‘I was afraid I’d be rejected if I told people of my abuse’ | Philippines | Invisible Asia

Summary

The speaker recounts childhood sexual abuse by an older neighbor, the societal stigma that prevents boys from reporting such abuse, and the internalized pressure to be strong. He discusses the impact on his mental health, including panic attacks and depression, and his journey to understand his sexuality. The narrative concludes with a call to support others facing similar struggles and prevent suicide, offering comfort to his younger self.

Takeaways

• 😢 The individual experienced sexual abuse as a child by an older neighbor.
• 🏠 The abuse occurred when the neighbor's family members were not present.
• 🔨 The abuser used various objects to inflict physical harm.
• 👩‍👧 The victim's mother intervened to protect them, suffering injury in the process.
• 😞 The victim grew up harboring resentment towards their father due to the abuse.
• 🗣️ There is a societal stigma attached to male sexual abuse and rape, which often goes unreported.
• 💪 Boys are expected to be strong and self-protective, which can hinder them from seeking help.
• 🏫 The victim sought refuge in a seminary to escape their past and home life.
• 😔 Mental health issues, including panic attacks, anxiety, and depression, arose during the victim's time in the seminary.
• 🌈 The victim explored their sexuality and identified with the LGBTQ+ community.
• 👨‍🏫 As a teacher, the individual has lost students to suicide due to gender identity issues and family rejection.
• 🤗 The individual wishes to have been able to support and connect with those students to prevent their tragic ends.
• 👶 If given the chance, the individual would offer comfort and protection to their younger self.

Q & A

What was the age difference between the narrator and the older male neighbor?

The older male neighbor was five or six years older than the narrator.

How many times did the older male neighbor invite the narrator into his house?

The older male neighbor invited the narrator into his house three times.

What was the narrator's initial willingness to give himself entirely to the older male neighbor?

The narrator felt willing to give himself entirely to the older male neighbor after the third time of being invited.

What was the older male neighbor's reaction when the narrator was ready to do whatever he wanted?

The older male neighbor did not engage in any sexual activity but instead spat on the narrator and hit him with various objects.

How did the narrator's mother protect him during the last encounter with the older male neighbor?

The narrator's mother covered and protected him, and when she tried to cover him, the stick broke on her, indicating the severity of the neighbor's actions.

Why is foreign sexual abuse and rape often unreported according to the narrator?

Foreign sexual abuse and rape are often unreported due to the stigma society attaches to it, especially for boys who are expected to be strong and not show weakness.

What was the narrator's experience with his parents when he told them about his sexual abuse?

The narrator's parents dismissed his experience, saying 'boys will be boys' and that they would not get pregnant, showing a lack of understanding and support.

Why did the narrator enter high school seminary?

The narrator entered high school seminary as a means to escape his unpleasant home situation and past.

What mental health issues did the narrator face during his second year in seminary?

The narrator faced panic attacks, anxiety, and depression during his second year in seminary.

What was the narrator's behavior regarding sexual exploration during his time in seminary?

The narrator was addicted to the thought of having sex with his peers and was adventurous, even craving to satisfy himself sexually.

Why did the narrator decide to share his story?

The narrator decided to share his story because he had lost students to suicide due to gender issues and family non-acceptance, and he wished he could have spoken with them to prevent such outcomes.

What would the narrator say to his five-year-old self if given the chance?

If the narrator could see his five-year-old self again, he would embrace him and assure him that he is there for him, he will be fine, and he will be safe.

Outlines

00:00

😢 Childhood Sexual Abuse and Its Impact

The speaker recounts their traumatic childhood experience of sexual abuse by an older neighbor. The abuse occurred when the neighbor's family was absent, and it happened multiple times. The victim felt compelled to submit completely after the third incident. The abuser used various objects to inflict pain, and the victim's mother intervened during one of the incidents, suffering injuries in the process. The speaker grew up harboring resentment towards their father and discusses the societal stigma that discourages boys from reporting sexual abuse, viewing it as a sign of weakness. The cultural expectation for boys to be strong and self-reliant further complicates their ability to openly discuss emotional and psychological trauma. The speaker also shares their journey of seeking escape through a high school seminary, which they initially perceived as a haven but later realized was not the solution to their mental health struggles. They experienced panic attacks, anxiety, and depression during their second year, necessitating therapy.

05:01

🌈 Coming to Terms with Identity and Preventing Suicide

The speaker reflects on their sexual exploration and addiction to the idea of sex with peers, which led them to seek out the person who first introduced them to sex. They discuss their involvement with the gay community and the realization that sharing their story might help prevent suicides among students struggling with gender identity issues. The speaker expresses regret over not being able to connect with students who took their own lives due to familial rejection. They wish they could have shared their own experiences to provide comfort and support. The speaker concludes with a message of hope and safety, imagining what they would tell their younger self to help them cope with past traumas and to encourage open dialogue about their experiences.

Keywords

💡Sexual abuse

Sexual abuse refers to any unwanted sexual act or behavior forced upon a person without their consent. In the video's context, it is a traumatic experience that the narrator recounts from his childhood. The abuse was perpetrated by an older male neighbor who used his power to coerce the narrator into unwanted sexual acts. This keyword is central to the video's theme as it sets the stage for the narrator's journey of healing and understanding.

💡Stigma

Stigma is a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person. In the video, stigma is associated with the underreporting of sexual abuse, particularly when the victim is male. The narrator discusses societal expectations that boys should be strong and not show vulnerability, which contributes to the stigma and silence around male sexual abuse.

💡Emotional problems

Emotional problems refer to a range of psychological issues that affect a person's emotional state, such as anxiety, depression, or panic attacks. The narrator mentions experiencing emotional problems during his time in the seminary, which were a direct result of his past trauma. This keyword is significant as it highlights the long-term impact of abuse on mental health.

💡Psychological problems

Psychological problems encompass a variety of issues that affect a person's thoughts, behaviors, and emotions. The narrator's experience with panic attacks, anxiety, and depression are examples of psychological problems that stem from his childhood abuse. This keyword is integral to understanding the broader impact of trauma on a person's overall well-being.

💡Coping mechanisms

Coping mechanisms are strategies people use to manage stress or difficult emotions. The narrator describes seeking sexual experiences as a way to cope with his past trauma, indicating that he was searching for pleasure to escape his painful memories. This keyword is relevant as it illustrates one way the narrator attempted to deal with his emotional turmoil.

💡Seminary

A seminary is a school for theological education or a place of residence for people training to be religious leaders. The narrator mentions entering a high school seminary as an escape from his past and a search for a peaceful, spiritual environment. However, he later realizes that it was not the solution to his problems, highlighting the complexity of healing from trauma.

💡Depression

Depression is a mood disorder characterized by persistent feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and a lack of interest or pleasure in activities. The narrator's mention of depression is a testament to the profound emotional impact of his past experiences. It underscores the video's message about the need for understanding and support for survivors of abuse.

💡Suicide

Suicide is the act of intentionally causing one's own death. The video discusses the tragic outcome of suicide for some students who faced gender issues and were not accepted by their families. This keyword is crucial as it emphasizes the severity of the consequences when support and understanding are lacking for individuals dealing with trauma and identity issues.

💡Acceptance

Acceptance refers to the act of receiving or accepting something willingly. The narrator expresses regret for not being able to connect with students who committed suicide due to a lack of acceptance from their families. This keyword is central to the video's message about the importance of acceptance and understanding for individuals struggling with their identity and past experiences.

💡Resilience

Resilience is the ability to recover quickly from difficulties and to thrive despite adversity. The narrator's decision to share his story is an act of resilience, as he aims to help others by speaking out about his experiences. This keyword is significant as it represents the narrator's journey from victim to survivor and his efforts to make a positive impact on others.

💡Therapy

Therapy is a form of treatment intended to help individuals with psychological or emotional problems. The narrator had to see a psychotherapist during his second year in the seminary due to panic attacks and anxiety. This keyword is relevant as it represents a step towards healing and understanding one's own mental health struggles.

Highlights

Narrator recalls being abused by an older male neighbor when they were young.

Abuse happened multiple times, with the neighbor using various objects to harm the narrator.

The narrator's mother protected them, suffering injuries in the process.

The narrator grew up with a deep resentment towards their father due to these experiences.

Sexual abuse and rape are under-reported due to societal stigma.

Boys are often expected to be strong and not show vulnerability, which can prevent them from reporting abuse.

The narrator's experience led them to seek refuge in a high school seminary.

The narrator experienced mental health issues, including panic attacks and depression.

They sought therapy to address these issues.

The narrator struggled with sexual addiction and had a desire to re-experience their past trauma.

They explored the gay community in an attempt to find pleasure and cope with their past.

The narrator shares their story to help prevent suicide among students facing similar issues.

They express regret for not being able to connect with students who committed suicide.

The narrator wishes they could have told their younger self that they are not alone and that they will be safe.

The narrator's story serves as a message of hope and support for others experiencing gender and identity issues.

Transcripts

[Music]

so

we had a neighbor an older male i think

it was

five or six seven years older than

me whenever his mom or his siblings

were away he would invite me in his

house

and there he would ask me to do things

that i've never did

it happened three times after the third

time

i felt i was willing to give myself

entirely to him

i remember lying down

sorry ready now you can do whatever

you want me to do then he passed by

and the only thing he did was to

spit on me

whatever material he would see in front

of him

like a wooden stick he would grab it his

belt that has

a sailor

sailor encore design he would

hit that on us i remember the last time

he really hit me hard my mother covered

me

protected me and when my mother tried to

cover me

the stick broke on her

so that was how hard

his meetings were yes i was

i was a better child i grew up

i grew up hating my father very much

[Music]

foreign

sexual abuse and rape is really highly

unreported because of the stigma

that we as a society attach to it

if you are a boy and you are being

abused it is a sign of weakness

and stupidity our culture says

that to be a boy you have to be strong

you have to protect yourself all the

time you are

to be the hero not to be rescued

so these are the pressures that we have

put on our voice

so therefore when it comes to issues of

abuse emotional problems psychological

problem

boys are not really trained to tell this

openly to us

when we told their parents about the

sexual abuse experience

of their children boy children they said

oh mom never mind

because they are boys boys will be boys

they will not get pregnant

[Music]

i only realize now that one of the

reasons why

i entered high school seminary was i

wanted to escape

on a lot of things to escape our

evidence

unpleasant situation in at home

i wanted to escape probably the

childhood past i thought the seminary

was a

was a state of heaven everything was

nice

pleasant spiritual

but i realized it was not heaven

i realized i well i had

i had a lot of mental problems

during my second year i had to see a

psychotherapist

because i was i was having

panic attacks i was having anxiety

i was depressed i don't know why

i was feeling all those

i was successful because i was

i was addicted to the thought

of of having sex with

my peers i was adventurous

you know i wanted to try there were

nights

that i would crave to satisfy

myself sexually it came to a point that

i would like to look for

that guy i encountered when i was five

years old

so i felt i was just seeking for

pleasure

and the only person

who i could think of

was that person who introduced me to sex

i went to experience the

the gay varsity i experienced hanging

out

with other gay men

i am deciding to tell or share my story

because i have lost

a few students to suicide

because of gender issues

because their parents their family did

not accept them

i had that resentment i had the regret

that how i wished i was able to know

what they were going through how i wish

i was able to tell them also

that i am going through the same

dynamics i really wish

i i had a chance to

you know to be able to speak with them

and probably prevent them from

thinking of committing

suicide instead

[Music]

if i would see again the five-year-old

little airy i would come to him right

away

and embrace him

and tell him it's okay

i am here for you i am here for you now

you will be fine

now and you will be safe with me

we'll face these issues

we're going to tell your story

[Music]

you