Men Rarely Understand This About Women | Jordan Peterson
Summary
TLDRThe speaker emphasizes the importance of communication in resolving conflicts within a marriage, highlighting women's heightened sensitivity to negative emotions and their role as 'threat detectors'. He advises men to listen patiently, allowing their wives to express concerns without immediately jumping to solutions. The transcript also stresses the necessity of dedicating at least 90 minutes a week to discuss domestic matters to maintain a healthy relationship, and the idea that identity within a marriage is a continuous negotiation rather than a fixed concept.
Takeaways
- 👂 Listening is crucial in conflict resolution, especially with women who are often more sensitive to negative emotions.
- 🧐 Women tend to initiate discussions about concerns, which may not always be actual problems, but it's important to let them express to clarify issues.
- 🤔 Women's sensitivity to threat can be a strength in a relationship, as they often detect issues before men do.
- 💡 It's not helpful to jump to solutions immediately; allowing the discussion to unfold can lead to a better understanding of the problem.
- 👨👩👧👦 Spouses should spend at least 90 minutes a week discussing their lives, domestic economy, children, and relationship to maintain intimacy and prevent misunderstandings.
- 🚫 Avoid the tendency to 'box' your partner, which can lead to stagnation and boredom in the relationship.
- 🌱 Facilitating your partner's development and communication can keep the relationship dynamic and alive.
- 🤝 Identity in a marriage is a constant negotiation, not a fixed concept defined solely by oneself.
- 💑 True intimacy requires regular and meaningful communication about practical affairs and emotions.
- 👶 Women's sensitivity to threat is partly due to their role in caring for infants, which has evolved to include a broader sensitivity to negative emotions.
- 🤝 The importance of understanding and allowing for the expression of concerns cannot be overstated for maintaining a healthy relationship.
Q & A
Why is it important to listen to women when there is conflict according to the script?
-The script suggests that women are generally more sensitive to negative emotions than men and serve as 'threat alert' systems in relationships. Listening to them allows for the early detection and clarification of potential issues.
What is the role of women in a relationship as described in the script?
-Women are portrayed as being more sensitive to negative emotions and threats, often initiating discussions about concerns that may not necessarily be problems but are important to address to maintain a healthy relationship.
Why might women initiate more divorces than men, as mentioned in the script?
-The script suggests that women might initiate more divorces because they are more sensitive to the problems within a relationship and may pick up on issues before men do.
Why is it not helpful for a husband to immediately try to solve a problem brought up by his wife?
-The script explains that the wife may not know the exact problem and needs to discuss various concerns. Jumping to solutions too early can be unhelpful as it prevents the identification of the actual issue.
What is the significance of allowing a woman to discuss her concerns without interruption?
-Allowing a woman to express her concerns helps in clarifying the actual problem. It is a process of elimination that helps to 'zero in' on the real issue, which is essential before offering a solution.
Why is it crucial for couples to spend dedicated time talking about their lives and relationship?
-The script emphasizes that at least 90 minutes a week of focused conversation helps keep the relationship updated and prevents misunderstandings and drifts that can lead to divorce.
What is the recommended minimum time for couples to spend discussing their relationship and family matters?
-The script suggests a minimum of 90 minutes a week to discuss practical affairs, domestic economy, children, and the relationship itself.
Why is it difficult to have a romantic adventure with your spouse if there are unresolved issues?
-The script indicates that unresolved issues can hinder the ability to engage in a playful and intimate state, as play is a fragile state that requires a clear and sorted relationship.
What does the script suggest about the nature of identity within a marriage?
-The script posits that identity in a marriage is not fixed but is a constant negotiation between partners. It is not solely defined by individual desires but is shaped through mutual understanding and agreement.
What does the script imply about the importance of communication in preventing a partner from being 'boxed in'?
-The script implies that open communication and support for each other's development can prevent partners from becoming stagnant or 'boxed in,' keeping the relationship dynamic and alive.
What is the potential consequence of not engaging in regular communication with one's partner, as per the script?
-The script warns that without regular communication, couples may drift apart, leading to a higher likelihood of divorce and the breakdown of the relationship.
Outlines
👂 Listening and Understanding in Conflict Resolution
The first paragraph discusses the importance of listening to women during conflicts, as they tend to be more sensitive to negative emotions compared to men. It suggests that women often initiate conversations about potential issues, which may not always be critical, but their sensitivity allows them to detect problems early. The speaker, a therapist, advises against immediately offering solutions, instead recommending to let the woman express her concerns to clarify the actual issue. The paragraph emphasizes the value of regular communication in a relationship, suggesting at least 90 minutes a week to discuss life, family, and the relationship itself to maintain intimacy and prevent misunderstandings that could lead to divorce.
🔄 The Dynamic Nature of Identity and Communication in Marriage
The second paragraph explores the concept of identity within a marriage, highlighting that it is not a fixed concept but rather a continuous negotiation between partners. The speaker warns against the cultural misconception of an unchangeable personal identity and stresses the importance of allowing both partners to evolve and reveal new aspects of themselves. This dynamic interaction keeps the relationship alive and prevents stagnation. The paragraph also touches on the idea of 'boxing' a partner, a metaphor for limiting their growth and expression within the relationship, which can lead to boredom and dissatisfaction. The speaker encourages open communication and mutual support for personal development to maintain a vibrant and fulfilling marriage.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Conflict Resolution
💡Listening
💡Sensitivity to Negative Emotion
💡Agreeableness
💡Threat Detection
💡Divorce Initiation
💡Therapy
💡Problem-Solving
💡Intimacy
💡Communication
💡Romantic Adventure
💡Identity Negotiation
Highlights
Listening is crucial in resolving conflicts with your wife.
Women are generally more sensitive to negative emotions than men.
Women often bring up concerns due to their higher sensitivity to threats.
Men should avoid jumping to solutions too early when addressing their wife's concerns.
Allowing women to express their concerns fully helps in identifying the real problem.
Spending 90 minutes a week discussing life and relationship issues is vital for a healthy marriage.
Addressing issues regularly prevents problems from escalating to divorce.
Intimacy and romantic adventure require resolving underlying issues in a relationship.
Negotiating identity with your partner is a constant and necessary process.
Effective communication helps keep the relationship dynamic and alive.
People often unconsciously confine their partners, stifling growth and excitement.
Facilitating each other's development reveals new aspects of the partner, maintaining relationship vitality.
Understanding your partner deeply prevents the boredom that can come from boxing them in.
Even wise and mature individuals need to practice patience and listening in relationships.
Constant communication weaves your stories together, ensuring mutual understanding and shared goals.
Transcripts
how do you approach your wife when there
is
conflict well one of the things you have
to understand about women is you have to
listen to them so women are more
sensitive to negative emotion than men
on average my wife is actually
insensitive to negative emotion for a
female but generally speaking women are
more agreeable that would be part of the
maternal dimension of their personality
and they're more sensitive to negative
emotion so they're detection systems and
so a woman will bring you her concerns
now
because she's sensitive to threat she
produces a fair number of false
positives right so she's concerned about
things that maybe aren't maybe it's not
necessary to be concerned about but
she'll be concerned about them before
you are women initiate about 75% of
divorces for example and you might say
well that means women are primarily
Troublesome within a relationship it's
like well possibly it's also possible
that they pick up what's wrong in a
relationship before men do on average
and so and because women have to care
for infants that's why they're more
sensitive to threat that's not the only
reason they're also more sexually
vulnerable they're more physically
vulnerable makes perfect sense that
they'd be more sensitive to negative
emotion and that means that in a
relationship they serve the function of
threat alert and so a woman will be
concerned about something and she'll
bring her concerns to her husband and
he'll try to solve the problem right
away but that's not helpful because she
doesn't know what the problem is
necessarily so she has to wander around
and talk about all the things that might
be a problem and if you let her do that
she'll dispense with most of that and
then you can kind of zero in on what the
problem might be and then if you like if
you let the discussion unfold to that
degree then you can potentially offer a
solution but you can't do that too early
you learn this in therapy too like when
people come to lay out their life to you
you might even know what they should do
but you can't tell them first of all
they won't listen second they're annoyed
if you tell them because they need to
figure it out it's you can't steal
someone's Destiny from them you know if
you solve all your children's problems
for them well you might think well they
have no problems it's like yeah they
have a problem they don't how to solve
their own problems that's a big problem
and so you got to back the hell off and
it's frustrating for men often
to participate in that more feminine
mode of approaching the world but if you
understand
that a woman who's more sensitive to
trouble will detect things
early and that her discussion of those
things that upsets her will clarify
problems maybe even before they
arise then you can understand that it's
useful I mean I still have to even after
years of practicing this with Tammy I
still have
to stifle my proclivity to LEAP to the
solution you know but it's you want to
solve the right problem man so you got
to listen and my experience as a
therapist indicated to me that in the
typical marriage people need to spend at
least 90 minutes a week talking to each
other just about their lives just about
the domestic economy about their kids
about their relationship just to keep
everything up to date and it's very
difficult to have any true intimacy if
that
isn't allowed for did you I'm sorry did
you say 90 minutes a day no 90 minutes a
week is that
rare half marriages end in divorce so
it's rare
enough you know I mean you might find
that frustrating that you have to spend
that much time attending
to your domestic landscape let's say but
it's better to do that on a regular
basis than to do it in divorce court
while you're paying your lawyers you
know $500 an hour and having a custody
battle for your kids for 10 years which
is not a fate that I would recommend for
anyone who wants to have a happy life so
it's also the case it's very difficult
to engage in any
romantic adventure with your wife if
there's things between you it's very
hard cuz that's a form of play that
romantic adventure and play is a very
fragile psychophysiological state if
there's anything between you that hasn't
been sorted out you can't play so very
interesting I did not realize that was a
I mean 90 minutes a week sounds like
nothing hey man if it stops you if it
keeps your marriage together it's pretty
decent investment you know I say that's
a minimum yeah but you know and that
then that would be 90 minutes a week
that's specifically devoted to well like
your marriage and family as a business
let's say you know practical Affairs
practical Affairs may take longer than
that depends on how much disarray there
is in your life but if you start hoping
that it's going to be less than that
while you drift apart too you have to
weave your stories together like a rope
across your life you have to know what
your wife is up to and what she's
thinking and vice versa you have to be
on board with your interpretation of the
past and the present and also your AIMS
in the future and that's constant
negotiation see you know in our culture
we have this idiot idea that your
identity is whatever you say it is I
mean it's unbelievably immature and
narcissistic in a marriage your identity
is almost never what you say it is
you're negotiating who you are with your
wife all the time and vice versa and
with your kids for that matter your
identity if you're a civilized human
being your identity is a negotiation you
know people think I just got to be me
it's like I don't want to be around you
if that's what you're like I don't mean
that you should be a pushover and that
there should be nothing in the situation
for you you know that you live like a
bitter martyr only for the pleasure of
other people that's not helpful but
being mature means negotiating your
identity constantly constantly you know
that keeps you alert and alive too
and I spoke with a very wise man here
Tor norrander just a week ago and and uh
he said something interesting you know
he said that he could see all women and
his wife and I thought how the hell do
you figure that out that's a rare thing
to understand he's a very wise person a
Danish author
and if you communicate and
you then you have all that in your
relationship you can let all that make
itself
manifest and if you do that don't box up
your wife what is it Peter Peter pumpkin
eater put his wife in a pumpkin shell
and they kept her very well what does
that mean well that's what people do to
each other they put they put each other
in a box and they don't
let they don't let their partner or
themselves out of that box and then they
get
bored well if you communicate with your
partner and you facilitate their
development then they continually reveal
new parts of themselves and then your
relationship stays Dynamic and alive and
that's a good deal do you think people
realize they put their Partners in a
box you can get a to a very bad place
one idiot step at a time so do you
realize
it you realize what you're doing at each
micro step you may be completely
ignorant of the total consequence of
that you know like if you want to build
a pathological personality you do that
one lie at a time and you might say well
is someone with a pathological
personality conscious of their pathology
and the answer is no it's habitual by
that point but they were conscious at
each decision step
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