Dating after 50: challenges and opportunities
Summary
TLDRDr. Orion Taban discusses the complexities of dating after 50, emphasizing that individuals often carry emotional 'baggage' from past relationships. He suggests that while this can be a drawback, it can also lead to wisdom and compassion. Taban highlights the shift in values and priorities as people age, noting that needs and desires in relationships change. He advocates for the possibility of forming deep emotional connections without the pressures of societal expectations, financial dependencies, or family obligations. The talk encourages self-awareness and effective communication as keys to successful dating in later life.
Takeaways
- 🌟 Dr. Orion Taban discusses the unique challenges and considerations of dating after 50, drawing from his consultations with individuals in this demographic.
- 🏵️ Most people dating after 50 will have experienced significant emotional 'wounds', which can both complicate and enrich dating experiences.
- 📈 The value exchange in relationships remains important, but what individuals value can shift as they age, affecting what they seek in a partner.
- 💼 Dr. Taban suggests that by 50, people may place less emphasis on traditional needs like financial security or childcare in a partner, as they might be more self-sufficient.
- 💔 The societal pressure to appear 'wounded' can lead to individuals exaggerating their emotional scars to avoid judgment, which can impact dating dynamics.
- 🧳 The concept of 'baggage' from past relationships can be both a hindrance and a source of wisdom and compassion, depending on how individuals have processed their past experiences.
- 💡 Dr. Taban emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and emotional intelligence in forming meaningful connections, which can improve with age.
- 📚 He recommends his book 'The Value of Others' for a deeper understanding of relationship dynamics and actionable advice on navigating the dating scene.
- 🔗 The absence of need in relationships after 50 can lead to more authentic connections based on mutual enjoyment and shared experiences, rather than necessity.
- 🔍 While emotional connections are possible with many people, discerning who can form such a bond may be challenging and requires time and patience.
Q & A
What is the main topic discussed by Dr. Orion Taban in the transcript?
-The main topic discussed is dating after the age of 50, focusing on the challenges and dynamics of relationships at this stage of life.
Why is Dr. Orion Taban cautious about discussing dating after 50?
-Dr. Orion Taban is cautious because he is not yet in his 50s and has not personally experienced dating at that age, so he advises taking his insights with a grain of salt.
What does Dr. Taban refer to as a 'purple heart' in the context of dating after 50?
-A 'purple heart' refers to the emotional wounds or past relationship traumas that most people over 50 are likely to have, as they are often the reason someone might be single at that age.
How does Dr. Taban suggest that past experiences can affect people's ability to form new relationships?
-Past experiences can lead to emotional baggage that may make it difficult for some people to form new, satisfying relationships due to being jaded, suspicious, cynical, or defensive.
What is the significance of the phrase 'wounded in battle' used in the transcript?
-The phrase 'wounded in battle' is used metaphorically to describe individuals who have experienced emotional or relationship trauma, which is seen as a commonality among those who are single after 50.
What does Dr. Taban suggest about the value exchange in relationships as people age?
-Dr. Taban suggests that while the value exchange in relationships remains important, the specific values and needs that people seek in a partner can shift over time.
How does Dr. Taban view the concept of 'need' in relationships for people over 50?
-Dr. Taban views 'need' in relationships as less critical for people over 50 because they are more likely to be financially independent and may not require the same level of support as younger individuals.
What does Dr. Taban believe is the potential advantage of dating later in life?
-Dr. Taban believes that dating later in life allows for relationships that are not based on need but rather on genuine enjoyment of each other's company, which can lead to more authentic connections.
According to Dr. Taban, what is the role of emotional intelligence and communication in building deep emotional connections?
-Dr. Taban emphasizes that emotional intelligence, effective communication, withholding judgment, and empathic understanding are crucial in building deep emotional connections with others.
What advice does Dr. Taban give regarding the development of personal attributes for those in their 50s?
-Dr. Taban advises that individuals in their 50s should focus on developing attributes such as kindness, patience, tolerance, and emotional intelligence, as these traits can enhance their ability to form meaningful relationships.
How does Dr. Taban describe the process of finding a deep emotional connection in the context of dating after 50?
-Dr. Taban describes finding a deep emotional connection as a challenging process that requires time and multiple interactions, and he suggests that providing other forms of value may be necessary to sustain a relationship while such a connection is being established.
Outlines
🌟 Dating After 50: The Psychological Landscape
Dr. Orion Taban begins by addressing the topic of dating after the age of 50, a subject he's been frequently asked about. He acknowledges his relative youth but shares insights based on consultations with individuals in their 50s. He highlights the metaphor of 'wounded hearts', suggesting that most people in this age group have experienced significant emotional trauma, which is often a prerequisite for being single. This 'wounding' can lead to exaggerated claims of emotional damage to avoid social judgment. Dr. Taban discusses how carrying emotional baggage can hinder new relationships, but it can also provide wisdom and compassion if one has healed from past wounds. He contrasts this with the naivete of younger individuals who haven't experienced such hardships, emphasizing the value of life experience in understanding relationships.
🔄 The Shifting Value Exchange in Relationships
In the second paragraph, Dr. Taban delves into the concept of value exchange in relationships, noting that while the principle remains constant, the specific values people seek change over time. He points out that at 50, individuals might place less importance on traditional assets like youth and beauty, and more on emotional depth and compatibility. The idea that people might not need as much from a relationship at this stage is both a challenge and an opportunity. It can be difficult to form relationships when there's little perceived need for the other person, but it also allows for more authentic connections based on enjoyment and shared experiences rather than necessity. Dr. Taban suggests that by this age, individuals should have a better understanding of what they truly want in a partner and how to select a mate who aligns with their values and life stage.
💌 The Promise and Challenge of Emotional Connection
The final paragraph focuses on the desire for deep emotional connections in relationships after 50. Dr. Taban notes that while it's possible to form such connections, discerning who can provide them is not straightforward. He emphasizes the importance of effective communication, emotional intelligence, and patience in building these connections. The 'good news' is that with age often comes increased self-awareness and emotional maturity, which can facilitate deeper relationships. However, the 'bad news' is that it can be challenging to identify potential partners who can offer the level of emotional resonance sought. Dr. Taban encourages his audience to consider the value they bring to a relationship while seeking this connection, as it may be necessary to provide other forms of value until the desired emotional bond is established.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Dating after 50
💡Purple Heart
💡Value Exchange
💡Wounded
💡Sexual Marketplace
💡Emotional Connection
💡Self-Awareness
💡Baggage
💡Wisdom and Compassion
💡Need
💡The Value of Others
Highlights
Dr. Orion Taban discusses the unique challenges and perspectives of dating after 50.
Individuals over 50 often come with 'purple hearts,' or emotional wounds from past relationships.
Society often only accepts being unmarried if one has been 'wounded' in some way.
The pressure to appear wounded can lead to exaggeration of past relationship traumas.
Wounds can be both a con, causing emotional baggage, and a pro, offering wisdom and compassion.
Dr. Taban suggests that those who have healed from past pain can be better partners.
The value exchange in relationships remains, but what is valued shifts over time.
At 50, people might prioritize different qualities in a partner than they did at 20.
Men's and women's desires may evolve, leading to different perceived values in potential partners.
By 50, individuals might not need as much from a relationship, which can be both freeing and challenging.
Dr. Taban's book, 'The Value of Others,' delves into the economic model of relationships.
The absence of need can lead to simpler, more enjoyable relationships in later life.
Having a deep emotional connection is possible but can be difficult to discern initially.
Developing emotional intelligence and effective communication skills can aid in forming connections.
Real connections are built over time through mutual effort and interest.
Dr. Taban encourages feedback and sharing of the episode with others who might benefit.
Transcripts
I'm Dr Orion taban and this is psyx
Better Living Through psychology and the
topic of today's short talk is dating
after 50 so this is a subject that has
been requested of me very frequently of
late and I've been cautious about
creating an episode on the topic because
I'm not yet in my 50s I haven't yet
personally experienced what it might be
like so take what I say with a grain of
salt that said I've consulted with many
many folks men and women in this
demographic and I think I have a few
points on the subject worth listening to
so let's get to it first and foremost
you have to understand that after 50
pretty much everyone that you might be
dating is going to have a purple heart
that is to say pretty much everyone will
have been wounded in battle and that's
because being wounded is the only
legitimate reason our culture accepts
for being being unmarried like if you're
unmarried at 50 and you've never been
married people will look at you like you
fell from outer space on the other hand
if you're unmarried at 50 because your
ex-wife cheated on you took your house
and alienated your children or because
you watched your husband die of
pancreatic cancer over three agonizing
and soulc crushing years guess what no
one is going to ship you back to the
front now whether if the only socially
acceptable way to be unmarried is to be
wounded this would lead to people
exaggerating their wounds in order to
escape the pressure and Judgment of
their friends and family is for you to
decide however we can certainly maintain
that people are incentivized to do just
that in any case past a certain point
everyone in the sexual Marketplace is
going to be wounded they're going to
have some scars they're going to have
some baggage and this can actually be a
pro and a con it's a con because as we
all know some folks can't let go of
their baggage not all wounds heal not
all wounds are allowed to heal and these
folks are going to be so jaded or
suspicious or cynical or doctrinated or
defensive that it will be next to
impossible to have a satisfying
relationship with them on the other hand
if people go through something and they
recover from their loss and pain they
might actually have some measure of
wisdom and compassion like some soldiers
are so traumatized by conflict that they
are no longer reliable communicators
however who would you rather learn about
War from the decorated combat veteran or
the West Point graduate who's never been
in a fight and this is why I think we
should all be cautious about listening
to the musings of overconfident
22-year-olds with respect to what makes
relationships
work as I've said previously pain is the
gift that nobody wants but it is a gift
provided you can learn from it and move
forward and those who have done so are
often much better human beings for
having suffered than those whose Good
Fortune have protected them from such
experiences now the second thing to
understand about dating after 50 is that
the underlying value exchange is just as
applicable now as it always has been
people still enter into relationships
when they exchange unequal Goods of
comparable value however what people
tend to Value tends to shift over the
course of a lifespan and this is
reasonable on some level marrying
someone at 20 because you think they'll
take care of you on your deathbed is
kind of stupid like you might not ever
get there that could be 70 years in the
future and it doesn't really make sense
to prioritize a skill set in selection
that if you ever do use it won't be
needed for the better part of a
century as I discussed in the book value
is
psychological the same assets or traits
or attributes might be highly valued at
certain stages of life and functionally
irrelevant at others now men never
really stop Desiring young beautiful
women however by the time they're 50
they might also consider such women to
be inan fickle and boring which will
significantly reduce the perceived value
of a potential relationship with that
demographic by the same token women
never really stop wanting an emotionally
compelling lifestyle and a comfortable
way of life however by the time they're
50 they might be able to provide this
for themselves they've either cashed out
from a previous marriage or they're at
the peak of their
careers in fact by the time you get to
this stage of the game there might
actually be very little that you need or
want from a
relationship and this can be challenging
because need is actually the pretext for
relating like it is very difficult if
not impossible to enter into a
relationship with someone who needs or
wants nothing from you and sometimes
people need to cultivate need in order
order to generate the conditions of a
relationship in the same way that
sometimes the government needs to create
jobs to reduce
unemployment if you appreciate the
insights on this channel I would highly
encourage you to get your hands on a
copy of my book the value of others over
the course of 432 pages I delve deep
into my economic model of relationships
and explain the behavior of both men and
women in the game of mating and dating I
also provide a lot of actionable advice
on how to get and keep more of what you
want in the sexual Marketplace once you
read the value of others you'll never
look at relationships the same way again
now available in ebook audiobook and
paperback formats the links are in the
description however this absence of need
is also the beautiful promise of dating
at this stage of life since the
individuals involved don't really need
anything from each other they can just
be two consenting adults who enjoy
spending time together like it doesn't
have to be more complicated than that
and how amazing does that sound you
don't have to worry about legal
contracts or children or money or
lifestyle or all the Myriad of things
that younger people enter into
relationships to get you don't have
illusions that relationships need to
last forever ever in order to be
successful and you may have actually
learned a thing or two about how
relationships actually work as opposed
to how they're supposed to work also you
should have very good self-awareness and
insight into what works for you and what
doesn't work for you at this stage of
Life which makes selection much much
more accurate you don't need the other
person for stuff because most likely the
two of you have plenty of stuff already
which means that you can have a
relationship with someone just out of
the simple fact that you like them wow
that sounds amazing when I talk with
people in this demographic especially
the women they all tell me that what
they're looking for is a real connection
they don't need the money or the kids or
the ring they just want someone with
whom they can have a deep emotional
connection and with respect to this
desire I have both good news and bad
news
the good news is that it's actually
possible to have a real emotional
connection with the vast majority of
human beings and the more effective you
are as a communicator the more
intelligent you are emotionally and the
more you're able to withhold judgment
and empathically enter into another
person's experience the easier it will
be for you to have that connection being
kind and patient and tolerant doesn't
hurt either and the good news is that by
the time you're in your 50s you should
be more of those things and if you're
not like what the are you waiting
for you're definitely not getting any
younger so when are you planning to
develop these attributes so a deep
emotional connection doesn't actually
require that much however the bad news
is that it's really hard to discern with
whom you are more likely to have that
connection like it is far easier to tell
who is Rich and who is attractive than
who is capable of resonating with you
emotionally even when a person has all
the attributes I listed in Spades you
typically need a certain amount of time
and a certain number of interactions to
really figure that out this makes
looking for a connection seem like
searching for an invisible needle in a
hyack and you can defend against the
hopelessness and frustration that might
seep in at this point by remembering
that real connections aren't generally
found they're built and they're
typically built bu by people interested
in building them however you may need to
provide other value in the meantime to
maintain the relationship until such
time as that connection can be
established otherwise the other person
might not stick around long enough for
you to do so that's what I got for you
today what do you think does this fit
with your own experience let me know in
the comments below and please send this
episode to someone who you think might
benefit from its message as its Word of
Mouth referrals like this that really
help to make the channel grow and anyone
looking to join my free Weekly
Newsletter or book a paid consultation
can do so on my website the links to
everything are below in the description
as always I appreciate your support and
thank you for listening
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