7 Stages of a Borderline personality disorder (BPD) Relationship

Summary

Dr. Becky outlines the seven stages of a relationship with someone with BPD: 1) Attraction, a honeymoon phase marked by intense interest and mirroring behaviors. 2) Neediness, characterized by constant demands for attention and sensitivity to criticism. 3) Withdrawing, where the BPD individual pulls back to control the relationship. 4) Devaluing, where minor mistakes lead to sudden devaluation and dismissal. 5) Breakup, abrupt endings or declarations of separation. 6) Repair, where the BPD partner seeks reconciliation, often leading to a shorter honeymoon phase. 7) The cycle repeats, causing emotional turmoil unless one party exits the relationship.

Takeaways

• 🌟 The initial attraction stage in a relationship with someone with BPD is marked by intense feelings and mirroring behaviors.
• 📞 The neediness phase is characterized by frequent calls and texts, and sensitivity to criticism.
• 🏃‍♂️ Withdrawal is a tactic used by individuals with BPD to control the relationship dynamics.
• 📉 The devaluing stage sees a swift shift from idealization to devaluation, often triggered by minor mistakes.
• 💔 The breakup phase can be sudden and leave the partner feeling abandoned and heartbroken.
• 🔄 The repair phase involves the BPD individual reaching out to rekindle the relationship, often after a period of reflection.
• 🔁 The cycle of relationship stages can repeat, with each honeymoon phase becoming progressively shorter.
• 🚫 Opting out of the chaotic relationship dynamic is a choice some individuals make to seek emotional stability.
• 🤝 The responsibility for a healthy relationship lies with both parties, especially the individual with BPD who needs to seek help.
• 🔄 The emotional chaos from the cycle of breakups and makeups can persist for years if both parties are unwilling to change.

Q & A

What is the first stage of a relationship with someone who has BPD?

The first stage is the attraction stage, also known as the honeymoon phase, where there is a strong level of attraction and the person with BPD might mirror the interests and mannerisms of their partner.

How does the neediness phase manifest in a relationship with someone with BPD?

In the neediness phase, the person with BPD may exhibit constant need for attention, frequent calls and texts, and be very sensitive to criticism, which can impact their self-esteem.

What does the withdrawing stage look like in the context of BPD?

During the withdrawing stage, the person with BPD might pull back from the relationship to try and control it. This withdrawal can elicit a reaction from their partner, making them feel loved and in control.

Can you describe the devaluing stage in a relationship with someone who has BPD?

The devaluing stage follows a period of intense romance and can occur after a minor mistake. The person with BPD may suddenly see their partner as worthless, treating them very differently and causing emotional pain.

What typically happens during the breakup stage in a BPD relationship?

In the breakup stage, the person with BPD might either disappear without warning or announce a breakup. This can be very heartbreaking for their partner, especially if they were providing emotional support.

How does the repair stage differ from the previous stages in a BPD relationship?

The repair stage occurs after some time has passed, where the person with BPD reconsiders their previous actions and decides they want their partner back. They may reach out more reasonably and try to mend the relationship.

What is the outcome of the repair stage in a BPD relationship?

If the repair is successful, it might lead to another honeymoon phase, but this time it is typically shorter than the initial one, indicating the cycle may repeat but with diminishing positive periods.

What happens in the seventh stage of a BPD relationship cycle?

The seventh stage is characterized by the entire cycle starting over again if both parties allow it. This includes another honeymoon phase, idolization, devaluation, and the cycle of drama continuing.

Why does the cycle of a BPD relationship tend to repeat?

The cycle repeats due to the dynamic between the two individuals, where both may be unwilling to walk away from the relationship, leading to a continuous pattern of breakups and makeups.

How can someone with BPD take responsibility for their part in the relationship cycle?

A person with BPD can take responsibility by recognizing their role in the relationship's chaos, seeking help to understand and manage their behaviors, and working towards building a healthier relationship.

What advice would you give to someone in a relationship with a person who has BPD?

It's important for the partner of someone with BPD to understand the stages of the relationship cycle, set boundaries, communicate openly, and encourage their partner to seek professional help to manage BPD symptoms.

Outlines

00:00

🌟 Stages of Relationship with BPD

Dr. Becky discusses the seven stages commonly observed in relationships with individuals who have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Stage one is the Attraction phase, often perceived as a honeymoon period characterized by intense attraction and mirroring behavior. Stage two, the Neediness phase, is marked by constant seeking of attention and sensitivity to criticism. Stage three, Withdrawing, involves the BPD individual pulling back to control the relationship and elicit reactions from their partner. Stage four, Devaluing, is when the BPD partner suddenly perceives their significant other as worthless following a minor mistake. Stage five, Breakup, is characterized by the BPD individual leaving the relationship or announcing a breakup, often due to a need for the chase and hunt for love. Stage six, Repair, is when the BPD partner reconsiders their previous actions and attempts to mend the relationship, possibly leading to another honeymoon phase. Stage seven indicates a repetition of the cycle if both parties allow it, leading to a shorter honeymoon phase and continued emotional turmoil.

05:03

🤔 Responsibility and Help-Seeking in BPD Relationships

This paragraph emphasizes the importance of personal responsibility and seeking help for individuals with BPD to transform their relationships into healthier ones. It suggests that people with BPD are often vulnerable and may not intend to cause distress, but the dynamics of their relationships can be challenging. It is implied that unless the person with BPD takes significant steps towards self-improvement and help, the relationship may continue to be difficult and chaotic.

Keywords

💡Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition characterized by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships. In the context of the video, BPD is the central theme as it explores the various stages of a relationship with someone who has this condition. The video aims to educate viewers on how BPD can affect romantic relationships, causing intense emotional experiences and instability.

💡Attraction Stage

The Attraction Stage is the first phase in a relationship with someone with BPD, often described as the honeymoon phase. It is characterized by intense feelings of love and attraction. The video describes this stage as positive, where the person with BPD may mirror their partner's interests to win them over, illustrating the strong desire to form a bond.

💡Neediness Phase

The Neediness Phase is the second stage described in the video, where the person with BPD exhibits a constant need for attention and is highly sensitive to criticism. This phase can be challenging for the partner as it involves frequent communication and a heightened need for reassurance, reflecting the individual's struggle with self-esteem and fear of abandonment.

💡Withdrawing

Withdrawing is a behavior observed in stage three of the relationship. The person with BPD may pull back from the relationship to exert control or as a reaction to perceived threats. The video explains that this withdrawal can elicit a reaction from the partner, which can temporarily reassure the person with BPD that they are loved, highlighting the complex dynamics at play.

💡Devaluing Stage

The Devaluing Stage is when the person with BPD suddenly perceives their partner as worthless after a minor mistake, leading to a dramatic shift in their treatment of the partner. The video uses this term to illustrate how quickly the perception of love can turn into devaluation, causing emotional turmoil and pain for the partner.

💡Breakup

The term 'Breakup' refers to the fifth stage where the person with BPD may abruptly end the relationship or disappear without explanation. The video suggests that this breakup can be particularly heartbreaking as it often occurs after a period of intense romantic idolization, leaving the partner to grapple with the sudden loss and emotional whiplash.

💡Repair

Repair is the sixth stage where the person with BPD may seek to rekindle the relationship after a breakup. The video describes this as a period of reconciliation where the individual recognizes the partner's value again and attempts to mend the relationship, often leading to a cycle of repeated honeymoon phases and instability.

💡Cycle

The Cycle refers to the repeated pattern of stages that a relationship with someone with BPD can go through. The video explains that if both parties allow it, the relationship can enter a cycle of makeup and breakup, idolization and devaluation, causing ongoing emotional chaos. This keyword is central to understanding the relentless and repetitive nature of the relationship dynamics.

💡Emotional Chaos

Emotional Chaos describes the turmoil and instability that can result from the cyclical nature of a relationship with someone with BPD. The video uses this term to convey the intense emotional ups and downs experienced by both the person with BPD and their partner, emphasizing the difficulty of maintaining a stable connection.

💡Mirroring

Mirroring is a behavior exhibited in the Attraction Stage where the person with BPD mimics their partner's interests and mannerisms. The video explains that this is an attempt to win over the partner by aligning with their preferences, reflecting a lack of confidence in their own interests and a desire to form a bond.

💡Sensitivity to Criticism

Sensitivity to Criticism is a key characteristic of the Neediness Phase, where even minor negative comments can significantly impact the person with BPD's self-esteem. The video highlights how this sensitivity can lead to defensive reactions or withdrawal, illustrating the fragility of the individual's self-concept and the potential for conflict in the relationship.

Highlights

The honeymoon phase is the most positive phase in a relationship with someone with BPD.

In the attraction stage, the BPD individual may mirror their partner's interests and mannerisms.

The neediness phase is characterized by constant calls, texts, and a need for attention.

Criticism can be very sensitively received during the neediness phase, impacting self-esteem.

Withdrawing is an attempt to control the relationship in the next stage.

In the devaluing stage, a small mistake can lead to the partner being perceived as worthless.

The devaluing stage can be very painful as it follows a period of intense romance.

The breakup stage may involve the BPD individual disappearing or announcing the end of the relationship.

The repair stage sees the BPD individual wanting the partner back after some time has passed.

The repaired relationship may lead to another honeymoon phase, but it is typically shorter.

The cycle of relationship stages can repeat, with each honeymoon phase getting shorter.

The cycle can continue for years unless one person decides to opt out of the drama.

The emotional chaos caused by the cycle can be overwhelming for both individuals involved.

People with BPD are vulnerable and may not intend to cause distress in relationships.

Seeking help and taking responsibility can turn a relationship with BPD into a healthier one.

Transcripts

hi I'm Dr Becky I'm a registered

psychologist and I'm going to talk about

the seven stages that you might commonly

see when you're having a relationship

with someone who has borderline

personality disorder BPD stage number

one is the attraction stage where it's

definitely the honeymoon phase and by

all means the most positive phase of the

entire relationship you will see strong

levels of Attraction here it can feel

quite intense and you might notice some

mirroring so actually the person with

BPD might take interest in the things

that you're interested in and copy some

of your mannerisms because they don't

necessarily have the confidence

themselves to decide what they're

interested in so they like to go along

with the things that you like because

they're trying to win you over at this

phase stage number two is the neediness

phase in this phase there might be a lot

of calls and text and a constant need

for attention in this phase you might

also start to see a sensitive to

criticism so if you comment on your BPD

partner's behavior in a way that's less

than positive you might see that the

person is actually very sensitive to

being criticized and that their

self-esteem is impacted by comments that

might be perceived negatively stage

number three is withdrawing and we're

holding at this stage of the

relationship the person with borderline

personality disorder might move back

from the relationship as an attempt to

try and control the relationship if they

withdraw from their relationship they

actually get a reaction from their

partner which helps them feel like

they're loved but they also start to see

that they can kind of control and

manipulate the relationship by

withdrawing in this way stage number

four is the devaluing stage the

devaluing stage comes after this intense

romantic relationship everything is

going really well and you think you've

met the love of your life and all of a

sudden you do something small wrong and

in the eyes of of your borderline

personality sort of partner this is

awful and you are of no value to them

anymore in which case they'll start to

treat you very differently and this is

going to be really painful for you to

experience because one minute you were

idolized and now you are of no value to

this person anymore their love seems to

have disappeared and they perceive you

in an extremely different light than

they did just a few days ago stage

number five is the breakup this is where

the BPD person will either disappear and

just leave the relationship without

mentioning anything or else they will

announce that they're breaking up with

you this can be incredibly heartbreaking

for you because you might have actually

been someone who is willing to provide

for them emotionally and support them

however that's not written in line with

their needs they need to actually feel

that they're chasing and hunting someone

down for love and therefore those needs

of hunting and chasing love may be we

met somewhere else and that might be why

they're leaving the relationship it

might be that the relationship that

you're offering them feels far too easy

for them and doesn't actually trigger

the pain that their life experienced in

early life stage number six is the

repair so after some time has passed and

your borderline personality disorder

Partners feelings have changed they will

decide that I actually you weren't so

bad after all and they want you back so

then they will move towards you again

and they'll need more attention from you

at this point which of course is going

to be really confusing so they will send

messages or reach out to you in a way

that's far more reasonable than the last

contact and they've had with you they'll

be more open to talking before they'll

be more reasonable and they will try and

repair the relationship and this might

actually lead to another honeymoon phase

and the whole cycle starts again but

actually this honeymoon phase is going

to be shorter than the first time round

so don't expect that things are going to

go back to how they were in the

beginning stage number seven is that the

whole entire cycle starts over and over

again if both people allow it to and

then we see it all play out again all

those stages will have a shorter

honeymoon stage we'll have the

idolization we'll have the devaluation

and uh we will have all this drama and

this could go on for years and years and

years depending on the people that are

involved in this Dynamic sometimes one

person will opt out of this and they

will see the chaos that's happening in

their life and they will opt out of

having a highly dramatic relationship

however if both people are unwilling to

walk away you will see the start stop of

the relationship break up makeup pattern

that goes on again and again and again

and it causes absolute emotional chaos

for both people involved I'm not

necessarily just blaming people with

borderline personality disorder they are

really vulnerable and they're not

necessarily intending to make someone's

life hell but being in a relationship

with someone with wordline personality

disorder can be very difficult unless

the person with BPD takes a lot of

responsibility for what they experience

and seeks a lot of help in trying to

turn that relationship into a healthy

one