My Palm Lines | Jana Younis | TEDxInternationalCollegeBeirut
Summary
TLDRThe speaker shares a deeply personal journey with anorexia, detailing the physical and emotional toll it took, including losing over 20 kg in a year through excessive exercise and restrictive eating. They recount the struggle with distorted body image and the impact of societal pressures on their self-esteem. The narrative includes a period of self-harm and the challenges of therapy, culminating in a forced recovery that led to a painful but necessary confrontation with their eating disorder. The speaker ultimately finds value in embracing their imperfections and using their experience to help others, with gratitude towards their support system.
Takeaways
- 👨👩👧 Family members have distinct ways of using their hands, reflecting their daily routines and personalities.
- 🎹 The speaker's hands, once used for piano playing, became a symbol of their struggle with anorexia and self-harm.
- 🏃♀️ An intense focus on weight loss and exercise led to a significant drop in the speaker's weight, impacting their health.
- 🍽️ The speaker's relationship with food was severely distorted, viewing it as an enemy rather than a source of nourishment.
- 👧 Early exposure to weight-focused environments and diets influenced the speaker's developing self-image and eating habits.
- 🗣️ A loud internal voice drove the speaker to adhere to a strict diet and exercise regimen, exacerbating their eating disorder.
- 🏥 Despite entering therapy, the speaker initially resisted discussing their eating disorder, prolonging their struggle.
- 🔁 The recovery process was not linear, with the speaker experiencing multiple setbacks and a deep sense of guilt and shame.
- 💊 Medical intervention, including medication and therapy, became part of the speaker's journey towards recovery.
- 🤝 Support from a therapist, psychiatrist, family, and friends played a crucial role in the speaker's acceptance of their condition and the beginning of healing.
- 💪 The speaker's scars now serve as a reminder of their past struggles and a symbol of strength and the promise of a better future.
Q & A
What is the significance of the calluses on the speaker's arms?
-The calluses on the speaker's arms symbolize the physical manifestations of their struggles, representing the hardships they've endured, likely due to their eating disorder.
Why does the speaker mention their mother's and father's hands?
-The speaker contrasts their own hands with those of their parents to highlight the different stories and experiences each set of hands tells, emphasizing the contrast between their own struggles with an eating disorder and the more typical, nurturing roles their parents' hands play.
What does the speaker reveal about their own hands and their past?
-The speaker's hands are described as soft and fragile, with bitten-down nails and visible veins, indicative of their past struggles with anorexia, where they lost over 20 kg in a year through excessive exercise, laxative abuse, and calorie counting.
How did the speaker's eating disorder affect their social life?
-The speaker's eating disorder led to social isolation, as they avoided plans involving food due to fear and a distorted perception of food as an enemy.
What was the turning point for the speaker on August 9th, 2021?
-August 9th, 2021, marked the day the speaker decided to fully commit to their eating disorder, obeying the voice in their head that told them to count calories, restrict food intake, and exercise excessively.
Why did the speaker initially refuse to discuss their eating disorder in therapy?
-The speaker refused to talk about their eating disorder in therapy because they were still deeply entrenched in the disordered behaviors and mindset, and pivoting the conversation was a way to avoid confronting the issue.
What was the speaker's experience during the forced recovery period?
-During the forced recovery period, the speaker experienced constant pain and agony, feeling trapped in a cycle of thoughts and struggling to gain weight and eat enough.
How did the speaker's perspective on their eating disorder change over time?
-The speaker's perspective shifted as they began to accept and embrace parts of themselves beyond their perfectionism and pain, realizing that their value does not come from being skinny or perfect, and that they don't need to be a slave to the scale.
What role did the speaker's support system play in their recovery?
-The speaker's therapist, psychiatrist, family, and friends played a crucial role in their recovery by providing support, guidance, and a safe space to confront and overcome their eating disorder.
What does the speaker consider their scars to represent at the end of their journey?
-The speaker views their scars as a reminder of their struggles, a testament to their strengths, and a promise of the person they were becoming, signifying a transformation from shame to acceptance and resilience.
Outlines
🤲 Journey Through Anorexia and Self-Harm
The speaker shares a deeply personal narrative about their struggle with anorexia and self-harm. They describe the physical manifestations of their condition, such as calluses on their arms and bitten-down nails, which contrast with the softness and fragility of their hands due to the disorder. The story unfolds with the recounting of their decision to engage in life-threatening behaviors on August 9th, 2021, as they succumbed to the voice in their head that dictated their eating disorder. The narrative details their avoidance of food, the fear and horror associated with it, and the relentless pursuit of thinness that was fueled by societal and personal insecurities. The speaker also touches on their initial resistance to therapy and the cyclical nature of their recovery process, which included periods of restriction, self-harm, and a continuous battle with distorted thoughts.
💪 Overcoming Anorexia: Acceptance and Recovery
In the second paragraph, the speaker discusses their ongoing journey towards recovery from anorexia. They express the internal conflict of feeling guilt, grief, and shame for not being able to maintain the eating disorder they once had. The speaker's realization that their self-worth is not tied to their pursuit of perfectionism or the number on the scale is a turning point. They acknowledge the support from their therapist, psychiatrist, family, and friends as instrumental in their acceptance of their body and the start of a new chapter. The speaker concludes with a message of hope, indicating that their scars now serve as a reminder of their struggles and strengths, and as a symbol of the person they are becoming. The narrative ends on a note of gratitude and a renewed sense of self-worth and purpose.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Calluses
💡Anorexia
💡Exercise
💡Laxatives
💡Calorie Counting
💡Self-Harm
💡Therapy
💡Recovery
💡Perfectionism
💡Scale
💡Support System
Highlights
The speaker's arms are marked with calluses, symbolizing her struggles.
The mother's hands are described with freckles and red nail polish, highlighting her daily activities.
The father's hands are used for prayer, showing his concern for family and others.
The speaker's hands are soft and fragile, contrasting with her parents', indicating her different life experiences.
A history of anorexia is revealed, with a significant weight loss of over 20 kg in a year.
The speaker engaged in excessive exercise, laxative abuse, and calorie counting as part of her disorder.
The fear and horror of food and weight gain are described, emphasizing the speaker's internal conflict.
The influence of societal and familial pressures on body image and diet are discussed.
The speaker's decision to pursue a life-threatening path due to anorexia is shared.
Therapy sessions are mentioned, where the speaker initially refused to discuss her eating disorder.
A cycle of restriction and self-harm is described, illustrating the speaker's struggle with control.
The speaker's hands become a symbol of her self-harm, indicating a turning point in her narrative.
The decision to gain weight under threat of hospitalization is recounted.
The speaker's journey through recovery is described as messy and painful, with thoughts of relapse.
The realization that the speaker's value is not tied to her appearance or perfectionism is a significant insight.
The support from therapist, psychiatrist, family, and friends is acknowledged as crucial to the speaker's recovery.
The speaker's scars are redefined as a reminder of struggle, strength, and promise for the future.
The speech concludes with a message of gratitude and a renewed sense of self.
Transcripts
[Music]
my arms are stamped with calluses and I
accept every single one of
them my mother has freckles lined down
her arms and bright red Napal is
decorating her fingernails she uses her
right hand to finish up work and send
out emails and her left hand to hold a
cup of coffee she drinks throughout the
day my father puts his hand together
every night to pray for our family our
friends and the less fortunate people in
the world but my hands tell a different
story other than the coarse fingertips I
used to press down on the piano keys my
hands are soft and fragile my nails are
weak and always bitten down and my veins
shine through my pale skin after years
of suffering from an eating disorder
anorexia I lost more than 20 kg in a
year by OV exercising secretly in my
bathroom abusing
laxatives and counting my calories only
to reach one goal
skinny and when I found myself slipping
out of this cycle I began to cut and
hurt
myself when my distorted thoughts took
over I avoided plans that involved food
because my head was filled with fear and
horror of food and weight gain to me
food was the enemy so so all of this
caution was worth it because I was
finally losing the weight that weighed
down my self-esteem my whole entire
life as cliche as it sounds I've always
been insecure of the way I looked
whether genetic or Society stemmed it's
always been a pest that never seemed to
go away no matter how hard I
tried the women I grew up around were
very weight focused and diet oriented so
there was always a voice now and then
telling me to try these diets get
at 6 years old I refused to wear a
two-piece to the beach at 9 years old I
declined invitations to pool parties at
10 years old I started my first diet and
at 13 The Voice on my head was no longer
a whisper but a
[Applause]
Roar and there was a part of me that
trusted this voice a part of me that
sought comfort and satisfaction in
it August 9th
2021 the day my hands became the enemy
and the day I pursued a life-threatening
decision I would obey that voice I would
count my calories I would restrict my
food intake and I would work out as much
as I
could I stuck strongly to my decision I
did what the voice told me to do and a
few months later when I was admitted
into therapy I refused to talk about my
eating disorder and I pivot Ed the
conversation every single session so I
continued to lose weight although at
that point I had already attempted
recovery multiple
times and I know what they say recovery
isn't linear but my journey seemed like
a NeverEnding
spiral when I found myself slipping out
of this restrictive cycle that I created
for my myself my hands stabed me in the
back and I didn't know what to do was I
supposed to stop them was I supposed to
tell someone the truth when they looked
at me with a worried face and asked me
are you
okay more than a year had passed since I
took that decision and I was still
nowhere free from it it was a slippery
slope I was not content with my eating
disorder but because I did the decision
by myself I would have to dedicate
myself to it so I picked up new habits
worse habits
and in the next two months I lost more
weight than I had lost in the past 6
months
combined at this point I was on
medication I was still going to therapy
and I stopped cutting but I was still
stuck and things got
worse December 21st 2022 the day a loud
their voice took
over it was my therapist it was a threat
I'd be pulled out of school and admitted
to the hospital if I didn't gain
wait when I was first forced into
recovery I found myself in constant pain
and Agony unable to escape the world
pool of thoughts in my mind for four
months I was in partial recovery so I
wasn't gaining enough weight and I
wasn't eating enough however as I
started to go to therapy more often I
began targeting my anorex and my
sessions so I began to become more
comfortable with the approach I had to
take recovery was messy stable un
unstable painful and filled with Agony
and I always thought of relapsing and
many times I felt I was ready to do
so there was this always this underlying
sense of guilt of grief and of Shame as
though I had failed at my eating
disorder but as I began to accept and
embrace this new meme showing parts of
myself not only I enjoyed or was good at
but also devoting myself to helping
people with
anorexia I began to realize that my
value to the world doesn't come from my
perfectionism and
pain that this pursuit of skinny that I
created for myself wasn't realistic and
that I didn't have to be the prettiest
or the skinniest in my friend group to
be influential and contribute to the
world and that I didn't have to be a
slave to the number on the
[Applause]
scale and thanks to my therapist my
psychiatrist my my family and my
friends I was able to accept my scores
and start over my scars are no longer
shameful but a reminder of my struggles
my strengths and a promise of who I was
going to be thank you
[Applause]
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