Robert Waldinger: What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness | TED

Summary

The Harvard Study of Adult Development, spanning 75 years, reveals that good relationships, not wealth or fame, are the key to happiness and health. Social connections positively impact longevity and well-being, while loneliness and conflict are detrimental. High-quality relationships protect both body and mind, with the study showing that satisfaction in relationships at age 50 predicts health at 80. The message is clear: prioritize nurturing close, warm connections for a fulfilling life.

Takeaways

• 🔍 The Harvard Study of Adult Development is the longest study of adult life, tracking 724 men for 75 years to understand what contributes to a happy and healthy life.
• 📊 Over 80% of millennials surveyed listed getting rich as a major life goal, and 50% wanted to become famous, reflecting common perceptions of what leads to a good life.
• 💼 The study found that social connections are crucial for happiness and health, while loneliness has a negative impact on both.
• 👥 The quality of close relationships is more important than the quantity of friends or the status of being in a relationship.
• 🚫 High-conflict relationships, even within marriage, are detrimental to health, potentially worse than divorce.
• 🛡 Good, warm relationships seem to protect individuals from the negative effects of aging, including physical pain and memory decline.
• 🧠 Secure relationships in one's 80s help maintain sharper memories, suggesting that emotional bonds can influence cognitive health.
• 💖 The study emphasizes that good relationships are essential for well-being, a message as old as time but often overlooked in pursuit of quick fixes.
• 👵👴 Even among octogenarian couples who argue frequently, those who feel they can rely on each other are less affected by memory decline.
• 🌟 The happiest retirees in the study were those who actively sought to replace work relationships with new social connections.
• 🌱 The script encourages individuals of all ages to 'lean in' to relationships, suggesting that nurturing connections is a lifelong pursuit.

Q & A

What is the main focus of the Harvard Study of Adult Development?

The main focus of the Harvard Study of Adult Development is to track the lives of individuals over time to understand what factors contribute to happiness and health as they age.

How long has the Harvard Study of Adult Development been running?

The Harvard Study of Adult Development has been running for 75 years.

What were the two groups of participants in the study?

The two groups of participants were men who were sophomores at Harvard College and boys from Boston's poorest neighborhoods.

What were the initial life goals of the surveyed millennials?

The surveyed millennials aimed to get rich and become famous, with over 80% prioritizing wealth and 50% aiming for fame.

What is the primary message the study conveys about what contributes to happiness and health?

The primary message is that good relationships are the key to happiness and health.

What are the three big lessons the study has learned about relationships?

The three big lessons are: social connections are beneficial, loneliness is harmful; the quality of close relationships is more important than the quantity; and good relationships protect both our bodies and brains.

How does the experience of loneliness impact health and well-being?

Loneliness is found to be toxic, leading to less happiness, earlier health decline in midlife, earlier brain functioning decline, and shorter lifespans.

What role does the quality of relationships play in the health of individuals?

High-quality relationships, especially those free from conflict and providing emotional support, contribute to better health and longevity.

How does the study suggest that good relationships affect the aging process?

Good relationships seem to buffer against the negative effects of aging, such as maintaining a happier mood despite physical pain.

What does the study suggest about the impact of good relationships on memory in older age?

Being in a securely attached relationship in one's 80s is protective for memory, with those who feel they can rely on their partner experiencing slower memory decline.

What advice does the speaker give for individuals of different ages to 'lean in' to relationships?

The advice includes replacing screen time with social time, revitalizing relationships through shared activities, and reconnecting with estranged family members to mitigate the negative effects of family feuds.

Outlines

00:00

🧐 The Quest for Happiness and Healthy Aging

This paragraph introduces the Harvard Study of Adult Development, a longitudinal study that has been tracking the lives of 724 men for 75 years. The study, which is rare due to its longevity, has observed participants from their teenage years into old age, examining various aspects of their lives including work, home life, and health. The goal is to understand what truly contributes to happiness and health. The study has survived due to luck and the dedication of researchers, with the fourth director now overseeing it. It includes two distinct groups: Harvard sophomores who went on to serve in World War II and boys from Boston's poorest neighborhoods. The study has expanded to include the children of the original participants, offering a comprehensive view of life choices and their outcomes.

05:00

💞 The Power of Good Relationships

The second paragraph delves into the findings of the study, emphasizing that good relationships are the key to happiness and health. The study reveals three significant lessons about relationships. Firstly, social connections are beneficial for well-being, while loneliness is detrimental to health and life expectancy. Secondly, the quality of close relationships is more important than the quantity of social contacts. Conflict-ridden relationships can be worse for health than divorce, whereas warm, supportive relationships are protective. Lastly, the study shows that satisfaction in relationships at midlife predicts health in old age, and that good relationships can mitigate the emotional impact of physical pain in later years. The paragraph also discusses the protective effect of secure relationships on cognitive health, suggesting that trust and reliability in a partnership can delay memory decline.

10:02

🤔 The Overlooked Importance of Relationships

The final paragraph reflects on why the importance of relationships is often overlooked despite its profound impact on our lives. It suggests that humans tend to seek quick fixes and are drawn to the allure of fame, wealth, and achievement, which are perceived as more tangible and glamorous goals. However, the study's findings consistently indicate that those who prioritize relationships fare better in life. The paragraph encourages individuals of all ages to 'lean in' to relationships, suggesting practical ways to nurture connections, such as spending more time with people, revitalizing relationships, and mending family feuds. It concludes with a quote from Mark Twain, underscoring the fleeting nature of life and the importance of focusing on love and connection.

Keywords

💡Well-being

Well-being refers to the state of being comfortable, healthy, and happy. In the context of the video, it is the overarching theme that good relationships contribute to a person's overall well-being. The script mentions that 'Good relationships keep us happier and healthier,' emphasizing the importance of social connections for a fulfilling life.

💡Loneliness

Loneliness is the feeling of being alone or isolated, which can have adverse effects on a person's mental and physical health. The video script points out that 'loneliness kills' and that it is 'toxic,' highlighting how detrimental it can be to one's health and happiness, contrasting with the positive effects of social connections.

💡Social Connections

Social connections refer to the relationships and interactions a person has with others, including family, friends, and community members. The script underscores that people with more social connections are 'happier, physically healthier, and live longer,' indicating the vital role these connections play in a person's life.

💡Quality of Relationships

The quality of relationships pertains to the depth, trust, and satisfaction within the connections one has with others. The video emphasizes that 'it's the quality of your close relationships that matters,' suggesting that the strength of these bonds is more important than the mere quantity of relationships, as it directly impacts health and happiness.

💡Conflict

Conflict refers to disagreements or clashes, often resulting in stress and unhappiness. The script notes that 'living in the midst of conflict is really bad for our health,' specifically mentioning 'high-conflict marriages' as an example of how ongoing strife can negatively affect one's well-being.

💡Harvard Study of Adult Development

The Harvard Study of Adult Development is a long-term research project that has been tracking the lives of men for 75 years to understand factors contributing to happiness and health. The script describes this study as 'the longest study of adult life that's ever been done,' and its findings are central to the video's message about the importance of relationships.

💡Mental Health

Mental health is the state of one's psychological and emotional well-being. The video script discusses how 'the experience of loneliness turns out to be toxic' and how 'good, warm relationships' are protective, indicating that mental health is closely tied to the nature of one's relationships.

💡Physical Health

Physical health refers to the state of a person's body and its functions. The script mentions that 'people who are more socially connected...are physically healthier,' showing a direct link between social connections and physical well-being.

💡Secure Attachment

Secure attachment is a psychological term describing a strong emotional bond where one feels safe and supported. The video script explains that being in a 'securely attached relationship' in one's 80s is protective for memory, suggesting that the sense of security in relationships can have lasting cognitive benefits.

💡Life Goals

Life goals are the objectives or aspirations that individuals aim to achieve in their lifetime. The script refers to a survey where 'over 80 percent said that a major life goal for them was to get rich,' and 'another 50 percent...to become famous,' contrasting these common aspirations with the study's findings that good relationships, rather than wealth or fame, are key to happiness and health.

💡Retirement

Retirement is the period after one stops working, typically due to age. The video script mentions that 'the people in our 75-year study who were the happiest in retirement were the people who had actively worked to replace workmates with new playmates,' indicating that maintaining and developing relationships is crucial for happiness even in later life.

Highlights

The Harvard Study of Adult Development is the longest study of adult life, tracking 724 men for 75 years.

The study has survived through luck and the persistence of several generations of researchers.

The study began in 1938 with two groups: Harvard sophomores and boys from Boston's poorest neighborhoods.

Participants have been followed into old age, providing insights into what keeps people happy and healthy.

Good relationships are found to be the key to happiness and health, rather than wealth or fame.

Social connections are beneficial, while loneliness is detrimental to health and happiness.

The quality of close relationships, not just the quantity, is crucial for well-being.

High-conflict marriages can be worse for health than divorce, emphasizing the importance of relationship quality.

Satisfaction in relationships at age 50 predicts health at age 80.

Good relationships buffer against the negative effects of aging and physical pain.

Secure relationships in one's 80s protect memory and cognitive function.

Even among couples who bicker, trust and reliability are key to maintaining memory sharpness.

The study shows that those who prioritized relationships fared better in life.

Retirees who actively replaced workmates with new social connections were happier.

The study challenges the common belief that fame and wealth are the keys to a good life.

Leaning into relationships with family, friends, and community is suggested as a path to happiness.

Mark Twain's quote emphasizes the importance of love and the brevity of life, aligning with the study's findings.

Transcripts

What keeps us healthy and happy

as we go through life?

If you were going to invest now

in your future best self,

where would you put your time and your energy?

There was a recent survey of millennials

asking them what their most important life goals were,

and over 80 percent said

that a major life goal for them was to get rich.

And another 50 percent of those same young adults

said that another major life goal

was to become famous.

(Laughter)

And we're constantly told to lean in to work, to push harder

and achieve more.

We're given the impression that these are the things that we need to go after

in order to have a good life.

Pictures of entire lives,

of the choices that people make and how those choices work out for them,

those pictures are almost impossible to get.

Most of what we know about human life

we know from asking people to remember the past,

and as we know, hindsight is anything but 20/20.

We forget vast amounts of what happens to us in life,

and sometimes memory is downright creative.

But what if we could watch entire lives

as they unfold through time?

What if we could study people from the time that they were teenagers

all the way into old age

to see what really keeps people happy and healthy?

We did that.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development

may be the longest study of adult life that's ever been done.

For 75 years, we've tracked the lives of 724 men,

year after year, asking about their work, their home lives, their health,

and of course asking all along the way without knowing how their life stories

were going to turn out.

Studies like this are exceedingly rare.

Almost all projects of this kind fall apart within a decade

because too many people drop out of the study,

or funding for the research dries up,

or the researchers get distracted,

or they die, and nobody moves the ball further down the field.

But through a combination of luck

and the persistence of several generations of researchers,

this study has survived.

About 60 of our original 724 men

are still alive,

still participating in the study,

most of them in their 90s.

And we are now beginning to study

the more than 2,000 children of these men.

And I'm the fourth director of the study.

Since 1938, we've tracked the lives of two groups of men.

The first group started in the study

when they were sophomores at Harvard College.

They all finished college during World War II,

and then most went off to serve in the war.

And the second group that we've followed

was a group of boys from Boston's poorest neighborhoods,

boys who were chosen for the study

specifically because they were from some of the most troubled

and disadvantaged families

in the Boston of the 1930s.

Most lived in tenements, many without hot and cold running water.

When they entered the study,

all of these teenagers were interviewed.

They were given medical exams.

We went to their homes and we interviewed their parents.

And then these teenagers grew up into adults

who entered all walks of life.

They became factory workers and lawyers and bricklayers and doctors,

one President of the United States.

Some developed alcoholism. A few developed schizophrenia.

Some climbed the social ladder

from the bottom all the way to the very top,

and some made that journey in the opposite direction.

The founders of this study

would never in their wildest dreams

have imagined that I would be standing here today, 75 years later,

telling you that the study still continues.

Every two years, our patient and dedicated research staff

calls up our men and asks them if we can send them

yet one more set of questions about their lives.

Many of the inner city Boston men ask us,

"Why do you keep wanting to study me? My life just isn't that interesting."

The Harvard men never ask that question.

(Laughter)

To get the clearest picture of these lives,

we don't just send them questionnaires.

We interview them in their living rooms.

We get their medical records from their doctors.

We draw their blood, we scan their brains,

we talk to their children.

We videotape them talking with their wives about their deepest concerns.

And when, about a decade ago, we finally asked the wives

if they would join us as members of the study,

many of the women said, "You know, it's about time."

(Laughter)

So what have we learned?

What are the lessons that come from the tens of thousands of pages

of information that we've generated

on these lives?

Well, the lessons aren't about wealth or fame or working harder and harder.

The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this:

Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.

We've learned three big lessons about relationships.

The first is that social connections are really good for us,

and that loneliness kills.

It turns out that people who are more socially connected

to family, to friends, to community,

are happier, they're physically healthier, and they live longer

than people who are less well connected.

And the experience of loneliness turns out to be toxic.

People who are more isolated than they want to be from others

find that they are less happy,

their health declines earlier in midlife,

their brain functioning declines sooner

and they live shorter lives than people who are not lonely.

And the sad fact is that at any given time,

more than one in five Americans will report that they're lonely.

And we know that you can be lonely in a crowd

and you can be lonely in a marriage,

so the second big lesson that we learned

is that it's not just the number of friends you have,

and it's not whether or not you're in a committed relationship,

but it's the quality of your close relationships that matters.

It turns out that living in the midst of conflict is really bad for our health.

High-conflict marriages, for example, without much affection,

turn out to be very bad for our health, perhaps worse than getting divorced.

And living in the midst of good, warm relationships is protective.

Once we had followed our men all the way into their 80s,

we wanted to look back at them at midlife

and to see if we could predict

who was going to grow into a happy, healthy octogenarian

and who wasn't.

And when we gathered together everything we knew about them

at age 50,

it wasn't their middle age cholesterol levels

that predicted how they were going to grow old.

It was how satisfied they were in their relationships.

The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50

were the healthiest at age 80.

And good, close relationships seem to buffer us

from some of the slings and arrows of getting old.

Our most happily partnered men and women

reported, in their 80s,

that on the days when they had more physical pain,

their mood stayed just as happy.

But the people who were in unhappy relationships,

on the days when they reported more physical pain,

it was magnified by more emotional pain.

And the third big lesson that we learned about relationships and our health

is that good relationships don't just protect our bodies,

they protect our brains.

It turns out that being in a securely attached relationship

to another person in your 80s is protective,

that the people who are in relationships

where they really feel they can count on the other person in times of need,

those people's memories stay sharper longer.

And the people in relationships

where they feel they really can't count on the other one,

those are the people who experience earlier memory decline.

And those good relationships, they don't have to be smooth all the time.

Some of our octogenarian couples could bicker with each other

day in and day out,

but as long as they felt that they could really count on the other

when the going got tough,

those arguments didn't take a toll on their memories.

So this message,

that good, close relationships are good for our health and well-being,

this is wisdom that's as old as the hills.

Why is this so hard to get and so easy to ignore?

Well, we're human.

What we'd really like is a quick fix,

something we can get

that'll make our lives good and keep them that way.

Relationships are messy and they're complicated

and the hard work of tending to family and friends,

it's not sexy or glamorous.

It's also lifelong. It never ends.

The people in our 75-year study who were the happiest in retirement

were the people who had actively worked to replace workmates with new playmates.

Just like the millennials in that recent survey,

many of our men when they were starting out as young adults

really believed that fame and wealth and high achievement

were what they needed to go after to have a good life.

But over and over, over these 75 years, our study has shown

that the people who fared the best were the people who leaned in to relationships,

with family, with friends, with community.

So what about you?

Let's say you're 25, or you're 40, or you're 60.

What might leaning in to relationships even look like?

Well, the possibilities are practically endless.

It might be something as simple as replacing screen time with people time

or livening up a stale relationship by doing something new together,

long walks or date nights,

or reaching out to that family member who you haven't spoken to in years,

because those all-too-common family feuds

take a terrible toll

on the people who hold the grudges.

I'd like to close with a quote from Mark Twain.

More than a century ago,

he was looking back on his life,

and he wrote this:

"There isn't time, so brief is life,

for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account.

There is only time for loving,

and but an instant, so to speak, for that."

The good life is built with good relationships.

Thank you.

(Applause)