The Best Relationship Advice No One Tells You
Summary
TLDRThe video contrasts the perspectives of John Lennon and Trent Reznor on love, highlighting Lennon's idealistic view and Reznor's realistic approach. It emphasizes that love alone is not enough for a successful relationship, stressing the importance of values, respect, trust, and compatibility. Through personal anecdotes and harsh truths, the video argues that while love is wonderful, it cannot solve relationship problems or compensate for a lack of fundamental qualities. Ultimately, it encourages viewers to prioritize self-respect and dignity over the romanticized notion of love.
Takeaways
- 🎶 John Lennon, despite writing 'All You Need is Love,' had a troubled personal life, including abusive behavior and questionable actions.
- 🔧 Trent Reznor, known for his intense performances, turned his life around, focusing on family and sobriety, illustrating a more realistic approach to love and life.
- 💔 Idealizing love as a solution to all problems can lead to overlooking essential values like respect, humility, and commitment in relationships.
- 👫 The belief that love is all we need may result in ignoring the hard work required to maintain a healthy relationship.
- 🤔 Love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship; it must be complemented by shared values, trust, and commitment.
- 📊 In a personal account, the speaker's wife attributes only 50% of their relationship's success to love, with the rest to commitment, growth, and values.
- 🚫 Love does not equate to compatibility; being in love with someone doesn't guarantee they are the right partner for a long-term relationship.
- 💊 Love is not a cure for relationship problems; emotional highs can mask unresolved issues that need practical solutions.
- ❌ Sacrificing self-respect, dignity, and identity for love can be toxic and destructive to one's well-being.
- 👂 Listening to and learning from the mistakes of others, especially in long-term relationships, can provide valuable insights for a healthy partnership.
- 👫 Friendship within a romantic relationship is crucial, as it provides a foundation to return to even during periods of conflict or disagreement.
Q & A
What song did John Lennon write in 1967 that is mentioned in the script?
-John Lennon wrote the song 'All You Need is Love' in 1967.
What contrasting behaviors are attributed to John Lennon and Trent Reznor in the script?
-The script contrasts John Lennon's abusive behavior towards his wives and children, and his controversial actions, with Trent Reznor's transformation from drug and alcohol addiction to a committed husband and father who prioritized his family over his career.
What is the main argument presented about love in the script?
-The script argues that love is not a sufficient basis for a relationship and should not be idealized as the solution to all problems. It suggests that respect, humility, commitment, and shared values are equally, if not more, important.
What is the script's stance on the idea that love is the ultimate goal in life?
-The script challenges the idea that love is the ultimate goal in life, stating that this perspective can lead to overlooking other important aspects of relationships and life.
What are the 'three harsh truths about love' mentioned in the script?
-The three harsh truths are: 1) Love does not equal compatibility, 2) Love does not solve relationship problems, and 3) Love is usually not worth sacrificing yourself for.
How does the script define a healthy relationship?
-A healthy relationship, according to the script, is one that is based on more than just feelings. It requires commitment, shared values, trust, and respect, and should not involve sacrificing one's self-respect or identity.
What role does the script suggest that values play in a relationship?
-The script suggests that values play a significant role in a relationship, potentially being the most important factor. Shared values contribute to compatibility and long-term relationship success.
What advice does the script give regarding the approach to finding a partner?
-The script advises using both heart and mind when finding a partner, evaluating not just the emotional connection but also the person's values, treatment of others, ambitions, and worldview.
What does the script suggest about the relationship between love and self-respect?
-The script suggests that love should not come at the cost of self-respect. A loving relationship should supplement one's individual identity, not damage or replace it.
How does the script relate the concept of friendship to long-term romantic relationships?
-The script relates friendship to long-term romantic relationships by emphasizing the importance of being friends with your partner. It suggests that friendship can help couples navigate periods of conflict and maintain a strong bond.
What is the script's final message about the role of love in life?
-The script's final message is that while love is a wonderful, necessary, and beautiful experience, it is not enough on its own. It should not consume us or cause us to sacrifice our identities or self-worth.
Outlines
🎶 The Illusion of Love as a Panacea 🎶
This paragraph contrasts the romanticized view of love with the realities of two musicians' lives. John Lennon, despite writing 'All You Need is Love,' had a troubled personal life, while Trent Reznor, known for his provocative art, found stability in love and family. The speaker argues that society often overestimates love's power, leading to neglect of other important values in relationships. The paragraph suggests that a healthy relationship is built on more than just love, emphasizing the importance of respect, humility, and commitment.
🔍 Love's Role in Relationships: A Closer Look 🔍
The second paragraph delves into the complexities of love in relationships. It discusses the speaker's personal experiences and conversations with his wife about the factors contributing to their relationship's success. They agree that while love is significant, it is not the sole ingredient. Commitment, shared values, and trust are highlighted as equally, if not more, important. The paragraph also presents 'harsh truths' about love, such as incompatibility despite love, the inability of love to solve relationship problems, and the potential toxicity of sacrificing oneself for love.
🛑 Love vs. Self-Worth: Prioritizing the Right Things 🛑
The final paragraph emphasizes the importance of not prioritizing love over self-respect and dignity. It argues that love, while a wonderful experience, should not consume one's identity or self-worth. The speaker warns against the common misconception that love can solve all problems or that it is the ultimate goal in life. Instead, they advocate for a balanced approach to love, where individual identity and self-respect are maintained. The paragraph concludes with the message that love is necessary and beautiful but not sufficient on its own.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Love
💡Idealize
💡Narcissism
💡Compatibility
💡Respect
💡Commitment
💡Values
💡Trust
💡Self-respect
💡Toxic relationships
💡Sacrifice
💡Self-worth
Highlights
John Lennon's contrasting personal life with his idealistic song 'All You Need is Love'.
Trent Reznor's transformation from a troubled past to a committed family man.
The cultural idealization of love as a panacea for life's problems.
The overestimation of love's role in relationships leading to a neglect of other important values.
The importance of commitment, growth, and shared values in a relationship's success.
The misconception that love alone can sustain a relationship.
The harsh truth that love does not equate to compatibility in relationships.
The fallacy of expecting love to solve all relationship problems.
The potential toxicity of love when it leads to self-sacrifice at the expense of self-respect and dignity.
The value of open communication in a relationship's success.
The significance of aligning on long-term goals for a healthy relationship.
The advice that friendship is the most important aspect of a lasting marriage.
The comparison of tolerating unacceptable behavior in romantic relationships that would not be tolerated in friendships.
The assertion that love often creates more problems rather than solving them.
The importance of not letting love consume one's identity or self-worth.
The final message that love is necessary and beautiful but not the sole requirement for a fulfilling life.
Transcripts
- [Mark] In 1967, John Lennon wrote a song
called "All You Need is Love."
He also beat both of his wives,
abandoned one of his children,
verbally abused his gay Jewish manager
with homophobic and anti-Semitic slurs,
and once had a camera crew
film him lying in bed for an entire day.
- [Reporter] Can you tell us anything whatsoever?
(TV static hisses)
- 35 years later, Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails
wrote a song called "Love is Not Enough."
Reznor, despite being famous
for his shocking stage performances
and his disturbing videos,
got clean from all drugs and alcohol,
married one woman, had children with her,
and then canceled entire albums and tours
so that he could stay home and be a good husband and father.
One of these two men had a clear
and realistic understanding of love.
One of them did not.
One of these men idealized love
as the solution to all problems.
One of them did not.
One of these men was probably a narcissistic asshole.
One of them was not.
(air rumbles)
In our culture, many of us idealize love.
We see it as some kind of lofty cure-all
for all of our life's problems.
Our movies and stories and history all celebrate it
as life's ultimate goal, the final solution
for pain and struggle.
And because we idealize love, we overestimate it,
and as a result, our relationships pay a price.
When we believe that all we need is love,
then, like Lennon, we're more likely
to ignore fundamental values such as respect, humility,
and commitment towards the people we care about.
- We were on the break!
- After all, if love solves everything,
then why bother with all that other stuff?
You know, that hard stuff.
- Anybody thinks that you're gonna be
on your honeymoon for 51 years is ridiculous.
- But if like Reznor, we believe that love is not enough,
then we understand that healthy relationships require more
than pure emotion or lofty passions.
We understand that there are more important things
in our lives and relationships than simply being in love.
This, in my opinion, is the best piece
of relationship advice that no one ever tells you,
that relationships should be based
on more than merely just feelings.
Love is a touchy subject,
so to make sure I'm not crazy and I'm not getting divorced,
I asked my wife to sit down with me
and have a short conversation about love.
So.
(wife speaks Portuguese)
- (laughs) Already.
- Just kidding.
- So we've been together for over 11 years
and we're still happy.
(air whooshing)
- Very.
(bell dings) - Okay.
(wife laughs) Just checking.
What percentage of our relationship success
would you attribute to love?
- I'll say 50.
- 50? - Yeah.
- What would the other 50 be?
- Well, commitment, the ability to grow together.
- Yeah.
- Values.
Values are actually, I think is the biggest one.
- I think I would go like 30 or 40.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Why?
- I think values would probably be the biggest one.
Values would probably be 50
and then trust is probably as big as love for me.
So love is not enough.
- No. (laughs)
- It turns out that things like trust
and respect and aligned values matter far more
than the passion or romance that we're experiencing.
People don't like to hear this because it shits
all over the fairytales and rom-coms they grew up with.
So just to make sure I ruin your Sunday completely,
here are three harsh truths about love
and why they matter to you.
The first one is love does not equal compatibility.
Just because you fall in love with someone
doesn't necessarily mean that they're a good partner for you
over the long term.
It's possible to fall in love with somebody
who doesn't treat us well,
who makes us feel worse about ourselves,
who doesn't hold the same respect for us as we do for them,
who has a dysfunctional emotional life themselves
that can threaten to bring us down with them.
It's possible to fall in love with someone
who has different ambitions or life goals
that are contradictory to our own,
who holds different philosophical beliefs and worldviews
that clash with our reality.
- All we did was resent each other
and try to control each other.
- That's marriage.
- It's possible to fall in love with somebody
who sucks for us and makes us unhappy.
Maybe they're a great person and they seem right on paper,
but in reality, they just hurt us.
When I think of all of the disastrous relationships
that I've seen or I've been a part of,
most of them were entered into
purely on the basis of emotion.
We felt that spark, and so we just dove in head first.
Forget that he's a born-again Christian alcoholic
and she's an LSD-dropping bisexual.
It just feels right.
And then six months later,
when she's throwing all this shit onto the lawn
and he's praying to Jesus 12 times a day for her salvation,
they look around and they wonder, "Huh.
Where did it go wrong?"
The truth is it went wrong before it even began.
When dating and looking for a partner,
you must not only use your heart, but also your mind.
Yes, you want to find someone who makes your heart flutter
and your farts smell like cherry popsicles,
but you also need to evaluate a person's values.
How do they treat themselves?
How do they treat people close to them?
What are their ambitions?
What is their worldview in general?
Because if you fall in love with someone
who is incompatible with you,
as the ski instructor from "South Park" likes to say...
- You're gonna have a bad time.
- What do you think we have gotten right
that your previous relationships got wrong?
- I think it was very important to learn from the mistakes
of previous relationships and not repeat those.
- Yeah.
- For me, the biggest one was the ability
to open communicate what I want and how I feel.
And you were very open to listen, so that also helps.
- I think for me, the biggest mistakes
in my previous relationships was not being aligned
on, I guess, long-term goals or long-term visions.
This kind of ties into values.
Like, we loved each other, we had fun together,
but our visions for our lives were very divergent.
They went to different places.
Harsh truth number two:
Love does not solve relationship problems.
My first girlfriend and I,
we were madly in love with each other.
We also lived in different cities,
had no money to go see each other,
had families who disliked each of us,
and went through weekly bouts of meaningless drama
and fighting on the phone.
And every time we fought,
we'd come back to each other the next day and make up
and remind each other how crazy we were for one another
and that none of those little problems matter
because, OMG, we are so in love
and it will work out and everything will be great.
Just you wait and see.
(soft uptempo music)
(messenger beeps)
Our love made us feel
like we were regularly overcoming our issues,
when on every practical level,
absolutely nothing was getting solved.
The big lesson I took away from it was this:
While love might make you feel better about your problems,
it doesn't actually solve your relationship problems.
And see, this is how toxic relationships work.
The rollercoaster of emotions is, well, intoxicating.
- No, no, no, no, I don't want to do this.
- Put your arms up!
- Each high feeling even more important
and valid than the one before.
But unless there's a stable
and practical foundation beneath each of your feet,
that rising tide of emotion is eventually gonna come
and sweep everything away.
- Holy shit!
I don't want to do this!
I don't want, can't do this!
I can't do this!
(riders scream)
I want to break up!
I want to break up! (groans)
- Harsh truth number three:
Love is usually not worth sacrificing yourself for.
One of the defining characteristics of loving somebody
is that you are able to actually think outside of yourself
and your own needs to help care for another person
and their needs as well.
- What do you want?
- It's not that simple.
- What do you want? - It-
- But the question that doesn't get asked enough is,
what are you sacrificing?
And, is this worth it?
Because in loving relationships, it's normal for both people
to occasionally sacrifice their own desires
or needs or wants for one another.
I would argue that this is completely healthy and a big part
of actually what makes a relationship great.
But when it comes to sacrificing one's self-respect,
one's dignity, one's physical body, one's ambitions,
and identity just to be with someone,
then that same love becomes toxic and destructive.
A loving relationship is supposed to supplement
your individual identity, not damage it or replace it.
If we find ourselves in situations
where we are tolerating disrespectful or abusive behavior,
then that's essentially what we're doing.
And if we're not careful, it will leave us a shell
of the person we once were.
So last question.
What is the best relationship advice you have gotten?
- Oof, that's a tough one because I don't think
I ever got (laughs) good relationship advice. (laughs)
But for me, I think the biggest lesson I learned,
it was from watching other people's relationships,
and especially my parents' relationship,
which was really bad.
And from those, I learned what not to do
and what I didn't want for my relationship.
- One of the things that's great about getting married
is that old people start just giving you
unsolicited marriage advice.
And I remember a lot of my older family members,
the thing they all told me was friendship is most important.
And I remember my Aunt Linda telling me this.
She said, you know, "If you're gonna be together
for 50 years, you're gonna go through periods
where maybe you don't like each other
or you're driving each other crazy
or you're working on different things.
But as long as you're still friends,
you'll always be able to come back together."
I've found that to definitely be true in our case.
- Linda's so wise.
- She's so wise.
(wife laughs)
Why do we tolerate behavior in our romantic relationships
that we would never ever tolerate in our friendships?
Imagine if your best friend moved into your house,
trashed the entire place, refused to get a job or pay rent,
and got angry and yelled at you each time you complained?
That friendship would be over
faster than Logan Paul's music career.
♪ It's everyday bro ♪
♪ With the Disney Channel flow ♪
- Love doesn't solve your problems.
In fact, love often creates more problems.
And I see this all the time.
You take an unhappy couple who is in love
and they think, "Maybe if we just get married,
things will get better," and then they get married
and it gets worse, and then they think,
"Maybe if we have a kid, it'll get better,"
and then they have a kid and it gets worse,
and then they think, "Maybe if we go into tons of debt
and buy a really gigantic house,
maybe then things will get better."
Spoiler alert: It gets worse.
The only way to truly enjoy the love in your life
is to make something else more important
than the love in your life.
Love is not unique.
It's not special. It's not scarce.
But your self-respect is, and so is your dignity,
and so is your ability to trust people.
There can potentially be many,
many loves throughout your life,
but you only get to lose your self-respect
or your dignity once, and they are very hard to get back.
Love is a wonderful experience.
Don't get me wrong.
If love was a restaurant on Yelp,
I would give it five stars.
- [Kid] Wow!
- It's one of the greatest experiences life has to offer
and it is something that everybody should feel
at some point and enjoy.
But like any other experience,
it can also be healthy or unhealthy.
We cannot let it consume us.
We cannot sacrifice our identities or self-worth to it
because the moment we do that, we lose love
and we lose ourselves.
Because you need more in life than love.
Love is great.
Love is necessary.
Love is beautiful,
but love is not enough.
(rhythmic music)
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