Let's get honest about our money problems | Tammy Lally

Summary

In this poignant talk, the speaker shares her family's struggle with money shame, leading to her brother's tragic suicide. She discusses the impact of subconscious financial beliefs formed in childhood and how they dictate adult behaviors. The speaker advocates for open conversations about money, self-forgiveness, and breaking the cycle of shame. She encourages individuals to examine their earliest money memories to understand their current attitudes and to use this insight to change their relationship with money, ultimately freeing themselves from the destructive patterns that can lead to dire consequences.

Takeaways

• 💔 The speaker's brother Keith, in financial distress, asked for a loan and later committed suicide, highlighting the devastating impact of money-related stress.
• 🏦 The family's money-shame cycle contributed to Keith's tragic end, indicating the deep psychological effects of financial issues.
• 📈 There's been a nearly 40% increase in suicide rates among adults aged 40 to 64 since 1999, with job loss and financial crises being significant factors.
• 🤔 The speaker emphasizes that financial behaviors are influenced more by subconscious beliefs formed in childhood rather than rational thought.
• 🏡 Money shame is defined as the feeling of being unworthy due to one's financial status, which can affect people regardless of their income level.
• 🚫 The speaker admits to having played the role of a financial rescuer in the family, which was a manifestation of her own money shame.
• 🔄 The speaker's personal journey of overcoming money shame involved self-inquiry, surrender, faith, and forgiveness, showing a path to healing.
• 💼 The importance of open conversations about money is stressed, as secrecy and shame only exacerbate financial problems.
• 🔑 Following the path of one's money can reveal underlying values and emotional drivers behind spending, which is a key step in addressing money shame.
• 📚 The concept of a 'money autobiography' is introduced as a tool for understanding personal financial beliefs and behaviors rooted in early life experiences.
• 🌟 The speaker calls for individuals to take the initiative to break the cycle of money shame in their families, advocating for change and self-empowerment.

Q & A

What was the immediate cause for Tam's brother Keith to call her for help?

Keith called Tam because he was in dire financial straits and needed to borrow $7,500, which was a significant amount that indicated the urgency of his situation.

How did Tam initially respond to her brother's financial crisis?

Tam agreed to loan him the money but under the condition that she would meet with him and his wife to understand their financial situation better and guide them through a budget conversation.

What was the outcome of the meeting at Starbucks between Tam, Keith, and his wife?

The meeting became a tense blame game between Keith and his wife, with Tam oscillating between the roles of a therapist and an angry sister, which ultimately did not lead to a resolution but increased the emotional distress.

Why did Keith feel hurt and ganged-up on after the Starbucks meeting?

Keith felt hurt and ganged-up on because Tam's tough-love approach and her suggestions for financial changes, which included selling the house and giving up luxuries, shamed him and made him feel judged rather than supported.

What tragic event occurred two months after the Starbucks meeting?

Keith committed suicide, which was a devastating outcome that left his family, including his children and wife, to grapple with the aftermath and search for answers.

What did Tam discover in Keith's garage that provided insight into his financial state?

Tam found a stack of overdue credit card bills and a foreclosure notice, which indicated the severity of Keith's financial troubles and the pressure he was under.

How does Tam define 'money shame'?

Tam defines 'money shame' as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that one is flawed and unworthy of love and belonging based on their financial status, such as bank account balances, debts, and job titles.

What role did Tam's family's beliefs about money play in shaping her and Keith's financial behaviors?

Tam and Keith were influenced by their family's belief that 'more money will make us happy,' leading them to equate their self-worth with their net worth and develop self-destructive financial behaviors.

How did Tam's experience with money shame personally affect her after her brother's death?

After her brother's death, Tam faced her own financial crisis during the recession, which led her to lose her business and confront bankruptcy. She experienced fear and shame, staying silent about her struggles while maintaining a facade of normalcy.

What steps did Tam take to break free from money shame?

Tam let go of her need to know all the answers, accepted help, and conducted a deep self-inquiry into her family's money history and her own money beliefs. She also emphasized the importance of surrender, faith, and forgiveness in letting go of the past.

What advice does Tam give to others who might be struggling with money shame?

Tam advises people to follow their dollars to understand their values, get curious about their feelings when spending, and to explore their 'money autobiography' by reflecting on their earliest childhood money memories and the beliefs they formed.

Outlines

00:00

💸 Money Shame and Family Crisis

The speaker recounts a personal story of lending money to her brother Keith, who was in financial distress. The urgency and shame in his voice were alarming, especially on his 40th birthday. Despite agreeing to help, the speaker imposed a condition to meet and discuss his financial situation. During a meeting at Starbucks, she offered tough-love advice, suggesting downsizing and cutting expenses. This led to a blame game and emotional turmoil. After the meeting, Keith felt shamed and ganged-up on, leading to tragic consequences: he committed suicide. The speaker discovered his financial troubles, including overdue bills and a foreclosure notice, and realized the impact of family's money-shame cycle. She highlights the rise in suicide rates among middle-aged adults, often linked to financial stressors. The speaker introduces the concept of 'money shame' as defined by Dr. Brené Brown, and extends it to financial situations, suggesting it's a subconscious belief system rooted in childhood that affects adult financial behaviors.

05:03

💰 Breaking Free from Money Shame

The speaker defines money shame as the painful feeling of being unworthy based on financial status. She provides examples of money shame, such as always paying for others or living beyond one's means to appear successful. The speaker shares her own struggle with money shame after losing her business during a recession, which led to feelings of terror and silence. She emphasizes the need to let go of the need to know all the answers and to accept help. The process involves self-inquiry into family's money history and beliefs. The speaker calls for open conversations about money, honesty about financial struggles, and stopping the numbing of pain. She suggests surrendering, having faith, and forgiving as ways to let go of the past and break free from the cycle of debt and money shame. The speaker encourages following the money trail to understand values and to explore deeper emotional connections with spending. She introduces the concept of a 'money autobiography' as a tool for uncovering early money memories and beliefs.

10:06

🌟 Overcoming Money Beliefs and Serving a Purpose

The speaker delves into the origins of money beliefs, using her family's experiences as examples. She discusses how her brother and she internalized the belief that self-worth is tied to net worth, leading to different financial behaviors. The speaker reflects on a past meeting with her brother, realizing he needed compassion and a breakthrough from suffering, not judgment or a budget. She shares her journey of profound forgiveness and living on purpose, where she serves and is served by money. The speaker concludes by encouraging the audience to be the one to break the money-shame cycle in their families, emphasizing that change, although difficult, is vital for some families.

Keywords

💡Money Shame

Money shame refers to the intense feeling of inadequacy or embarrassment stemming from one's financial situation. In the video, the speaker defines it as believing that one is flawed and unworthy of love and belonging based on their financial status. This concept is central to the narrative as it drives the speaker's personal journey and the story of her brother's tragic end, illustrating the profound emotional impact of societal and familial attitudes towards money.

💡Secrecy

Secrecy in this context is the act of keeping one's financial troubles hidden from others. The speaker mentions her family's rules around money and secrecy, suggesting a cultural or familial norm that prevents open discussion about financial issues. This secrecy can exacerbate money shame and prevent individuals from seeking help, as seen with the speaker's brother who kept his financial struggles a secret until it was too late.

💡Tough-Love Budget Conversation

This term describes a direct and potentially harsh financial advice session intended to help someone face reality and make necessary changes. The speaker uses this approach with her brother, suggesting he sell his house and cut back on expenses. However, it leads to a blame game and emotional distress, highlighting the complexity of addressing financial issues with loved ones and the potential for such conversations to cause further harm.

💡Suicide

The video discusses the tragic outcome of unaddressed money shame and financial stress, with the speaker's brother committing suicide. This keyword is a stark reminder of the severe consequences that can result from the intersection of personal financial struggles and mental health issues, underscoring the urgency of addressing money shame and the need for support systems.

💡Subconscious Belief Systems

These are the deep-seated, often unexamined assumptions and beliefs that shape our behavior, including how we handle money. The speaker suggests that financial troubles are not just logical problems but are rooted in these subconscious beliefs formed during childhood. This concept is crucial for understanding how money shame is internalized and perpetuated, affecting one's entire adult life.

💡Money-Autography

The speaker coins this term to refer to an individual's personal financial history and the narratives they construct around money. By exploring one's money autobiography, one can uncover early influences and formative experiences that contribute to their current money beliefs and behaviors. This process is part of breaking free from money shame and understanding one's relationship with money.

💡Forgiveness

Forgiveness is presented as a critical step in overcoming money shame and the cycle of financial self-destruction. The speaker talks about the need to forgive oneself and others to be free from the past, which is often tied to financial decisions and behaviors. Forgiveness allows for letting go of the emotional burdens associated with past financial mistakes or the financial behaviors of others.

💡Self-Worth

Self-worth, as discussed in the video, is the intrinsic value and self-esteem one holds, which is often mistakenly equated with net worth in many societies. The speaker's family believed that more money would equate to happiness, leading to the belief that self-worth is tied to financial success. This keyword is central to understanding money shame as it relates to the internalized value one places on themselves based on their financial status.

💡Numbing

Numbing refers to the act of avoiding or dulling emotional pain through various means, such as substance abuse or excessive spending. In the video, the speaker's mother numbed her pain with sugar and shopping, while her brother used alcohol. This keyword illustrates how individuals might cope with money shame and financial stress, often in unhealthy ways that can exacerbate their problems.

💡Breaking the Cycle

Breaking the cycle implies interrupting the pattern of destructive behaviors or beliefs that have been passed down through generations. The speaker emphasizes the importance of individual action to change one's financial narrative and beliefs, which can help to break the cycle of money shame within a family. This concept is central to the message of empowerment and change that the speaker advocates.

💡Compassion

Compassion is the empathetic understanding and desire to alleviate another's suffering. The speaker reflects on her brother's need for compassion rather than judgment during their budget conversation. This keyword is crucial as it contrasts with the tough-love approach and highlights the importance of emotional support and understanding in addressing money shame and financial struggles.

Highlights

The speaker shares a personal story of breaking family rules around money, secrecy, and shame.

A brother's desperate call for financial help on his 40th birthday reveals the severity of his situation.

The speaker agrees to lend money but insists on a budget meeting to understand the financial issues.

A tough-love budget conversation leads to a blame game and emotional distress among family members.

The brother's suicide after the financial intervention highlights the tragic consequences of money shame.

Statistics reveal a rise in suicide rates among middle-aged adults, often linked to financial stress.

The speaker explains that financial behaviors are driven by subconscious beliefs formed in childhood.

Money shame is defined as the feeling of being unworthy based on financial status.

Examples of money shame include always paying for others and living beyond one's means.

The speaker's own experience with bankruptcy and money shame after her brother's death.

The importance of letting go of the need to know all the answers and accepting help.

The need for open conversations about money to break the taboo and shame cycle.

The process of surrender, faith, and forgiveness as a path to letting go of past financial burdens.

Following the money trail to understand personal values and spending habits.

The concept of a 'money autobiography' to uncover early money beliefs and their impact on adult financial behavior.

The realization that breaking the family money shame cycle is vital for change and can prevent further tragedy.

The speaker's call to action for individuals to take the initiative to break free from money shame.

Transcripts

Have you every had to break your family's rules?

Today, I'm breaking mine,

around money, secrecy and shame.

In 2006, on my brother Keith's 40th birthday, he called.

"Tam, I'm in dire straits.

I wouldn't ask unless I had to.

Can I borrow 7,500 dollars?"

This wasn't the first time he needed quick cash,

but this time, his voice frightened me.

I had never heard him so beaten down and shameful,

and it was on his 40th birthday.

After a few basic questions that we would all ask,

I agreed to loan him the money, but under one condition:

that as the financial professional in the family,

I wanted to meet with him and his wife

to see what was really happening.

Weeks later, we met at the local Starbucks,

and I started right in with the tough-love budget conversation.

"You should sell the house, downsize to something you can afford,

sell the toys.

And Starbucks?

Give up the five-dollar-a-day coffee."

You know, all the trappings that we do to keep up with the Joneses.

Quickly, my brother and his wife went into a fearsome blame game,

and it got messy.

I vacillated between therapist and pissed-off sister.

I wanted them to be better than this.

"Come on, you two. Get your shit together.

You're parents.

Grow up and buck up."

After we left, I called my mom,

but Keith beat me to it,

and he told her that I wasn't helpful.

In fact, he was hurt and felt ganged-up on.

Of course he did. I shamed him with my tough-love budget conversation.

Two months went by when I received a call.

"Tam? I have bad news.

Keith committed suicide last night."

Days later, at his home, I went looking for answers,

in his "office" -- the garage.

There, I found a stack of overdue credit card bills

and a foreclosure notice served to him on the day that he died.

My brother left behind his beautiful 10-year-old daughter,

his brilliant 18-year-old son, weeks before his high school graduation,

and his wife of 20 years.

How did this happen?

My brother was caught in our family's money-shame cycle,

and he was far from alone in this.

Suicide rates among adults ages 40 to 64

have risen nearly 40 percent since 1999.

Job loss, bankruptcy and foreclosures

were present in nearly 40 percent of the deaths,

with white middle-aged men accounting for seven out of 10 suicides.

What I've learned

is that our self-destructive and self-defeating financial behaviors

are not driven by our rational, logical minds.

Instead, they are a product of our subconscious belief systems

rooted in our childhoods

and so deeply ingrained in us,

they shape the way that we deal with money our entire adult lives,

and so many of you are left believing that you're lazy,

crazy or stupid -- or just bad with money.

This is what I call money shame.

Dr. Brené Brown, a well-known shame researcher,

defines shame as "the intensely painful feeling or experience

of believing that we are flawed,

and therefore unworthy of love and belonging."

Based on this definition, here's how I'm defining money shame:

"the intensely painful feeling or experience

of believing that we are flawed,

and therefore unworthy of love and belonging,

based on our bank account balances,

our debts, our homes, our cars

and our job titles."

Let me give you a couple of examples of what I mean.

I believe that we all have money shame,

whether you earn 10,000 dollars a year or 10 million,

and it's because we give money all of our power.

Here's what it would look like if someone that you love, or you,

might have money shame.

They play the big shot, always picking up the check,

financially rescuing family and friends.

They are financially secure,

but they live in a state of chronic not-enoughness.

They drive a Mercedes, but their budget really only can afford a Honda.

And they're looking good at every cost.

I know that we can break free from the grips of money shame,

because I did.

Shortly after my brother's death, the Recession hit.

I lost my business and faced bankruptcy.

Secretly, I was terrified.

I stayed in my home for a year, thinking I did something wrong,

told myself, "What did you do? What happened?"

I stayed silent, while all along, I went outside and smiled.

Nobody knew.

That's money shame.

So what I had to do was let go of the grip that I had

on knowing all the answers.

I was the know-it-all in my family,

and I had to give up the idea that a new financial plan

was the solution.

And so just like everything in my life, for me,

I was sent a human to help,

and I accepted the help,

but I had to do major self-inquiry

about my family's money history

and my money beliefs.

We have to start having this conversation.

Money can no longer be a taboo topic.

We have to get honest with each other that we're suffering with money issues,

and let's get real -- we have to stop numbing out our pain.

In order to uncover the painful parts

of your money story and your money history,

you can't be numb.

We have to let go of our past in order to be free.

Letting go of the past happens through surrender,

faith and forgiveness.

Debt is the tangible manifestation of not forgiving.

If you have debt, you've not completely forgiven your past,

so it's our work to forgive ourselves and others

so that we can live freely.

Otherwise, our history will continue to repeat.

This is not a quick fix, and I know we all want one,

but it's a slow wake-up.

This is another level of work.

We have to go higher to get it,

to get at it.

So try this: follow your dollars.

Your money will show you right away what you value.

Where's it going?

And then ask yourself: Do I really value all this stuff?

And get curious about what you're feeling when you're spending.

Are you lonely?

Are you bored?

Or are you just excited?

But there's deeper work that needs to happen.

How did you get all these money beliefs to begin with?

I call this your money autobiography,

and as a money coach, this is the first step I take with my clients.

Think back to your earliest childhood money memory.

What did it feel like when you got money?

Were you excited, proud or confused?

And what did you do with the money?

Did you run with the candy store, or did you run to the bank?

And what did you hear your parents say,

and what did you see your parents do with the money?

My brother and I heard,

"More money will make us happy."

Every day.

"More money will make us happy."

And we internalized that into the money belief

that our self worth was equal to our net worth

as we watched our mom live in a state of chronic not-enoughness.

And she numbed the pain with sugar and shopping.

So what did we do?

Keith played out my mother's life.

He was an underearner, longed to be financially rescued,

and he numbed out the pain with alcohol.

I did the opposite.

I became a high earner,

rescuer,

and I numbed the pain out with self-help books.

But what we had in common was our money belief.

We both believed that our bank account balance

was equal to our self worth.

Looking back at the Starbucks meeting with my brother ...

he didn't need a budget and my judgment.

He needed a breakthrough from his suffering,

and he needed my compassion.

Keith was not able to be the one to speak up

and break our family money shame cycle,

so he left me to do the work and share his legacy.

Change is difficult,

but in my family, not changing is fatal.

So I did the work,

and I have experienced deep and profound forgiveness,

and as I stand here today,

I am living on purpose,

I serve, and money serves me.

It only takes one person in your family

to break through the money-shame cycle.

I want you to be the one.

Thank you.

(Applause)