Dana Hou: The Cost of Silence

Summary

The speaker recounts a poignant story of their high school friend Shong, who struggled with depression and ultimately took his own life. This tragedy underscores the heavy cost of silence, a theme the speaker personally confronts when facing her own unhappiness in a job and relationship. Drawing courage from Shong's memory, she breaks her silence, leading to personal growth and a more fulfilling life. The talk serves as a call to action, urging listeners to recognize the potential of speaking up and the hidden costs of remaining silent.

Takeaways

• 😔 The speaker's best friend, Shong, struggled with depression due to his parents' constant fighting and high expectations.
• 😥 Despite being close, the speaker never revealed Shong's emotional state to his parents out of fear of causing embarrassment and shame.
• 📱 A poignant moment occurred when Shong sent a heartfelt new year message but then expressed his overwhelming sadness and suicidal thoughts.
• 🚫 The speaker regrets not speaking up about Shong's condition, which led to a tragic outcome when Shong took his own life.
• 💔 The speaker's experience with Shong was a wake-up call about the devastating cost of silence, both for oneself and others.
• 🗣️ The speaker emphasizes the importance of using one's voice to stand up for beliefs, share true feelings, and prevent regret.
• 🔄 The speaker shares a personal story of unhappiness in a relationship and a job, choosing silence to maintain a facade of perfection.
• 💡 A turning point came when memories of Shong inspired the speaker to break their silence and seek change, leading to personal growth.
• 🌟 The speaker encourages the audience to recognize when the cost of silence is greater than the fear of speaking up and to embrace their voice.
• 🤝 The message concludes with a call to action for everyone to find their voice to open up new possibilities in relationships and self-understanding.

Q & A

Who was the speaker's best friend in high school?

The speaker's best friend in high school was Shong.

What did the speaker and Shong do together during their high school years?

They sat together at lunch every day, skipped classes on Fridays for weekend adventures, and surrounded themselves with snacks while doing homework.

Why were girls asking the speaker to deliver love letters and cards to Shong?

Girls asked the speaker to deliver love letters and cards to Shong because he was described as caring, mathematically gifted, and super cute.

What personal struggles was Shong facing that he shared only with the speaker?

Shong was dealing with depression, feeling suffocated by his parents' high expectations, and was deeply upset by their long-time fights.

Why didn't the speaker tell Shong's mom about his suffering when she had the chance?

The speaker was afraid that speaking the truth would embarrass Shong's mom and shame Shong, so she remained silent.

What happened to Shong after high school?

Shong went to a different college, but he continued to stay in touch with the speaker. Tragically, he took his own life by jumping out of a dorm window.

What was the turning point for the speaker to break her silence after Shong's death?

The turning point was when the speaker was lying in bed feeling hopeless and remembered Shong's suffering in silence, which reminded her of the ultimate cost of silence.

What changes did the speaker make in her life after breaking her silence?

The speaker shared her frustrations and fears with her parents, ended her relationship, and applied to business school.

What is the main message the speaker wants the audience to take away from her story?

The main message is to recognize that the cost of silence can be greater than the cost of speaking up, and to encourage the audience to find their voice to open up new possibilities in their lives and relationships.

How did the speaker's relationship with her parents change after she started being honest with them?

After being honest with her parents, the speaker felt a stronger sense of love and belonging, and it was better than trying to maintain the illusion of being the perfect child.

What advice does the speaker give to those who might be experiencing similar situations of silence?

The speaker advises them to acknowledge the cost of silence, find their voice, and express their true feelings to prevent missing out on potential opportunities and relationships.

Outlines

00:00

😢 The Cost of Silence: A Friend's Tragic Story

The speaker recounts their close friendship with Shong during high school, highlighting their shared experiences and Shong's academic and personal traits. Despite being admired by others, Shong battled internal struggles due to his parents' constant fighting and their high expectations. The speaker was Shong's confidant, privy to his deep-seated depression. An encounter with Shong's mother presented an opportunity to disclose Shong's mental state, but fear of causing embarrassment led to silence. Post-high school, the friends stayed in touch until a fateful night after the Chinese New Year when Shong, overwhelmed by his pain, ended his life. The speaker reflects on the profound regret and the realization of the heavy cost of their silence, which could have potentially altered Shong's tragic outcome.

05:07

🌟 Breaking the Silence: Personal Transformation and Growth

The speaker shares their personal journey of overcoming silence in their own life, drawing parallels with the past tragedy of their friend Shong. Despite external appearances of success, the speaker felt trapped in an unsatisfactory job and a toxic relationship. The fear of shattering the illusion of a perfect life and the belief that nothing better existed kept them silent about their true feelings. A moment of despair triggered by memories of Shong led to a decision to break the silence, leading to a series of life changes including sharing their struggles with their parents, ending the relationship, and pursuing business school. The speaker emphasizes the importance of finding one's voice, embracing new possibilities, and fostering deeper relationships, urging others to recognize the potential costs of remaining silent.

10:11

🗣️ Encouraging Vocal Courage: The Power of Speaking Up

In the concluding paragraph, the speaker extends an invitation to the audience to reflect on their own silences and the potential costs associated with them. They encourage individuals to find their voice, not only in their relationships with others but also in their self-relationship. The speaker's message is one of empowerment, urging others to consider the untapped possibilities that might arise from speaking up and expressing one's true feelings or beliefs. The paragraph ends with applause and music, signifying the end of the speech and the powerful message it conveyed.

Keywords

💡Silence

Silence, in the context of the video, refers to the act of not speaking up or expressing one's thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. It is portrayed as a barrier to personal growth and connection with others. The speaker's experience with Shong and their own life choices illustrate the damaging effects of silence, such as missed opportunities and emotional suffering. The video emphasizes the importance of breaking silence to prevent regret and to foster authentic relationships.

💡Depression

Depression is a mental health disorder characterized by persistent feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and a lack of interest or pleasure in activities. In the script, Shong's depression is a central theme, highlighting the tragic consequences of unaddressed mental health issues. The speaker's failure to speak up about Shong's condition exemplifies the video's message about the high costs of silence, especially when it involves the well-being of others.

💡Trust

Trust is the reliance on the integrity, strength, or ability of a person or thing. In the narrative, Shong trusted the speaker with his true feelings, indicating a deep bond between them. However, the speaker's silence about Shong's struggles shows the complexity of trust and the responsibility that comes with it. The video suggests that trust can be a double-edged sword, requiring courage to act on the confidence placed in us.

💡Suffering

Suffering is the state of undergoing pain, distress, or hardship. The video script describes Shong's internal suffering due to family issues and societal expectations, which he kept hidden from most people. The concept of suffering is used to underscore the urgency of addressing emotional pain and the potential for silence to exacerbate it, leading to tragic outcomes.

💡Fear

Fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain, or harm. The speaker mentions fear as a reason for remaining silent about Shong's condition and their own unhappiness. Fear is presented as a common barrier to speaking up, which can lead to regret and a sense of lost opportunities. The video encourages overcoming fear to prevent the costs associated with silence.

💡Cost of Silence

The 'cost of silence' is a recurring concept in the video, referring to the negative consequences of not speaking up. These costs can include emotional distress, missed opportunities for personal growth, and failing to support others in need. The speaker's experiences serve as a cautionary tale, illustrating how the cost of silence can be profound and far-reaching.

💡Voice

Voice, in this context, symbolizes the act of expressing one's thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. The video encourages finding and using one's voice to communicate honestly and authentically. It contrasts the empowerment and positive change that comes with using one's voice against the stagnation and regret associated with silence.

💡Support

Support is the encouragement, validation, or assistance given to someone. In the script, the lack of support from Shong's family and the speaker's own silence are highlighted as factors contributing to his suffering. Conversely, the speaker finds support from their parents, which enables them to make positive changes in their life. The video suggests that support is crucial for overcoming challenges and the importance of providing it to others.

💡Perfection

Perfection refers to the state of being flawless or perfect. The speaker discusses the illusion of a perfect life and the pressure to maintain this facade, which contributed to their silence. The video uses the concept of perfection to illustrate the unrealistic expectations that can lead individuals to suppress their true feelings and experiences.

💡Empowerment

Empowerment is the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in controlling one's life and claiming one's rights. The video script describes the speaker's journey from silence to empowerment, where they find the courage to speak up and make changes in their life. Empowerment is presented as a result of overcoming fear and embracing one's voice.

💡Relationships

Relationships are the way in which two or more people or organizations are connected. The video discusses the impact of silence on personal relationships, both with others and oneself. It suggests that speaking up can lead to deeper, more meaningful relationships, while silence can create barriers and misunderstandings.

Highlights

The narrator's best friend in high school was Shong, with whom they shared many close moments.

Shong was a caring, mathematically gifted, and attractive individual.

Despite his popularity, Shong was battling depression due to his parents' constant fighting and high expectations.

The narrator was the only person Shong trusted with his true feelings.

The narrator encountered Shong's mom and wanted to tell her about Shong's suffering but chose silence out of fear.

After high school, the narrator and Shong stayed in touch despite attending different colleges.

Shong sent the narrator a heartfelt new year message, followed by a distressing phone call where he expressed his unhappiness.

Shong tragically attempted suicide by jumping out of his dorm window, leaving the narrator in shock.

The narrator waited anxiously outside Shong's ICU, reflecting on the silence that had concealed Shong's pain.

Shong's parents regretted not recognizing his mental state, highlighting the consequences of unspoken suffering.

The narrator realized the high cost of silence and the importance of speaking up.

The narrator shared personal experiences of silence in relationships and the workplace, illustrating the universality of the issue.

Despite external success, the narrator felt unhappy and alone, choosing silence to maintain a perceived perfect life.

A moment of crisis led the narrator to remember Shong and decide to break their silence.

The narrator shared their true feelings with their parents, leading to a stronger sense of love and belonging.

With support, the narrator ended a toxic relationship and pursued business school, leading to personal growth.

The narrator encourages the audience to find their voice and consider the cost of silence in their lives.

The speech concludes with a call to action for the audience to reflect on their own silence and the potential it holds for change.

Transcripts

My best friend in high school was Shong.

We would sit together every day at lunch.

Skip classes on Friday's to go on a weekend adventure and surround

ourselves with way too many snacks when we were collaborating on our homework.

Shawn was caring, mathematically gifted and super cute,

I've all the girls who would ask me to deliver a love letters and cards him.

However, deep in his heart, he was depressed.

He was deeply upset by his parent's long time fights.

He was feeling suffocated by the unrealistically high

expectations of his parents.

And I, was the only person that he trusted to share his true feelings with.

One day after school, I bumped into Shong's mom,

I really wanted to alert her, to Shong's suffering.

But I was afraid that speaking the truth would embarrassed her and

shame Shong, so I remained silent.

After high school, Shong and I went to different colleges, but

we stayed in touch.

Then, one cold winter night, the second night after 2014 Chinese New Year,

I received a picture message from Shong.

He had written, happy new year to me on a frost covered window.

Then I received a call from him.

I picked up and said, thank you so much Shong, this is so sweet.

Happy new year to you as well.

But what I heard was Shong crying uncontrollably.

He said that he didn't know how to be happy in the new year.

He told me that he couldn't see a way out of his pain, and

he wanted to terminate his suffering.

Before I could respond, I heard some weird noises.

And then just silence.

My heart froze and my mind went blank.

Shong had jumped out the window of his dorm.

I remember how painful it was waiting outside of Shong's ICU.

When I heard Shong's parents condemn themselves for not recognizing his fragile

mental state, I realized that he had never spoken to his parents about his suffering.

And neither had I.

When I had the opportunity, fear and doubt kept me silent.

For three days, I fixed my eyes on Shong's heart monitor screen.

All of a sudden, the heartbeat pattern came to a free fall,

and turned into a flat line.

I will always remember that moment of silence when I felt so

devastated when I realized what the cost of silence could be.

I know this is an extreme case but perhaps, you can relate,

perhaps there is being a time in your life that you

being silent because of your fear of speaking up.

I work with friends in a relationship,

because silence seem like the safer choice.

But silence has costs.

When you fail to stand up for your beliefs,

you may later feel like you've lost a part of yourself and

missed out on giving a voice to others who may feel the same.

When you hide a part of your identity for the fear of not being accepted,

you may suffer from never living fully and lack a true sense of belonging.

When you choose not to share your true feelings with someone you really

care about, you may miss out on a potentially beautiful relationship.

We tend to think that maintaining status quo is safe while making changes is risky.

So we often focus on analyzing the cost of speaking up

without even considering the cost of silence.

Even I, who have paid such a high price to understand the cost,

still found myself being silent about things that mattered.

Two years ago, on the outside, I seemed to have it all.

I was on a promising career track with the boyfriend who checked all the boxes.

>> [LAUGH] >> And I was living in Hong Kong,

an exciting new city.

But the truth was, I was very unhappy in my job.

My boyfriend's critical comments always made me feel inferior and

never good enough.

And for the first time in my life,

I was living by myself with no support group around me.

On the inside I felt sad and alone.

Whenever my parents asked me how I was doing,

I wanted to tell them the truth but I couldn't.

I couldn't, because I was afraid to shutter the illusion of my perfect life.

I was afraid that something better didn't exist for me.

So for nearly a year, l silenced myself, and it was painful.

One night, l lay in bed in complete darkness, l felt hopeless.

l couldn't see a way out.

Then suddenly all my memories of Shong flooding my mind.

I thought about his suffering in silence and

the moment when I lost him forever.

And I was reminded of the ultimate cost of silence.

It was at this moment that I decided to honor Shong's memory by

breaking my own silence, by taking the steps that he was not able to take.

I shared my frustrations and my fears with my parents.

And I was surprised to find that my being real in front of them felt so

much better than my trying to be the perfect child.

And instead of feeling insecure, I felt a stronger sense of love and

belonging by sharing my truth, rather than hiding it and

struggling to maintain a illusion.

With my parents' support, I end the relationship and

applied to business school.

>> [LAUGH] >> And look at me now.

>> [LAUGH] >> This isn't to say that things

are always perfect.

But trust me, they are so much better.

I have found my voice.

I'm embracing new possibilities and deeper, more meaningful relationships.

If I had remained silent two years ago,

I will have shut myself off from everything I'm experiencing now.

Acknowledging the cost of silence was a wake up call for me.

I learned it the hard way and

l don't want you to have to go through anything similar.

My greatest hope is that you can recognize those

moments when the cost of speaking up may seem high,

but the cost of silence is even greater.

And that you'll use your voice to prevent yourself

from never knowing what might happen.

How to just spoken up.

What are you currently being silent about?

What are you not expressing that might open up new possibilities for you?

Your relationship with others.

And perhaps, more importantly,

in your relationship with yourself.

I encourage you to find your voice.

Thank you.

>> [APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC]