Stop doubting yourself and go after what you really, really want | Mario Lanzarotti | TEDxWilmington

Summary

The speaker explores the concept of self-doubt, challenging the notion that it is purely negative. They share personal experiences, including a struggle with self-doubt during pilot training, and how it led to a deeper understanding of self-love and acceptance. The talk emphasizes that self-doubt can be a catalyst for self-improvement when approached with courage, vulnerability, and self-compassion. The key takeaways include sharing self-doubt with trusted individuals, developing a loving relationship with self-doubt, and forgiving oneself for past failures to harness its power for personal growth.

Takeaways

• 🤔 Self-doubt is a natural part of the human experience and can be a catalyst for personal growth and transformation.
• 🧐 Self-doubt often arises from questioning one's abilities to solve problems and can lead to a stifling of intuition and personal desires.
• 🎬 The speaker's personal journey with self-doubt began post-high school and was influenced by external sources like Hollywood and societal expectations.
• 🚫 The pursuit of success can lead to an identity built around achievement, which can exacerbate feelings of self-doubt when things don't go as planned.
• 🔍 It's important to confront and share self-doubt rather than suppress it, as doing so can lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation.
• 💪 Acknowledging self-doubt and seeking support can provide the confidence needed to move forward towards one's goals.
• 🛫 The realization that everyone faces self-doubt can be empowering and can help in overcoming the fear of failure or judgment.
• 💡 The speaker discovered that self-doubt can be a signal to increase self-love and reassurance, rather than a sign of weakness.
• 💖 Developing a loving relationship with self-doubt can help in unlocking one's true potential and pursuing what one truly desires.
• 🚫 The personal development industry often propagates the myth of fearlessness, but embracing self-doubt as a part of life can be more beneficial.
• 🔑 Forgiveness of past failures is crucial in overcoming self-doubt and allows for the extraction of wisdom from past experiences.
• 💓 True freedom and happiness come from self-love, which can make one unstoppable regardless of external achievements or failures.

Q & A

What is the speaker's perspective on self-doubt?

The speaker views self-doubt as one of the best things that ever happened to them, suggesting that it can be transformative when approached correctly.

How does the speaker define self-doubt?

Self-doubt is described as a mental conversation where one questions their ability to find a desirable solution to a perceived problem.

What role does self-doubt play in the speaker's life journey?

Self-doubt has been a catalyst for transformation in the speaker's life, leading them to confront their fears and find their true calling.

What was the speaker's first encounter with self-doubt?

The speaker's first major encounter with self-doubt occurred after graduating high school, when they felt stuck and unsure about what to do with their life.

How did the movie 'Catch Me If You Can' influence the speaker's life?

The movie inspired the speaker to aspire to be a pilot, admiring the character Frank Abagnale's lack of self-doubt and his adventurous life.

What was the major problem the speaker faced in pursuing a pilot career?

The major problem was the high failure rate of the pilot tests, with only a 5% pass rate, which induced significant self-doubt.

How did the speaker deal with the loneliness and self-doubt they experienced?

The speaker shared their feelings with their father, who arranged a meeting with an airline captain, leading to a transformative conversation about self-doubt.

What advice did the airline captain give the speaker about self-doubt?

The captain advised that everyone faces self-doubt, and it's the courageous ones who admit it and find support to move forward.

What misconception does the speaker identify in the personal development industry regarding self-doubt?

The speaker identifies a misconception that one must become fearless and remove all self-doubt from their life to be successful.

What is the speaker's approach to dealing with self-doubt?

The speaker suggests developing a loving relationship with self-doubt, viewing it as a friend that prompts self-love and reflection.

What are the three key takeaways the speaker provides for overcoming self-doubt?

The three key takeaways are: sharing self-doubt with trusted people, developing a loving relationship with self-doubt, and forgiving oneself for past failures.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 Embracing Self-Doubt as a Catalyst for Change

The speaker begins by challenging the audience's perception of self-doubt, suggesting it can be beneficial. They share their personal journey of self-doubt starting from high school graduation, influenced by the movie 'Catch Me If You Can', and the desire to become a pilot. The narrative explores the internal struggle with self-doubt, societal expectations, and the pressure of making life choices. It emphasizes the importance of acknowledging self-doubt rather than suppressing it, as it can lead to a sense of loneliness and misunderstanding of one's true desires.

05:04

🛫 Overcoming Self-Doubt Through Vulnerability and Support

In this paragraph, the speaker discusses how sharing self-doubt with others, particularly a trusted airline captain, was transformative. The captain's advice that everyone faces self-doubt and that admitting it is the first step to finding support is a pivotal moment. The speaker's journey into pilot training is highlighted, along with the realization that external motivations, such as money and status, do not equate to genuine passion. The paragraph concludes with the importance of being vulnerable, building trust, and the revelation that self-doubt can be a tool for self-improvement and finding one's true path.

10:10

💖 Cultivating a Loving Relationship with Self-Doubt

The speaker introduces the concept of viewing self-doubt not as an enemy, but as a friend that signals the need for self-love. They debunk the myth of becoming fearless and eliminating self-doubt from life, arguing that doubt is an inherent part of the human experience. The paragraph delves into the idea that self-doubt can be a call for self-compassion and love. It suggests practical ways to counteract self-doubt, such as deep breathing and self-reassurance, and posits that developing a loving relationship with self-doubt can lead to unlocking one's true potential.

15:11

🧘‍♂️ Forgiving the Past to Embrace a Fearless Future

In the final paragraph, the speaker emphasizes the importance of self-forgiveness in overcoming self-doubt. They share their struggle with past failures and the realization that self-blame only perpetuates doubt. Drawing on the wisdom of Mahatma Gandhi, the speaker explains that forgiveness is a sign of strength, not weakness. The paragraph concludes with the speaker's personal journey of forgiveness, which allowed them to find their true calling and live a life filled with meaning, suggesting that self-doubt can be the gateway to self-discovery and personal growth.

Keywords

💡Self-doubt

Self-doubt is a psychological state where an individual questions their abilities or worth, often in the face of challenges or decisions. In the video, self-doubt is presented not as a negative trait but as a catalyst for personal growth. The speaker shares personal experiences with self-doubt, such as questioning their ability to become a pilot, and how confronting and sharing these doubts led to transformative insights and personal development.

💡Intuition

Intuition refers to the ability to understand or know something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning. The video suggests that self-doubt can 'silence' one's intuition, implying that when doubts take over, they can prevent individuals from listening to their inner voice, which may guide them towards their true desires or paths. The speaker's journey involves learning to trust their intuition again after overcoming self-doubt.

💡Should voice

The 'should voice' in the video represents the internalized pressure from societal expectations, advice from 'experts,' and the perceived 'right' way to live one's life. It's portrayed as a source of confusion and a barrier to discovering one's true desires. The speaker contrasts this with the importance of listening to one's own voice and desires, rather than the 'should voice.'

💡Identity

Identity in this context is the sense of self, particularly as it relates to one's achievements or roles. The speaker discusses how people often build their identity around being successful and providing solutions, but this can lead to self-doubt when they fail to meet these expectations. The video encourages viewers to redefine their identity beyond success and to embrace self-worth regardless of external achievements.

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability is the willingness to expose oneself to the possibility of being hurt or criticized by sharing one's true feelings, fears, or doubts. In the video, the speaker emphasizes the importance of being vulnerable with trusted individuals as a means to overcome self-doubt. By sharing their fears with an airline captain, the speaker gained valuable perspective and support, illustrating the power of vulnerability in personal growth.

💡Imposter syndrome

Imposter syndrome is the feeling that one is a 'fraud' and does not deserve their achievements or position. The speaker experiences this when they feel out of place during pilot training, comparing themselves to peers who seem more passionate. This concept is integral to the video's message about self-doubt and the importance of recognizing and overcoming these feelings to pursue one's true calling.

💡Passion

Passion is a strong emotional connection or enthusiasm for a subject or activity. The video contrasts the speaker's initial, superficial motivation for becoming a pilot (money and status) with the genuine passion of their peers. The realization of their lack of passion for aviation leads the speaker to question their path and ultimately find their true calling, highlighting the importance of pursuing what one is truly passionate about.

💡Depression

Depression, in the context of the video, refers to a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can affect a person's thoughts, behavior, feelings, and sense of well-being. The speaker mentions experiencing depression and suicidal thoughts during their pilot training, which was a turning point in their life. This keyword is significant as it underscores the serious consequences self-doubt can have and the importance of addressing it.

💡Fearlessness

Fearlessness is the state of being without fear or anxiety. The video challenges the common personal development narrative that one must become fearless to succeed. Instead, it argues that self-doubt is an inherent part of the human experience and that embracing rather than resisting it can be more beneficial. The speaker's journey reflects this concept, as they learn to live with self-doubt rather than trying to eliminate it.

💡Self-love

Self-love is the act of appreciating and having a deep affection for oneself. The video posits that self-doubt can be mitigated by cultivating self-love. It suggests that by filling one's 'self-love tank,' an individual can achieve a state of peace and happiness that is not dependent on external achievements. The speaker's advice to embrace self-doubt as a reminder to practice self-love is a central theme of the video.

💡Forgiveness

Forgiveness, in the context of the video, is the act of letting go of resentment or anger, particularly towards oneself for past mistakes or failures. The speaker discusses the importance of self-forgiveness in overcoming self-doubt, as it allows one to learn from past experiences without being held back by them. The video encourages viewers to practice forgiveness as a means to move forward and pursue their true desires.

Highlights

Self-doubt is presented as a potentially positive force in personal growth.

Self-doubt defined as a mental conversation questioning one's ability to solve perceived problems.

The 'should voice' is identified as a confusing mix of advice from various sources.

The speaker's personal encounter with self-doubt post-high school graduation.

Inspiration from the movie 'Catch Me If You Can' and the desire to be a pilot.

The daunting statistics and personal stakes associated with pilot testing.

The realization that success and self-doubt are intertwined, even when pursuing dreams.

The tendency to suppress self-doubt and its emotional impact.

Loneliness as a common experience among those dealing with self-doubt.

A pivotal conversation with an airline captain that changed the speaker's perspective on self-doubt.

The importance of sharing self-doubt with trusted individuals to gain support and confidence.

The speaker's struggle with imposter syndrome and the realization of a lack of genuine passion for the pilot career.

The revelation that self-doubt can be a catalyst for finding one's true calling.

The myth of becoming fearless as perpetuated by the personal development industry.

The idea that self-doubt can be reframed as a signal to increase self-love.

Forgiveness as a powerful tool for overcoming past failures and self-doubt.

The journey from the head, through self-doubt, to the heart as the ultimate personal quest.

Self-love as the key to removing the power of self-doubt and achieving true freedom.

The applause at the end signifies the audience's positive reception of the speaker's message.

Transcripts

Transcriber: Martina Giambattista Reviewer: Emma Gon

Would you believe me if I told you

that self-doubt is one of the best things that ever happened to you?

Seriously.

Right now, some of you may be confused. Me too.

But as I learned the truth about self-doubt, my life transformed forever.

So today, let's go on a little journey that might transform your life, too.

Let’s explore: what is self-doubt?

How does it show up in your life? And how can you make it your friend?

Self-doubt is a mental conversation in which your mind questions

your ability to find a desirable solution to a perceived problem.

Such as:

What if I’m not strong enough to handle the pressure of running my business?

What if I don’t know enough to pass this important test?

What if I never find my true purpose in life?

Do questions like these keep you up at night?

Self-doubt can silence your intuition

and steer you away from even finding out what you really, really want.

You end up following the should voice,

which is a confusing combination of the advice you receive from the “experts”.

And while there may be a lot of wisdom,

there are also a lot of outdated views that no longer support you

in your evolution as a human being.

My first major encounter with self-doubt began as I graduated high school

and asked myself the question, what should I do with my life?

I felt stuck and full of self-doubt

because so many of my classmates seem to have it figured out.

I had no clue.

I got my inspiration like most high schoolers get their inspiration:

from Hollywood.

I watched the movie “Catch Me If You Can”.

Do you know the movie?

This guy had zero self-doubts.

I watched Frank Abagnale go from living an average life to traveling

the world while making so much money and receiving so much respect.

That’s what I wanted.

No, no, no. I didn’t want to be a con man.

I wanted to be a pilot.

I could see myself wearing that uniform, the sunglasses,

surrounded by beautiful women,

and finally feel like I had my life figured out.

Only, there was one tiny, major problem: passing the pilot tests.

See, if you failed the test,

you never got another chance as long as you're alive.

And 95% of the thousands of applicants fail.

Can you imagine the self-doubt?

Who am I to even try this?

No one in my family had ever done such a thing.

What if I fail?

I learned something profound.

In the pursuit of bigger dreams and goals there is a dark side.

We tend to build an identity around being the successful person

who always comes up with great solutions.

But how do you feel when you don't?

How do you feel when things are not moving forward the way you imagined?

How do you deal with the part of you

that feels anxious, inadequate and insecure?

Most of us push it aside. We focus on being busy.

We rationalize our feelings as unimportant.

We don’t like to talk about how much we doubt ourselves

because we think it makes us look weak.

So, when you remove all of the glory

that comes with pursuing bigger dreams and goals,

you uncover a daily reality for so many of us.

We feel lonely.

Lonely because we think that people wouldn’t really understand us,

if they truly knew how we felt.

So we end up alone with our self-doubt,

trying to figure this all out for ourselves.

Lonely,

because if you remove the constant doing from our life, well,

who are we really being?

Loneliness is one of self-doubt’s greatest allies.

I felt lonely and I shared my feelings with my father.

He made a few calls and several weeks later,

I was invited to ride on the carpet with an airline captain.

I was embarrassed.

I thought, talking with him about my self-doubt

it will make me look like I don’t have what it takes to become a pilot.

Yet somehow I found the courage to reveal my fears and doubts.

And what he told me transformed my life.

He said, “Mario, everyone faces self-doubt.”

Only those who are courageous enough to admit it

will find the support that allows them to move forward.

That conversation gave me the confidence and courage I needed.

A year and a half later, I began my pilot training.

Yeah.

(Laughter)

The first thing that I learned is that in order to overcome self-doubt for me,

I had to share my self-doubt with someone I trusted.

And it was like riding a wave of joy and happiness.

I was ready for takeoff.

But I wasn’t cleared for takeoff,

because self-doubt had other plans.

I felt completely out of place, like an imposter,

constantly comparing myself to my peers who was so passionate about flying

while I didn’t seem to fit in.

My motivation for becoming a pilot was not a genuine passion for aviation.

I wanted the money and the status so that I could feel

I did something meaningful and would have respect.

I wanted out.

And I was too scared to admit

that I was suffering to the point of depression and suicidal thoughts.

And then I remembered the wise words of the pilot,

who told me, “Mario, everyone faces self-doubt.

Only those who are courageous enough to admit it

will find the support that allows them to move forward,

while still feeling self-doubt.”

When you have the courage to be vulnerable

and reveal your doubts with people you trust,

you build a greater sense of trust within yourself.

True human connection sparks confidence within yourself.

Have the courage to reveal your doubts with someone you trust

to remove the control that doubt has over you.

Key number one to overcoming self-doubt and go for what you really, really want

is to share your self-doubt with people you trust,

so you can find the courage to continue.

I decided to open up about my depression,

and then I decided to quit this career with the people in my life.

What I feared was their judgment and rejection.

But what I received was love and acceptance as I spoke my truth.

Even though the pilot career did not work out,

I still learnt how to fly because I found my true calling.

During my lowest moments, I would watch motivational videos,

and it was like finally coming home, and I knew that one day,

I too would guide people to free their minds from the self-doubt

that is holding them back.

Here's something else I discovered.

There's a big lie in the personal development industry.

You must become fearless and remove all self-doubt from your life.

You may have heard this one and you may even believe it.

Remember we started with the idea

that self-doubt is one of the best things that ever happened to you?

I wasn’t going to keep this to myself. So here it goes.

There’s nothing that has you doubt yourself more than declaring:

I should not doubt myself.

It doesn’t matter what your track record of success looks like.

Heck, you might have even written a book on overcoming self-doubt.

As long as you're living this human experience,

fear and doubt will be a part of your life.

And the more you resist the fact that you doubt yourself,

the more power doubt has over you.

That’s because your mind cannot distinguish

between what you want and what you don’t want.

It will always give more power to that on which you focus.

So it’s not the doubt that is holding you back.

It's your relationship with it.

When you approach self-doubt as the enemy, you make it stronger.

Yet if you view it as a friend, it can help you unlock your true potential.

So consider this, what if every time you feel the doubt and the anxiety it brings,

instead of reaching for that snack

or checking your phone to distract yourself from that uncomfortable feeling,

you decided to give yourself love.

What if self-doubt is really calling on you to fill up your self love tank?

That means breathing deeply.

Giving yourself a hug. Reassuring yourself that you're on the right track.

Filling your self love tank means imagining a life

where you can give yourself everything you need,

regardless of what the world looks like.

Wouldn’t that be freaking amazing?

So, key number two to overcoming self-doubt

is to develop a loving relationship with self-doubt,

so you can go for what you really, really want.

Are you beginning to see how self-doubt may be one of the best things ever?

You might not end up becoming a pilot.

You might not marry your first love.

You might not get that dream job.

You might not achieve that lofty goal.

You’ll find something much more profound.

You’ll realize the true power within.

Understand this:

in striving to achieve desired goals, what you really, really want

are the positive emotions those goals promise.

True freedom comes when you no longer rely on your achievements

to give you permission to fall in love with who you are right now.

When you can love the person in the mirror,

regardless of your achievements, you become truly unstoppable.

That's because loving yourself brings peace and happiness.

So, the next time the doubt comes, don’t fight it, embrace it as a friend

who wants to remind you to fill up your self-love tank.

Often learning takes a little longer than we think it should.

After I had decided to quit my pilot career

and just discovered my true calling,

I still perceived self-doubt as my enemy.

I was too scared to fail again.

It would take me another seven years to realize this dream.

I kept looking back at my pilot experience, thinking,

I should have known better from the start.

I gave up too soon, I’m a quitter.

A guaranteed formula to staying stuck with your self-doubt,

blame yourself often for what you have or haven’t done.

My friends, not knowing how to deal with your doubts delays your dreams.

That's because when you think about stepping outside of your comfort zone,

your brain will scan past events to evaluate the risks.

That may sound something like this,

“Hey, bro, remember that time

when you invested all of your savings into a cryptocurrency and it didn’t work out?

Yup. That time dumbass.

Never gonna happen again. From now on, you’re going to play it safe.”

Your brain really wants to protect you from getting hurt again.

But what if there was a way to tell your brain,

the pain of my past does not determine the possibility of my future.

Have courage to proceed, there is a way.

Forgive yourself for your past failures.

Now, that may feel scary because forgiveness is misunderstood.

You may feel that forgiveness makes you weak

because you admit you let down your guard.

As Mahatma Gandhi noticed, the weak can never forgive.

Forgiveness is a sign of the strong.

Forgiveness means no longer denying reality,

because your brain will tell you all kinds of false stories.

One of the biggest being, I could have done something different.

The fact that you acted the way you acted is all the proof you need

to know that you couldn’t have acted in any other way.

Your mental, physical and emotional state produced the only outcome possible.

So it’s not your fault. And you couldn’t have done anything different.

Because you’ve had the experience,

you now possess new insights that allow you to make a new choice.

Now you’re responsible to decide what you’re going to do

with the wisdom you’ve harvested from that experience.

Will you let it be the weight of the past you’re still dragging behind you today?

Or will you use it to be wiser, more loving and more courageous?

Choose to be wiser.

I challenge you to decide to forgive yourself for all you think you did wrong.

Let go of blaming yourself.

Give yourself permission to express

a new level of confidence, passion and commitment,

which will drive you to your very best life.

So key number three to overcoming self-doubt

and go for what you really, really want

is to forgive yourself for your past failures and mistakes

so you can harvest the wisdom from them.

As I learned to forgive myself,

I found the courage to do what I do today,

which is truly what fills my life with so much meaning.

With the keys that I shared with you today,

I opened the door to free my mind from the thoughts that were holding me back.

And if I can do it, you can do it, too.

On the other side of self-doubt,

is the person you’ve been looking for your entire life.

Remember, loving yourself removes self-doubt’s power,

because self-doubt only exists as an illusion in your mind,

and your heart has no illusions like that.

The most important journey in your life

is the one you take from your head through self-doubt, into your heart.

And that’s why self-doubt i one of the best things ever.

(Applause)