10 Things Every Wife Needs To Do For Her Husband | Paul Friedman

Summary

Paul Friedman, founder of the Marriage Foundation, discusses 10 essential actions for wives to strengthen their marriages. He emphasizes not berating husbands in public, avoiding judgment, and refraining from accusing them of dishonesty. He also advises against criticizing their parenting style and exposing them to anger. Positive actions include eliminating anger, starting interactions positively, being affectionate, and performing self-work to open one's heart. The ultimate goal is to foster a marriage filled with increasing happiness and unconditional love.

Takeaways

• 🙅‍♀️ Never berate your husband in front of others as it challenges his sense of masculinity and can deeply hurt his self-esteem.
• 🚫 Avoid judging your husband as it undermines his efforts to be the man you desire and can damage his confidence.
• 🤔 Refrain from accusing your husband of lying as it leads to defensiveness and doesn't contribute to a healthy, loving relationship.
• 👨‍👧‍👦 Do not criticize your husband's parenting style, recognizing that men and women parent differently and both styles are essential for a child's balanced development.
• 😡 Learn to manage and eliminate anger, as it detracts from the happiness and love in a marriage.
• ✂️ Consider an 'angerectomy' to metaphorically remove anger from your life and improve your marriage.
• 💬 Start interactions with your husband on a positive note, with compliments or acknowledgments, to build a loving relationship.
• 💞 Show affection to your husband not just physically, but also through acts of care and emotional support.
• 🤱 Be motherly, wifely, or girl friendly according to the situation, adapting your role to provide the love and support your husband needs.
• 🔍 Engage in self-work to master your emotions and open your heart to create a loving and transcendent marriage.

Q & A

What is the main focus of the Marriage Foundation founded by Paul Friedman?

The main focus of the Marriage Foundation is to provide guidance and resources to help improve and strengthen marriages, with a particular emphasis on the role of wives in supporting their husbands and fostering a loving and happy marriage.

Why does Paul Friedman suggest that women should not berate their husbands in front of others?

Paul Friedman suggests that women should not berate their husbands in front of others because it challenges the husband's very existence as a man, which can leave a deep emotional impact. Men are physiologically and psychologically designed to protect, and public criticism can undermine their sense of self and competence.

According to the transcript, why should a wife avoid judging her husband?

A wife should avoid judging her husband because it undermines his manliness and can make him feel as if he is not meeting her standards. Judging another person is also a way of avoiding acknowledging one's own flaws, and it's healthier to focus on understanding intentions rather than judging actions.

What is the significance of not accusing a husband of lying in a marriage, as mentioned by Paul Friedman?

Not accusing a husband of lying is significant because it prevents defensiveness and arguments, which are counterproductive to a healthy marriage. Confrontation can trigger primal survival instincts, leading to negative outcomes. Instead, fostering an environment of trust and open communication is recommended.

Why should a wife not be critical of her husband's child-rearing style, as per Paul Friedman's advice?

A wife should not be critical of her husband's child-rearing style because it is different from hers and serves a purpose in providing balance to the children. The husband's approach helps girls learn what to expect from men and boys learn how to be men, contributing to the overall development of the children.

What is the importance of eliminating anger in a marriage, as discussed by Paul Friedman?

Eliminating anger is crucial in a marriage because it can steal away from the happiness and love that should be present. Anger creates tension, conflict, and uneasiness, which are detrimental to a positive marital relationship. Learning to control and eliminate anger contributes to a harmonious and loving marriage.

How does starting interactions with a compliment or acknowledgement contribute to a healthy marriage, according to the transcript?

Starting interactions with a compliment or acknowledgement contributes to a healthy marriage by making the husband feel good about himself and appreciated. This positive reinforcement strengthens the bond and sets a constructive tone for communication, fostering a loving and supportive environment.

What does Paul Friedman mean by being 'motherly' in a marriage?

Being 'motherly' in a marriage, as explained by Paul Friedman, means showing compassion and a protective form of nurturing love towards the husband, especially during times when he needs care and support, similar to how a mother would care for her children.

How does 'wifely' behavior contribute to a marriage, as described in the transcript?

'Wifely' behavior contributes to a marriage by demonstrating loyalty, support, and recognition of the husband's achievements and qualities. It involves being receptive to his needs and desires, which helps in fostering a deep sense of devotion and love within the marriage.

What is the ultimate goal of doing 'self-work' in a marriage, as suggested by Paul Friedman?

The ultimate goal of doing 'self-work' in a marriage is to master one's mind and emotions to open up one's heart fully to one's spouse. This involves learning to use the mind in service of love rather than being controlled by primal drives or intellectual reasoning, allowing for a transcendental and loving marital relationship.

Outlines

00:00

👫 The Importance of Respect in Marriage

Paul Friedman, founder of the Marriage Foundation, introduces a discussion on the 10 things every wife should do for her husband, divided into 'do's and 'don'ts. He emphasizes the importance of respect, particularly not berating the husband in front of others, as it challenges his existence as a man and leaves a deep emotional impact. The talk aims to reveal the sensitivity of men, which is often misunderstood due to societal misconceptions of masculinity.

05:01

🚫 Avoiding Negative Behaviors in Marriage

The paragraph continues with advice for wives, focusing on not judging or assuming lies from their husbands, as these behaviors are unproductive and can lead to defensiveness. It also addresses the sensitive issue of not being critical of how a husband raises children, highlighting the differences in parenting styles between men and women and the importance of allowing fathers to raise children in their own way.

10:04

💢 Managing Emotions for a Healthy Marriage

This section discusses the importance of not exposing husbands to a wife's anger, as anger is not an innate human quality but a primal response that can be controlled. The talk suggests that all actions in a marriage should contribute to happiness and love, and anger detracts from these goals. It encourages wives to eliminate anger and to focus on building a marriage based on these positive emotions.

15:06

🌟 Building a Loving and Transcendent Marriage

The talk moves on to the 'do's, starting with eliminating anger and aiming for a marriage built on increasing happiness and unconditional love. It stresses the importance of starting interactions on a positive note, such as with a compliment or acknowledgement, to create a loving and transcendent relationship. The Marriage Foundation's courses for women are mentioned as a way to learn how to achieve this level of marital bliss.

20:06

👩‍❤️‍👨 Practicing Affection and Understanding in Marriage

The advice continues with being affectionate, not just physically but also through daily routines that connect couples on a deeper level. It discusses the importance of being motherly, wifely, and girl friendly according to the situation, providing care, loyalty, and support to husbands. The paragraph emphasizes the need for self-work to open one's heart and master one's emotions to create a loving and balanced marriage.

25:07

🔮 The Power of Self-Work and Emotional Mastery

The final paragraph emphasizes the importance of self-work for women to open their hearts and achieve emotional mastery, which is crucial for a loving and transcendental marriage. It discusses the battle between the mind's survival instincts and the soul's desire for love, and the need to use the mind to serve love rather than being controlled by it. The talk concludes with an invitation to visit the Marriage Foundation's website and take advantage of their offerings to improve one's marriage.

Keywords

💡Berate

To 'berate' means to scold or criticize someone harshly, typically in public. In the context of the video, Paul Friedman emphasizes the importance of not berating one's husband in front of others, as it can deeply affect his self-esteem and sense of manhood. This is tied to the theme of maintaining respect and dignity within a marriage.

💡Judge

The term 'judge' in this context refers to forming an opinion or evaluation about someone's character or actions, often critically. Friedman advises against judging one's husband, suggesting that it undermines his efforts to fulfill his role as a partner and can damage the relationship by creating a sense of inadequacy.

💡Implication

An 'implication' is a suggestion or hint that something is true, without explicitly stating it. The script warns against implying that a husband is lying, as it can lead to defensiveness and conflict. This is part of a broader message about communication and trust in marriage.

💡Critical

To be 'critical' means to express disapproval or find fault with something or someone. Friedman stresses the importance of not being critical of how a husband raises children, as it can disrupt the balance of roles within the family and affect the children's understanding of masculinity and relationships.

💡Anger

Anger is a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. The video discusses the negative impact of expressing anger within a marriage, suggesting that it detracts from the goals of happiness and love. It encourages managing and eliminating anger to foster a positive marital environment.

💡Affection

Affection refers to a gentle feeling of fondness or liking towards someone. The script encourages wives to show affection towards their husbands not just through physical touch but also through acts of care and consideration, which can strengthen emotional bonds and contribute to a loving marriage.

💡Motherly

Being 'motherly' involves showing compassion and a nurturing attitude, similar to that of a mother. Friedman suggests that wives should be motherly at times, offering care and protection to their husbands, which can provide comfort and reinforce the nurturing aspect of the marital relationship.

💡Wifely

The term 'wifely' pertains to the qualities or duties expected of a wife, particularly in terms of loyalty and support. The video highlights the importance of being wifely by being loyal, supportive, and receptive to one's husband, which can help foster a deep sense of devotion and commitment within the marriage.

💡Self-Work

Self-work refers to the process of self-improvement and self-discovery, often involving introspection and personal growth. The video encourages wives to engage in self-work to open their hearts and master their emotions, which is essential for creating a loving and transcendent marriage.

💡Liquid Love

The concept of 'liquid love' is used metaphorically in the video to describe the idea of love that flows freely and abundantly, enveloping both partners in a marriage. It symbolizes the deep, unconditional love that should be present in a healthy and fulfilling marital relationship.

Highlights

Paul Friedman, founder of the Marriage Foundation, discusses 10 essential things wives should do for their husbands.

The first five points focus on what not to do, aiming to reveal the husband's heart and sensitivity.

Wives should never berate their husbands, especially in public, as it challenges his existence as a man.

Judging one's husband can suggest that his manliness does not meet her standards.

Avoid confronting or implying that your husband is lying, as it leads to defensiveness and negative outcomes.

Do not criticize how your husband raises your children, as men have different nurturing styles.

Anger is not an innate quality and should be controlled to contribute positively to the marriage.

Eliminate anger through self-control and focus on building happiness and love in the marriage.

Start interactions with compliments or acknowledgements to create a positive relationship dynamic.

Affection should be expressed not just physically, but also through daily routines and emotional support.

Be motherly, wifely, or girl friendly according to the moment's needs to provide the right kind of support.

The most important point is for wives to do self-work to open up their hearts and master their emotions.

Mastering one's mind is crucial to opening the heart and allowing love to flow in a marriage.

The Marriage Foundation offers courses and guidance to help improve marital relationships.

The foundation's mission is to help couples achieve transcendental love and happiness in marriage.

Transcripts

hi my name is paul friedman i founded

the marriage foundation

and today we're going to do something

very special we're going to talk about

10 things that every wife needs to do

for her husband i broke it into two

parts there's

10 things to do and 10 things

not to do both are very important and so

i urge you to stick it out the last one

i think is the most important i'm sorry

for putting that at the end

but maybe it's a good idea because it

emphasizes

that one so let's go i'm gonna hit with

um the first five are going to be to

not do now this is purposeful

because this will if you're paying

attention this will

reveal your husband this will reveal

his heart a lot of things about a man

are quite unknown by women because we

don't get this education growing up

we don't learn we learn about how men

are tough and they're

callous in some ways and and like that

and i'm going to show you through this

how sensitive your husband is

so let's begin with number one

number one is never

berate your husband

in front of others obviously

or otherwise so

men are sensitive

they put out a facade a face

of toughness and that's part of being

a male we are

physiologically male

and that affects our psychology

so we have to protect

our women protect our children it's

designed

right within us it's in our

sub-subconscious

mind but it begins with the imperatives

created

by the gender because men and women

are created differently equal

is a funny word to use i i don't like to

use that word because

in some ways women are far superior

in other ways women are not as superior

when you berate your husband

you're challenging his very existence

as a man and it leaves a

very deep hole in his heart

now if you don't believe me next time

you do this

pay close attention step outside of your

anger

and watch what happens to him

watch how he responds to it

it won't be pretty i can promise you

that

when you do it in front of others it's

10 times worse now this is affecting you

negatively also

because he's not going to feel

competent in this way and he needs to

and you need him to so that's number one

never berate your husband number two

don't judge your husband you shouldn't

be judging

anyone but especially don't

judge your husband first of all you

don't understand

your husband his intentions

are what matter most and his

intentions normally

unless he's gotten beaten up by you over

time

his intentions are to be your man

and so when you judge him

you are suggesting that his manliness

is not coming up to your standard

and you're the one who he strives

to please doesn't that make sense

so some of you may be saying well he

doesn't do this for me

he is not the one asking these questions

you are so take it for what it's worth

for things that you can do and don't do

don't worry about him when he comes to

us

we have lists for him too so number two

is never judge your husband and always

remember

judging another is really a way of

avoiding

the flaws we are aware of within

ourselves

as soon as you catch yourself judging

somebody stop your mind

don't allow it to go there it is not

healthy at all okay

number three

for some of you like if your husband

has been unfaithful to you

or checking out other women on facebook

or looking at other women when you walk

down the street you're

suspicious of his intentions

don't call him out on it never

imply or tell your husband

he's lying it has zero positive

results you want

your marriage to be filled with

happiness

you want it to be filled with love

and i know that the trend out there

among

therapists is to bring things on the

table and discuss it and find out why

and see if you could reach agreements

human nature

doesn't care about all that nonsense

that's all theoretical

in reality when we are confronted

men or women when we are challenged

men or women because of the drive to

survive

innate within all of our bodies because

every cell

is a drive to survive every living cell

we know that

survival is the whole game for

any living thing and this impacts our

mind

even though we're human beings and way

above animals

it's still in it it's still in the mix

so when you confront the first reaction

is defensiveness almost no matter

who the person is it takes so much self

training to rise above

these instinctive primal tendencies

you can do that work and you should be

doing that work

it's almost imperative to do that work

so you don't get into arguments

and you don't lower yourself and for all

those reasons

but for now just know it's one of the

greatest

don't do things there is

don't imply your husband is lying don't

give him those eyes

don't roll your eyes nothing

okay number four

this is a big deal for many women

which is hard to understand quite

frankly because

well number four is don't be critical of

how your husband

raises your children now if they're

your children and not his children maybe

it's different but not really

bear in mind you're very different

women are natural nurturers

you've carried the children for nine

months

you're aligned with them at a very deep

level

your husband has been taught all his

life to be the man

to be this to be that he's coming off of

his reason

as best he can but he's still a man

and men do things with their kids that

women go oh my god

i mean i could tell you i i've raised

a lot of children i'm not going to give

you the actual number

one day i had three of my children

in the backyard and i don't know how it

happened i had a big step ladder

expanded at the time and the littlest

one was climbing up and jumping down

so pretty soon we had a contest with all

three of them pretty soon

we had cushions on the ground and the

ladder was

up against the house and we were

climbing onto the roof

and jumping and never occurred to me

that there was any danger maybe there

was some

but i certainly love my children and

would do anything to protect them

but when i heard mom pulling up into the

driveway

oh my god kids quick get down and they

knew they understood

you have to be very aware

that how your husband is raising your

children

is supposed to be different from how you

are

this is how children are balanced the

girls

learn what to expect from a man the boys

learn how to be a man so never be

critical

of your husband's child raring style

and look there's always extreme cases

i'm not talking about

the idiot men who hang their kids off of

four

four-story balconies i'm not talking

about those guys

but that's different okay

number five this is super important

[Music]

don't expose your husband to your anger

in fact

you should understand that anger

is not an innate quality

for a human being a human being

their innate quality especially women

the innate quality

is love but what happens is we get

pulled down

into our mundane lives and we start

behaving on the primal

level you might say that human beings

operate on three levels

and they move around the lowest level

the primal level

is all about getting

getting what you want when you want it

it's

take what you want take what you think

you need

take take take have sex with whomever

you wish

have no consideration for anyone else

it's pure selfishness

because it's driven by the drive to

survive

anger is tied to that very strongly

so when you're feeling it you have to

learn

how to get rid of it you have to learn

how to contain it

you don't want to just oh i'm just real

if i'm anger i'm going to let them know

no don't do that why not

the reason why not is because you have

two

primary goals in your marriage happiness

and love all of your actions

should contribute to happiness and love

if they're not contributing you ever

hear that expression you're either with

me or against me

in marriage you're either contributing

to a positive marriage

or you're stealing away from a positive

marriage

anger is definitely stealing

from a positive marriage it just creates

tension

creates conflict it creates uneasiness

disruption just because you have anger

if you cannot control it within

don't let it out it's that simple

now we're going to get into the do's

ironically interestingly no i set this

up

number six is eliminate

your anger and i played with the words

a little bit and i said do an anger

ectomy you know if you have a bad part

within you

you remove it like a tonsillectomy

like that i guess it's not a good joke

if you have to explain it

you have the power to eliminate

anger all together i know what's in the

world

i know they talk about anger management

why would you manage anger

you get rid of it you have free will

you have volition in other words you

have the ability

to monitor and control every single

thought and feeling

now you don't know how you have to learn

how

and that's what we're here for at the

marriage foundation by the way you

should subscribe to the channel

you need to understand that western

psychology has completely

failed in so many areas

but especially in marriage they talk

about things that make no

sense because the only things that make

sense in your marriage

write this down don't forget this

happiness and when i talk about

happiness

in marriage i'm talking about ever

increasing happiness every single day

you should be at your peak of happiness

today

and then again tomorrow and the next day

it keeps going up there is no end to

that

as a human being we're not taught this

but it's important to recognize and to

understand that this is the truth

there should be no end to your happiness

there's no limitation

on your happiness when it is real

happiness

the other goal of your marriage

is unconditional love ever

expanding love maybe this is

easier for you to grasp that there's

certainly no

end to love love is beyond us it's

beyond the mind

and this is the big distinguishing part

where we at the marriage foundation

set ourselves apart we talk about

marriage

for what it actually is it's that

relationship

with which you can build upon

individually

infinite happiness infinite love

it's the foundation and i've been doing

this for over 20 years

our clients will attest to this you can

look at our reviews

you can look at the reviews for the

books i've written

both breaking the cycle and lessons for

a happy marriage see

what people are saying you don't have to

just believe me

but we've hit upon something that is a

miracle

for marriage anger's got to go

eliminate the anger completely

okay that's so important but it's not

the most important

stay tuned for that okay number seven

and this should be a no-brainer

remember your interactions are what

create your relationship on the mundane

level

you have that primal level then you have

the mundane level that's where we all

live and work and do our thing

and then we have the level that you're

supposed to be building your marriage

upon

that's the level of love it's

transcendent

i know i didn't finish it before but i'm

finishing that thought

now and that's where you want to be you

want to be

in that higher level with your spouse

with your husband all the time and it's

not just

possible it's doable and we can teach

you

how to do that so when you have a

conversation you're

acting on the mundane level right

because it's words coming out

it's in the material realm start it with

a compliment

just make it a habit if not a compliment

then an acknowledgement

but start it with something

that's going to make your husband feel

good he's going to feel good about

himself

and as the giver he's going to feel good

about you

it's a very good practice

to make into a habit you try it and

you'll

see now all this information i'm giving

you is just the tip of the iceberg

don't think it's enough if your marriage

is

in trouble get the course for women

don't be afraid to try it

we guarantee it so you're not risking

anything but more importantly we want

you to have that marriage

that is beyond what other people even

think is possible

undreamed of possibilities that's

what you should be living within in your

marriage and if you're not

it's because you don't know how and we

can show you

number eight don't misconstrue what i'm

saying here

number eight is to be affectionate all

the time

now some people right away imagine that

it means being

kissy and touchy and feely that's not

the only way to show

affection for instance my wife and i

have a daily routine where we make a cup

of coffee

and we sit down and we don't talk about

anything

but the sky how beautiful it is we talk

about the kids we talk about

things that matter but are not like

emergency things or important things for

the mundane world

it's just a way of connecting with our

hearts

through our words and our presence with

each other

it is a form of affection does that mean

we don't

also it doesn't we do it

all because affection is very important

to express it but remember

all of your affection should be coming

not from a desire

to fulfill a need on your part

but a desire to fulfill a need

on your husband's part it's about giving

love

the more love the beatles said it so

well

the love you take

is equal to the love you make it's

true it's just true

what you give is what you're getting

by giving it's not a reciprocation

okay number nine

this is a little bit tricky to

grasp but stay with me number nine is

be motherly or wifely

or girl friendly

according to the moment now

when i say motherly

what i mean is being so

compassionate in a protective way

of your husband and there are times when

your husband

needs that and it could be it depends on

your husband

it could be if he gets a cut on his

finger just as an

example he gets a cut on his finger and

you go oh honey

come here let me wash it off let me take

care of it

here i'll bandage it up i'm going to

blow on him

you know you you're not being his mother

but you're treating him in a way where

he feels

that nurturing love that is normally

just for your children

so that's what i mean by being motherly

when it calls for

now wifely wifely is all about

the highest law in a marriage

is loyalty so wifely

is being loyal it's backing

him up it's being supportive it's

recognizing him for his achievements for

his qualities

for what he does it's being receptive to

him

when he reaches out to you

with a desire for you that's being

wifely

and it's a whole world unto itself

and it's well worth paying attention to

him

and seeing what his needs are and being

there to fulfill

you want your husband to love you you

want your husband to be devoted to you

you want your husband to put you ahead

of everyone else on the planet

he should do that and a lot of women

complain

when their husbands don't well this is

how you get your husband

to do that okay number 10 and i promise

you

this is the most important thing and

it's tied to

kind of a recognition of the thing that

we offer

that is probably the most special which

is

our course for women but the

but the thing to do is do

self work that helps you

open up your heart in this society

there's been so much disinformation so

much confusion around

sexuality around feminism around

masculinity and

the art of being a loving woman

a loving wife is not

within reach as it used to be

maybe it used to be but when you do

self-work which includes mastering your

own mind mastering your emotions getting

them under control they're not to be

honored

emotions are a software in your mind

and you could learn that from us how all

of that works

but you have to learn to master your if

you can't master your mind

you can't open your heart because your

mind

you see we're souls it's just the truth

this is not a religious

organization but you're a soul i'm a

soul

and we have a body and we have a mind we

are not

animals that are highly advanced we're

souls

that have a body and have a mind

but the mind is kind of in the middle

the body wants the

mind to do its bidding to protect it

from the drive to survive built into the

cells

but the soul is love to chip off the old

block of

the big love god and the soul

wants to exist in love

but the mind does not want that to

happen

the mind wants you to be chained

to survival and so it's kind of a battle

you might say

you need to learn how to master the mind

so you are using it instead of it's

using you if your

marriage is based on love and you've

become

intellectual and you use

too much reason you're out of balance

you're the one who has to choose

when each is appropriate when

and how to open your heart which is

constant with your husband and how and

when

to not let people see your heart

which is in the rest of the world

because the rest of the world will take

advantage of you when you do

but your husband won't just as you won't

take advantage of

him loving you that's the beauty i call

it

the sacred space of marriage for a

reason because it's where we could

really

you know they use the term let down your

guard but that doesn't cut it

it's not enough we're talking about

proactively

opening your heart i call it liquid love

pouring that liquid love all over your

spouse

engulfing them in love until

you can't tell where they begin and end

and you begin and end

and the you is the part that's love it's

transcendental marriage is an amazing

thing

so those are the ten and i hope this has

helped you see a part of yourself

in a part of marriage that you were not

aware of before

that's our mission at the marriage

foundation please visit our website

please take advantage of our offerings

whether they're the free offerings or

something

that you should purchase and you will

know and if you want to write into one

of our counselors some

for some guidance on that we don't

upsell you we don't try to push

something down your throat

we're here to serve you and that's what

we want to do

my name is paul friedman i founded the

marriage foundation

and thank you so much for spending time

with me