How to communicate effectively with parents？ | TianHui ZHOU | TEDxTheBund

Summary

Helena discusses the challenges of communicating with parents, often resorting to conflict or avoidance. She introduces the concept of 'false denial' as a defense mechanism and suggests that cultural expectations might contribute to communication issues. Drawing from 'Social Psychology,' Helena outlines four steps to improve communication quality: self-awareness, understanding the other party, planning, and taking action. She emphasizes the importance of not using generation gaps as an excuse for poor communication and encourages proactive steps towards better family dialogue.

Takeaways

• 😔 Communication with parents can be challenging for many, often resulting in conflict or avoidance.
• 🤔 The idea of 'escaping may be shameful but useful' is a common self-consolation strategy when facing family issues.
• 👥 Both individuals and their parents may feel that generation gaps are insurmountable, leading to mutual avoidance of problems.
• 🗣️ A common complaint among youth is that parents are not open-minded or understanding enough, contributing to communication barriers.
• 🤷‍♀️ The tendency to blame others and downplay one's own responsibility is highlighted through the use of certain sentence structures.
• 🧠 'False denial' is a psychological defense mechanism that helps reduce emotional anxiety but can hinder self-awareness.
• 🏮 Cultural values, such as patience and obedience, influence Chinese communication styles, often prioritizing superficial harmony.
• 🤝 Helena suggests four steps to improve communication quality: knowing oneself, understanding the opposing side, planning, and taking action.
• 🎯 'Knowing oneself' involves clarity on personal goals, like choosing a school that aligns with one's aspirations rather than just parental expectations.
• 🤔 'Understanding the opposing side' means recognizing parents' values and experiences to bridge the communication gap.
• 🛠️ 'Planning' involves summarizing information and choosing effective communication strategies based on the other party's likely reactions.
• 🏋️‍♀️ 'Taking action' is crucial; it's about expressing thoughts clearly and directly, without resorting to avoidance or false denial.
• ⚠️ For situations involving violence, alcoholism, or drugs, seeking help from third-party organizations or trusted adults is advised.

Q & A

What is the main challenge discussed in the script regarding communication with parents?

The main challenge discussed in the script is the difficulty many people face in communicating with their parents, often resorting to conflict or avoidance as the only means to resolve issues.

Why do some individuals feel that escaping from communication with parents is useful despite being shameful?

Some individuals feel that escaping is useful because it temporarily alleviates the stress and discomfort of dealing with communication issues, even though it does not address the underlying problems.

What is the term used in psychology to describe the defense mechanism where individuals avoid acknowledging their own issues?

The term used in psychology is 'false denial,' which is a defense mechanism that reduces emotional anxiety and distress by avoiding one's own problems.

How does Chinese culture influence the way people approach communication within families?

Chinese culture emphasizes patience and obedience, which can lead to a preference for maintaining superficial harmony in relationships and sometimes supporting things they don't agree with to avoid conflict.

What are the four steps Helena suggests to improve the quality of communication with parents?

The four steps Helena suggests are: 1) Knowing oneself and being clear about one's goals, 2) Understanding the opposing side, 3) Planning and choosing a suitable method for communication, and 4) Taking action and expressing thoughts clearly.

Why is it important to understand the opposing side's perspective during communication?

Understanding the opposing side's perspective is important because it helps in empathizing with their values, views, and experiences, which can lead to more effective and respectful communication.

What role does cultural background play in the communication styles between children and parents?

Cultural background influences communication styles by shaping the values and expectations within a family, such as the emphasis on patience and obedience in Chinese culture, which can affect how openly individuals express their opinions.

How does Helena's approach to choosing a school differ from her parents', and why?

Helena prefers schools that offer more options and opportunities for meaningful experiences, while her parents value renowned universities with higher rankings, reflecting a generational difference in priorities and understanding of education.

What is the significance of planning in the communication process as described in the script?

Planning is significant in the communication process as it involves summarizing information from previous steps and choosing a feasible method to initiate effective communication, which can be tailored to the other party's likely perception and response.

Why is taking action the most important step in improving communication with parents according to the script?

Taking action is the most important step because it is the only way to translate planning and intentions into actual change in communication patterns; without action, the other steps are ineffective.

What advice does the script give for those who face extreme family situations such as violence, alcoholism, or drugs?

The script advises those facing extreme family situations to immediately contact a third-party organization for help or, if under 18, to reach out to trusted adults for assistance.