Meanwhile… How To Pronounce “Kelce” | Highway Horse | MTA’s $700k Fare Hack
Summary
TLDRStephen Colbert performs a comedic monologue, joking that he usually meticulously crafts his material but sometimes has to improvise. He announces musician André 3000 and journalist Jelani Cobb will appear. Colbert shares amusing news stories including a cat returning home after 7 years, the proper pronunciation of NFL player Travis Kelce's name, Taco Bell releasing cereal, Uber Eats ending alcohol delivery, and a loose horse disrupting traffic in Tennessee. He mocks the MTA's ineffective $700,000 turnstile gates. Colbert promises more comedy later with guest André 3000.
Takeaways
- 😆 Stephen mentions having Andre 3000 and Jelani Cobb as guests
- 😀 Stephen jokes about making a 'news waffle' instead of his typical monologue
- 😉 There's a story about a cat that went missing for 7 years before being found
- 🤨 Everyone has been mispronouncing Travis Kelce's last name
- 😋 Taco Bell is offering cereal for a limited time
- 🍸 Uber Eats is shutting down its alcohol delivery service Drizly
- 😲 A loose horse caused chaos when spotted on a Tennessee highway
- 😤 The MTA's $700,000 subway gates can be defeated by a simple hack
- 😂 Stephen jokes the MTA should just use a pile of cash to jump over
- 🎉 Stephen mentions having musician Andre 3000 and journalist Jelani Cobb as guests
Q & A
What is the name of Andre 3000's new album?
-Andre 3000's new album is called 'New Blue Sun'.
What instruments does Andre 3000 play on his new album?
-On his new album, Andre 3000 plays woodwind instruments like flute.
Who is the other guest that Stephen mentions will be on the show?
-The other guest is Jelani Cobb, an award-winning writer for The New Yorker and dean of the Columbia School of Journalism.
What is the carnival freak's trash waffle that Stephen sometimes makes instead of his usual monologue?
-The carnival freak's trash waffle is made by mixing wood shavings, expired yogurt, and other trash ingredients that are fried on a tow truck radiator.
What is the proper pronunciation of Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce's last name?
-According to Travis Kelce's father, the proper pronunciation of their last name is "Kelz" rather than "Kel-see".
Why is Uber Eats shutting down its Drizly alcohol delivery service?
-Uber Eats is shutting down Drizly, its alcohol delivery service, at the end of March.
What problem does the New York City MTA have that their new $700,000 subway gates are failing to solve?
-The MTA has a problem with people hopping turnstiles to ride the subway without paying. Their new gates are being easily defeated by a simple hack.
What happened that caused chaos on a Tennessee highway?
-A loose horse got onto the highway and had to be rounded up by authorities, causing chaos.
What does Stephen say the horse failed to do when merging onto the highway?
-Stephen jokes that the horse failed to check its blind spot before merging onto the highway.
What does Stephen suggest would be more effective than the MTA's $700,000 gates?
-Stephen jokes it would be more effective for the MTA to just force everyone to jump over a pile of $700,000.
Outlines
😆 Stephen Colbert Opens the Show with His Usual Wit
Stephen opens the show greeting the audience and guests. He jokes about spending time in the 'news bakery' creating his monologue routine but sometimes resorting to making the 'carnival freak's trash waffle of news' in his 'Meanwhile' segment.
🐱 Meanwhile: Heartwarming Story of a Cat Returning Home After 7 Years
In the 'Meanwhile' segment, Stephen shares lighthearted news items. First, a story of a cat in England that went missing for 7 years before being found just 900 feet from its home, working at a nearby factory. He also jokes about mispronouncing Kansas City Chiefs player Travis Kelce's last name, Taco Bell offering limited edition cereal, Uber Eats shutting down its alcohol delivery service Drizzy, and the challenge of rounding up a loose horse disrupting traffic in Tennessee.
😒 MTA's New Subway Turnstiles Easily Defeated for Fare Beating
Stephen criticizes the New York City public transit agency MTA for spending $700,000 on new subway gates to prevent fare beating, only for them to be easily defeated by a simple hack. He jokes it would be more effective to just make everyone jump over a pile of $700,000 cash.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡monologue
💡guests
💡music
💡journalism
💡pop culture
💡news
💡politics
💡New York City
💡audience
💡comedy
Highlights
Stephen Colbert does an opening monologue joking about preparing his news stories like baking pastries.
Colbert mentions Andre 3000 and Jelani Cobb as guests on the show that night.
Colbert jokes about a news story of a cat that went missing for 7 years before being found close to its home.
Colbert talks about the pronunciation of NFL player Travis Kelce's last name.
Colbert jokes about Taco Bell releasing a cereal.
Colbert discusses Uber Eats shutting down its alcohol delivery service Drizly.
Colbert shows a video of a loose horse on a Tennessee highway.
Colbert jokes the horse didn't check its blind spot before merging.
Colbert discusses fare evasion and the MTA's unsuccessful attempt to install new subway gates.
Colbert suggests it would be more effective for the MTA to make people jump over piles of cash.
Overall, Colbert uses humor and engaging stories to satirize current events.
He covers a wide range of topics including music, sports, business, and local news.
Colbert seamlessly transitions between prepared scripted jokes and improvised quips.
His mix of silliness and wit provides both entertainment and social commentary.
Colbert's charisma and comedic timing enhance the delivery of the monologue.
Transcripts
>> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU. THEM, NOT ME.
YOU WANT TO TALK TO THEM, NOT ME.
HELLO, LOUIS. >> Louis: HELLO, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: HELLO, EVERYBODY. BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.
YOUNG BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. WE HAVE GOT --
WE'VE GOT AN EXTRAORDINARY GROUP OF GUESTS TONIGHT.
WE HAVE OUT HERE IN JUST A MOMENT SITTING RIGHT OVER THERE,
AND PERFORMING THIS EVENING, WE HAVE THE ONE, THE ONLY
MR. ANDRE 3000 WILL BE HERE TONIGHT.
HE'S GOT A NEW ALBUM. HE'S GOT THIS NEW ALBUM, THE NEW
ALBUM IS CALLED "NEW BLUE SUN." HE WARNS THE FANS ON THE FRONT,
HE'S GOT A LABEL THAT SAYS "WARNING: NO BARS."
NOT A RAP ALBUM. IT IS OLD FLUTE.
IT IS ALL WOODWIND INSTRUMENTS. SAYING SORRY, THIS IS THE WAY
THE WIND BLEW ME THIS TIME. AND THEN WE HAVE IN PEABODY
AWARD-WINNING STAFF WRITER FOR THE NEW YORKER AND DEAN OF THE
COLUMBUS SCHOOL OF JOURNALISM, JELANI COBB WILL BE OUT HERE
JUST A MOMENT. ANDRE 3000, THE DEAN OF
COLUMBIA. WE RUN THE GAMUT HERE, BABY.
FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME IN THE NEWS BAKERY, FOLDING
THE MOST TOPICAL T-45 FRANCINE STORY FLOUR WITH THE NEWSIEST,
MOST DECADENT BEURRE BORDIER TO CREATE THE LAMINATED STORY
DOUGH WHICH I BAKE IN A RING MOLD AT PRECISELY 180 DEGREES
CELSIUS TO PRESENT TO YOU THE DELICATE YET FLAVORFUL
KOUIGN-AMANN THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS,
AFTER DOUBLE-CROSSING A RUSSIAN CIRCUS BEAR, I COWER
IN THE MONKEY TENT WHERE I MIX WOOD SHAVINGS AND SAWDUST
WITH AN EXPIRED GOGURT, THEN TOSS IT ON THE TOW TRUCK
RADIATOR TO FRY UP THE CARNIVAL FREAK'S TRASH WAFFLE OF NEWS
THAT IS MY SEGMENT... >> "MEANWHILE"!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: AN ANTIBIOTIC.
MEANWHILE, A HEARTWARMING STORY FROM ENGLAND, WHERE A "CAT WENT
MISSING FOR 7 YEARS, THEN TURNED OUT TO BE LIVING
AT A FACTORY JUST 900 FEET AWAY FROM HOME."
EVEN MORE IMPRESSIVE? HE WAS FOUND AT THAT FACTORY
WORKING THE BENCH GRINDER. MEANWHILE, WE ALL LOVE
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS TIGHT END AND GLAZED PORK SHOULDER
JUST ABOUT READY TO COME OUT OF THE SLOW COOKER, TRAVIS KELCE.
BUT APPARENTLY, WE'VE ALL BEEN PRONOUNCING HIS NAME WRONG
THIS WHOLE TIME. WE'VE ALL BEEN SAYING "KEL-SEE"
WHEN IT'S ACTUALLY PRONOUNCED "CHALAMET."
I AM JOSHING OF COURSE. ACCORDING TO A DISCUSSION
ON "INSIDE THE NFL," THE CORRECT PRONUNCIATION IS
IS "TRAVIS KELZ." AND IN A PODCAST, TRAVIS' DAD
BACKED IT UP BY SAYING THE PROPER WAY TO SAY THEIR LAST
NAME IS "KELZ." COME ON, CHANGING THE
PRONUNCIATION OF YOUR LAST NAME IS THE MOST PRETENTIOUS THING
I'VE EVER HEARD OR MY NAME ISN'T STEPHEN COLE-BERT.
WHICH IT'S NOT. AND IT NEVER HAS BEEN.
MEANWHILE, TACO BELL IS OFFERING CEREAL FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY.
MAKES SENSE. YOU EAT ENOUGH TACO BELL,
YOUR TIME IS LIMITED. MEANWHILE, AT THE END OF MARCH
UBER EATS WILL SHUT DOWN ITS ALCOHOL DELIVERY SERVICE,
DRIZLY. NOW IF YOU WANT TO GET HAMMERED
IN YOUR UNDERWEAR, YOU'LL HAVE TO GO TO THE PORT AUTHORITY
LIKE THE REST OF US. MEANWHILE, THERE WAS CHAOS DOWN
SOUTH WHEN A LOOSE HORSE HAD TO BE ROUNDED UP ON A TENNESSEE
HIGHWAY. TAKE A LOOK.
>> THIS IS OUT OF THIS WORLD. >> Stephen: THAT'S SO DANGEROUS.
THAT HORSE DIDN'T EVEN CHECK ITS BLIND SPOT BEFORE MERGING.
MEANWHILE, BAD NEWS FOR THE NEW YORK CITY'S PUBLIC TRANSIT
AUTHORITY, WHICH HAS A BIG PROBLEM WITH
PEOPLE HOPPING TURNSTILES. UNFORTUNATELY, "THE MTA'S NEW
$700,000 SUBWAY GATES DESIGNED TO KEEP OUT FARE-BEATERS CAN BE
DEFEATED BY A SIMPLE HACK." HERE'S A LOOK.
DEFEATED BY A SIMPLE HACK." HERE'S A LOOK.
[APPLAUSE] GREAT JOB.
GREAT JOB, MTA. IT WOULD BE MORE EFFECTIVE TO
JUST FORCE EVERYONE TO JUMP OVER A PILE OF $700,000.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ANDRE 3000.
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