Who do Narcissists WANT to be with?
Summary
TLDRIn this episode of 'Mornings with Lee Hammock,' the self-aware narcissist discusses who narcissists are attracted to and what drives their relationships. Lee debunks the myth that narcissists always pursue weak individuals, emphasizing that while looks may matter, a person's energy and personality are key factors. He explains that strong boundaries and self-awareness can prevent toxic relationships, while vulnerability and people-pleasing tendencies may invite abuse. Lee encourages personal growth and setting boundaries to repel narcissists, offering advice for both victims and narcissists looking to change. His goal is to help viewers win in their healing journey.
Takeaways
- 🎤 The video discusses the types of people narcissists are attracted to and challenges common misconceptions about their preferences.
- 💭 The speaker, a diagnosed narcissist, shares personal insights, emphasizing that attraction isn't solely based on weakness or manipulability.
- 🤔 The speaker contemplates the unconscious factors that may influence who a narcissist is attracted to, such as vulnerability.
- 👤 Looks do matter to narcissists, but they are not the only factor; personality traits like humor are also highly valued.
- 😂 The importance of shared laughter and a sense of humor is highlighted as a cornerstone in the speaker's relationship.
- 🔄 The speaker suggests that the dynamic of a relationship with a narcissist is significantly influenced by the second-level traits of the person involved.
- 🚫 Strong boundaries and the ability to say 'no' are key in preventing toxic relationships with narcissists.
- 🛡 The speaker metaphorically compares self-improvement and boundary setting to bug repellent, which can deter narcissists.
- 🌟 Personal growth and self-awareness are positioned as the best defenses against forming unhealthy relationships with narcissists.
- 📢 The video serves as a call to action for both those involved with narcissists and narcissists themselves to recognize and change harmful behaviors.
Q & A
What does the speaker say about the typical perception that narcissists are attracted to weak people?
-The speaker challenges the perception that narcissists consciously seek out weak or easily manipulated people. While some may assume that narcissists want weak individuals to control, the speaker argues that they do not intentionally pursue such people on a conscious level, although it may happen unconsciously.
How does the speaker describe their personal attraction as a diagnosed narcissist?
-The speaker explains that they are attracted to personality traits such as humor and compatibility. They mention that their wife, for example, shares a similar sense of humor, which is important in their relationship. Looks matter, but personality and energy play a more significant role in long-term attraction.
How do strong boundaries influence a narcissist's relationship with someone?
-The speaker states that if someone has strong boundaries and is not easily manipulated, the relationship with a narcissist is unlikely to last long. However, if the person struggles with boundaries or is a people pleaser, the relationship could become toxic and narcissistically abusive.
What advice does the speaker give for avoiding a toxic relationship with a narcissist?
-The speaker advises individuals to focus on self-improvement, establishing strong boundaries, and controlling how they react to a narcissist. They emphasize the importance of working on oneself and not trying to change the narcissist, as this helps protect against entering or staying in a toxic relationship.
What metaphor does the speaker use to explain how strong boundaries work against narcissists?
-The speaker compares strong boundaries to spraying 'off spray' to repel ticks or mosquitoes. Even though the bugs may bite, they do not stay latched on, similar to how narcissists might attempt to engage with someone, but strong boundaries prevent them from sticking around.
What type of person might be more susceptible to a narcissistically abusive relationship?
-According to the speaker, individuals who are empathetic, have difficulty saying no, struggle with self-love, or frequently give people the benefit of the doubt may be more susceptible to entering a toxic relationship with a narcissist.
How does the speaker view their role in helping others through their content?
-The speaker explains that they create content to help people recognize narcissistic behaviors and protect themselves. They want people to 'win' in their relationships by setting strong boundaries and avoiding toxic dynamics. The speaker also acknowledges getting narcissistic supply from seeing others succeed.
Does the speaker believe that narcissists always target people in vulnerable positions?
-The speaker acknowledges that some narcissists may act predatory and target people in vulnerable states, such as after a breakup or a loss. However, they emphasize that even in these situations, strong boundaries can prevent the relationship from becoming toxic.
What role does empathy play in a narcissist's attraction to someone?
-The speaker suggests that narcissists might be drawn to highly empathetic people because they tend to offer support and care, which narcissists can exploit. However, if these empathetic individuals also have strong boundaries, the relationship is less likely to turn toxic.
What does the speaker suggest people do if they feel they are a 'narcissist magnet'?
-The speaker recommends that people who feel they are frequently attracting narcissists should focus on strengthening their boundaries. By becoming more assertive and less susceptible to manipulation, they can deter narcissists from latching onto them for long periods.
Outlines
🤔 Who Attracts Narcissists?
The speaker begins by addressing the audience and introducing the topic of attraction for narcissists. They clarify that contrary to popular belief, narcissists are not necessarily attracted to weak-minded individuals. The speaker shares personal insights as a diagnosed narcissist, explaining that they have not consciously sought out vulnerable or easily manipulable people. They acknowledge the possibility of unconscious attraction to vulnerability but emphasize that it's not a conscious pursuit. The speaker also discusses the role of physical appearance in attraction for narcissists, suggesting that while looks can matter, they are not the primary factor. They argue that an individual's energy and personality traits, such as a sense of humor, are more significant in determining attraction.
🛡 Building Boundaries Against Narcissistic Abuse
In this paragraph, the speaker delves into the idea that the nature of the person, particularly their boundaries and self-awareness, can determine the trajectory of a relationship with a narcissist. They highlight that while narcissists may be attracted to individuals in vulnerable states, it's the individual's inner strength and ability to set boundaries that ultimately shapes the relationship. The speaker advocates for self-improvement and boundary setting as a means to prevent toxic relationships. They also discuss the predatory nature of some narcissists who target vulnerable individuals, but stress that having strong personal boundaries can act as a deterrent, similar to a repellent that may not prevent all encounters but can limit their negative impact.
📢 The Importance of Self-Growth and Setting Boundaries
The final paragraph reinforces the message of self-improvement and boundary setting. The speaker emphasizes the importance of working on oneself to become the best version possible, which they refer to as the best 'narcissist repellent.' They discuss the concept of 'supply' in narcissistic relationships and how understanding and controlling what one provides to a narcissist can help in managing such relationships. The speaker also encourages viewers to subscribe to the channel for more content and mentions the availability of courses and support groups to aid in healing and understanding experiences with narcissistic relationships.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Narcissist
💡Supply
💡Boundaries
💡Empathy
💡Manipulation
💡Vulnerability
💡People pleaser
💡Anxious attachment
💡Predatory behavior
💡Self-love
Highlights
Narcissists don't consciously pursue people they consider weak or easy to manipulate.
Attraction is often unconscious, driven by seeing someone in a vulnerable state.
Looks do matter to narcissists, but personality traits like humor and compatibility are important too.
Strong boundaries and the ability to say no can deter narcissistic relationships from lasting.
People who struggle with boundaries, have people-pleasing tendencies, or anxious attachment styles are more likely to end up in toxic relationships.
Narcissists may target people in vulnerable situations, such as after a breakup, loss, or emotional turmoil.
Self-work, strong boundaries, and understanding personal value can protect against narcissistic abuse.
Being emotionally vulnerable doesn’t always mean a person will fall into a toxic relationship, especially if they have strong boundaries.
Narcissists often seek people who can fulfill a specific need or provide supply in their life.
Healing and focusing on personal growth is the best way to prevent being targeted or hurt by narcissists.
The more self-aware and boundary-driven a person is, the less likely they are to be stuck in a narcissistically abusive relationship.
Narcissists can detect and take advantage of people in vulnerable or low self-esteem moments.
If a person finds themselves constantly attracting narcissists, they need to work on self-love and setting boundaries.
Narcissists can leave quickly if they recognize that a person has strong boundaries and isn’t easily manipulated.
Empowerment through knowledge and self-awareness helps individuals break free from toxic narcissistic relationships.
Transcripts
[Music]
what is going on beautiful folks welcome
to another episode of mornings with Lee
hammock your favorite self-aware
narcissist today we're GNA be talking
about who are narcissists attracted to
who who do we want who who do who do we
want who do we who do we want to take
home to Mama or
Dy who a narcissist attracted to Y this
one of the main questions I do get
everywhere um and my mind is all over
the place with it like seriously um
before we hop deep into today's episode
y'all if you have any question want to
do 101's coaching support group my
newsletter events and everything you can
find everything at mentalillness
nnet okay mentalillness Donnet it's on
the bottom of the screen right now I'll
leave it up just so y'all can copy and
copy it if you need to and whatnot um
but yes who are narcissists attracted to
who do we want y'all I I know what
people are going to say people like well
narcissists want a weak person they want
somebody they can run over top of uh
they want somebody that can they want a
yes person they want this they want that
but I really feel like as a diagnosed
narcissist I've never let's say it like
this I've never consciously pursued
someone because I thought they were
weak-minded or something like that you
or I thought they were easy to
manipulate I can get to all types of
Supply from them you know I I don't
think I've ever done that on a conscious
level now could I have done that on an
unconscious level seeing this person was
vulnerable and what not in a vulnerable
state and things like that uh yeah
probably you see what I'm saying but you
really never know what you do it
unconsciously until you until it comes
to a conscious level you know what I
mean it's the type of stuff that happens
but I feel like who I'm attracted to of
course like I know people going to say
looks matter to a narcissist so much is
it can it be true for a lot of
narcissist yes absolutely looks can
matter but they don't necessarily matter
you know looks can matter but they don't
necessarily matter and this is not me
trying to be disparaging towards anyone
because I know when I say this type of
stuff people automatically hop in the
comment section like oh yeah I know
looks don't matter because my partner
left me for a well my partner did my
partner did this my partner did that I
was just like look I'm not disparaging
anyone right I'm not doing anything I'm
not saying anything wrong like this is
the mindset of a narcissist like just
because you're a narcissistic person
might have cheated on you or left you
for someone that's you feel like is less
conventionally
attractive I I I get it how you want to
attack people but like said I I also in
my growth journey I try my hardest not
to do that anymore because you can't
control your you can't you can't really
control how you were born your face your
looks whatever you know mean especially
if you didn't know that your this person
was married or had a was in a
relationship uh you see what I'm saying
that that attack doesn't seem that
warranted unless they become you know a
flying monkey
or contribute to the abuse then I say
take the gloves off um that's how I feel
but looks don't always matter y I feel
like there's an energy that you that
people give off that might attract
narcissist I know people see me close my
eyes like this like well why you closing
your eyes I'm trying to get deep into my
mind right when I do this it's kind of
like I'm live meditating and going
through my mind like going like kind of
going through the cupboards of my mind
trying to find like what was I attracted
to I'm opening the cabinets of my mind
like where is it like like you know it's
like you looking for a snack in a
refrigerator at 3 o'clock in the morning
you know it's you know something is in
there but you don't know I'm just like
I'm looking for that that attraction
snack I'm looking for you
know um looking in the cupboards of my
mind but I just always felt like there's
always an an energy people give off to
me to make me attracted to him yeah
looks looks do matter a lot but it
really is it really is you know me once
I feel like you fit me personality wise
like you funny you have this stuff going
for you you have you have you I look for
sense of humor we got to be at a lab
like that's why my wife is a um she's a
funny woman I I love she she gets my
sense of humor she reciprocates it we we
we laugh a lot and I feel like that's
what the one of the strongholds of our
relationship is that we find very
similar things funny you know and she's
always laughing at my jokes I'm funny um
but once you get past that level I feel
like who you are who you are determines
the way the relationship goes I feel
like most narcissistic people right are
looking for the same things B on a base
level they are looking for the same
things that everybody else is looking
for but who you are the you as the
person that ends up with the narcissist
right who you are typically determines
the way the relationship goes right is
if I meet you you meet me you have
everything I'm looking for in a person
but then but then but on the second
level the second
layer you have strong boundaries you
don't you don't put up with no BS you
don't you're not easy to manipulate then
our relationship probably won't last
that long but if you you have a problem
saying no if you have a problem with
boundaries if you have a pro like if
you're a people pleaser or you might be
anxious and have an anxious attachment
style did you see what I'm saying then
our relationship might end up being a
toxic narcissistically abusive
relationship so it's kind of like who
you are on the second level determines
where things go who you are that's why I
always that's why you hear me in my
support groups when I do my zoom
meetings when I'm doing my oneone
coaching when I'm in my even in my
videos I'm always talking about working
on you how do we spot a narcissist how
we get them to change you have to work
on you control the controllables you
can't you you can't change this person
so you only thing you can change is you
how you how you perceive them how you
react to them how you treat them that's
what you can control how you set your
boundaries that's what you can control
like because narcissist yeah is there
are there some predatory narcissists out
there right that are attracted to people
who are going through who are attracted
to people in vulnerable times yes you
see what I'm saying you see what I'm
saying I say like in these spaces in
these situations there are a lot of
narcissists that are just attracted to
people who or in vulnerable positions
like you just got out of a relationship
you're going through something you might
be um a highly empathetic person you
might be there for them like they they
like y'all might just be friends and you
might be there for them and y'all end up
sleeping together or y'all end up
getting taking things to the next level
what not y'all end up dating you might
just be there for them and then again if
even in those situations right there who
you are still determines the way the
relationship goes next because even if
you're in a vulnerable situation and
this person is being predatory towards
you right they're praying on you because
um they see you in a vulnerable state
you just lost a parent you just lost
your pet you just broke up you just got
out of a relationship whatever the
situation is you just got divorced they
are being predatory towards you right
they like they're being predatory
towards you in this situation and
whatnot right so this type of Stu so
even if you so if you a vulnerable state
but you still have those strong
boundaries and things like that it might
not go that far but if you being
vulnerable and you are highly empathetic
you are struggling with selflove you
have problems saying no you uh give
people the benefit of the doubt too much
like then you might end up in a toxic
narcissistically abusive relationship
you know what I mean this is the space
that I tell people you working on you
becoming the best version of you is the
best um is the best uh narcissist
repellent right not necessarily
repellent but it it just like it's kind
of like
uh you having strong boundaries and
stuff like that it's kind of like you
know that that
um like you know if you have pets if you
have a pet or if if you are just a human
being right like you spraying like that
that off spray you know to keep ticks
and stuff like off of you like you spray
you have to off spray you spraying it on
you the stuff still might bite you right
the tick might bite you the mosquito
might bite you but it doesn't stay
latched on because that because you have
that shield on you right it's kind of
like having a like a flea collar like
they still might bite you but they die
or they get off of you very quickly
because you're not appealing to them
anymore you see what I'm saying just
like spraying off spray on you go out
there like the bug spray you spray bug
spray doesn't mean that the bugs are not
going to bite you it just means they're
not going to bite you and stick to you
like like a tick bite you when you have
like tick repelling on you they're
like you they might bite you but they
don't stay latched it's kind of similar
to that right there so regardless of
whether or not because I if you attract
a lot of narcissists you can keep them
away from you like they might get into
they might come into your life but they
get out of your life very quickly
because you have those strong boundaries
because you know what you have going on
because you know how to protect yourself
in these situations like these type of
stuff these things are absolutely
extremely important on this healing
process that's why I tell so many people
like you as you as you heal as you grow
as you are moving forward in your life
you can win y'all because so many people
I'm a narcissist magnet why because you
don't have that off you don't have that
uh that offs spray on you you have to
get that offs spray that narcissistic
repellent you have to get those strong
boundaries you have to be able to say no
when the red flags pop up and stuff like
that you have to be able to protect
yourself in things like that you have to
you know I mean this is the this is the
situation so many people fall into like
I be rooting for y'all and that's the
reason I do a lot of these videos I be
rooting for y'all and I also I do these
videos If a narcissist is watching this
video they see this stuff and they be
like damn well I got you know I I do
that stuff that Lee's talking about I
need to change my behaviors that's why I
do what I do that's why I talk the way
that I talk because i' be rooting for
y'all i' be wanting y'all to win so damn
much y'all it's crazy you know I mean in
these morning videos they my morning
videos are on point you know I I I talk
a lot in these morning videos but the
way the stuff I talk about is geared
towards helping people in just in the
situation they're not really topic
focused they have a title but they're
not extremely topic focused because the
goal is to just chat we chatting this
morning you know I mean we're super
chatty right now and being super chatty
I be rooting for y'all asses like well
Le is out here doing this and now I be
wanting y'all to win you can't name
somebody who wants you to win more than
Lee wants you to win you mean you can't
name one in this space in this field
right here of narcissistic toxic
relationships Lee had make be helping
more people and he's a diagnosed
narcissist he loves helping people Lee
you get supply from doing this yeah I I
I get some narcissistic Supply from
people winning I like to see y'all win
is that an issue with
y'all well Le I'm not giving you no
Supply I'm not going to win I'm going to
lose on purpose hey hey by all means
[Laughter]
um Le I'm I'mma Hurt You by about losing
y don't do that um but yeah narcissistic
people y'all who do we want whoever's in
front of us who do we pursue you see
what I'm saying they have you have to
bring a benefit into their life you have
to serve a purpose in their life you
can't just be platonic you mean what
purp like well how do I get rid of this
person find out what type of Supply did
they get from you cut it off that's the
simplest way that's the most efficient
way find out what this person is getting
from you what validation that they're
getting from you and turn off the SP it
SP it SP it is it spit or SP
It Anyways y'all make sure you tune in
make sure you subscribe to the channel
if you haven't already um um and as
always mental illness is
out peace thank you so much for making
it to the end of my video I extremely
grateful for you have no idea if you
haven't already make sure you go ahead
and subscribe to the channel helps reach
more people and click on the screen to
watch another video or to browse through
another playlist there's also a link on
the screen to check out my courses and
my support groups to help you heal and
understand what you've been through
thank you so much again I will see you
in the next video peace
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