourage men to mask their emotions, leading to a disconnection with their own feelings and others', which can have serious implications for mental and physical health.

05:02

🚹 Boys Don't Cry? Rethinking Emotional Expression

The speaker challenges stereotypes about male emotionality, citing research that shows infant boys are more expressive than girls. They discuss how societal expectations change as boys grow older, leading to a divergence in emotional expression between genders. A study is mentioned that lists culturally acceptable emotions for men and women in the U.S., suggesting that men are allowed to express anger, contempt, and pride, while women have a broader range of acceptable emotions. The speaker argues that despite external differences, men and women have similar internal emotional responses, but societal pressures lead men to suppress a wide range of emotions, which can affect their ability to connect with others.

10:02

😢 The Emotional Funnel: From Vulnerability to Anger

The speaker introduces the concept of the 'male emotional funnel,' explaining how boys are socialized to suppress vulnerable emotions and express anger instead. They share a personal story of a male client with a history of violence who was resistant to expressing vulnerability. Through therapy, the client eventually broke down and cried for the first time in 25 years, illustrating the transformative power of emotional expression. The speaker reflects on his own emotional suppression and a missed opportunity to model vulnerability for his daughter, emphasizing the importance of recognizing and challenging societal norms around men's emotional expression.

15:02

💪 Courage to be Vulnerable: Encouraging Emotional Authenticity

The speaker concludes by advocating for social change, encouraging individuals to make small changes in their lives to embrace vulnerability and authenticity. He suggests eliminating gendered phrases that enforce emotional suppression and redefining courage to include emotional openness. The speaker shares an anecdote of boys showing care and concern for each other, challenging his own expectations of how boys should behave. He encourages the audience to be courageous, vulnerable, and to take small risks to form deeper connections, arguing that this can lead to a cultural shift towards accepting and valuing emotional authenticity in men.

Keywords

💡Turning Points

Turning points refer to significant moments or events that cause a change in direction or development. In the context of the video, turning points are used to frame the discussion around pivotal experiences that influence masculinity and social connectedness. The script mentions how presenters were asked to discuss turning points, indicating a focus on transformative moments in personal and societal narratives.

💡Connection

Connection, in the video, is used to describe the bonds and relationships that people form with each other, technology, or even their own bodies. The speaker emphasizes the importance of social connection for mental and physical health, contrasting it with isolation. It is highlighted as a central theme where the presenter discusses how men are often socialized to disconnect from their emotions.

💡Masculinity

Masculinity refers to the qualities or attributes typically associated with men. The video script discusses the challenges of discussing men's issues and how societal norms around masculinity can lead to the masking of emotions. It is a key concept as the presenter explores the impact of these norms on men's emotional health and social relationships.

💡Emotional Masking

Emotional masking is the act of hiding one's true emotions. The script uses the concept to illustrate how men are often taught to suppress certain emotions, like vulnerability or sadness, and instead express anger or remain silent. This masking is portrayed as a barrier to authentic connection and emotional health.

💡Empirical Question

An empirical question is one that can be answered through observation and experimentation. The video references an historical experiment by the Holy Roman Emperor Frederick II to determine the 'natural language of God' by observing infants without language exposure. This example is used to highlight the importance of social interaction and connection from an early age.

💡Failure to Thrive

Failure to thrive is a condition in children where they do not grow or develop properly, often due to a lack of emotional or physical care. The script mentions this in relation to the historical experiment, emphasizing that connection and social interaction are crucial for survival and development.

💡Social Isolation

Social isolation refers to the state of being separated from others and lacking social interaction. The video discusses how social isolation is a significant risk factor for cardiovascular disease, highlighting the profound impact of social connection on physical health.

💡Emotional Expression

Emotional expression is the act of conveying one's emotions outwardly. The script contrasts the emotional expressiveness of infant boys with societal expectations that lead to the suppression of certain emotions in men, leading to a narrower range of accepted emotional expression as they age.

💡Male Emotional Funnel

The Male Emotional Funnel is a concept introduced in the video to describe how men's emotional experiences are often channeled or 'funneled' into a limited range of socially acceptable emotions, such as anger. It illustrates the process by which men are conditioned to suppress vulnerable emotions and replace them with anger or aggression.

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability is the state of being open to attack or damage, but in the context of the video, it also refers to the willingness to show one's true feelings and emotions. The presenter argues that vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness, and that embracing it can lead to deeper connections and improved emotional health.

💡Courage

Courage, in the video, is redefined beyond the conventional understanding of bravery in the face of danger. Instead, it is presented as the courage to be emotionally open and vulnerable, which the presenter suggests is a more significant and challenging form of courage in the context of modern masculinity.

Highlights

The importance of connection in human life is a recurring theme among presenters.

Men's issues are often challenging to discuss due to the need to balance competing truths.

Men are more often perpetrators of physical violence, but most are not violent and strive to be decent.

The tendency to focus on extremes leads to a misunderstanding of the typical behavior of men.

Christian Hopkins' photography project documents his struggle with depression as a form of therapy.

Boys are socialized to mask their emotions, which can lead to negative health outcomes.

The historical experiment by Holy Roman Emperor Frederick II highlights the importance of social connection.

Social connection is crucial for health, reducing health complications and improving development.

Twin pygmy marmosets demonstrate attachment and caregiving behaviors in the animal kingdom.

Social isolation is a significant risk factor for cardiovascular disease, similar to smoking.

Boys are more expressive than girls in infancy, but social norms suppress this as they age.

Cultural norms dictate which emotions are acceptable for men and women to display.

Biological measures show that men and women experience emotions similarly, despite social expectations.

The 'male emotional funnel' concept suggests men are taught to narrow their emotional range.

Suppressing emotions can lead to a lack of connection with oneself and others.

A personal story illustrates the challenge of embracing vulnerability in men.

The presenter shares a turning point in his professional life involving a male client's emotional breakthrough.

The presenter's personal experience of差点错过向女儿展示脆弱性的机会。

The need for social changes that allow men to express emotions without judgment.

Two simple tips are offered to help men embrace vulnerability and emotional expression.

An anecdote about young boys demonstrating care and concern for each other challenges stereotypes.

The presenter concludes with a call to action to be courageous and vulnerable for deeper connections.

Transcripts

you

I find it remarkable that we were all

asked as presenters to come here and

talk about turning points and if you

were paying attention you'll notice that

almost every single one talked in some

way about connection whether that was

connecting through others through

disconnecting with technology or

connecting at the dinner table or even

connecting with their own bodies so I'm

going to continue that discussion today

and talk about connections between

masculinity and social connectedness

I've been doing this long enough to

realize that talking about men's issues

can be a challenge right oftentimes we

talk about things that men do we have to

be able to hold two competing truths in

our head at the same time so well it

might be true that men are more often

perpetrate acts of physical violence

it's also true that most boys and men

are not physically violent in fact most

of us are trying to get through life as

good decent human beings but the problem

is we tend to focus on the extremes we

miss what's going on in between I came

across this image the other day I think

it there's no there's no better one out

there to talk about masking emotions

this individuals name is Christian

Hopkins he just released a conceptual

photography project on Flickr the

documents his struggles with depression

and found this far more therapeutic than

seeing any therapist alright so today

I'm going to talk about how we socialize

boys and men to mask their emotions now

ten years ago I made a career change to

get into this field I never would have

predicted that I'd be up here talking

about men and masculinity and that's

what I'd be teaching right in fact when

I start my clinical work there weren't a

lot of men in my program and I remember

actively resisting being the man

therapists right that everybody referred

their male clients to but we're talking

about turning points so today I want to

share historical professional and

personal ones that have led me to this

point so I want to begin with a little

known historical turning point that

happened about 800 years ago in 13th

century Europe now at that time the holy

roman emperor frederick ii of germany i

was in power it was known to be

uncharacteristically scientifically

minded for a pope during the Middle Ages

he was curious about what the natural

language of God would be as we wondered

if we didn't speak to infants they

didn't hear adult language what would

just emerge

actually and really this is an empirical

question you can put this to a test and

back at that time he thought you being

what he was he thought it might be

Hebrew as the first language or could be

Latin or Greek I suspect there were

European kings elsewhere who might beg

to differ right but at that time in

history it was not uncommon for women to

die during childbirth and so these

infants would be raising these large

orphanages by wet nurses so he devised a

simple experiment took about 20 infants

and these are the instructions all they

were to be was to have their basic needs

met fed clothed diapers changed under no

circumstances where the caregivers

allowed to interact with them talk with

them cuddle play do all the things that

we expect with infants the experiment

was a dismal failure by accounts written

by a monk at the time all of them are

dead within several weeks now you and I

might know this is failure to thrive in

modern day we know the importance of

connection so much so even neonatal

intensive care units have changed their

practices from 50 years ago right now

the encourage contact between the parent

and the sensitive children because it

reduces health complications and

decreases time spent in hospital and

improves development across the board

alright so we learned from that story

about the richness important of social

connection and after that I have to show

you this picture right so you feel good

you know speaking about emotional

attachment these are twin pygmy

marmosets who are born in twin pairs and

the metabolic challenge is so great by

the mother to feed them that the males

often have to kick in and do a

substantial amount of caregiving so much

so that even non-related males will come

in and they'll carry these babies around

all right this is attachment at its

finest and that's what I'm going to talk

about today and I want to make some

arguments that you know we socialize

boys away from attachment now back to

the story of about the importance of

connection in both physical and mental

health I'm willing to bet if I pull the

audience right now and asks you with the

primary risk factors for cardiovascular

disease or I think in short order we'd

come up with the usual suspects right

inactivity hypertension cholesterol

smoking right if you're not familiar

with relative risk what this means is if

you are somebody who smokes

you are two-and-a-half times more likely

to develop CV disease and somebody who

doesn't smoke

all right this is our conventional

understanding of health now upwards of

30 years or so of epidemiological

research has found another culprit and

this might surprise some of you social

isolation people who are socially

isolated are three times or almost three

times more likely to develop

cardiovascular disease that somebody who

is socially connected now this is not an

abstract idea this is not me with a

political or religious ideology this is

not new ageism we have study after study

after study this shows us very clear

evidence on the role of social

connectedness now what does this have to

do with men and boys and men all right

some of you might hold the stereotype

and maybe some of you might uphold the

stereotype of men being less emotional

than women are being stoic or the

favorite phrase boys don't cry I'm here

to suggest otherwise and actually

research suggests infant boys are

actually more expressive in both range

and intensity than infant females and

interestingly if you watch a group of

two or three year olds at play both boys

and girls you see this wide range of

negative and positive emotions it's

actually kind of hard to distinguish

between the two because they're so

similar but the stories start to to

change over time right around age six

and they get into kindergarten these

paths start to diverge now if we

fast-forward into adolescence the young

adulthood we start to see a new pattern

this is one of my favorite photos

colleague of mine at Clark University by

name of Michael Addis his father took

this on a street corner in Oklahoma back

in the 50s I think you and I can what

this guy's feeling right and there's

probably some pretty good rules about

what he's allowed to show and what he's

not allowed to show and that's we're

gonna be talking about today now there

was a recent study actually a series of

them that looked at an ask men and women

in America and it was kind of equal

representation of European American

african-american Asian American they

wanted them to generate a list and then

rate emotions that are culturally

acceptable for men and women here in the

United States and at the end of that the

results suggested that men were allowed

to display these three emotions at

greater rates anger contempt and pride

whereas women were allowed to experience

joy compassion sympathy fear and a host

of other ones

now we're talking about emotional

expression at this point right but that

doesn't tell the whole story if we hook

these same individuals up to equipment

that can measure our autonomic nervous

system responses and these are the

things that we once thought we couldn't

control like heart rate you know skin

conductance sweat muscle tension breath

rate and then we expose them to stimuli

that can evoke or elicit strong emotions

these gender differences disappear so

we're not so different on the inside but

it's very clear that we have some

differences expected on the outside what

happened or what's happening to

employees and men back in 1987 so we

know the name of long came up with this

male emotional funnel system so we all

come into the world with a full range of

vulnerable emotions you can see some of

them there behind me fear shame but over

time we teach our boys to reach annal

them into anger and aggression and it's

not that we like these displays but we

tolerate them and sometimes even accept

them in our men but what you don't know

and you don't see is that half second

before anger came and I'm going to make

the argument this is the true primary

emotion all right if we feel shame anger

rises up to defend against it all right

so I'm really interested in what's

happening in that moment right before

this is Christian Hopkins again with

this remarkable photo or we teach boys

it is not okay to be vulnerable it's not

okay to be hurt right but it's okay to

cover that up with either anger or

silence the problem with that is if we

take that over the lifespan the more we

do that the less connected we are with

our own emotional states and we can

actually lose our ability to detect

those subtle changes in our emotions and

if we extend it one more layer we also

then over time lose or impair our

ability to detect those and respond to

those in others as well so now we've

really created a problem when two people

are supposed to be interacting now it's

not all about well actually one thing I

want to ask you I want you think about

the person in your life non family

member who's closest to you how do they

go from being a complete stranger to

being somebody whom you trust chances

are over time there's that reciprocal

vulnerability or you finally that you

found somebody

for whom you could be yourself you have

to worry about that judgment but it's

not all about negative emotions it turns

out those same people who stilt those

knave emotions report less compassion

joy and all these other things these

positive things that we take for granted

right as part of the human experience

and as psychologists we call that making

a pact with the devil right you can't

get one without the other

now what's remarkable be a human being

is we have this giant forebrain and we

can make these decisions we can say you

know what you know I just broke up this

individual I'm never going to get hurt

again I'm never going to be vulnerable

never going to show weakness but when we

do so we end up muting our experiences

on both ends and then that makes it

harder to connect with people my next

turning point is a professional one so I

had a male client as late 30s came to

his first session just angry aggressive

a history of violence I didn't want to

work with him I from write right off the

bat I knew that but a couple sessions in

I found out he had just an incredibly

tragic trauma history he himself had

been a victim of severe physical abuse

he had perpetrated physical abuse kid

poly substance addiction had declared

bankruptcy several failed relationships

but all he ever showed was anger there

was no hurt there was no sadness and

just anger every time in the couple

sessions and he said to me you know what

I know what you're trying to get me to

do and I'm not going to do it I haven't

cried in 25 years and I'm not going to

start now

I said look to be honest with you I

don't care whether you cry or not but my

goal is to help you get in touch with

what you're experiencing and if that

involves crying then so be it

I said I wasn't really curious I said so

what do you find so aversive about the

idea of crying and he looked me straight

in the eye dead serious and said I'm

afraid that if I start I'm going to

crawl up in a fetal position and never

be able to stop so so that told me he

was well aware of what he was masking in

controlling that situation now you can

probably suspect where the story is

going to go right eight about eight

weeks after that came in we're having a

session

and all of a sudden the tides change and

here he was and he just wept wept openly

for the first time in 25 years in front

of a man no less right there was no

anger there was no shame

it was just calmness and stillness and I

was actually very emotionally moved as

well and at the end of it he kind of you

know once it was kind of all over he

looked really relaxed and he looked up

to me and he kind of smile and he goes

huh now I see why people do that right

but I had a little turning point then I

said you know what if being the man

therapist means that I can be part of

this journey with these individuals then

you know sign me up this is something I

want to do professionally now another

thing it's easy to challenge these norms

I study this stuff I teach I research it

I encourage my male clients to do it

right but I stumble with it all the time

so my next story is a personal one so a

couple years ago a colleague had sent me

a link to a photo project called days

with my father on days with my father

calm Philip Toledano is a uk-based

photojournalist and he chronicled his

father's struggle with Alzheimer's

disease so I'm here at my kitchen table

tears streaming down my face I was alone

so it was okay and I heard my daughter

you know say Papa you know time for dub

time and so my gut reaction was to shut

this thing down right wipe my eyes and I

start rationalizing it's like oh you

know what she's never seen me cry it's

gonna confuse her I might freak her out

I don't know explain this so I went on

we had our normal evening later that

night I was lying in bed and saying oh

my gosh you know I just missed this

opportunity you know it could been a

teachable moment say a daddies cry too

and she could get that I mean she would

understand you know she cries and the

lights were too bright in the morning

when I wake her up right but I had kind

of put myself in check and I missed that

and so I want to ask you all you know

how many opportunities have we missed

with men in our lives to be vulnerable

and be honest there but I find a

fascinating irony in this men's issue

stuff because men are also I tend to

score higher on risk-taking behaviors

and women strive myself to a kite in a

surfboard sign me up

right do whatever these guys are doing

the swinging fool no yes please

going out with your best friend

putting arm in the shoulder

even look in the eye and say you know

what you mean a lot to me I'm really

glad you're in my life this one is

supposed to cue crickets chirping right

we don't do those things and by the way

it doesn't count the I Love You Man six

beers in the bar time right that's not

what I'm talking about here is very

different than that all right which

brings me to this turning point for you

all right

social changes are required this massive

organized movement I mean all it

requires is each one of us make one

small change our lives right to get

people to respond in a different way

right to put down this mask but it's a

misconception that I'm out here

spreading a message that men have to

stop be you know stop being men I'm not

asking them to radically change who they

are when I work with men on this issue I

really say hey this is another skill

that you can learn and that you can

apply in the right situations and I'm

not saying that we have to do this in

all situations you and I know very well

that there are places that we find

ourselves where that emotional control

and restriction is called for and it's

necessary my concern is that when we

take that and that is our default mode

in our human relationships so we come

into our workplace we come into our

family we come into our friendships with

just that blocking and the masking but

changing this doesn't have to be

complicated I came up with two simple

tips for us just even start with one is

let's eliminate phrases like man up boys

will be boys stop acting like a girl I

just acknowledged that these are common

human emotions we all experience and

they don't have to be gendered in any

way the second point is let's redefine

what it means to be courageous and if

you think about it doesn't require

courage to hide behind a mask requires

courage is to be open and vulnerable no

matter what the outcome and that's

really what we're asking and what I ask

men to do so I want to end with an

observation I made a year ago I was

taking my two kids trick-or-treating and

a group of four boys we're probably at

11 to 12 or engage what I call

competitive trick-or-treating right so

there's like darting from house to house

trying to fill up these bags and they

whiz by us on the driveway and this one

guys you know yells to his friend he

says you better

a shoe they get up to the house and get

their candy they bound off the porch

sure enough the kid with the untied shoe

takes a digger onto the concrete and my

first reaction was here it comes right

there this guy's going to get it but

that's not what happened so his friend

gets down on one knee puts his hand on

the shoulder and says man are you okay

because okay I am fine succeed that's

why I told you that's why I wanted you

to tie your shoe I want to see you get

hurt are you sure you're okay and the

friends like yeah yeah I'm fine

so cuz if you're not okay I'm sure all

of us will be just fine going back to my

house we can stop trick-or-treating we

can just hang out and his friends are

nodding their head are you sure you okay

he's like yeah no that's fine we can

keep being out there it's like well Lisa

let me tie your shoe and he gets down

those other knee and ties his French

shoe and then they go off sprinting to

the next house but I learned a lesson

that night because I had my own

expectations and they were proven wrong

and I'm willing to bet if we turn off

the nightly news and sometimes our news

feeds and our social media sites and

just look around us you're going to see

a lot more of that happening than we

know and by recognizing it and seeing it

then we start to make small cultural

shifts where people learn that it's okay

and it's not going to be judged

negatively or punished so back to this

image my wish for you as an audience is

to walk away from this and commit to

removing the mask at least in some small

way now I've been met with criticism

with this message and it's using the

form of but are we going to woo safai or

safai our American boys and men but I

want to remind you of the male emotional

funnel system so if you hear this

message and you feel this like defensive

anger pop up what was it that you

experienced right before that right and

what truly do we have to fear by doing

this so when you go back out in your

lives I want you to be courageous be

vulnerable and just take one small risk

with something your life to make a

deeper connection thank you for your

time

you

you