How to have "real" orgasms | Emily Nagoski

Summary

This script discusses the misconceptions surrounding orgasms, emphasizing that they are a brain function, not just genital. It clarifies that orgasms can vary greatly and are not always the dramatic experiences portrayed in media. The speaker offers insights on the neurological aspects of orgasms, the importance of context, and the psychological barriers such as 'spectatoring' that can hinder them. They suggest an exercise to explore one's erotic landscape without the pressure of orgasm, aiming to enhance pleasure and potentially lead to more expansive orgasms.

Takeaways

• 🎬 Media and pornography often depict fake orgasms, which can create unrealistic expectations about what an orgasm should look, sound, or feel like.
• 🧠 Orgasms are not just a genital function; they are a brain event with a neurological marker, emphasizing that the brain plays a central role in experiencing orgasms.
• 🌟 The experience of an orgasm can vary greatly from person to person, and the key is whether the individual wanted and enjoyed it, regardless of the type of stimulation.
• 🚫 Societal and media pressures can lead to 'spectatoring,' where individuals become overly self-conscious during sexual activity, hindering their ability to enjoy and achieve orgasm.
• 🔄 The concept of 'Criterion velocity' and the feedback loop suggests that a person's perception of effort versus progress can significantly impact their emotional state and sexual satisfaction.
• 🚫 Taking the pressure off orgasm as a goal can help alleviate the stress associated with 'spectatoring' and allow for a more relaxed approach to sexual pleasure.
• 🔍 Exploring one's erotic landscape without the pressure of achieving orgasm can lead to a deeper understanding and appreciation of one's sexual responses.
• 👥 Connection with others and seeking support can be an important antidote to feelings of despair or inadequacy related to sexual performance or orgasm.
• 🧘 The practice described in the script, akin to mindfulness or meditation, involves focusing on bodily sensations and learning to manage arousal levels to potentially achieve more expansive orgasms.
• 🌱 The exercise provided is a form of sexual self-discovery that can be practiced by anyone, regardless of gender identity, and can enhance one's sexual experiences without the necessity of achieving orgasm.
• ⏱ The script suggests that with practice and patience, individuals can learn to control their arousal and potentially sustain a state of high sexual tension without necessarily culminating in orgasm.

Q & A

Why are most orgasms portrayed in mainstream media and porn considered fake?

Most orgasms in mainstream media and porn are considered fake because they often depict a stereotypical and exaggerated response that doesn't reflect the wide variety of real orgasm experiences. This portrayal can lead to misconceptions about what a 'normal' orgasm should look, sound, or feel like.

What is the primary misconception about orgasms that people learn from media and porn?

The primary misconception is that orgasms should always involve a specific genital-focused reaction, which can make people feel they are doing something wrong if their experiences differ from what they've seen in media or porn.

What does the speaker suggest is the first step in understanding orgasms?

The first step suggested is to discuss what an orgasm actually is, followed by how they happen, why they sometimes don't, and then to provide tips for having a more expansive orgasm.

Where does the speaker say orgasms actually occur, contradicting the common belief?

Contrary to the common belief that orgasms are a genital function, the speaker states that orgasms occur in the brain, with a whole brain response and a reliable neurological marker.

What is the definition of orgasm provided by the speaker?

The definition provided is 'It is the spontaneous involuntary release of neuromuscular tension generated in response to sex-related stimuli.'

Why might an orgasm feel like a betrayal for some people?

An orgasm might feel like a betrayal if it occurs during unwanted sex, causing the person to feel as though their body has done something wrong, leading to feelings of brokenness.

What is the term used for the phenomenon where people watch and worry about their body during sexual experiences instead of enjoying the sensations?

The term used for this phenomenon is 'spectatoring,' which can hinder the enjoyment of sexual experiences by creating worry and distraction.

What is the 'little monitor' mechanism and how does it relate to orgasm?

The 'little monitor' is a metaphor for a mental mechanism that tracks the ratio of effort to progress towards a goal. When it assesses the goal of orgasm as unattainable, it can lead to feelings of frustration and despair.

What is the ironic intervention suggested for people struggling with orgasm?

The ironic intervention is to take orgasm off the table for a long time and instead explore one's erotic landscape, experiencing different levels of arousal without the pressure of achieving orgasm.

What is the purpose of the exercise described at the end of the script?

The purpose of the exercise is to help individuals expand their orgasms by learning to balance tension generation and relaxation, potentially allowing them to sustain a state of high arousal indefinitely.

How does the speaker describe the process of the exercise for expanding orgasms?

The process involves stimulating oneself to various levels of arousal, then allowing the arousal to dissipate before building it up again. This is done by going up to a certain level of arousal (like a 5, 6, 7, etc.), then letting it drop back down, and repeating this process while getting closer to the peak arousal level.