Why Your Perfectionism Makes Life Impossible

Summary

This video explores the transformation of perfectionism from a curse into a blessing. It delves into the roots of perfectionism, often stemming from unattainable standards set during upbringing. The script distinguishes between personal standard perfectionism and external concern perfectionism, highlighting how the latter can be detrimental. Through scientific insights, it suggests strategies to harness perfectionism positively by developing personal standards and learning from mistakes without being derailed by the fear of others' opinions.

Takeaways

• 🧠 Perfectionism often stems from high or unreachable standards set during upbringing, such as parents or siblings' expectations.
• 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 The 'Golden Child' syndrome can contribute to perfectionism, where one feels the pressure to live up to an idealized family member's achievements.
• 🤔 There are two types of perfectionism: personal standard perfectionism (PSP), where one sets high standards for themselves, and external concern perfectionism (ECP), which is driven by the fear of others' judgments.
• 🧬 ECP is linked to the medial frontal gyrus in the brain, which can hinder learning from mistakes by redirecting attention away from errors.
• 🧘‍♀️ Coaching can be beneficial for perfectionists as it helps to identify personal goals, overcome obstacles, and conquer procrastination.
• 🧗‍♀️ Personal standard perfectionism activates a different part of the brain, allowing individuals to slow down and learn from their mistakes, leading to improvement over time.
• 💡 The key to harnessing perfectionism is not to reduce the concern for others' opinions but to develop personal standards and self-respect.
• 🛠️ When making a mistake, instead of distracting oneself, perfectionists should slow down and focus on the problem to facilitate learning and growth.
• 🎯 Developing personal standards means asking oneself what would make them personally happy with a task, rather than just focusing on external approval.
• 🏆 High ECP combined with high PSP can lead to the best outcomes in life, as it balances the striving for perfection with personal satisfaction and resilience.

Q & A

What is the main focus of the video script?

The main focus of the video script is to discuss how to transform the curse of perfectionism into a blessing by understanding its origins and how it affects the brain.

What are the two types of perfectionism mentioned in the script?

The two types of perfectionism mentioned are personal standard perfectionism (PSP) and external concern perfectionism (ECP).

What is the origin of perfectionism according to the script?

Perfectionism often originates from high or unreachable standards set during childhood, such as overly critical parents or the 'Golden Child' syndrome.

How does the brain adapt to perfectionism?

The brain adapts to perfectionism by developing a tendency to avoid the pain of falling short, which can lead to a lack of resilience when mistakes are made.

What is the role of the medial frontal gyrus in perfectionism?

The medial frontal gyrus is a part of the brain that shifts attention away from mistakes, which can prevent individuals from learning and correcting those mistakes.

How does the script suggest dealing with the curse of perfectionism?

The script suggests dealing with perfectionism by developing personal standards and slowing down when making mistakes, rather than distracting oneself.

What is the difference between the advice given to perfectionists and the approach suggested in the script?

Common advice to perfectionists might be to care less about others' opinions, whereas the script suggests adding personal standards to one's existing external concern perfectionism.

Why is it difficult for people with high ECP to change their wiring?

It is difficult because their upbringing and environment have conditioned them to care deeply about others' opinions, making it hard to change that ingrained mindset.

How can someone with high ECP improve their performance in life?

By developing personal standards and slowing down to learn from mistakes, individuals with high ECP can improve their performance and outperform those with lower levels of perfectionism.

What is the significance of the anterior singulate cortex in personal standard perfectionism?

In personal standard perfectionism, the anterior singulate cortex activates, causing individuals to slow down and pay attention to mistakes, which helps them improve over time.

What is the role of HG coaching as mentioned in the script?

HG coaching is designed to help individuals discover their life goals, overcome obstacles, conquer procrastination, and find motivation, rather than just treating mental illness.

Outlines

00:00

🔍 Understanding the Roots of Perfectionism

The paragraph delves into the origins of perfectionism, highlighting its emergence from unattainably high standards often set during childhood. It discusses how parental expectations and the 'Golden Child' syndrome can instill a fear of falling short. The speaker introduces the concept of coaching as a means to address not just mental health but also to discover personal goals, overcome procrastination, and find motivation. The coaching process is described as intensive and personalized, with coaches being rigorously trained to ensure quality. The discussion also distinguishes between two types of perfectionism: personal standard perfectionism, which is self-imposed, and external concern perfectionism, which stems from the desire to meet others' expectations. The latter is identified as the more damaging form.

05:02

🧠 The Neuroscience of Perfectionism

This section explores the neurological aspects of perfectionism, focusing on how the brain responds to mistakes. It explains that external concern perfectionism (ECP) is linked to the medial frontal gyrus, a part of the brain that shifts attention away from current tasks. The speaker uses research to illustrate how individuals with high ECP tend to avoid confronting their mistakes, which hinders their ability to learn and grow. The narrative contrasts this with personal standard perfectionism (PSP), where the anterior cingulate cortex is activated, leading to a slowdown in thought and a focus on the mistake, allowing for improvement over time. The speaker emphasizes the importance of understanding these brain responses to address the challenges of perfectionism effectively.

10:02

🚀 Harnessing Perfectionism for Success

The speaker proposes strategies to transform the 'curse' of perfectionism into a 'blessing'. They suggest that instead of trying to reduce external concern perfectionism (ECP), individuals should focus on increasing their personal standard perfectionism (PSP). The advice includes slowing down when making mistakes to allow the brain to process them effectively, rather than avoiding them. Additionally, the speaker encourages developing personal standards and expectations, which can lead to a balance between caring about others' opinions and setting one's own goals. This approach is presented as a way to leverage the striving for perfection into achieving higher personal and professional success.

15:04

🌟 Achieving Excellence Through Perfectionism

In the final paragraph, the speaker encapsulates the message that with the right approach, perfectionism can be a powerful tool for achieving excellence. They emphasize that it's not about eradicating perfectionism but about augmenting it with personal standards and self-respect. The speaker concludes by reinforcing the idea that by integrating personal standards with a desire to meet external expectations, individuals can surpass those who are solely driven by their own standards or those who disregard external opinions. The paragraph ends on an optimistic note, suggesting that this balanced approach can lead to the best outcomes in life.

Keywords

💡Perfectionism

Perfectionism refers to a personality trait characterized by a strong desire to achieve flawlessness in one's actions. In the context of the video, perfectionism is portrayed as a 'curse' that can be transformed into a 'blessing'. The video discusses how perfectionism often stems from high or unreachable standards set during childhood, leading to a fear of failure and a constant need for approval.

💡Golden Boy Syndrome

The 'Golden Boy Syndrome' is a term used in the video to describe the pressure experienced by a child who has an older sibling who has achieved great success. This can lead to unrealistic expectations being placed on the child to match or exceed their sibling's accomplishments. The video uses this concept to illustrate how perfectionism can be ingrained from an early age due to family dynamics.

💡Personal Standard Perfectionism (PSP)

Personal Standard Perfectionism is a type of perfectionism where an individual sets high standards for themselves and strives for self-improvement. The video explains that PSP is associated with a different part of the brain and leads to a more adaptive response to mistakes, where individuals slow down and focus on improving their performance over time.

💡External Concern Perfectionism (ECP)

External Concern Perfectionism is characterized by a preoccupation with how one's actions will be perceived by others. The video suggests that ECP is often more damaging than PSP because it can lead to a fear of making mistakes and a tendency to avoid tasks or situations where failure might occur.

💡Medial Frontal Gyrus

The medial frontal gyrus is a part of the brain mentioned in the video that is associated with External Concern Perfectionism. It is involved in redirecting attention away from current tasks, which can be a maladaptive response to mistakes for individuals with high ECP. This neural mechanism is said to protect individuals from the pain of failure but also hinders learning from mistakes.

💡Coaching

Coaching, as mentioned in the video, is a process where individuals receive guidance and support to achieve personal or professional goals. The video discusses how coaching can help individuals with perfectionism by providing strategies to overcome procrastination, find motivation, and set realistic goals.

💡Resilience

Resilience in the context of the video refers to the ability to bounce back from setbacks or failures. It is presented as a key component in transforming perfectionism from a curse to a blessing. The video suggests that developing personal standards and learning to slow down when making mistakes can enhance resilience.

💡Mental Illness

Mental Illness is briefly mentioned in the video in relation to the role of coaching. It is noted that coaching is not intended to treat mental illnesses but rather to help individuals discover their goals, overcome obstacles, and improve their overall well-being.

💡Neuroanatomy

Neuroanatomy is the study of the structure and organization of the nervous system, particularly the brain. The video references neuroanatomy to explain the different brain regions associated with PSP and ECP, highlighting how perfectionism is rooted in specific neural pathways.

💡Procrastination

Procrastination is the act of delaying or postponing tasks. In the video, it is identified as a common issue for perfectionists who may avoid tasks due to fear of not meeting their high standards. Coaching is presented as a way to help individuals conquer procrastination and take action towards their goals.

💡Motivation

Motivation is the drive or desire to achieve a goal. The video discusses how coaching can help individuals with perfectionism find motivation by helping them understand what they want out of life and how to overcome the fear of failure that often accompanies perfectionistic tendencies.

Highlights

Understanding the origins of perfectionism, often stemming from high or unreachable standards set during upbringing.

Perfectionism can be influenced by 'Golden Boy' syndrome or unrealistic expectations from parents.

The brain adapts to perfectionism by learning to avoid the pain of falling short.

Coaching can help individuals overcome perfectionism by setting personal goals and conquering procrastination.

There are two types of perfectionism: personal standard perfectionism and external concern perfectionism.

External concern perfectionism is often more damaging as it is influenced by the opinions of others.

Perfectionism can be rooted in childhood experiences with harsh or narcissistic parenting.

The medial frontal gyrus in the brain is associated with external concern perfectionism.

People with high external concern perfectionism tend to avoid mistakes and lack resilience to fix problems.

In contrast, personal standard perfectionists slow down and pay attention to mistakes, leading to improvement over time.

Advice to 'just care less' is not effective for those with high external concern perfectionism.

It's easier to develop personal standard perfectionism than to reduce external concern perfectionism.

Developing personal standards can help high external concern perfectionists outperform those with only personal standard perfectionism.

When making a mistake, slowing down can help high external concern perfectionists.

Developing a personal standard for tasks can shift perfectionists into a more productive mindset.

High external concern perfectionism can be a blessing when combined with personal standard perfectionism.

Adding personal resilience and self-respect can allow perfectionists to achieve the best in life.

Transcripts

today we're going to learn how to take

the curse of perfectionism and turn it

into a

[Music]

blessing so we have to start by

understanding where perfectionism comes

from and usually perfectionism comes

from very very high or unreachable

standards when we're growing up so this

can look like parents who want you to be

perfect all the time and won't settle

for anything less than 100% sometimes

this also looks like a situation

of Golden Boy syndrome or even having an

older brother who's a golden boy or

Golden Girl your older brother or sister

did a great job at this went to Harvard

was valedictorian did this got married

at the right time had kids at the right

time and so you've got really big shoes

to fil and so what is a child in that

situation learn how does the brain adapt

to that that situation what the brain

learns is to avoid the pain of falling

short hey y'all I want to talk for a

second about HG coaching a lot of people

wonder why do I need to sign up for

coaching can't I just DIY it can't I

watch another YouTube video and you're

right you can absolutely do those things

which is why we offer those resources

but one thing that I found is that

people who try to do things by

themselves take a really long time to do

it and my experience has been that the

earlier that you get your life together

the better your life will be so coaching

is designed to not help people treat

Mental Illness but discover things like

what you want out of life what's holding

you back how to conquer procrastination

and how to find motivation and I have

worked with each and every one of our

coaches I work with them for eight weeks

to make sure they're of the highest

quality and they really represent what

we offer at HG so if y'all are

interested check out the link in the

description below if we look at the

brain there are actually two kinds of

perfectionism there's personal standard

perfectionism which is sort of the

standard that you set for yourself and

always wanting to be better and then

there's also something called external

concern perfectionism so this is

perfectionism that is rooted in the

opinions of others everyone around you

expects you to be perfect or you want to

be perfect for their sake in an order to

make them happy and it's this ECP this

external concern perfectionism that is

usually damaging and sabotaging and in

order to understand how we have to sort

of come back to the roots of

perfectionism so if you're highly

perfectionistic chances are you grew up

in a situation where there were

unrealistic standards so this can look

like harsh narcissistic or tiger parents

who expected you to be perfect and no

matter how hard you try they were always

disappointed or if you did perfect

that's the norm so if you were at the

top of your class that's just what they

expect that's the Baseline and so if you

sort of think about perfectionism you

can either do normal or you can

disappoint there's no way to make your P

parents proud if they're expecting you

to be at the top of the class all the

time sometimes this also happens in a

case of like Golden Boy or golden girl

where you have an older brother or

sister who did awesome right so really

harsh parents really high expectations

and your sibling knocked it out of the

park which means now you're expected to

do it too because your parents have

unrealistic expectations but they were

able to pull it off so now you should be

able to pull it off the end result

though is that you grow up in a

situation where you can't win the best

you can do is break even or lose and

what does that do to the brain it turns

out that personal standard perfectionism

and external concern perfectionism

actually live in different parts of the

brain external concern perfectionism

comes from this part of our brain called

the medial frontal gyrus you don't need

to worry about where the neuro Anatomy

is the important thing is what the

medial frontal gyrus is for in what it

actually does so this is a part of our

brain that redirects attention it

actually shifts attention away from what

we're doing right now to something else

now this may sound kind of weird but

this is where thankfully we've got good

scientific experiments that explain how

this works so a group of researchers

took a group of people who were high in

personal standard perfectionism or PSP

versus people who had high ECP and then

they gave them a task in which you make

mistakes and then they measured the

brain activity for both of these groups

of people when they were making mistakes

and here's what they discovered so when

someone who is external concern

perfectionism is high right you've had

these crippling parents who were always

trying to you to be perect and you could

never do good enough what these people

end up doing is anytime they make a

mistake the medial frontal gyrus

activates and stops thinking about the

mistake that you made because remember

when you were growing up nothing you can

do is ever good enough so anytime you

fall short what did your mind do and you

may have noticed this in your own life

that anytime you had to tell your

parents that you got to be you just

retreated mentally from the conversation

you like knew ahead of time that you

were screwed no matter what so you just

started distracting yourself you told

them hey here's the report card or if

you're like me you actually walked out

to the mailbox and took the report card

out of the mailbox so that your parents

wouldn't see it and your parents are

like Hey where's the report card and

you're like I don't know maybe they made

a mistake you just avoided the situation

entirely and even when they found out

you mentally checked out you became numb

and it didn't really hurt because it

hurt too much instead of focusing on our

mistakes this part of our brain

activates and shifts our attention away

from our mistakes in order to protect us

in doing so it fcks us because now we

don't actually repair our mistakes and

this is the curse of perfectionism which

is that you want to do a great job you

want to do a great job you want to do a

great job but anytime you screw up you

don't have the resilience to actually

fix the problem you just end up beating

yourself up you end up numbing yourself

out out you end end up feeling like

there's nothing you can do to win this

game and the reason you feel that way is

because literally the part of your brain

that learns from mistakes is handicapped

by the MFG medial frontal gyrus and the

medial frontal gyrus starts thinking

about other things why does it do that

because when you were growing up that's

all it could do because you had parents

who could never be made happy so if you

think about it if you have parents who

are never going to be happy the only

adaptation your brain has is to numb

itself out because there's no way you

can make them happy so solving the

problem doesn't work and so literally

your brain stops solving the problem now

let's look at personal standard

perfectionism so these are people who

have a high standard for themselves so

in personal standard perfectionism a

completely different part of the brain

activates and a completely different

thing happens so the anterior singulate

cortex or the medial singulate cortex

some different part of the brain

activates and what these people do when

they make a mistake is they slow down

their thinking and they actually pay

attention to the problem

literally their cognition slow down so

what we see when we give these two

people tasks in which they're supposed

to make mistakes is that the person with

PSP makes a mistake once slows down

their thinking and then improves with

the task over time makes fewer mistakes

whereas the person with the external

concern perfectionism avoids whatever

the task is as soon as they figure out

they've made a mistake and starts

thinking about other things so they

actually don't improve over time the

problem when we struggle with

perfectionism is that the advice that we

get sucks because people out there will

tell you oh just do less good or just

stop caring what other people think or

just learn how to S set boundaries cut

out these toxic people from your life

but if you are perfectionistic you know

that you carry that perfectionism With

You from One relationship to the next to

the next and the whole point is that

when you are perfectionistic the your

brain is like different from somebody

else's brain you've been wired to care

about what other people think whereas

these people with personal standard

perfectionism they're actually okay

ignoring the rest of the world but the

reason they're okay with that and the

reason they give you that advice is

because their upbringing was different

where they could afford to not care so

now this is where things get really

interesting because how do we solve this

problem and this is where we're going to

actually show y'all okay so let's take a

quick look so over here we have

personal

standard

perfectionism or

PSP over here we have external concern

perfectionism or

ECP and now what we know is that you can

have high or low of each of these

quantities okay so if I have high

external concern in low personal

standard okay so this is where you are

chances are if you're perfectionistic

this is where you are which means that

you want to be perfect for other people

but you don't expect a whole lot from

yourself now here's the problem if we

listen to all these fers out there who

are like just care less about what other

people think what we'll actually do is

move into this column so not only do you

not give a about what other people think

but you don't give what you think to

begin with so now you're over here and

you give no right so there's like zero

concern and this leads to the worst

outcomes these people do the worst in

life they don't care about themselves

they don't care about anyone else maybe

you're down here and if you're down

there my heart goes out to you now

here's the really interesting thing

people may think that being in this

column is the best high personal

standard I care about what I think and I

don't care about anyone else I'm going

to live my life according to my rules

and other people's disrespect or

disappointment me I don't really care

about that doesn't bother me I'm happy

and that's what's important these people

do better than these people so these

people do the worst these people which

is probably all do bad these people do

okay but here's the cool thing these

people do the best and so the wild thing

here is we don't want to move you from

here to here because it's really hard to

change that wiring it's really hard to

stop caring about what other people

think when you grew up in an environment

where your survival and happiness

depended on what other people think

what's actually way easier is for you to

move this way so instead of stopping to

care about other people and the cool

thing there is that in the same way that

the personal standard perfectionism

people it's hard for them to start

caring about what other people think if

you can make this shift into setting a

standard for yourself in addition to

caring what other people think because

we can't change that you will actually

outperform the person who doesn't give a

sh about anyone else and it's actually

hard for them to start caring about what

other people think it's hard to move on

the ECP axis it's easier to move on the

PSP axis okay I know that's kind of

confusing but the tldr is that we don't

want to change the way that you think

around other people that's not how we're

going to harness perfectionism we're

going to leave that there because you've

tried to fix it and it hasn't really

worked so far and what's actually easier

is harnessing the personal standard

perfection

and what that literally means is

learning to set a standard for yourself

so there are two things that you can do

to boost your PSP the first is when you

make a mistake slow down remember that

what we learned from kind of these

studies on mistakes and ECP and PSP is

that when someone makes a mistake and

they have high ECP their medial frontal

gyrus activates they distract themselves

whereas the PSP person slows down so

instead what I want you all to do the

next time you make a mistake catch

yourself there's going to be a a part of

your mind that feels very squirly it's

like it's going to try to move over here

it's going to try to move over there

it's going to try to do anything but sit

with the feeling or the thoughts or

whatever you have in that moment so what

you need to do is don't distract just

slow down the good news is you don't

have to fix anything right that's where

the perfectionists fall into this this

trap which is like how do I fix it how

do I fix it you don't have to fix it all

you have to do is pay attention to the

problem that'll disable the medial

frontal gyrus and then thankfully the

rest of your brain will start to act so

just slow it down anytime you make a

mistake tip number one second thing that

you need to do is develop a standard for

yourself so if you have a high level of

ECP and you're very perfectionistic

anytime you approach a task you don't

think about you you never ask yourself

the question what would I be happy with

why because it's a dumb question who

cares what I would be happy with it

matters what other people think and why

do you think that way it's because you

used to have an opinion when you were a

kid and your parents didn't give a

so you stopped giving a about your

opinion that needs to change so anytime

you're faced with a task notice that

your instinctive response is to think

about how to make other people happy how

do I succeed how do I be perfect and

instead ask yourself what would I be

happy with pretend the rest of the world

did not exist would a b be okay for me

do I need to get an A or an A+ do I need

to be at the top of my class what would

make me happy and then hopefully what

you're able to do is as you perform you

can hold both of those things at the

same time other people may have been

disappointed in you but at least you can

take some pride in your performance and

the beautiful thing is that if you do

this if you literally just slow down

anytime you make a mistake you don't

have to fix it you don't have to make

anyone happy you don't have to make

yourself happy literally just slow down

and you start to develop personal

standards for yourself you will actually

shift into the high PSP and high ECP

column and if you're able to shift into

that column you will actually

outperform all of the people who are

just doing whatever they want to in life

and just hold themselves to their

personal standards you will actually be

able to outperform all those hyper

independent people that you wish you

could be like all these people that are

giving you this crappy advice of just

stop caring about other people if you

really look at things like median income

and performance in life what you'll

discover is that high ECP can be a

blessing if you can inject some of your

personal standard perfectionism feels

like a curse because no matter how hard

we try we seem to always disappoint

people and the good news is that that

degree of striving for Perfection can

actually allow you to achieve the best

things in life all you need to do is add

some of that personal resilience in

there add some self-respect and add some

expectations for yourself for your

benefit and it's not so much about

fixing the perfectionism or wiping it

away or becoming someone else because

that's hard what it's really about is

adding this additional component which

will allow you to outperform everybody

[Music]

else