My Detransition Story (Female to Male back to Female)

Summary

This personal narrative explores the speaker's journey from childhood to detransitioning. Initially pushed towards femininity, they developed a jealousy of boys and a preference for masculine clothing. Their exploration of identity led to identifying as a butch lesbian and later, influenced by online communities, as transgender. They experienced dissatisfaction with physical changes post-testosterone and underwent a profound transformation in perspective after a psychedelic experience, ultimately choosing to detransition. The speaker advises others to deeply consider the permanence of transition and the varied causes of dysphoria.

Takeaways

• 👧 The narrator felt jealousy of boys growing up due to her mother's push for her to be more feminine.
• 💇 The narrator disliked having long hair and the painful grooming process, eventually embracing a pixie cut.
• 👕 In fifth grade, the narrator started to prefer boys' clothing, using her brother's clothes when her mother wouldn't allow it.
• 🎭 The narrator's interest in anime and cosplay, particularly cosplaying as male characters, was a significant part of her early identity exploration.
• 🏳️‍🌈 The realization of liking women led to the narrator identifying first as bisexual, then as a butch lesbian, and after hormone use, back to bisexual.
• 🌐 The narrator found the trans community through her interests in anime and gaming, particularly on Tumblr, which introduced her to the concept of transitioning.
• 🚫 The trans community's narrative of being born in the wrong body was something the narrator came to resent, feeling it was harmful and not the only solution to her dysphoria.
• 💉 The narrator started testosterone at 18, experiencing some satisfaction but also ongoing dissatisfaction with her physical appearance.
• 🍄 A psychedelic experience with mushrooms led the narrator to reconsider her identity and the importance of her physical appearance, leading to detransitioning.
• 💊 The narrator's advice for those considering transition is to question their motivations and the permanence of their dysphoria, suggesting that not all dysphoria requires medical intervention.
• 🌈 The narrator emphasizes the importance of individuality in understanding and treating dysphoria, and the potential benefits of alternative treatments like psychedelics for some individuals.

Q & A

What was the narrator's childhood like, and how did their mother's influence affect them?

The narrator was a nerdy tomboy, contrasting with their sister who was more girly. Their mother's push to make them more feminine, including forcing them to have long hair and wear girly clothes, led to the development of jealousy towards boys and a strong dislike for traditionally feminine appearances.

Why did the narrator start wanting to dress in boys' clothing?

In fifth grade, the narrator began to desire dressing in boys' clothing, possibly as a form of self-expression and a reaction to their mother's earlier attempts to make them conform to feminine norms.

How did the narrator's interest in anime and cosplay influence their gender expression?

The narrator's interest in anime and cosplay, particularly the desire to cosplay as male characters, further reinforced their inclination towards masculine clothing and expression.

What was the turning point for the narrator in realizing their attraction to women?

In sixth grade, the narrator realized they were attracted to women, initially identifying as bisexual, and later as a butch lesbian and then detransitioning to identify as bisexual again after using testosterone.

How did the narrator find and engage with the trans community?

The narrator found the trans community through their involvement in anime and gaming on Tumblr, where they joined fandoms and related to stories of other lesbians transitioning and posts about transgender experiences.

What was the narrator's initial reaction to starting testosterone at 18?

Initially, the narrator liked the changes brought on by testosterone, but they were still not satisfied with their appearance, as they felt they were only passing as a little boy and not as a biological male.

Why did the narrator consider stopping their transition in 2018?

The narrator considered stopping their transition due to family unsupportiveness and fears that transitioning would negatively impact their future, particularly in terms of job security and physical health.

What was the narrator's perspective on the phrase 'born in the wrong body'?

The narrator found the phrase 'born in the wrong body' harmful, especially for minors, as it can imply that their body is wrong and that they might commit suicide if they don't transition.

How did the narrator's experience with psychedelics influence their views on their body and identity?

After trying psychedelics, the narrator felt a deep connection to everyone and realized that their body was perfect as it was, leading to feelings of guilt about the money they were planning to spend on cosmetic surgery and a decision to stop using testosterone.

What advice does the narrator give to people considering transition?

The narrator advises people to question whether they would be happy being non-passing or openly trans, and to consider the mental health toll of constantly trying to pass and fear of being outed. They also encourage not rushing the decision and recognizing that the cause and treatment of dysphoria can vary greatly from person to person.

What is the narrator's stance on the use of psychedelics for treating dysphoria?

While acknowledging that psychedelics are not for everyone and can affect people differently, the narrator believes they have a place in medical treatment, as they worked for them in helping to alleviate feelings of dysphoria.

Outlines

00:00

👧 Childhood Struggles and Early Identity Exploration

The narrator, a self-described nerdy tomboy, discusses her early childhood and the pressures from her mother to conform to traditional femininity. This included the discomfort of having long hair styled in French braids and the painful experience of having it cut into a pixie cut. As she entered fifth grade, she began to prefer boys' clothing and developed an interest in anime and cosplay, particularly as male characters. Her journey of self-discovery continued into sixth grade when she realized her attraction to women, initially identifying as bisexual before eventually identifying as a butch lesbian and then desisting from the trans narrative.

05:02

🌈 Finding the Trans Community and Detransitioning

The narrator's exploration of her identity led her to Tumblr and the trans community, where she found others who shared her experiences and feelings of being in the wrong body. Despite identifying as trans at 14 and pursuing a path towards stealth, she faced family opposition and personal fears about the long-term consequences of transitioning. After a period of detransitioning, she struggled with societal expectations and her mother's disapproval, which led her to try to conform to feminine norms. However, she expresses regret for not addressing the root causes of her dysphoria and for buying into the narrative that dysphoria is only treatable through medical intervention.

💉 The Impact of Hormones and Surgical Considerations

At 18, the narrator began testosterone treatment through informed consent, experiencing initial satisfaction with the changes but still feeling a strong desire to pass as a biological male. Despite achieving the ability to pass stealth, she was not satisfied with her physical appearance and considered further surgeries like jaw implants. The narrator also discusses the challenges of pursuing top surgery, including the gatekeeping practices of some clinics and her decision to find a surgeon who would accept her initial therapist's letter. She reflects on the financial and emotional costs of these procedures and the importance of considering the permanence of such decisions.

🍄 Psychedelic Experiences and Reevaluating Identity

The narrator recounts a transformative experience with psychedelics that led to a profound reevaluation of her identity and the concept of being 'trans.' During the trip, she felt a deep connection to all beings and a realization that her body was perfect as it was, leading her to question the necessity of cosmetic surgeries and the societal pressures to conform to gender norms. This experience prompted her to stop using testosterone and to embrace her identity without the constraints of gender expectations. She concludes with advice for those considering transition, emphasizing the importance of questioning one's motivations and considering the individual causes and treatments for dysphoria.

Keywords

💡Tomboy

A tomboy traditionally refers to a girl who exhibits characteristics or behaviors considered typical of a boy, especially in being more interested in outdoor play and less interested in traditionally feminine activities. In the video, the narrator identifies as a 'nerdy tomboy' during childhood, contrasting with her sister's 'girly' nature, which sets the stage for the exploration of gender identity throughout the video.

💡Gender Dysphoria

Gender dysphoria is a condition where a person experiences discomfort or distress because there's a mismatch between their biological sex and gender identity. The narrator mentions experiencing gender dysphoria, which is a central theme of the video as it drives the journey of self-discovery and the decision to transition.

💡Transgender

Transgender is an umbrella term for people whose gender identity differs from the sex they were assigned at birth. The video's narrator identifies as transgender, initially as a butch lesbian and later as a male, and discusses the process of transitioning, which is a significant part of the narrative.

💡Butch Lesbian

A butch lesbian is a lesbian who presents herself in a traditionally masculine manner. The narrator identifies as a butch lesbian before transitioning, indicating a stage in her exploration of gender identity and expression.

💡Cosplay

Cosplay is the practice of dressing up as a character from a movie, book, or video game, especially one from the Japanese genres of manga and anime. The narrator's interest in cosplaying as male characters from anime is an early indicator of her exploration of gender identity.

💡Testosterone

Testosterone is a hormone that plays a key role in the development of male reproductive tissues and secondary sexual characteristics. The narrator begins taking testosterone at 18, which is a significant step in her physical transition to male.

💡Stealth

In the context of transgender individuals, 'stealth' refers to living as a member of one's identified gender without disclosing one's transgender status. The narrator aspires to be 'stealth' as a biological male, indicating a desire to be seen and accepted as male without the need to disclose her transgender history.

💡Top Surgery

Top surgery, also known as male chest reconstruction, is a surgical procedure that alters the physical appearance of a person's chest to be more masculine. The narrator's pursuit of top surgery is part of her physical transition and a way to alleviate gender dysphoria.

💡Detransition

Detransition refers to the process of a transgender person reverting to living as the sex they were assigned at birth. The narrator detransitions, ceasing hormone therapy and other medical interventions, which is a critical part of her story and a testament to the complexity of gender identity journeys.

💡Psychedelics

Psychedelics are a class of hallucinogenic drugs the effects of which can include altered perceptions, changes in mood, and profound experiences. The narrator's experience with psychedelics leads to a significant shift in her perspective on her gender identity and the decision to detransition.

💡Gatekeeping

In the context of gender transition, 'gatekeeping' refers to the practice of controlling access to transition-related care, often through a series of requirements or barriers. The narrator feels that the requirement to see a therapist before surgery is a form of gatekeeping, reflecting a common critique within the transgender community.

Highlights

Narrative of growing up as a tomboy and the initial development of jealousy towards boys due to maternal influence.

Aversion to long hair and the painful experiences associated with feminine grooming.

A preference for a pixie cut and the struggle with maternal disapproval.

Desire to dress in boys' clothing and the initial use of her brother's clothes as a workaround.

Introduction to anime, cosplay, and the aspiration to portray male characters.

The complex journey of sexual identity from bisexuality to Butch lesbianism, and back to bisexuality post-testosterone.

Discovery of the trans community through anime and gaming interests on Tumblr.

The impact of online narratives and the internalization of being 'born in the wrong body'.

Desisting from transition efforts due to family unsupportiveness and life concerns.

The struggle with societal expectations and the attempt to conform by adopting feminine traits.

The decision to start testosterone at 18 and the subsequent diagnosis of dysphoria.

Disillusionment with the physical changes post-testosterone and the ongoing dysphoria.

The pursuit of top surgery and the challenges faced in finding a surgeon and navigating insurance.

A profound experience with psychedelics leading to a reevaluation of the trans identity and body acceptance.

The cessation of testosterone and the liberation from the constraints of gender identity.

Advice for those considering transition, emphasizing the importance of self-acceptance and questioning the need for medical intervention.

The acknowledgment of varying causes of dysphoria and the belief in personalized treatment approaches.

A personal testimony on the potential benefits of psychedelics for some individuals with gender dysphoria.

A closing note on the speaker's transition journey, reflecting on the challenges and growth experienced.

Transcripts

a chapter one Early Childhood growing up

I was a nerdy tomboy while my sister was

quite girly and then having my mom push

me to be more girly like her is where I

initially developed my jealousy of boys

uh one thing I especially hated was

being forced to have a long hair because

my mom would try to put into French

braids and she would brush it really

painfully and she also put in like this

noxious sticky

hairspray um one day she actually tried

to come my hair and she screwed up so

badly that it had to be fixed by a

professional by cutting into a pixie cut

which I loved but she did not so I

wasn't able to get my hair cut into a

pixie cut until years later um but yeah

onto like fifth grade is when I first

really started wanting to dress in boys

clothing but my mom wasn't really about

letting me shop in the boy section so I

would take clothes for my brother um

this is also the year I really got into

anime and cosplay and especially um

having a desire to cosplay as the boy

characters but my mom still wouldn't let

me until one year where she relented and

let me wear a c Ash Ketchum costume from

Pokémon though she would have rather me

dressed as

Pikachu um and then the next year which

is sixth grade is when I realized I

liked women which I initially came out

as bisexual then later I started

identifying as a Butch lesbian and then

after testosterone use I actually

identifi as bisexual out chapter 2

finding the trans Community since I've

always been into anime and gaming it's

not surprising I found Tumblr and joined

fandoms which is how I got introduced to

the whole trans thing in 2016 I'd see

other lesbians transitioning trans head

cannons and fandoms I was in as well as

posts on Tumblr and videos from trans

YouTubers about how they knew they were

trans which I related to my masculine

clothes attraction to women Hobbies no

desire to ever have kids hating my body

and hating the idea of men finding me

attractive were all used as signs that I

was trans not to mention the inverse I'd

see from male to female people wanting

to be women because they wanted to be

sexy or gain the smale attention uh

liking having a long hair uh liking

makeup wearing women's clothing and all

matter of reductive stereotypes that I

did and fit into cement of these

feelings that I should have been born

male the trans Community was telling me

I was born in the wrong body which is a

phrase I've really come to hate I think

it's harmful to tell somebody that hates

their body that their body is wrong and

that they'll commit suicide if they

don't transition especially if this

person is a minor not to mention they

never scanned to see if my brain was

like an opposite sex Brain before

starting HRT because it's just a theory

I started identifying as trans at 14 but

I was striving to become stealth in the

future because I didn't want to be trans

I wish to be biological male and believe

that transitioning would be the next

closest thing to treat my dysphoria I

ended up desisting for a bit in 2018 uh

due to my family being unsupportive and

fear that transitioning would end up

ruining my life down the line

particularly when it came to drob

security and my physical health I

honestly wish I had just stopped there

and continued to express myself the way

I liked regardless of my gender but

instead I tried to be more feminine to

make my mom happy because of how

rejected I felt by her as a masculine

woman so I began dressing in women's

clothing growing up my hair and trying

makeup which I hated doing and that just

made me end up wishing I were born male

even more I wish I would have gotten the

help I needed at this point and address

the root cause of my dysphoria which

would have allowed me to accept myself

as a masculine woman but I bought Into

The Narrative of dysphoria being

permanent and only treatable through

gender affirming surgeries and hormones

so I persisted in chasing this goal

chapter 3 hormones I started

testosterone when I was 18 through

informed consent I had a telea health

appointment with a doctor at a gender

Clinic um and I was diagnosed with

dysphoria after this very same

appointment after being asked

stereotypical questions about my

childhood which I got my testosterone a

few weeks later after getting my blood

work done and then later had an inperson

appointment to learn how to inject

myself I initially like these changes

but I still wasn't satisfied with how I

looked I was passing as a little boy at

best which didn't help with my dysphoria

but I still held on to this hope that I

could somehow catch up to biological men

my age without taking to account that my

very skeleton shape would ever stop me

from ever achieving this goal which

later actually made me want to have like

jaaw implants or something hormone

replacement therapy isn't a a second

puberty after all it's how your

endocrine system reacts to a hormone

imbalance despite this I eventually

reached my goal of passing stealth all

the time I'll be it as much younger so I

was still disappointed with the results

and still had dysphoria over my sex I

felt like I couldn't make friends or get

close to anybody without getting outed I

was also celibate since I didn't want to

be with anybody that' be attracted to me

because of how young I looked as well as

Desiring to be fully transition first

despite my dissatisfaction with my

results I continued transitioning and

started to pursue Top surgery I was able

to get a letter from a therapist I

talked to once over Zoom the plastic the

first Plastic Surgery Clinic I contacted

wouldn't accept this letter unless I

would sing a therapist consistently

before and after which is good that they

enforce that because um lawsuits are

going to be hella but uh yeah instead of

going and seeing a therapist I believed

in like this whole oh they're

gatekeeping if they don't let me get the

surgery because women can get their

boobs done so I went ahead and looked

for another surgon that actually took

this letter and my insurance also

accepted it but I didn't meet my

deductible which has turned out to be

some divine intervention in hind chapter

4 mushrooms Indy transitioning almost 2

years into my transition I had the

opportunity to try shroom chocolate for

the first time and I decided to try it

because I was curious about psychedelics

and when I was tripping I began having

these thoughts and Visions about being

connected to everyone and everybody

being like cells in a body or atoms I

felt like this trans identity didn't

matter and that it was purely cosmetic

and self-serving I also had an epiphany

that my body is healthy and perfect as

it is because it allows me to experience

life and love which is what I truly

believe or here for this made me feel

incredibly guilty about the amount of

money I was planning on spending on

cosmetic surgery to remove my breast

which would have been better spent on

experiences with loved ones rather than

my own physical appearance after I came

down from this I felt like I could

finally take my binder off and not worry

about others perception of me or my

gender or stereotypes or anything like

that and soon after I stopped

testosterone too after five my thoughts

on transition my advice for people

considering transition is to question if

you'd be happy being non-pass pass ing

or openly trans or if you think you'd

only be happy passing and being stealth

and fear people finding out your trans

having to completely pass all the time

and living in fear of being outed really

takes a toll on your mental health and

quality of life I also encourage not

rushing this decision as I'm not the

same person I was at 18 when I started

testosterone and thought this would be

my entire life I'm now 21 and I'm

detransitioned so it's definitely not a

choice you want to write question

too I also believe that the cause of

dysphoria varies from person to person

so the treatment should also vary not

every dysphoric person needs medical

intervention I also need to state that

psychedelics aren't for everyone since

they affect people differently I do

however think they have their place

medically as they work for me and on

that note I'll go ahead and end this

video uh thank you for making it through

to the end considering this is my first

time ever doing a voice over and it's

just not my strong suit I'm more of just

a animate uh other people's audio kind

of person since you know but I also want

to mention that I use gender terms and

when I'm talking about clothes but I

don't believe that clothes are gendered

I just thought it would be more

simplistic to explain it that way but uh

yeah thanks for watching and have a

beautiful day