Why Brené Brown Says Perfectionism Is a 20-Ton Shield | Oprah's Lifeclass | Oprah Winfrey Network
Summary
TLDRThe transcript discusses the concept of 'armor' we use to protect ourselves, focusing on perfectionism as a defense mechanism against shame and fear. It differentiates between healthy striving for excellence and perfectionism driven by external judgment. The speaker shares personal anecdotes to illustrate the impact of 'what will people think' on behavior, emphasizing the importance of overcoming this fear to engage in brave actions.
Takeaways
- 🛡️ Perfectionism as Armor: The speaker describes perfectionism as a '20-ton shield' we use to protect ourselves from criticism, blame, and ridicule.
- 🤔 The Link Between Perfectionism and Shame: Perfectionism is often driven by the fear of shame, with shame 'riding shotgun' and fear as the 'backseat driver'.
- 🔍 Vulnerability and Perfectionism: People tend to be perfectionistic in areas where they feel most vulnerable to shame.
- 💭 The Mask of Perfectionism: While many are comfortable admitting to being perfectionistic, they may not be as open about the underlying shame.
- 🚫 The Cost of Perfectionism: Carrying the shield of perfectionism can prevent us from being truly seen and authentic.
- 🌟 The Difference Between Striving and Perfectionism: Healthy striving is internally focused and about personal best, while perfectionism is about external judgment.
- 🤷♂️ The 'What Will People Think' Syndrome: Perfectionism is often fueled by the concern over others' opinions.
- 👦🏻 Parenting and Perfectionism: The speaker shares a personal anecdote about preparing her son for his first day at school, highlighting the struggle with 'what will people think'.
- 🏆 Excellence vs. Perfectionism: The speaker differentiates between striving for excellence, which is healthy, and perfectionism, which is not.
- 💡 The Importance of Bravery: The script suggests that one cannot be brave while being constrained by the fear of others' judgments.
- 🔑 Unlocking Authenticity: Letting go of perfectionism can be a key to living more authentically and being open to personal growth.
Q & A
What are the three common types of 'armor' mentioned in the transcript?
-The three common types of 'armor' mentioned are perfectionism, numbing, and foreboding joy.
What is the relationship between perfectionism and shame according to the speaker?
-The speaker suggests that when perfectionism is driving, shame is always riding shotgun, indicating that perfectionism and shame are closely linked.
What does the speaker refer to as the '20-ton shield'?
-The '20-ton shield' is a metaphor for perfectionism, which people use to protect themselves from criticism, blame, and ridicule.
How does the speaker differentiate between healthy striving and perfectionism?
-Healthy striving is internally focused and about personal growth, while perfectionism is about external validation and what other people think.
What is the main issue with using perfectionism as a shield against vulnerability?
-The main issue is that while perfectionism is intended to protect, it actually prevents people from being truly seen and understood.
Why does the speaker mention the example of her son's first day at school?
-The speaker uses the example to illustrate how the fear of what others might think can drive perfectionism and affect behavior.
What does the speaker suggest is a barrier to doing brave things?
-The speaker suggests that the fear of what others will think, or perfectionism, acts as a straight jacket that prevents bravery.
What is the difference between 'what will people think' and striving for excellence, according to the transcript?
-Striving for excellence is about personal growth and doing the best one can, while 'what will people think' is about seeking external validation and approval.
How does the speaker describe the impact of perfectionism on a person's ability to connect with others?
-The speaker implies that perfectionism can act as a barrier to genuine connection, as it prevents people from showing their true selves.
What is the speaker's view on the importance of understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism?
-The speaker believes it's crucial to understand the difference because it helps individuals to pursue personal growth without being hindered by the need for external validation.
How does the speaker relate the concept of perfectionism to the idea of being seen?
-The speaker suggests that while people use perfectionism as a shield to avoid being hurt, it paradoxically keeps them from being truly seen by others.
Outlines
🛡️ Perfectionism as a Shield Against Vulnerability
The first paragraph discusses the concept of perfectionism as a common armor people use to protect themselves from feelings of shame. It highlights the idea that perfectionism is driven by the fear of criticism, blame, and ridicule. The speaker uses a personal anecdote about receiving an email to illustrate how perfectionism is often associated with shame. The paragraph differentiates between healthy striving for excellence and perfectionism, which is more externally focused on avoiding judgment from others. The speaker emphasizes that perfectionism acts as a heavy shield that prevents individuals from being truly seen and authentic, ultimately hindering bravery and genuine connection.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Armor
💡Perfectionism
💡Shame
💡Fear
💡Criticism
💡Blame
💡Ridicule
💡Healthy Striving
💡Worthiness
💡Cynicism
💡Being Seen
Highlights
The big three armors against vulnerability are perfectionism, numbing, foreboding joy, and cynicism.
Perfectionism is often a response to feeling vulnerable to shame.
Shame is always present when perfectionism is driving, with fear as a backseat driver.
Perfectionism is a 20-ton shield that prevents us from being seen while trying to avoid criticism and ridicule.
The difference between healthy striving and perfectionism lies in the focus on internal motivation versus external judgment.
Healthy striving is about personal excellence, while perfectionism is about avoiding what people will think.
The speaker humorously denies being a perfectionist, identifying as someone who strives for excellence.
An example of perfectionism is the concern over what people will think about the speaker's son's first day at school.
Perfectionism can manifest in the smallest details, like a child's monogramming and lunch preparation.
The fear of judgment can lead to an obsession with what others think, hindering bravery.
Cynicism is presented as a form of armor that can be cool but also a barrier to connection.
Being critical is another form of armor that can protect us from perceived threats but at the cost of genuine relationships.
The transcript explores the concept of armor as a defense mechanism against emotional vulnerability.
Armor can be heavy and burdensome, preventing genuine self-expression and connection with others.
The speaker emphasizes the importance of recognizing and addressing the armor we wear to protect ourselves.
The transcript encourages a deeper understanding of the psychological impact of armor and its effects on personal growth.
The speaker shares personal anecdotes to illustrate the concepts of armor and its emotional implications.
The transcript provides insights into how to identify and potentially overcome the armor that may be limiting one's life.
Transcripts
let's talk about some of the most common
examples of armor you were talking about
the armor that we put on to protect
ourselves yeah i think the big three are
perfectionism numbing foreboding joy and
there's also cynicism cool and
being critical so let's look at them
perfectionism how many of you struggle
with perfectionism a little bit
okay so my favorite story is that
someone sent me an email one time that
said hey i know you have a book on shame
not so interested in that but when if
you have a right on perfectionism
i can't wait
so here's the here's the secret
when perfectionism is driving
shame is always writing shotgun
and fear is the annoying backseat driver
say it again
when when perfectionism is driving
shame is always riding shotgun
we struggle with perfectionism in areas
where
we feel most vulnerable to shame
does that make sense so we're all
comfortable saying i'm a little
perfectionistic which is code for like i
do things really well
um but i don't really i'm not
comfortable saying i have shame but
perfectionism what is that i call it the
20-ton shield here's what perfectionism
really is
it's a way of thinking that says this if
i look perfect live perfect work perfect
i can avoid or minimize criticism blame
and ridicule whoa that's good all
perfectionism is
is the 20-ton shield that we carry
around hoping that it'll keep us from
being hurt
when in truth what it does is it keeps
us from being seen and so we had a great
talk about what's the difference between
perfectionism yes cause somebody on my
staff had the nerve to tell me that i
was a perfectionist and i absolutely
denied that and you stood by me thank
you very much
because i'm not a perfectionist i'm a
person who strives for excellence and
requires excellence there there is a
difference is there not there is a
difference here's the difference because
sometimes i'm a healthy striver yeah and
sometimes i'm a perfectionist it depends
on if i'm feeling if i've got a
worthiness crunch going on so healthy
striving is internally focused it's i
want to do this and be the best i can be
perfectionism is not about what i want
it's perfectionism is exactly what will
people think think yes
so how many of you have driven by what
will people think so i'll give you a
great example
so to you know while we're taping these
my son's first day at school
and so which is i'll be home tomorrow
right it's not a big deal but it's what
will people think is he in the first
grade second second so he is monogrammed
from toe to toe
his hair cut everything's laid out
his lunch will have some kind of
vegetable fruit ratio that's perfect
um
because i
am struggling a little bit
because you're here with me and not and
what will people fake what will people
think they're going to think there she
is up there with oprah yeah
talk talking about how to be a good
parent
parents yes
right but so i don't think so the thing
is
you can't ever do anything brave
if you're completely if you're wearing
the straight jacket of what will people
think
you
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