The Problem with Modern Love

Summary

This video explores the complexities and contradictions of love in modern society, discussing philosophical perspectives on romantic relationships, the impact of expectations, the importance of friendship, and the challenges of maintaining love. It encourages viewing love as a lifelong skill to be learned and developed, rather than an effortless, idealized experience.

Takeaways

• 💔 The script discusses a perceived 'Dark Age' for love, suggesting a widespread belief that modern approaches to love are fundamentally broken.
• 🤔 It acknowledges the complexity of love, highlighting that while people may agree something is wrong with love today, they disagree on the causes and solutions.
• 📚 The video aims to explore philosophical underpinnings of common love complaints and offer constructive criticism on friendship, passion, and affection.
• 🚫 The speaker disclaims having the final word on love, emphasizing the video is meant to aid individual thinking and reflection.
• 🎨 The script mentions the influence of Simon May and Alain de Botton on the research, indicating the depth of philosophical exploration.
• 💌 It touches on the transformative power of love, as depicted in 'The Sorrows of Young Werther,' and the irrational behaviors it can cause.
• 🔍 The exploration of love's darker aspects, such as obsession and the potential for self-destruction, is used to argue for a more realistic and accepting view of love's impact.
• 🤝 The video suggests that love and friendship should be seen as complementary, rather than opposing, aspects of a fulfilling life.
• 💡 It critiques the modern dating culture's focus on 'the one' and effortless compatibility, proposing that these ideals may be unrealistic and harmful.
• 👥 The script points out the decline in valuing friendship and the potential consequences of this cultural shift on romantic relationships.
• 💸 The video also addresses the role of physical attractiveness in love and the societal tensions around valuing and pursuing beauty.

Q & A

What is the central theme of the video?

The central theme of the video is the exploration of the philosophical background behind common complaints about love and the examination of how our modern approach to love might be fundamentally broken.

What does the video suggest about the current state of love in society?

The video suggests that there is a widespread belief that the way we approach love today is fundamentally broken, leading to a 'Dark Age' for love where it has become a great unifier across political and social spectra.

What is the role of Squarespace in the video?

Squarespace is the sponsor of the video, and the script includes a promotion for their website-building platform, offering a discount code for viewers.

How does the video address the concept of vulnerability in love?

The video acknowledges that love inherently involves vulnerability, as it can lead to emotional pain and heartbreak, and suggests that this vulnerability is a crucial aspect of the experience of love.

What are some of the philosophical beliefs about love discussed in the video?

The video discusses philosophical beliefs such as love being seen as a supreme virtue, a redeeming force, and a source of meaning and dignity in life, drawing from early Christian thinkers and the Romantic age.

How does the video view the concept of 'the one' in romantic relationships?

The video critiques the concept of 'the one' as being unrealistic and potentially harmful, suggesting that it sets unattainable expectations for romantic partners and overlooks the value of friendship and compatibility.

What is the significance of the phrase 'n's famous aphorism that which is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil'?

The phrase suggests that actions motivated by love can transcend conventional moral judgments, indicating a complex and potentially irrational aspect of love that the video explores.

How does the video discuss the impact of high expectations on modern dating?

The video suggests that high expectations, often fueled by romantic narratives and cultural myths, can lead to disappointment and dissatisfaction in modern dating, as they set unrealistic standards for romantic partners.

What is the video's stance on the importance of commitment in love?

The video argues that commitment is a crucial aspect of love, but modern society's emphasis on choice and the fear of missing out can lead to a lack of commitment, which in turn can hinder the development of deep and meaningful relationships.

How does the video address the issue of physical attractiveness in love?

The video acknowledges that physical attractiveness plays a significant role in romantic success but also points out the societal tension between the importance of looks and the disdain for those who prioritize them, suggesting a need for a more balanced view.

What is the video's conclusion about the nature of love?

The video concludes that love is a complex, often contradictory experience that requires effort, growth, and development. It is not inherently easy or straightforward, but rather a lifelong skill to be learned and refined.

Outlines

00:00

💔 The Dark Age of Love

The script opens with a discussion on the current state of love, describing it as being in a 'Dark Age.' It suggests that love has become a point of agreement across political and social divides, with a consensus that something is fundamentally broken in our approach to love. The speaker plans to explore common complaints about love from the internet, delve into the philosophical background of these ideas, and offer constructive criticism on how we approach friendship, passion, and affection. The video aims to challenge the audience's understanding of love and encourage reflection, acknowledging that the topic is vast and complex.

05:01

🌹 The Terrifying Power of Love

This paragraph delves into the powerful and often terrifying aspects of love, using Johan Von Gerta's 'The Sorrows of Young Werther' as an example. It discusses how love can lead to vulnerability and potential heartbreak, and how this intense emotional state can drive people to erratic and even violent behavior. The speaker highlights the early stages of dating, where feelings can quickly become irrational and obsessive, leading to a deep emotional investment that can be both rewarding and dangerous. The paragraph emphasizes the need to recognize and understand the darker, more chaotic aspects of love.

10:02

🤔 The Expectations of Love

The speaker addresses the issue of unrealistic expectations in love, particularly in the context of modern dating. They critique the idea that men and women have excessively high standards, often based on superficial qualities. The paragraph explores the deeper philosophical expectations for love, such as the belief that love will redeem us and provide meaning to our lives. The speaker references early Christian thinkers who elevated love to a supreme virtue and discusses how these historical and cultural beliefs have influenced our current expectations, leading to disappointment when love does not live up to these lofty ideals.

15:03

🌟 The Cult of Eros

This paragraph examines the prioritization of romantic love (Eros) over other forms of love, such as friendship (Philia) and universal spiritual love (Agape). The speaker critiques the modern focus on finding 'the one,' a concept that implies a preordained perfect match. They discuss the unrealistic expectations that come with this idea, such as effortless compatibility and the fulfillment of all emotional needs by a single person. The speaker argues that this focus on romantic love can lead to neglecting the value of strong friendships, which can provide emotional support and understanding without the same level of pressure and expectation.

20:03

👫 The Value of Friendship

The speaker emphasizes the importance of friendship in our lives, suggesting that it is often undervalued in comparison to romantic love. They argue that friendships can provide comfort, love, and understanding without the intense possessiveness and expectations that can come with romantic relationships. The paragraph highlights the potential for friendships to be a source of emotional stability and support, and criticizes the cultural tendency to prioritize romantic love over the nurturing of deep and meaningful friendships.

25:05

🔍 The Mysteries of Compatibility

This paragraph explores the concept of compatibility in romantic relationships, discussing the common desire to find someone who 'fits' perfectly. The speaker critiques the idea that compatibility should be effortless, highlighting how initial attraction can mask deeper incompatibilities that only become apparent over time. They discuss the pressure this places on relationships, as minor issues can be seen as signs of fundamental incompatibility. The speaker suggests that the idealization of effortless compatibility can set up unrealistic expectations and contribute to relationship dissatisfaction.

30:08

💔 The Lack of Commitment

The speaker addresses the issue of commitment in modern love, suggesting that a general lack of commitment is a significant problem. They discuss the concept of 'situationships' and the paradox of people wanting a life partner but seemingly eluding this goal. The paragraph explores the idea of 'despair of possibility' from Kierkegaard, where too many options can lead to an inability to commit. The speaker argues that the illusion of endless choice, fueled by dating apps and cultural narratives, can prevent people from making the deeper commitments necessary for fulfilling relationships.

35:09

🌌 The Terror of Beauty

This paragraph delves into the role of physical attractiveness in romantic success, acknowledging that looks play a significant part in initial attraction. The speaker discusses the philosophical history of beauty's importance in love, from Plato to modern times. They critique the societal tension between the importance of beauty and the disdain for those who prioritize it, suggesting that this creates a double standard. The paragraph highlights the challenges faced by those who feel underappreciated in the dating world due to their appearance, and the pressure to conform to societal beauty standards.

40:09

🤯 The Expectation of Self-Love

The speaker challenges the common advice that one must love themselves before they can be loved by others. They argue that this view oversimplifies the process of self-esteem and identity formation, which are deeply intertwined with how we are perceived by others. The paragraph discusses the philosophical underpinnings of self-love and its relationship with love for others, suggesting that love is a communal effort rather than an individual achievement. The speaker emphasizes the importance of mutual support in developing self-love and the potential for love from others to help individuals see their own worth.

45:12

🎭 The Dissonance and Harmony of Love

This paragraph explores the inherent contradictions and tensions within the concept of love. The speaker discusses the desire for a balance between contradictory qualities in a romantic partner, such as being both close and distant, selfless and selfish. They reference various philosophers and thinkers who have highlighted the unstable nature of love, which requires constant effort and adjustment. The speaker argues that love is not easy or straightforward, but rather a complex and challenging pursuit that involves learning and growth over time.

50:13

💔 Romantic Nihilism

The final paragraph addresses the potential for 'romantic nihilism,' a reaction to the broken promises of love. The speaker suggests that the idealized view of love as effortless and perfect can lead to cynicism and despair when reality does not meet these expectations. They argue that love should be seen as a lifelong skill to be developed, rather than an innate ability or a simple goal to be achieved. The speaker encourages viewing love as a rewarding but challenging pursuit that requires effort, growth, and understanding, rather than a mythical concept that will solve all problems.

Keywords

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability refers to the state of being open to attack, damage, or suffering, especially through being exposed to potential harm or by lacking the protection to prevent it. In the context of the video, vulnerability is associated with the act of loving, suggesting that love inherently involves a degree of emotional risk-taking and openness to potential heartbreak, as highlighted in the script's opening remarks on love.

💡Philosophical Background

The philosophical background refers to the historical and theoretical underpinnings that inform a concept or idea. The video discusses the philosophical background behind common complaints about love, indicating a deeper analysis of love's nature and the various issues surrounding it, drawing from the works of philosophers and thinkers like Simon May and Alain de Botton.

💡Commitment

Commitment is the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, or another person. The script explores the concept of commitment in love, noting a perceived decline in commitment levels within modern dating culture. It suggests that societal expectations and the idealization of love have complicated the willingness to commit to a single romantic partner.

💡Compatibility

Compatibility refers to the ability of two things to exist or work together without conflict. The video addresses the modern dating focus on finding a partner who is 'compatible,' suggesting that the quest for effortless compatibility may be unrealistic and contribute to the dissatisfaction with relationships.

💡Expectations

Expectations are the beliefs or anticipations about what will happen or what someone will do. The script discusses the high expectations people have in love, influenced by cultural narratives and romantic ideals, which can lead to disappointment when real-life relationships do not meet these lofty standards.

💡Romantic Nihilism

Romantic nihilism, as proposed in the video, refers to a general disillusionment with the concept of love, where the failure to meet idealized expectations leads to a rejection of love's value altogether. It is likened to philosophical nihilism, where broken promises of meaning lead to cynicism and despair.

💡Self-Love

Self-love is the act of having a high regard for oneself and accepting oneself positively. The video critiques the common advice that one must love themselves before they can be loved by others, suggesting that this view overlooks the communal and mutual aspects of building self-esteem and learning to love.

💡Despair of Possibility

Despair of possibility is a concept derived from Kierkegaard's philosophy, indicating a state where an overabundance of choices leads to inaction or an inability to commit. The script uses this concept to explain the lack of commitment in modern love, suggesting that too many options can lead to a fear of missing out and a reluctance to settle down with one person.

💡The One

The concept of 'the one' refers to the belief in a single, destined romantic partner who is uniquely suited to an individual. The video critiques this notion, suggesting that it sets unrealistic expectations for relationships and contributes to the pressure and idealization of romantic love.

💡Aesthetic Stage of Love

The aesthetic stage of love is one of Kierkegaard's stages of life, characterized by a lack of commitment and an exploration of one's options. The script applies this concept to modern dating, suggesting that the abundance of romantic choices can lead to a perpetual state of exploration without settling into deeper commitments.

💡Beauty

Beauty, in the context of the video, refers to physical attractiveness and its impact on romantic success. The script acknowledges the societal emphasis on beauty in dating while also pointing out the contradictions in valuing beauty highly while simultaneously condemning those who pursue it.

Highlights

The video discusses the contemporary issues with love and relationships, suggesting that our approach to love is fundamentally broken.

Explores the philosophical background of common complaints about love from the internet, including the impact of philosophical beliefs on our perceptions of love.

Analyzes the idea that love is seen as a solution to all problems, a concept rooted in historical and religious beliefs.

Critiques the modern dating expectation of finding a 'soulmate' or 'the one', suggesting it sets unrealistic standards for relationships.

Discusses the decline in the value of friendship compared to romantic love and its impact on our emotional well-being.

Examines the concept of compatibility in relationships, challenging the idea that effortless compatibility is natural or desirable.

Touches on the influence of physical beauty in romantic success and the societal tension between its importance and the desire to be beautiful.

Questions the modern belief that self-love is a prerequisite for being loved by others, suggesting it overlooks the communal aspect of identity formation.

Introduces the concept of 'romantic nihilism' as a reaction to the broken promises of love's idealized image.

Suggests that love involves a balance of closeness and distance, and that too much of either can be detrimental to a relationship.

Argues that love is a lifelong skill to be learned and refined, rather than an innate ability or a simple matter of fate.

Proposes that love is like a 'good bad boy' - a mix of contradictory qualities that we seek in a partner.

Points out the contradiction in our attitudes towards love as both a frivolous pursuit and a supreme virtue.

Analyzes the philosophical concept of love as inherently unstable due to the tension between self and other, togetherness and distance.

Advocates for a realistic view of love that acknowledges its potential for struggle, effort, and growth, rather than expecting it to be easy and perfect.

Ends with a call to see love as a humanizing and meaningful aspect of life, despite its challenges and the need for continuous learning.

Transcripts

thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring

this video more about them in just a

moment to love at all is to be

vulnerable love anything and your heart

will be rung and possibly broken it

seems like we have entered a sort of

Dark Age for love it has almost become a

great unifier across the political and

social Spectra no matter who we are and

no matter what views we hold everyone

seems to agree on one thing the way we

approach Love Today is fun fundamentally

broken they may disagree on the causes

or even what is broken about it but they

tend to concur that something is rotten

in the state of Romance when this many

people Converge on a single point you

can normally bet that there is some

excellent philosophy involved and with

something as universal important and

life affirming as love at stake it is

imperative that we take a careful look

at the issue so in this video I'll be

taking some of the most common

complaints about love from across the

internet and explore the philosophical

background behind those ideas and also

consider some constructive criticism for

the way we might approach friendship

passion affection and more get ready to

learn how optimism and cynicism are

close cousins how we have killed

commitment and why our ideas about love

are not just muddled but outright

contradictory as always bear in mind

that there is so much more to say on

this topic than I will do here and that

I absolutely do not have the final word

on the issue I largely hope this can

simply serve as an aid in your own

thinking and Reflections about love I

would also like to give a special

mention to the works of Simon May and

alandi Boton as they were incredibly

helpful while researching this video but

before we get started I want to thank

the very kind sponsor of this video

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but anyway back to love first I

recognize that people get a little bit

embarrassed when they're talking about

love so I want to clear the air by

reassuring you that when it comes to

love we are all a little bit mad one the

terrifying Power of Love in Johan Von

gerta's the Sorrows of young verta we

get one of the most extreme yet

troublingly honest portrayals of love in

all fiction and specifically its darker

and more terrifying aspects the plot

follows a young romantic man named Vera

as he falls deeply in love with a young

lady called Charlotte who in turn is

promise to her lover Albert in the

frustration and pain of his thwarted

love verta becomes increasingly erratic

whereas before he seemed peaceful calm

and generally like a reasonable chap if

a bit eccentric now he was almost

violent in his madness he eventually

drives both Charlotte and Albert away

with his outbursts and alone turns a gun

on himself to end his torment now this

is obviously a very dramatic story and

today it seems incredibly extreme but I

bring it up because I think it hits upon

an important point that often goes

overlooked in discussions about love and

specifically that kind of passionate

erotic love that can hit us at the early

stages of dating I think we all know the

experience of getting to know someone

and it becoming clear that our feelings

for them have become out of touch with

what is reasonable or rational to feel

at this stage you become painfully aware

of the fact that you are too key you

think about the object of your affection

far more than you would admit to anyone

outside of a therapist's office and

suddenly this person who you don't even

know all that well is of supreme

importance to you and their attitude to

you takes on a quasi metaphysical

significance the objectively quite

trivial details of their actions become

tiny opportunities for Obsession the

time they waited before texting you back

whether they laughed at your ever so

slightly cringey joke whether they broke

off eye contact just a second too early

each of these probably means nothing but

your AOS adult brain hunts them through

the night and invest investigates them

for Clues like a modern Seer reading the

future in the entrails of a cat and the

patterns of amorous Insanity do not end

there once you are together you start to

become ever more attached to this person

slowly the sense that you could do

without them Fades into the background

and they become a fixture of your life

you know that you could very well

survive on your own but in some sense

that idea remains unconvincing your

cognitive faculties are at odds with

your emotional reality the other person

starts to feel like an all while you

know that that is not strictly true you

push the idea that you could even be

separated far to the back of your mind

the concepts that your partner might one

day turn around and no longer love you

or die in some horrible accident or that

you might be split by circumstances

outside either of your control all of

these very real possibilities are denied

they are viewed as as absurd as asking

whether the sun will rise tomorrow you

are deep in emotional investment and are

willing to ride this thing as long as it

goes alternatively maybe something

entirely different and equally strange

happens your partner does something that

you find vaguely irritating and all of a

sudden you notice other parts of them

that are annoying as well our Rose

tinted glasses start to come off but

rather than replacing them with a more

compassionate kind of love one that

learns to appreciate our lover for who

they are our minds immediately flip to

the reverse we replace our Ruddy

spectacles with dark ones and everything

our beloved does strikes us as

unconscionably infected with them them

we resent them for not living up to our

expectations while at the same time

crying out for them to love us in the

way that we want to be loved

paradoxically we both desperately want

to stay and desperately want to leave

our mind is torn between two poles and

we start to go a bit mad to take a

fourth example of Love's Madness we

might allow our love to Blind us to

someone who is really quite awful they

might neglect us or hurt us repeatedly

beating us down with their scornful

emotions they seem to Us in contempt

hate us even yet at the same time this

only draws Us in more we say that the

problem must be us and we chastise

ourselves for not earning their approval

the beloved's level of affection becomes

the barometer for our self-worth and we

drive ourselves crazy attempting to

attain it if one of our friends was in

this situation we would tell them to get

out say that they are out of their minds

that almost anything will be better than

their current position and yet we stay

inexplicably against our r Ral Wills

only realizing our own Insanity after we

have already left these four examples

illustrate something that will become a

general theme over the course of the

video it's a thing we all know and yet

we hide from it because it makes us

really quite embarrassed at almost every

level love can make us a little bit

irrational insane and erratic it can

make us do things that we would never

have dreamed turn an ordinary person

into some Earthly Angel and hide the

fact that we are being treated in

incredibly poorly by someone who

professes to love us I want to

acknowledge this point because if we're

going to talk about love then we're

going to have to get over this

embarrassment none of us are perfectly

rational especially in this sphere and

there is a reason why being hit with

Cupid's arrow was seen as almost a sign

of Madness why it drove Dao to the

funeral P even when she had an entire

Kingdom at her disposal many of the

complaints we look at today are going to

acknowledge the inner emotional chaos of

love but I want to let you know that it

is totally okay there is nothing to be

embarrassed about and that it is

Perfectly Natural for this topic to draw

out of us all those aspects of our

characters we desperately want to hide

so for this video I want you to bear in

mind n's famous aphorism that which is

done out of love always takes place

beyond good and evil with that

groundwork laid let's take a peak behind

the curtain of our own affectionate

insanity and see the first complaint

that people have about modern dating two

l

expectations a huge number of the issues

people have with modern dating come back

to the idea that men or women or both

have expectations that are far too high

we are told that all women really want

is an absurdly tall man with baby blue

eyes who works in the city and that

conversely every man desires a comically

proportioned impossibly beautiful young

lady who is simultaneously sexually

veracious and chased to the point of

parody and to be fair I am sure that

there are some genuinely awful

expectations out there and that many of

them are very shallow but I think that

these superficial high standards mask a

far deeper more philosophical

expectation for love that we really

ought to reconsider the idea that love

will redeem us totally and unreservedly

to a certain extent I think this is

baked into the structure of falling in

love the early stages of courtship are

accompanied by an unprecedented flush of

chemicals in our brain that almost

resemble a drug binge and this helps

cement the idea that there is something

truly special and unique on the horizon

additionally we have inherited a whole

host of philosophical beliefs about love

that promise extraordinary things

notably many early church fathers began

to place love and specifically Divine

love as the thing that grants Humanity

its dignity and meaning Simon May

explores this point in fantastic detail

in his history of love for these early

Christian thinkers love eventually Rose

to become the Supreme virtue that we

humans should strive for we see St Paul

write that if we do not have love then

we have nothing we could do whatever

great Deeds we wished have faith Beyond

imagining and even the Divine gift of

Prophecy but if we don't have love then

we gain nothing in other words love is

painted as a missing ingredient and an

essential component of a fulfilled and

meaningful life to a certain extent

religious thinkers have a lot more

leeway here because when they say love

they are often talking partly about the

Divine love of God since God is

omnipotent and all loving there are all

sorts of things his love might be able

to do save us from hell for instance or

give his only son to redeem Humanity the

trouble is many of us are applying this

framework not to God but to other people

a huge number of romantic narratives

present love as having an almost

god-like power even when it is felt by

us mere mortals some have argued that

this is a peculiarity of the Romantic

age that emerged in the 18th and early

19th centuries but I think we can see

examples before them for instance in

Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet we often

focus on the traged of the protagonists

and forget that it is their love and the

consequences of preventing it that

caused the two vones families to put

aside their deadly Feud it is because of

the misadventured pitous overthrows of

the two starcross lovers that their

death buries their parents Strife as a

side note a lot of people really rag on

Romeo and Juliet these days but there's

a reason it's a classic it's not just

two teenagers did stupid things even if

it is definitely sometimes that this

idea that love is the Panacea the cure

for all your psychological and

philosophical ills has only increased in

recent years I cannot count the number

of romcoms whose plot is specifically

about a protagonist's personal problems

being plugged by another person romantic

love is pitched as the solution to

everything from Financial stresses to

existential crisis Beyond this we've

inherited historical ideas from the 12th

and 13th centuries about the ennobling

power of love which filtered from the

Muslim world into Europe in the wake of

the Crusades under this conception it is

not just that love can be a motiv Ator

to make you better but that love in and

of itself had a noble ethical quality to

it this idea was famously dubbed the

religion of Love by CS Lewis in his book

The allegory of love and it is true that

Romanticism has only intensified this

idea in everything from Jan Austin to DH

Lawrence you see love as the answer to

General problems of Life which at least

in theory seem to have very little to do

with romance in lady chat's lover the

protagonist is stuck in a Loveless

marriage and her Affair certainly helps

with that but it also manages to fix her

General onwe about life itself this is

actually a really interesting staple of

infidelity plots more generally the

affair not only rekindles the

protagonist's views on Love It

reinvigorates their entire conception of

life as I said I think this is partly

because falling in love does kind of

feel like all your problems are being

solved provided that that love is

reciprocated we are filled with such

rushes of excitement that the very

notion of an issue almost seems a bit

absurd how could we be unhappy when they

are there with Millennia of cultural

artifacts supporting this idea it is

easy to wholeheartedly believe it but

there is a small problem because while

love is wonderful it is not the cure to

every problem we have and deep down we

know this love did not save Tolstoy from

his depression and it will not help us

pay the bills the ideal conception of

Love rubs up against the nonideal world

and does not quite fit this might not be

so bad if we became comfortable with

this IDE idea that love is great in a

whole host of ways but it is not

omnipotent however we often draw the

exact opposite conclusion we say that

since this love did not solve all our

issues it must not be real love we might

not even consciously think this in

explicit terms but we begin to blame our

lover for the things that go wrong in

our own lives or as debaton wonderfully

put it we confuse being unhappy around

someone with being unhappy because of

them in voltaire's candid he makes an

incisive critique of the idea that we in

the best of all possible worlds he shows

how an overly optimistic Outlook can not

only Cloud our view of reality but also

prevent us from actually bothering to

improve our situation he leans towards a

sort of moderate pessimism where we

approach life safe in the knowledge that

things will definitely go wrong and that

there is no total solution to the issues

of existence and I think this attitude

may help us in the way that we approach

love it may be very comforting to

believe that once you are in love the

trials and tribulations of life will

gently Fade Into the background and we

are constantly bombarded with the idea

that this is the case but I don't think

it's a concept that will serve us very

well in the long run it expects our

beloved to have the power of a God and

that is far too much pressure to place

on a single mortal person of course

unlearning such a deeply rooted cultural

belief is far easier said than done but

this exaggeration of Love's power can

quickly become a destructive cycle

because it has the further rather

unfortunate effect

three The Cult of Aeros as is mentioned

in probably every article YouTube video

and thinkpiece on Romance the ancient

Greeks had a number of different

conceptions of Love among others there

is Aeros erotic love filia friendly

brotherly love and Agape or Universal

spiritual love Plato held that every

single type of Love had its place

because all of it set us on the road to

what he saw as the ultimate goal of Love

contemplating the forms of the good and

the beautiful today we tend not to agree

with Plato about the end goal of love

but these distinctions still remain

supremely helpful because the prizing of

romantic love has also led to the

prioritization of Aeros Above All Else

and this has potentially quite

unfortunate consequences let's start by

considering the Romantic concept of the

one in its classic form the one is

something like a soulmate they Walts

into your lives pre-made and perfect

metaphysically destined to be with you

perhaps this idea is best expressed by

Aristophanes in Plato's Symposium where

he theorizes that each of us is one half

of a single multi-med organism that has

been separated by the gods we must then

spend our lives searching for our

missing half so that we may then be

complete this idea has the component of

the one that has received the most

criticism in modern years the

metaphysical uniqueness of the one this

concept that there is one specific

person we are destined to be with is

falling out of fashion and probably for

good reason a te logical conception of

the universe doesn't mesh that well with

dating apps however predestination and

metaphysical specialness are not the

only properties of the one that exist in

our cultural Consciousness there are a

whole other set of qualities that we

often skim over but are equally open to

philosophical critique to name just a

few there's the idea that the one is

someone with whom you are effortlessly

compatible that they trigger an

instinctive erotic response that has a

unique phenomenological character that

all-important special feeling that they

fulfill all of your emotional and

physical needs just by themselves that

you do not argue or dispute or disagree

and if you do then it's a sign of deep

narrative trouble and that they know you

intuitively almost to the point of mind

reading or Clairvoyance you can see so

many of these in our classic romantic

narratives when Romeo has one

conversation with Juliet he is instantly

smitten as she is with him verta

describes in detail the special feeling

that Charlotte arouses in him believing

that they would be the perfect pair in

Notting Hill Hugh Grant is pitched as

being just what Julia Roberts needs and

while in all of these stories there is

dispute or conflict between the lovers

and they may not even end up together

this is pitched as a great tragedy

because of the idea in the audience's

mind that they are meant to be together

that they display all the

characteristics of being each other's

ones now some components of the one

might be very helpful for some people

there are very few things worse than

ending up with a lover who makes you

miserable so it is useful to have some

idea of what you want out of romance for

some people the cultural myth of the one

may do just that and nothing more

however I want to hone in on this idea

that a partner is meant to fulfill all

your emotional needs because this is

quite an idiosyncratic Concepts and I

think it risks idealizing love to the

point of unattainability it asks an

awful lot of just one person for

Aristotle it was not just romance but

friendship that was needed for a

satisfying life he wrote more on simple

felia than he did on the passions and he

specifically praised having a small

group of close friends with whom you

would all strive to be virtuous the

Buddha used to say that being surrounded

by a loving caring Community was a good

step towards Enlightenment while

Michelle deont thought that friendship

was how we became known by other people

without fear where we can reveal our

secret thoughts and be assured that we

are not being used but appreciated in

some ways I think we've taken these

insights on board in our modern

conception of love people are much more

likely to describe their partner as

their best friend than they were in the

previous Century nonetheless if we look

at the emphasis we currently place on

erotic love and compare it to the meager

attention we give to Friendship

culturally speaking there is no contest

besides a few Staples like the buddy cop

movie and the heist film Each of which

also tends to involve a romantic subplot

we give AOS far more attention than its

humbler cousin and we don't just see

this reflected in art friendship itself

is on the decline with the number of us

adults reporting having 10 close friends

dropping from 33% in 1990 to 133% in

2021 though of course the causes for

this are multifaceted I don't want to

denigrate romantic love here it is a

phenomenal part of life and something

well worth pursuing but at the same time

are we not perhaps putting more of our

eggs in one basket than is Wise by

valuing AOS so much more than felia we

may be simultaneously putting too much

pressure on our romantic pairings and

failing to appreciate the finer sides of

a good

strong friendship emotionally friendship

has a lot to recommend it we tend to

feel a lot less possessive over our

friends we are less interested in

impressing them we do not care if

they're attracted to us we are not so

close that we drive one another insane

at the same time they tend to have lower

expectations of us they don't expect us

to sweep them off their feet or thrill

them or show them special devotion while

your average friendship does not tend to

be as close as your average romantic

partnership it still has great potential

to Grant Comfort love understanding and

companionship and these are many of the

things that people look for in Romance

anyway even as an atheist one of my

favorite parts of the Bible is the

intense friendship displayed between

Jonathan and King David where the soul

of Jonathan was knit to the soul of

David and Jonathan loved him as himself

friendship is not inherently less

valuable than romance but we treat it as

if it is I have mentioned this before

but one of the most poignant parts of

the Sorrows of young verta is right at

the end where a series of characters

that we have heard very little about

start to weep over Vera's death these

are people who cared about him deeply

loved him and treasured him but he was

too blinded by his obsession with

Charlotte to see it he had become so

consumed with Aeros that he had

forgotten felia entirely and I think it

may be worth learning from his mistakes

so we don't fall into the same trap this

also links very closely with our

previous point because friends help

fulfill so many of our desires for

emotional connection understanding and

more if we begin to let them go or

devalue them then the expectations and

pressures on our romantic relationships

grow ever higher because they have to

fill an Ever deeper hole I can't see a

reason why love and platonic friendship

need to be opposed in this way ideally

they are the perfect complement in a

balanced life and yet we have tried to

make one the denigrated younger brother

of the other with disastrous results but

next I want to return to this idea of

compatibility in order to display an

unfortunate but liberating truth about

both ourselves and our lovers four the

mysteries of compatibility there are few

buzzword that are thrown around more in

dating than compatible one of the most

common complaints I have heard from

various people both in person and online

is I cannot find anyone who is

compatible with me and this is a totally

understandable concern because you want

to be with someone who you mesh with

someone who slots into you and you slot

into them uh

you know what I mean this wish is only

intensified by the first component of

the one that we just looked at

effortless compatibility we are

constantly shown narratives where two

people are not just compatible but are

so without the slightest hint of

struggle or strain often times the

reason that lovers are kept apart in

these stories is not to do with them

they would be perfect it is just some

pesky external circumstance or

misunderstanding in Disney's Aladdin

Jasmine and Aladdin are already

compatible the beginning of the film and

it is the overcoming of social obstacles

to their love that occupies the bulk of

the runtime the overall message is that

the old original Aladdin was right all

along and he did not need to change in

Rossini's The Barber of Seville the

count and Rosen are already smitten with

one another from the start and the

entire plot Works around how they rescue

our anenu from the clutches of her

guardian in Cinderella The Prince and

our aonomus heroin face no issues of

compatibility regarding their

personality it is just the pesky matter

of Cinderella's poverty and shame that

keeps them apart all of this reinforces

the message that total compatibility

comes naturally and to return to a

general theme so far in the video at the

start it often seems to when you first

meet someone you just don't know very

much about them and they don't know very

much about you Additionally you are both

trying your hardest to put your best

foot forward displaying all of your

Charming characteristics and hiding all

of the ones they might not like you are

unlikely to reveal your unhealthy

healthy obsession with Legos or your

fear of spiders or the fact that you

haven't changed your bed sheets in an

embarrassingly long time and the

beautiful person sat across from you

will also be concealing the way that

their last relationship damaged their

sense of trust or how they really hate

that twe jacket you have inexplicably

decided to wear the trouble is that

eventually our lovers will do something

that deeply irritates us or even hurts

us we will discover that at some level

our personalities or characters conflict

today this is often called by the

monosyllabic Monica it

that feeling we get when our beloved

does something that turns us off and

puts a dent in our idealized view of

them the thing that strikes me and many

other people about the modern I in

dating is just how small and seemingly

arbitrary they can be they range from

wearing a coat when it's cold to dancing

with a friend in a light-hearted and

silly fashion I think the reason that

the ick hits the person feeling it so

hard is because when we meet someone new

and we find them attractive we do an

incredible Gap filling exercise about

every part of them we don't already know

about in effect we become Masters at

self-deception and storytelling our own

personal ESOP crafting fables about our

lover sure we haven't experienced what

our newly minted beloved would be like

in a crisis but we feel assured that

they would somehow remain unflappable we

don't yet see our lover for who they are

but create an image of a sort of super

romantic whose every undiscovered

attribute will be somehow irresistible

to us as franois de Ros Fuko put it

sometimes it is ignorance just as much

as knowledge that keeps love alive this

issue also goes both ways if

relationships are meant to be totally or

mostly compatible right from the get-go

then there is only one thing to conclude

if our partner criticizes us or mentions

that they are upset about something they

are about to leave despite all your love

and devotion they are going to abandon

you because of your fundamental

incompatibility it means every problem

can potentially trigger an intense fear

response because each minor issue is not

just something to deal with as a pair

but instead a symbol of your ultimate

failure to live up to the Romantic ideal

the issue here is not so much the

problems themselves but again our

Strange expectations our habit of

imaginatively idealizing our romantic

Partners in the early stages does have

certain strengths it can encourage us to

take a leap of faith and commit to

someone make them seem uniquely

endearing and reinvigorate our hope if

we have been burned one too many times

but by the same token it sets us up for

failure in the long term because we all

have incompatibilities with one another

idiosyncrasies that will get on our

Lover's nerves and Neurosis that make us

temporarily incomprehensible to the

people around us this is not a sign that

we are broken or unlovable it is part of

Being Human the trouble with the idea of

easy compatibility is that our immediate

conclusion upon encountering a problem

is to suspect that the whole

relationship is doomed and that one or

both parties must be deficient in some

way they must not have been the one for

us after after all we leap from one

extreme to the other from they are

perfect to we are done for put a pin in

this idea as it's going to come up later

in the video this pattern idealization

disillusionment and abandonment seems to

be the cause of a lot of the

dissatisfaction with the current dating

Market people understandably Tire of

living the same cfan cycle of rolling

their Boulder to a first date only to

have it come crashing back down the hill

just a few months later the truth is the

moment we threw ourselves wholeheartedly

into idealization we also unwittingly

signed ourselves up for the latter two

stages the game was rigged from the

start but there is another side to this

that I want to explore and to do so I'll

be drawing from the work of an old

favorite of the channel the Danish

heartthrob himself sain ker guard five

the aesthetic stage of love one of the

most common issues people seem to be

facing in Modern Love is a general lack

of commitment I've heard people refer to

our age as the situationship era and

while the majority of both men and women

seem to want roughly the same thing a

life partner to settle down with this

seems to paradoxically be eluding both

parties normally when two people want

the same thing achieving that thing

becomes a hell of a lot easier so a

mystery emerges what is happening here

to prevent this well I would argue that

part of the problem is that we are

experiencing a despair of possibility

this is a concept I talk about all the

time and it comes from KAG guard's book

The sickness unto death it essentially

describes a situation where there are

too many possibilities and paths to take

and as a result commitment to a single

path becomes more and more difficult to

do until you find that you have wasted

all that precious time and now have

nothing to show for it at first it feels

very strange to think about having too

many choices as a bad thing we come from

a very freedom-loving culture and if

theorists like John Stuart Miller to be

believed more freedom and a greater

number of options tends to breed more

happiness so surely the Technologies

which increase the number of romantic

options someone has access to will make

them happier in love but if kard is to

be believed this is unlikely to be the

case for him an essential component of

fulfillment in any Endeavor is

commitment and commitment is much easier

if our options are any golden mean

between too many and too few much of KAG

guard's work is run through with his

three stages of human life the aesthetic

the ethical and the religious more

generally the aesthetic is characterized

by ISM a general lack of commitment and

an unattached exploration of one's

options so an aesthetic approach to

ideas would be to read widely but to

remain uncommitted to any idea in

particular taking pleasure in the

process of Simply learning the ethical

approach broadens our moral Universe to

include duties and responsibilities it

imates Us in communities and asks what

others require of us then the final

religious stage of Life involves an

unconditional commitment to a higher

power which for kard is God obvious

obvously his full views are much more

complicated than this and I cannot go

into detail on them now but I want to

focus on the commitment portion of the

stages the aesthetic has little to no

commitment the ethicist has some

commitments they take responsibility for

other people and the religious person is

incredibly and almost unconditionally

committed to something that they

wholeheartedly believe in in other works

like the present age kard bemon how

excessive options can leave us in the

aesthetic stage of life in a given

Pursuit there he talks about how too

much information and too many ideas can

dull our passion for anyone in

particular and we will cease to care

about the quality of ideas at all there

is a definite link between his despair

of possibility and the lack of

commitment found in an aesthetic life

and in today's romantic context we have

at least the illusion of lots of choice

dating apps will promise US that there

are hundreds of people just waiting for

us at the other end of the line our

cultural Legends of Love are filled with

handsome strangers chance encounters

romance around every corner even when

someone is in a committed relationship

the image of interrupting the wedding

ceremony and asking them to be with you

instead has become so cliche it is now

just a joke all around us we get the

message that if someone is not perfect

we can safely drop them or to quote a

popular online piece of advice if they

won't then find someone who will there

is not nothing in this idea total

commitments to another person comes with

numerous dangers and very few people

would want to encourage enourage others

to stay in situations that are making

them profoundly unhappy it is just that

this General attitude has a

philosophical trade-off it encourages us

to see love through the lens of the

aesthetic for kicker guard strong

commitment is always a little bit

irrational and to a certain extent I

think that's true Faith plays a huge

role in his philosophy because he thinks

it is a vital component in getting us to

do something that seems irrational in

the short term but is incredibly helpful

in the long run it's a bit like how

believing you will make a jump across

AAP will increase your chances of doing

so at any given moment committing to a

particular thing can seem sort of insane

because of the opportunity cost of

missing out on all of the other

possibilities but if we never commit

then we will end up missing out on all

of the deeper Joys that lie on the other

side of this commitment not least of

which is being freed from the question

of where the two commit I think this

idea of despairing at possibility was

best expressed by Sylvia Plath when she

said her existence felt like sitting

under a fig tree each of the figs

hanging from the branches represented a

possible life she could live a direction

she could take she felt she was unable

to choose any particular one and watched

as they eventually fell down to the

ground dead and rotten if there were

only a few options her decision would

have felt that much easier and she

probably would have chosen a fig this is

a bit like how kard would describe

living your entire life in the aesthetic

stage and when it comes to love that is

a disaster because it bars us off from

the treasures that lie on the other side

of commitment in our constant worrying

about whether we have chosen the ripest

best fig we eventually starve to death

surrounded by the corpses of what might

have been but of course this is only one

side of the equation the problems of

excess are balanced by the problems of

deprivation and there are a great many

who feel like they are deeply

underappreciated in Modern Love

principally because of their appearance

so let's turn to hear this perspective

six the terror of beauty there is a sort

of elephant in the room when it comes to

romance especially in the modern day and

that is that looks are unfortunately

supremely important trust me I was an

incredibly weird-looking teenager and I

am a slightly less weird-looking adult

and it is a night and day experience I

have many friends both male and female

who say exactly the same thing I imagine

it has always been harder to date if you

are not blessed in the department of

looks but as the way people meet one

another becomes increasingly image-based

turning to dating apps and social media

there is the general perception that

things have got much more difficult

philosophically this makes a certain

degree of sense even as far back as

Plato philosophers recognize that love

often began with the admiration of

someone's physical Beauty these

characteristics have always been

acknowledged as the starting point of a

lot of people's affections though

obviously not all however while very few

people historically argue that looks do

not matter there is a rich philosophical

history of pointing out how an

overemphasis on beauty can lead to a

mountain of suffering when it comes to

love in that very same book where Plato

talks about the origins of love in

Beauty he also mentions that the higher

stages of love should aim to outgrow

this physical infatuation while he

thinks we begin by appreciating physical

Beauty we should aim to develop into

treasuring the beauty of ideas again

Plato's particular reasoning for this is

idiosyncratic but the general thrust of

this concept has definitely persisted

Beyond him cognitively we tend to know

that as long as some attraction exists

looks are not highly correlative with

where the someone will be a fulfilling

partner for us in the long term we have

endless cautionary tales about the

seductive yet dangerous Allure of

sensual Beauty from the Trojan War to

the sirens to T Grant's character in

Bridget Jones Diary the message is

screamed from all Corners if you are LED

on by physical Aesthetics alone disaster

awaits the trouble is that people like

beautiful things and as far as I can

tell this isn't going away if it were

that easy to overcome we wouldn't have

been telling ourselves the same warning

for over 2,000 years and yet still be

deceived by a winning smile however you

already know all of that so I'm not

going to dwell on it here I instead want

to point out that there is a tension

between how Beauty functions in society

and how we treat the desire to be

beautiful or the complaint that one is

not sufficiently so on the one hand the

evidence that Aesthetics are important

is all around us but on the other we

judge the wish to become beautiful as in

some way shallow from mocking people who

work out for aesthetic reasons to

decrying makeup is the the domain of the

insecure there is this underlying

contempt often shown for people

attempting to improve their looks or

placing any importance on the at all it

is often seen as vapid or indicative of

some personal defect if they were truly

a great mind or a substantial

personality then surely they would not

concern themselves with such things I

think this is an incredibly cruel

societal message to put out while Beauty

still clearly matters immensely for

people achieving what they would like

both out of life and Out of Love this is

the first example of a themee that will

become more and more important later in

the video the way that we approach love

is mired in contradictions and internal

tensions For Better or Worse it seems

that physical attractiveness is a large

component of romantic success but we

don't like to acknowledge that it forces

us to confront quite an uncomfortable

part of ourselves that we are all

failing to live up to the ethical

standards set by our culture we are all

taught not just that looks do not matter

but that they should not matter from

there it is a short step to to if you

care about looks your own or those of

others then you are ethically deficient

in some way this then creates a

significant philosophical incentive to

engage in a sort of double think on the

surface we say that beauty does not

matter while secretly acknowledging that

it absolutely does but if we tell people

that looks do not matter then there is

only one thing to conclude from romantic

troubles it is something to do with our

character again it's not that this is

never true I'm a massive fan of

Aristotle so you'll very rarely catch me

saying we shouldn't work on our

characters but it is a bit like telling

someone struggling with poverty that

they are just not working hard enough as

an explanatory hypothesis it seems to

miss a huge component of the causal

variables at play it also takes

something multifaceted and complex and

tells someone that it can all be boiled

down to one fundamental fact you are not

good enough not just descriptively but

ethically as well again I think this is

a problem of idealization we want to

believe that love is selfless and kind

and caring about looks is sort of

selfish and sort of not that kind so we

reconcile the contradiction by saying

that love must not care about looks but

rather than this being a soothing balb

to someone's romantic issues it is

instead a cruel kind of optimism rather

than recognizing that we are all partly

at the mercy of causal chains that

existed long before us and that we will

never have full control over any aspect

of Our Lives including our love lives we

reserve every inch of fault for the

person suffering essentially we

transform romantic failures from

unfortunate circumstances to moral

deficiencies with this comes a whole

host of additional baggage like guilt

shame and a feeling of personal

inadequacy but none of this needs to be

there it is an artifact of our idealized

picture of love it comes from the same

simplistic philosophy that brought you

everything that happens in your life is

your fault and you can do anything you

set your mind to to borrow a thoughts

from buun chhan if we can do anything

then the only reason we haven't is

because we are not good enough far from

being a compassionate message to send to

someone struggling with loneliness this

strikes me as almost painfully unkind

this is the source of thought that

sounds friendly on the surface but

conceals a whole host of philosophical

sins that knowingly or not only

increases the sufferer's hardship to

continue this point further I want to

explore the relationship between the

love of others and self-love and how we

may have introduced quite a destructive

and deceptive principle into our

received philosophy of romance seven the

expectation of self-love as I was doing

research for this video there was one

phrase I came across over and over again

regarding dating if you can't love

yourself how can you expect others to

love you this was often said as if it

was ending the discussion a sort of mic

drop moment before the enlightened

purveyor of this aphoristic Amorous

advice strolled into the sunset and I

don't want to be unfair here because as

we shall see there is not nothing in

this but at the same time buried within

this phrase is a picture of love that I

think both demands far too much of us

and obscures its genuinely helpful

aspects my primary issue with this piece

of advice is that it treats our

self-esteem and our identity formation

as something that happens in isolation

it paints a picture where we Retreat to

our cave for a little while learn to

love ourselves and then emerge back into

the public sphere with Ironclad

self-confidence ready to take Tinder by

storm but I don't think this is a

realistic expectation to have of people

over the course of the late 19th and

20th centuries more and more thinkers

came to believe that identity formation

is only partly something we do

individually and is ultimately

Inseparable from how we are perceived by

others jacqu Lan and Jean Paul satra

both talked about how we form our

self-conceptions by seeing how others

react to us and adjusting accordingly I

can say I'm a fantastic football player

but I can't fully believe it until there

is solid evidence and other people to

confirm this position when I stroll onto

a field and immediately slip over trying

to kick the ball not only will other

people be unable to believe that I am

good at football but I will also

struggle to believe it myself this is

part of why a lot of child psychologists

Place such an emphasis on the messages

parents send to Children through their

behavior it forms part of the child's

later self-concept whether they see

themselves as worthy lovable and safe

partly depends on how they are treated

by their parents but then this raises a

question how on Earth are we meant to

fully love our our elves and be

confident in ourselves before other

people do I'm not suggesting that it's

impossible but I do think it is a lot

more difficult than it's given credit

for this view of Love also stands in

stark contrast to earlier conceptions

such as that given by Dante algeri in

The Divine Comedy his love beus ascends

through Paradise with Dante and

eventually Dante even sees the glory of

God reflected in the eyes of his beloved

this picture implies that love is not

simply a matter of two people coming

together already complete and

self-sufficient but rather a process of

mutual development this is echoed in the

works of someone like St Thomas aquinus

who described loving yourself loving

others and loving God as all part of one

shared project this is a far less

individualistic picture of both love and

self-esteem instead of self-love being

something that you learn by yourself and

then bring into the world it is

something that you and your beloveds

support one another in doing by willing

the good of the other for the sake of

the other we learn both that we are love

able and how to love others thereby

creating the conditions for self-love to

emerge or at least this is how I

interpret this idea for dooi it is often

the love and care of another person that

can spur someone onto their own sort of

self-love when aliosha displays his

spiritual love to grushenka this is the

first step towards her learning to find

her personal dignity and when Sonia

loves raskolnikov it is the very thing

he needs to embark on the long road to

abandoning his self-hatred and making

amends for his deed

in these Works love is presented as much

more of a communal effort and there is

no pretense that anyone can wake up one

morning and decide to love themselves it

is rather that we and by we I mean all

of us must help one another to see our

lovable aspects or to again draw from

Christian theology to see someone

Through The Eyes of an all loving God

you don't need to be religious to

appreciate that there might be some

value in this message it's also worth

noting that the love in question need

not be romantic in nature and this

commun task is pretty vital because the

valuable part of the idea that self- Lov

is a prerequisite for the love of

another is that a poor self-image can

lead to all sorts of self-destructive

behaviors that make perfect sense to the

self-hating lover but baffle everyone

around them including their beloved this

is explored in great detail by Debon in

various talks books and lectures he

concurs with other thinkers like J and

Lan that a need to be loved often but

not always begins from some feeling of

inadequacy we see in someone else both

the qualities we wish we had ourselves

and someone whose admiration would help

complete our self-image as a lovable

person it is a bit like how a chef might

desire a good review from a particularly

harsh critic to serve as the ultimate

test of their skill however debaton says

that this is often a catch 22 because

when our self-concept is truly in the

gutter someone liking us does not become

evidence that we were not that bad after

all but rather one of two unfortunate

things happen we either St to like that

person Less on the basis that we do not

want to be a part of any club which

would have us as a member or we begin to

feel incredibly dishonest we suspect

that the only reason that they have not

abandoned us is because they are yet to

discover our fatal flaw we conceive of

ourselves as in some way metaphysically

tainted they only like me we say to

ourselves because they haven't

discovered that I am secretly an ugly

repulsive Goblin this can turn the

experience of being loved into a source

of guilt we feel like we are conning our

beloved because if they still love us

then we must be playing some sort of

trick on them we exist with the

permanent anxiety of being discovered

either way we are apt to run from the

very person we most desire but therein

lies the Fatal tension it is hard to

convince yourself you are lovable

without love but at the same time it is

hard to believe that you are loved if

you hold the Deep seated to belief that

you are unlovable I certainly don't have

a complete solution here but I will

refer you back to the previous section

of the video where I talked about the

importance of friendship friends can

help us see our lovability at a much

lower Stakes level and as a result can

be vital pillars in building our

self-esteem yet another reason to

reinstate the value of friendship in our

society but now I want to move on to

what I think is the root philosophical

cause of a great many troubles about

love and it's going to be a tricky one

to untangle because I think that

fundamentally the way we conceive of

Love suffers from truly Dee rooted

internal tensions that make finding and

maintaining love less like discovering a

treasure and more like keeping 18 plates

spinning at once and that our failure to

acknowledge this sets us up for future

cynicism eight dissonance and Harmony a

brilliant song about love is Bo burnhams

lower your expectations I will spare you

my rendition of it but essentially it

goes through a series of qualities

people desire in a partner and suggest

that they are unlikely to find them all

at once my favorite line however is you

want a good boy a bad boy a good bad boy

a half good half bad half boy I love

this because I think Burnham here gets

to the Crux of the issue in love we

don't just want something special we

often want a connection where various

contradictory properties are kept in

perfect tension a great psychoanalyst

who touches upon this point is Esther

Perell she has written extensively on

how to keep romance alive within

long-term relationships and she talks

constantly about the two properties of

closeness and distance according to her

too much ESS has a tendency to kill

desire we forget that our partner is

another person that they are independent

and that they are not simply an

extension of ourselves it is hard to

feel intense attraction for someone who

you view as analogist to your arm but on

the other hand too much distance and

this can create distress anxiety and

damage the very foundations of the

relationship in her therapeutic

experience it is only when we

simultaneously feel safe and secure with

someone but also recognize that they are

separate from us that attraction

blossoms and blooms over the years this

meshes quite well with what a lot of

different philosophers and thinkers have

said about love in the Bible the

togetherness aspect is represented by

the two lovers becoming one flesh and

the separateness aspect is found in the

analogy of the married couple being like

Christ and his church two separate

entities for Aristophanes it was the

existence of a destined other half

versus the fact that they have been

cleaved in Twain for Tolstoy it was the

illicit availability of count vonsky and

the tragedy of Anna's pre-existing

marriage for DH Lawrence it is the

intense passion that exists between lady

chatly and her lover coupled with her

unhappy marriage and their class divide

for from it is the wish to meld with

another person coupled with the

recognition that they are not you this

tension between self and other

togetherness and distance makes love

inherently unstable by this I don't mean

that it is always chaotic but rather

that it does not rest in a single state

it is a bit like shopen how's Will

endlessly raging onward never stopping

never waiting requiring endless work and

struggle luckily there is little that is

more meaningful to struggle over and

this is only the start of the in

attentions in our concept of Love on the

one hand we are taught that love is in

some way frivolous a thing for children

we proclaim the virtues of total

self-sufficiency that is what is

required to succeed in this world a hard

exterior and the unwillingness to rely

on anyone else from the men going their

own way to the boss babes The Cult of

individualism buries its clause deep but

on the other hand we tell people that

love is a supreme virtue that it is

ennobling kind generous patient that all

you need is love and that a life without

love is simply meaningless we tell

people that love is one of the most

important human Pursuits and then

denigrate them for wanting it is it any

Wonder we end up miserable and Confused

to take another example we are often

told that love is selfless but on the

other hand we're often attracted to

someone who wants us in a slightly

selfish fashion we are present presented

with a sanitized idea of love that is

purely good incredibly chased and stable

and then we reach adulthood and a whole

chunk of us find that this is not all we

want we also want excitement and for our

lover to sometimes desire us as an

object at the same time we want to be

respected and cherished yet also be on

the receiving end of someone's

occasional selfishness we want them to

want the best for us but avariciously we

want excitement and comfort risk and

security stability and a rocking boat we

want sweetness Vitality gentleness

ferocity tenderness Instinct

Independence and possession we want our

lover to be both our best friend and a

beautiful stranger to know them better

than we know ourselves and yet for them

to remain full of mystery the

contradictions abound the tensions are

endless and even if not everyone is

instantiated in every individual person

some of them normally are love as

experienced by real existent people is

the desire for a Harmony of a whole

series of qualities that are at war with

one another and when we are at our most

unguarded say when writing or reading

romantic fiction we often admit this I

say all of this to bring one idea to the

Forefront on almost any plausible

philosophical analysis love is difficult

and only gets more difficult over time

there is something in the image of being

hit by an arrow or of Romeo's sweet

sorrow at parting from Juliet or of

hadway following the phrase what is love

with baby don't hurt me perhaps this is

the biggest myth we tell about love of

all that it is meant to be easy

straightforward instinctive and low

effort this perhaps sets us up for

failure more than anything else and it

is an Insidious thing to tell people

struggling with love surely it is more

realistic to see love as the well- one

reward of years of toil growth and

development as we learn to integrate a

whole another person into our lives and

us into theirs as we slowly develop the

skill of loving someone how they wish to

be loved and teaching them to do the

same for us Aristotle used to say that

for many skills and virtues there was no

other way to learn them but by personal

practice contemplation and habituation

he recognized that almost any personal

quality worth having was not going to be

a simple matter of knowledge that we can

reason out in an academy rather we will

have to investigate the world for

ourselves with the approach that we are

learning a skill developing practical

wisdom and improving little by little at

our chosen Pursuit I would gently

suggest that we start to think of love a

bit more like this it has numerous

strengths whether alone or with our

lovers we can start to look at our

romantic failings hiccups or

difficulties not as evidence of our

fundamental unlovability but of our

status as students at Cupid's feet we

can follow in the experimental attitude

of John Dewey and see this aspect of Our

Lives as not simply a goal to be

achieved but rather a series of Trials

to be slowly refined over time when we

inevitably mess up in love we can view

it like we've just knocked over our

paintbrushes or written a cliche in our

notebook it no longer supports the

hypothesis that we are broken but rather

that we are learning a lifelong skill

and one we won't be finished with when

we close our eyes for the final time

hopefully with a heart bursting with

love I can hear people already saying

that this idea of Love requiring

constant effort and learning and skill

and development has robbed it of much of

its luster so allow me to say why I

don't think that is true and in any case

that it is far better than the

alternative nine romantic nihilism in

all my research for this video I still

did not come across a singular term to

describe the general malays that many

people feel about the concept of Love at

the moment and I would like to propose

one romantic nihilism in my favorite

analysis of philosophical nihilism John

Stewart identifies that nihilism begins

a reaction to broken promises for

hundreds of years we were told that

there was a God and afterlife and our

lives had inherent meaning and gradually

people started to view these as false

and more than that as lies with nothing

to fill the void they became cynical and

pessimistic in a moment of empathy ner

describes how these nihilists had put

their entire trust and faith into a set

of ideas only to discover that they were

wrong all along now they feel foolish

forever believing them they display the

same sort of General undifferentiated

skepticism towards the world that many

who leave a cult describe in effect they

leap from one extreme to the other from

optimists and idealists to pessimists

and cynics and I think nature is really

on to something here about the dangers

of idealization in any sphere we like to

think that if we present a Rosy and

optimistic view of the world or of key

Concepts then that will protect us and

if they turn out to be false well then

we'll just adjust our views accordingly

but this is not necessarily the case if

nature is right then once the ideal

Falls away we just as often collapse

into total despair we reject

wholeheartedly the thing that we used to

desire recognizing that it is

unachievable in the way we wanted we

fall into resentment and Scorn we view

the object of our wishes as childish and

we declare that it is dead this analysis

fits almost uncannily well with how many

of our attitudes to romance have shifted

strangely it is easier to go from from

Love is Everything To Love doesn't exist

without our philosophies ever resting in

the Middle Ground the promises of love

we were fed as children are being broken

and we are reacting in a classically

19th century fashion straight from the

frying pan of the ideal to the fire of

the cynic if love is not to be

effortless endlessly glorious and solve

every one of our existential problems

then we don't want it anymore and I

think this is a real shame because at

heart I am a total romantic I firmly

believe in the powerful things love can

do be it romantic platonic or familiar I

think that it can stand alone free from

its mythical adornments it can bring us

someone to commit to someone to know us

and for us to know them it does have the

potential to make us Kinder and more

caring it is a natural way to infuse

life with felt value it can bring out

our selfless and generous Natures it can

truly be patient kind non-judgmental and

non-transactional we can learn to love

someone in a way that makes them feel

truly fulfilled and teach them how to do

that to us it is not that love will be

the cure to every one of our ills but we

have every reason to think that it can

be a real pillar of our meaning but we

also have to recognize that it will come

with struggle and strife endless effort

tension and contradiction however if we

continue to think that love must be easy

that it is endlessly Pleasant without

trouble or conflict that our partners

must be Gods rather than men and that

the ability to love is innate rather

than taught then I fear the greater

sides of love may be forever out of our

reach so if there is one idea you

consider from this video I hope it is

this much like a lover love itself is

neither Angel nor demon it starts out

seeming faultless then shows its flaws

and then finally we learn to love those

flaws too but this is not our god-given

gift but rather the end result of long

protracted efforts to learn how to love

to see our lovers as humans damaged and

battered by by the world fractured and

faulty in ways that will drive us insane

but when all is said and done we see

them as they are and we care for them

all the same safe in the knowledge that

they are looking at our broken bruised

and slightly mad psyches and thinking

the exact same thing the more false

promises we sell people now the more

future nihilists we will create when the

scales finally fall from their eyes and

they wonder what else we have lied about

but as always I encourage you to think

about each one of these ideas critically

there was a lot in this video to take in

and every single part is open to further

discussion criticism and development I

hope this acts more as a pump for your

own ideas than as a lecture and if you

want a totally different perspective on

love then click here to watch my take on

dov's radical and revolutionary

philosophy about love and care in all

its forms thank you for watching and

have a wonderful day