If An Avoidant Does THIS, They’re Not Coming Back

Summary

This script delves into the behaviors of avoidant individuals, particularly in the context of relationships. It discusses the likelihood of avoidants ghosting and not returning, with a 70% chance based on a subreddit survey. The reasons for ghosting include emotional discomfort and fear of intimacy. The script also touches on the concept of avoidants rewriting history post-ghosting, detaching emotionally by downplaying past significance. It concludes with a poignant reflection on the avoidant's internal struggle and the ultimate realization of the importance of shared connections.

Takeaways

• 🔍 The script discusses avoidant attachment and its impact on relationships, focusing on ghosting behavior.
• 👻 Avoidant individuals are likely to ghost, with a 70% chance of never reaching out again after ghosting.
• 📊 Definitions of ghosting among avoidant people vary, but most see it as ending a relationship suddenly without explanation.
• 🌐 The avoidant attachment subreddit is highlighted as a resource for understanding the avoidant perspective on relationships and ghosting.
• 📉 Avoidants often ghost due to emotional discomfort, feeling overwhelmed, low self-worth, or fear of not meeting others' needs.
• 📚 The story of Christopher McCandless is used as a metaphor for the avoidant's struggle with connection and solitude.
• 💔 Ghosting can create a sense of scarcity, making the avoidant seem more valuable and potentially leading to a 'chaser' dynamic.
• 🔄 There's a high likelihood of recurring breakups if an avoidant returns to a relationship without resolving their attachment issues.
• 📝 Avoidants may rewrite history after ghosting, downplaying the importance of the relationship to emotionally detach.
• 🌱 The script suggests that avoidants may eventually realize the importance of shared connections, similar to McCandless's epiphany in 'Into the Wild'.

Q & A

What are the two actions that an avoidant person might take to completely cut someone out of their life?

The two actions are ghosting and rewriting history with the person they're cutting out.

What percentage of avoidant individuals, according to the subreddit study, never reach out after ghosting someone?

69% of avoidant individuals never reach out after ghosting someone.

How do avoidant individuals generally define ghosting?

80% of avoidant individuals define ghosting as ending a relationship suddenly without an explanation.

What are the common reasons avoidant individuals ghost someone, as identified in the subreddit study?

Common reasons include emotional discomfort or conflict, feeling overwhelmed by the other person's attachment or expectations, a belief that the other person deserves better, low self-worth, and fear of not being able to meet the other person's needs.

What is the term used to describe behaviors or thoughts that are used to avoid intimacy?

The term used is 'deactivating strategies'.

What is the significance of the book 'Into the Wild' in relation to avoidant attachment?

The protagonist, Christopher McCandless, is seen as a perfect example of a dismissive avoidant, who seeks isolation and shuns close relationships.

What does the avoidant person's rewriting of history with someone signify?

It signifies deep emotional closure and a way for them to finalize their departure, ensuring there's no reason to return.

What is the likelihood of hearing from an avoidant person again if they ghost you?

There's a 70% chance that you'll never hear from them again if an avoidant person ghosts you.

What is the paradox that exists inside avoidant individuals?

The paradox is the coexistence of the need to be loved with the need to be alone.

What advice do avoidant individuals generally give to someone who has been ghosted by them?

The general consensus is to give them space, but with a 70% chance of never hearing back, it becomes a moot point.

What is the 'forever alone train' mentioned in the script?

It refers to the underlying fear that avoidants have that they're going to be alone forever, despite having the ability to change that.

Outlines

00:00

🔎 Understanding Avoidant Attachment and Ghosting

The paragraph discusses the study of avoidant attachment, focusing on how avoidant individuals handle breakups and the concept of ghosting. It highlights the lack of specific studies on avoidant attachment and the reliance on forums and social media for real-life insights. The avoidant attachment subreddit is introduced as a valuable resource, where a thread asking avoidant individuals about their experiences with ghosting provides a unique perspective. The study reveals that 69% of avoidant individuals never reach out after ghosting, suggesting a high likelihood of permanent disconnection. Definitions of ghosting vary, but most avoidants see it as either ending a relationship abruptly without explanation or slowly fading away with minimal communication.

05:01

💬 Reasons Behind Avoidant Ghosting

This section delves into the reasons why avoidant individuals ghost others, identifying five core themes: emotional discomfort or conflict, feeling overwhelmed by the other person's attachment or expectations, a belief that the other person deserves better, low self-worth, and fear of not meeting the other person's needs. It also touches on the 'forever alone' narrative that many avoidants seem to internalize, fearing permanent solitude despite the possibility of change. The story of Christopher McCandless from 'Into the Wild' is used as an allegory for the avoidant struggle between the desire for love and the need for solitude, ending with his realization that happiness is only real when shared, a sentiment that contrasts with his earlier avoidant behavior.

10:02

🚫 The Futility of Chasing Ghosted Avoidants

The paragraph addresses the common desire to win back an avoidant partner after being ghosted, questioning the rationale behind such pursuits. It suggests that the lack of explanation from the avoidant partner creates a sense of scarcity, which can lead to a strong, often irrational, reaction to 'fix' the relationship. The paragraph also points out that even if one were to rekindle a relationship with an avoidant who has ghosted, there's a higher chance of another breakup due to unresolved attachment issues. It emphasizes the importance of recognizing the avoidant's rewriting of history as a form of emotional detachment and a rationalization for their actions, which can be deeply hurtful to the person left behind.

15:03

🌟 The Inevitable Realization of Connection's Value

In the final paragraph, the narrative turns to the eventual realization by avoidant individuals of the importance of connection and shared experiences. It uses Christopher McCandless's final journal entry as a symbol of this epiphany, suggesting that even those with strong avoidant tendencies can come to understand the value of relationships. The paragraph offers a hopeful message for those who have been ghosted, encouraging them to move on and find fulfillment in connections that are valued and reciprocated, rather than dwelling on the avoidant's eventual, but often too late, recognition of the need for intimacy.

Keywords

💡Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant attachment is a term from attachment theory, referring to a pattern of relationship avoidance and emotional detachment. In the video, it is discussed as a central theme, particularly in the context of breakups and how avoidant individuals cope with the end of relationships. The video explores the behaviors and thought processes of avoidant individuals, such as ghosting and rewriting history, which are indicative of their struggle with intimacy and fear of dependency.

💡Ghosting

Ghosting is the act of suddenly cutting off all communication with someone without any explanation, typically in the context of romantic relationships. The video script uses this term to describe a common behavior among avoidant individuals when ending relationships. It is highlighted as a significant action that often leads to permanent separation, with statistics from the script suggesting a high likelihood of never hearing from the avoidant person again after being ghosted.

💡Dismissive Avoidance

Dismissive avoidance is a subtype of avoidant attachment characterized by a denial of need for close relationships and a devaluation of others' importance. In the video, dismissive avoidants are described as those who might return to relationships but do so without resolving their attachment issues, potentially leading to worse behavior and another breakup.

💡Fearful Avoidance

Fearful avoidance is another subtype of avoidant attachment where individuals have a fear of intimacy and being hurt in relationships, leading to avoidance behaviors. The video touches on this concept by discussing the emotional struggles and coping mechanisms of avoidant individuals, suggesting an internal conflict between the desire for connection and the fear of it.

💡Rewriting History

Rewriting history, as mentioned in the video, refers to the process where avoidant individuals mentally or verbally alter the narrative of their past relationships to emotionally detach and rationalize their decisions to move on. This behavior is described as a subtle yet powerful way to deactivation, where they downplay or edit out significant moments of the relationship, indicating a deep emotional closure.

💡Deactivation Strategies

Deactivation strategies are behaviors or thoughts used to suppress intimacy. The video explains that avoidant individuals may employ these strategies to cope with their fear of closeness. An example from the script is the act of rewriting history, which serves to emotionally distance the avoidant person from their past relationships.

💡Emotional Detachment

Emotional detachment is the process of disconnecting emotionally from someone or something. In the context of the video, it is discussed as a common outcome when avoidant individuals ghost or rewrite history, as a means to cope with the discomfort of emotional closeness and to protect themselves from potential pain.

💡Scarcity

Scarcity, in the video, refers to the perception that something is rare or valuable due to its unavailability. It is used to describe the psychological effect that ghosting can have on the person who has been ghosted, making the avoidant person seem more valuable and desirable, which can lead to a stronger desire to reestablish contact.

💡Chasing

Chasing, in the context of the video, describes the behavior of someone who has been ghosted and who then enters a crisis mode, desperately trying to fix the relationship or understand why it ended. This term is used to illustrate the reaction of individuals with secure attachment styles when faced with the sudden and unexplained end of a relationship.

💡Into the Wild

Into the Wild is a nonfiction book referenced in the video as an example of a dismissive avoidant individual, Christopher McCandless. The video uses his story to illustrate the extreme consequences of an avoidant attachment style, where the pursuit of self-sufficiency and isolation can lead to tragic outcomes. His final journal entry, 'Happiness only real when shared,' is highlighted as a profound realization of the importance of human connection.

💡Paradox

Paradox, in the video, refers to the internal conflict experienced by avoidant individuals, where they have a simultaneous need for both love and solitude. This term is used to describe the complex and often contradictory emotions and desires that avoidant individuals struggle with, which can lead to behaviors such as ghosting and rewriting history.

Highlights

Avoidant individuals may never be seen again if they ghost or subtly rewrite history.

Ghosting is often the obvious action that leads to a permanent end in relationships for avoidants.

Avoidant attachment studies are limited, leading to a reliance on real-life case studies from forums and social media.

The avoidant attachment subreddit is a valuable resource for understanding avoidant behaviors.

A study on the subreddit found that 69% of avoidants never reach out after ghosting.

Avoidants define ghosting as either sudden ending without explanation or a slow fade away.

The reasons for ghosting include emotional discomfort, feeling overwhelmed, low self-worth, and fear of not meeting needs.

Avoidants often fear being alone forever, yet struggle to maintain close relationships.

The story of Christopher McCandless illustrates the tragic consequences of extreme avoidant behavior.

Avoidants may rewrite history by downplaying the significance of shared experiences after ghosting.

Rewriting history serves to emotionally detach avoidants and rationalize their decision to move on.

There's a high chance of another breakup if an avoidant returns after ghosting due to unresolved attachment issues.

The avoidant's rewriting of history can leave the other person questioning the significance of their past relationship.

Avoidants may eventually realize the importance of shared connections, but it might be too late for the relationship.

The hope is that by the time avoidants recognize the value of connection, the other person has already moved on.

Transcripts

I've been studying avoidance now for

upwards of six years and really there

are two things that they can do that

pretty much guarantees you're never

going to see them again now the first

thing is a very obvious easily measured

action and the other is really subtle

often overlooked let's start with the

obvious one first so if they ghost you

they're likely not coming back now that

may seem obvious right but like with all

things it's the Nuance that matters see

my fundamental problem with the study of

attachment theory is that there's not a

lot of avoidant specific studies

especially in the context of breakups or

how avoid an individual's process and

cope with the end of relationships I

mean sure there are reputable resources

you can rely on but often those

resources study attachment Theory as a

whole so where does that really leave us

well it leaves us scanning forums and

social media groups searching for

Relevant real life case studies where

people share their experiences hoping to

find patterns or advice that resonates

with their situation basically all you

can really do if you want to figure out

what triggers avoidance to make them

leave and never come back is crowd

source and that leads me to this the

avoidant attachment subreddit which

according to its own rules is considered

a safe space for avoidant attachers and

contains over

29,000 members I mean quite literally

this is a small corner cor of the

internet where dismissive avoidance or

fearful avoidance gather and give you

their unfiltered thoughts on everything

from breakups and emotional struggles to

coping mechanisms and relationship

Dynamics now one thread in here caught

my attention in particular this one ask

avoidance fa AQ ghosting so someone

decided to ask the avoidance on the

subreddit a series of five questions

number one what is your personal

definition of ghosting number two do you

or did you in the past ghost people

number three what were your reasons for

ghosting number four if you've ghosted

someone what should that person do and

finally number five how long if at all

does it take you to resurface and reach

out why now there were 19 total

responses from the avoidance so I

wouldn't necessarily call it

comprehensive research but it does offer

a pretty unique glimpse into their

experiences and thought processes

now originally I was drawn to this

thread really because of two questions

number two do you or did you in the past

ghost people and number five how long if

at all does it take you to resurface and

reach out you see my thinking was this

with question number two we could

establish a baseline of how normal it is

for avoidance to Ghost and to No One

shock every single avoidant that

answered that thread said they had

ghosted someone in the past that's 19

out of 19 the reason well they basically

cited all kinds of personal and

emotional reasons to be honest with you

that's not the interesting part the real

interesting data occurs with question

number five so theoretically with

question number five you could determine

if an avoiding ghosting you is

essentially this kiss of death for a

relationship because of enough avoidance

never reach out after the said ghosting

they'd be gone from your life forever

here's what I found 19 avoidance

answered out of those 19 13 said they

never reached out which is good for 69%

one said they reached out under specific

circumstances which is good for 5% and

five said they always reach to back out

which is good for 26% so if you round

that up that basically means that if an

avoidant ghosts you there's a 70% chance

that you'll never hear from them again

now pretty much what that means is that

if an avoidant ghosts you it's very very

bad you're likely never going to hear

from them again but how do avoidant

Define ghosting well we need to look at

question number one in the thread for

that their answers were all over the

place you got this guy who defines

ghosting as ending a relationship by

cutting off all contact without

informing the other person you're ending

it so here it seems to be more about

cutting off contact or ending a

relationship without any kind of

explanation oh and then you've got this

dude just stopping contact like I might

Loosely reply because that's polite but

it'll be a lot more vague and I won't

directly say we won't meet up ever again

but I just won't be available and then

it'll just Peter out so basically the

slow Fade Away pretty much all the

definitions of ghosting in this thread

were divided into these two categories

ending relationship suddenly without an

explanation and slowly fading away with

minimal conversation out of the 19 15

which is good for 80% said they defined

ghosting as ending a relationship

suddenly without explanation three

people said they just slowly faded away

that's good for 15% and one actually

didn't Define it at all so that's 5%

okay so it's pretty clear that most

avoidance 80% of them Define ghosting as

a situation where they end a

relationship suddenly without an

explanation if you happen to be in that

situation then there's a 70% chance

you're never hearing from them again but

wait what are the reasons they actually

ghost people well let's turn to question

number three really there were five core

themes that developed when I studied the

19 responses avoiding emotional

discomfort or conflict feeling

overwhelmed by the other person's

attachment or expectations a belief that

the other person deserves better low

self-worth and fear of not being able to

meet the other person's needs depression

or low tolerance for social contact now

you may buy some of these but I'm going

to push back a little bit you see this

wasn't the only thread that I read

through on that subre red I started

noticing this weird Trend I'm going to

call it the forever alone train and

perhaps This Thread encapsulates it

better than anything I've ever seen I'm

just going through one of those times in

which I'm seriously wondering if I'm

going to be alone forever there's this

weird underlying subtext a lot of the

time this fear that avoidants have that

they're going to be alone forever yet

they don't have to be they can literally

change that right now while they're

still living and breathing but I don't

think they think they can a lot of time

you'll hear me talk about this Paradox

existing inside of them this light and

dark side this need to be loved

coexisting with this need to be alone

have you ever heard of into the wild

it's a nonfiction book written by John

crackower in

1966 that tells the true story of

Christopher mandas a man from a wealthy

family who graduates from college gives

away his saving and embarks on a journey

across America his ultimate goal make it

to Alaska and live off the land mless is

probably the perfect shining example of

a dismissive avoidant throughout his

journey he constantly seeks isolation

shuns close relationships he meets

Ronald Fran an elderly man who becomes

close to mcandless and actually offers

to adopt him now France is deeply

affected by their bond and suggests the

adoption in hopes of providing McCanless

with a family however McCanless politely

declines the offer staying true to his

quest for Independence and his desire to

live a solitary life in the wilderness

he meets a girl named Tracy Who falls in

love with him she's a teenager living in

the Slab City Community in California

where mandas stays for a while despite

her feelings for him mandas does not

reciprocate in any romantic way and this

is really like a consistent theme

throughout the book mandas meets these

people willing to reach out willing to

connect to get close and while he's

never rude to them he always prefers the

isolation the whole story basically

culminates when he makes it to Alaska he

crosses the Frozen river goes deep into

the wild and is completely isolated from

civilization he lives there for months

surviving by foraging for edible roots

and berries shooting various game

including a moose he even keeps a

journal the next spring Mist tries to

return home but when he gets to the

river it's overflowing with rain and

melting snow mandas is forced to go back

to the base camp where he ultimately

passes away when his body is eventually

found a single journal entry is also

found happiness only real when shared

for me this is the great tragedy of the

avoidant they idolize this idea of

self-sufficiency and look down upon

anyone who has any kind of dependency

but they often don't realize that that

worldview is wrong wrong until it's too

late in the case of Christopher

mcandless it cost him his life I mean

think about how many times people tried

to get him away from his path to Alaska

if he had just accepted their help got

adopted got married he wouldn't have

died the way he did now don't get me

wrong he got the message in the end

happiness only real when shared but it

was too late many of the people drawn to

the avoidant attachment subreddit are

probably at that point in their Journey

when they're questioning their

attachment style now the positive aspect

for them is that right now for them it's

it's not too late they have a chance to

recognize the importance of connection

and make changes while they still can

but the fear of being alone forever well

it's basically a battle to see if they

can overcome their nature but I've

gotten way off topic we still have one

more question to audit if you ghosted

someone what should that person do

honestly I don't want to spend a lot of

time on this this is kind of bit of a

mood point the general consensus of the

19 respondents was the best thing you

can do is give them space but again if

you're being ghosted by an avoidant then

there's a 70% chance you're not going to

hear from them ever again hence the moot

point here's what I do find interesting

why would you even want these Partners

back look I've been doing this a long

time most people who want these

individuals back themselves think that

they themselves can change the avoidance

behavior or that the relationship can

return to a happier time they act as if

the dismissive avoidance are inherently

irresistible but Lily I've been thinking

about something so let's say you've got

this hardcore dismissive avoidant the

relationship with them itself wasn't bad

but it wasn't like set the world on fire

amazing then the dismissive avoidant

leaves you without any kind of

explanation and you have this incredibly

strong reaction to it you enter into

this crisis mode desperate to fix it but

what I think is really happening here is

that since the dismissive avoidant ends

the relationship without an explanation

they're creating this type of scarcity

which makes them seem more valuable than

they really are and it creates this

scenario where someone who maybe had a

secure attachment becomes Chasers

contrary to maybe their usual Behavior

but let's play devil's advocate here

let's say that you are part of that

magical 30% of people who hear from an

avoidant after being ghosted you beat

the odds and you got your avoidant back

there's still a fundamental problem with

taking that avoidant back a dirty little

secret that the breakup space doesn't

want you to know you have a higher

chance of going through another breakup

the second time around but again this

shouldn't be that shocking to you look

at this I picked this up from a

psychology today article statistics have

shown that in the US 50% of first

marriages 67% of second and 73% of third

marriages end in divorce why would

breakups be any different they wouldn't

now what's likely Happening Here is that

a dismiss of a wouldn't might return but

that doesn't mean they've resolved their

attachment issues Sometimes they come

back with even stronger dismissive

avoided Tendencies because they crave

affection but can't express it openly

this can lead to worse Behavior as they

struggle with their needs but once again

I've gotten us down this rabbit hole and

kind of gotten us off topic did you

remember at the beginning of this video

I said there were two actions that an

avoidant will take to completely cut you

out of their life an obvious one which

we just spent forever covering and a

Noto obvious one well here's the Noto

obvious one they start rewriting their

history with you the book attached makes

this really big deal about this idea of

deactivating strategies which is defined

as any Behavior or thought that is used

to squelch intimacy you've seen me talk

about this before but where this stands

out is that it's like the ultimate

deactivation strategy think of it like

editing a movie script initially your

relationship was a major plotline full

of significant moments emotional

highlights and payoffs but now your

partner is going back and cutting scenes

they're downplaying key moments altering

the narrative the process of rewriting

history is a subtle yet powerful way for

them to emotionally detach and

rationalize their decision to move on

they might begin to claim that the

relationship was never that important to

them or that they never felt as strongly

as you did they might downplay shared

experiences and suggest that they

weren't as significant as you remember

oh and this is the important part they

never do this to your face it's always

done after they ghost you which means

yes they ghost you first then they start

rewriting their history and you really

only hear about it from like mutual

friends and it's heartbreaking it makes

you question everything about your past

and how significant that relationship

was between you and them but for the

avoidance this act of revisionism serves

two purposes it helps them emotionally

distance themselves and it provides a

rationalization for their Detachment by

convincing themselves that the

relationship wasn't that meaningful they

they find it easier to move on without

guilt or regret this rewriting of the

past is a clear indication of deep

emotional closure it's their way of

finalizing the departure ensuring

there's no reason to return it's like

removing all traces of a character from

The Script leaving no loose ends or

unresolved story lines once the editing

is complete there's nothing left to hold

on to nothing that might tempt them back

but here's the funny thing about

avoidance who edit you out of their

lives over time and I do mean a lot of

time they find themselves reminiscing

for the raw footage the unedited version

of your relationship one of the reasons

I love that Christopher McCandless story

is that towards the end he writes that

famous line in his journal happiness

only real when shared now at this point

he spent months in isolation in the

Alaskan Wilderness by himself he's weak

starving likely reflecting on his deep

experiences and choices this happiness

only real when Shar realization came as

he faced the harsh reality of his

situation and the consequences of his

extreme quest for Solitude what it

suggests to me is this profound shift in

his understanding of fulfillment and

human Connection in the face of death

his avoidant nature disappears and he

understands the true meaning of life and

avoiding ghosts you you're devastated

they start erasing your memories

together downplaying your relationships

your heartbroken you don't need to be

they're just like Christopher mcandless

caught in a struggle with their own need

for connection and fear of intimacy

ultimately the avoidant May realize just

as McCanless Did that the true point of

it all is to share connections share

memory share moments together but my

profound hope for you is that by the

time the avoidant has realized it you've

already moved on