I never want to feel small again • Taking up space as an artist

Summary

The speaker reflects on the transformative power of art in overcoming personal struggles. They recount the emotional journey of battling self-criticism and the dark clouds of self-doubt, only to find solace and strength in their creative process. Through painting, they symbolize the duality of their inner battles, where their art serves as a mirror to their resilience and a testament to their growth. The paintings become a form of self-embrace, a reminder of their capacity to be both strong and tender, and a declaration of their desire to be seen and to occupy space assertively.

Takeaways

• 🎨 The speaker reflects on the feeling of accomplishment after completing a challenging task and the desire to reassure their past self.
• 🖌️ They have been working on finishing paintings, using an existing palette, which suggests a creative process and resourcefulness.
• 😔 The speaker admits to struggling with self-criticism and feeling unwell when speaking to the camera, indicating a moment of vulnerability.
• 🤯 They describe an internal battle with a critical voice that undermines their self-worth and can last for days or even weeks.
• 😞 The negative self-talk is personified as 'she' who clouds their vision and makes them feel unworthy, highlighting the depth of their internal conflict.
• 📅 The speaker mentions a recent four-day struggle with this negative voice, emphasizing the impact it has on their daily life.
• 🌞 Despite the darkness, there is an opposing force of light within them, represented by intuition, creativity, and a drive for growth.
• 💪 This positive force encourages self-care and reminds the speaker that their work is good enough, suggesting a path towards self-acceptance.
• 🎥 The act of creating, such as painting and journaling, serves as a therapeutic outlet and a way to document personal growth.
• 🌈 The speaker finds balance in embracing the duality of their experiences, recognizing that strength and softness coexist within them.
• 🤗 They view their paintings as a form of self-comfort, a reminder of their strength and the desire to be seen and take up space in the world.

Q & A

What does the 'aha' moment mentioned in the script refer to?

The 'aha' moment refers to the realization and relief one feels when looking back at a past challenge that seemed difficult at the time but is now overcome, prompting a desire to comfort one's past self.

Why did the speaker decide to use their existing palette for finishing drawings?

The speaker decided to use their existing palette to finish drawings because they already had it, and it seemed like a practical and resourceful decision.

How does the speaker describe their relationship with themselves when they are being overly critical?

The speaker describes their relationship with themselves as being very tough and mean, acknowledging that they can be their own harshest critic.

What does the speaker refer to as 'she' in the script?

The 'she' referred to in the script symbolizes the speaker's inner critic or negative self-talk, which brings out feelings of insignificance and self-doubt.

How often does the speaker mention that the 'dark cloud' aspect of themselves appears?

The speaker mentions that the 'dark cloud' aspect appears at least once a month and can sometimes stay longer, impacting their self-perception and mood.

What does the speaker do when they feel overwhelmed by negative thoughts?

When overwhelmed by negative thoughts, the speaker wants to disappear and become unseen, indicating a desire to escape from their current emotional state.

Why does the speaker feel that talking to the camera is difficult at times?

The speaker feels that talking to the camera is difficult because it can be an emotionally vulnerable act, and they may not always be in the right mental state to express themselves comfortably.

How does the speaker describe the role of their creativity and intuition in overcoming negative feelings?

The speaker describes creativity and intuition as a source of light and strength that helps them counteract negative feelings, showing up in their writing, painting, and videos to remind them of their worth.

What does the speaker consider their paintings to be?

The speaker considers their paintings to be a form of self-comfort, like hugs that take time to form but have a lasting impact, providing comfort to themselves and potentially others.

How does the speaker view the purpose of creating art in relation to their personal struggles?

The speaker views creating art as a way to manage and balance their personal struggles, using it as a tool to express and reconcile with their inner conflicts and to remind themselves of their strength and potential.

What is the speaker's ultimate desire regarding their self-perception and presence?

The speaker's ultimate desire is to be seen, to take up space, and to never feel small again, indicating a wish for self-assertion and self-worth.

Outlines

00:00

🌧️ Overcoming Self-Criticism and Embracing Creativity

The speaker reflects on the feeling of accomplishment after overcoming challenges, comparing it to hugging a past self and reassuring them that everything will be alright. They discuss their journey with imaginary friends and the use of a palette to complete paintings, which serves as a metaphor for personal growth. The speaker acknowledges their self-critical nature, describing an internal critic who can be harsh and destructive, affecting their self-perception and motivation. They also touch on the importance of balance, with the darker aspects of their personality being contrasted by their creativity and intuition. The speaker finds solace in creating art, which serves as a form of self-expression and a means to cope with their internal struggles.

05:04

🌟 The Power of Positivity and Self-Affirmation

In this paragraph, the speaker contrasts their internal critic with a more positive voice that encourages self-care and affirmation. This positive voice starts small, suggesting acts of self-kindness and the freedom to choose one's actions. As it grows stronger, it influences the speaker's writing, painting, and even their video content, serving as a reminder of their capabilities and worth. The speaker expresses joy and amazement at the impact of this positive force on their artwork, which not only reflects their strength but also their kindness and softness. They view their paintings as a form of self-hug, providing comfort and a lasting reminder of their resilience and potential. The speaker concludes by asserting their desire to be seen, to take up space, and to never feel small again, emphasizing the importance of self-recognition and self-worth.

Keywords

💡Aha moment

An 'aha moment' refers to the experience of suddenly understanding or discovering something, often after a period of confusion or struggle. In the script, the narrator reflects on past challenges and how they now seem manageable, indicating that they have reached an 'aha moment' in retrospect. This concept is central to the theme of personal growth and overcoming obstacles.

💡Imaginary friends

In the context of the script, 'imaginary friends' is used metaphorically to describe artworks or creations that the narrator has been working on. It suggests a personal and intimate connection to their work, as if these creations are characters or companions. This term helps to convey the emotional investment and the creative process involved in the narrator's art.

💡Insecurities

Insecurities are feelings of doubt, anxiety, or uncertainty about one's self-worth or abilities. The narrator mentions 'insecurities' in relation to a negative inner voice that tries to make them feel small and insignificant. This concept is integral to the video's exploration of self-doubt and the struggle for self-acceptance.

💡Darkest clouds

The 'darkest clouds' is a metaphor used to describe periods of emotional turmoil or depressive states. The narrator talks about a time when they were surrounded by these 'darkest clouds,' indicating a struggle with their mental health. This metaphor is used to illustrate the contrast between negative and positive aspects of the self.

💡Intuition

Intuition is the ability to understand or know something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning. In the script, the narrator contrasts their negative self-perception with their intuition, which guides them towards self-care and positive action. Intuition is portrayed as a positive force that helps counterbalance the negative thoughts.

💡Creativity

Creativity is the use of imagination or original ideas to create something; it is a key aspect of the artistic process. The narrator discusses how their creativity can manifest in their writing and painting, serving as a form of self-expression and a means to overcome internal struggles. Creativity is central to the video's message about using art as a tool for emotional healing.

💡Diary entries

Diary entries are personal records of one's thoughts, feelings, and experiences, typically written in a journal. The narrator compares their video monologues to diary entries, suggesting that they are using the medium as a form of self-reflection and emotional release. This term highlights the introspective and therapeutic nature of the video.

💡Opposites

Opposites refer to things that are contrasting or mutually exclusive. The narrator discusses the concept of balance through opposites, suggesting that the positive and negative aspects of their personality or experiences are necessary for growth and understanding. This concept is used to explore the complexity of the human condition and the importance of embracing all aspects of oneself.

💡Strong body

A 'strong body' can refer to physical strength, but in the script, it also symbolizes resilience and the capacity to endure challenges. The narrator acknowledges their body's strength as a source of power and a reminder of their ability to overcome difficulties. This term is used to emphasize self-empowerment and the potential for growth.

💡Hugs

In the context of the video, 'hugs' are used metaphorically to represent comfort and self-care. The narrator describes their paintings as 'hugs to themselves,' suggesting that their art serves as a form of emotional support and a means to provide solace. This term is integral to the video's message about the importance of self-compassion and the healing power of art.

💡Space

The term 'space' in the script is used to express the narrator's desire to be seen, acknowledged, and to occupy a place in the world without feeling small or insignificant. It reflects a yearning for validation and a rejection of self-negation. This concept is part of the video's broader theme of self-affirmation and the pursuit of personal significance.

Highlights

The speaker reflects on the feeling of accomplishment after overcoming past challenges.

Mention of completing imaginary friends paintings using an existing pallet.

A moment of silence indicating a lack of words or discomfort speaking to the camera.

Confession of self-imposed difficulty and self-criticism.

Description of an internal critic who is harsh and appears regularly.

A week of intense struggle with self-doubt and a desire to disappear.

The feeling of being unseen and the desire to become invisible.

The speaker's return to speaking to the camera after a period of absence.

Taking on a project that became overwhelming, leading to emotional distress.

The realization that the creative process can be therapeutic and a form of self-expression.

The concept of balance through opposites, including the speaker's own body and mind.

The emergence of a positive inner voice that encourages self-care and creativity.

The transformation of the inner voice into visible art, reflecting strength and growth.

The speaker's paintings as a form of self-hug, providing comfort and a reminder of strength.

The desire to be seen, take up space, and never feel small again.

The use of art as a way to manage internal struggles and create lasting reminders of resilience.

Transcripts

Do you know that feeling of aha

when you look back at something you did or you made at that time?

And it all felt so difficult and you struggled,

but once you were finished, you just forgot about all that.

And you want to hug your previous self and tell her it is all

going to be all right.

I finished some of my imaginary friends

because I have this pallet already

and I figured why not just use it for

finishing up some drawings?

Paintings actually.

I have nothing to say.

I don't feel good talking to the camera right now.

I can make things so hard for myself.

I don't think anyone can be as mean, as tough

and as destructive to me as I can be to me.

My skin is tough and I know it.

And so does she.

She who knows all my faults and darkest clouds.

She wants me to feel small, insignificant

and comes out at least a day a month, but will sometimes stay for a bit longer,

if she can settle with my insecurities.

Just last week I had a very bad case of hanging with her.

She stayed for four days; enough to make it feel like four weeks had passed.

And everything you've ever done is terrible.

She will cloud my vision, take over my body,

and make me feel like I shouldn't be there.

All I want to do, if I can even say want,

is disappear and get as small as I can be.

I want to become unseen.

I haven't spoken to the camera in a while, so it feels a little bit weird,

I have to say.

And then I took off a bit more than I can chew,

and now it's become this big thing with a poster...

I am laughing, but I am crying on the inside.

Oh, my brain at this time does not make any sense.

And I am really happy if this is done to take a break.

I also feel like these are my diary entries,

and I have been journaling, and I can’t get my thoughts on paper

and this is working better.

We wouldn't be in balance without opposites.

The same counts for my own body.

My own strong body.

When she surrounds me with my darkest clouds, there is her,

my intuition, my creativity, my light,

my drive to grow bigger, huge

and seen by everyone.

She'll start out small, telling me maybe I should do something nice for myself.

Or I shouldn't have to do anything.

That everything is up to me.

Then slowly she'll work herself into my day.

She'll show up in my writing, telling me everything I do is good enough.

And if she's really feeling good,

she'll show up in my painting

showing me that everything I do is good enough.

She will flow through the videos I make as references.

Surprising me, when I look back at her and how strong she is.

She will shut her up

even for a little bit.

I'm happy.

She’ll expand and become visible in the most beautiful and rich way,

looking at me, actually looking at me.

I am always so amazed

when I put a painting on the floor

and I'm going to try to show you how big it is.

I can see how strong she is

and how kind and how soft.

That feeling will stay within my painting.

And every time I look at her, that little light will show up.

I battle my own body, my own thoughts, and the only way I have managed to calm

those opposites is to create beautiful things.

Things that will stay and be a reminder

of how large I can grow, how soft I can be.

My paintings are my hugs to myself.

They just take longer to form, but they will stay longer

than physical hugs and can comfort more people than just me.

They are my reminder that my body is strong and can handle

anything, but it doesn't always have to do that alone.

I can be seen and I want to be seen and I want to take up space

and I never want to feel small again.