(ko, en, ja, Viet) 한국인이 꼭 알아야 할 칭찬의 방법 | 김경일 아주대학교 심리학과 교수 | 칭찬 소통 심리학 | 세바시 1170회

Summary

In this insightful talk, Gyeong-il Kim from Ajou University's psychology department explores the art of giving effective compliments. He emphasizes the importance of complimenting effort over talent to foster a growth mindset and discusses the power of personality-based compliments. Kim also highlights the unique cultural perspective of Koreans on relationships and how acknowledging these relationships in compliments can deeply impact individuals, encouraging a more respectful and meaningful form of praise.

Takeaways

• 😀 Compliment one's effort rather than their talent to encourage hard work and reduce fear of failure.
• 😊 Include the person's name in compliments to make them feel recognized and valued.
• 👍 Compliment unintended or unconscious good actions to reinforce positive behavior and self-perception.
• 🙌 Relationships are central in Korean culture, and compliments should respect and acknowledge these relationships.
• 🤝 Koreans often use 'our' to describe personal relationships, indicating the importance of relationships in self-identity.
• 🏆 Compliments that ignore relationships can cause distress and anxiety, especially in workplace and family settings.
• 🌟 Respect and understand the values and strengths of different generations when giving compliments.
• 💬 Compliments should reflect an understanding of the recipient's peer culture and generational context.
• ❤️ Beneficial compliments in Korea include acknowledging the importance of relationships and the strengths of different generations.
• 😊 Effective compliments lead to stronger bonds and mutual respect between individuals, regardless of age or social status.

Q & A

What is the main idea of the lecture given by Gyeong-il Kim?

The lecture discusses the importance and methods of giving effective compliments, emphasizing efforts, personality, unintended good actions, and respecting relationships.

Why is it better to compliment someone's effort rather than their talent?

Complimenting effort encourages the person to value hard work and perseverance, while complimenting talent can make them fear failure and avoid trying new challenges.

What is the impact of omitting a person's name when giving a compliment?

Omitting a person's name can make the compliment feel insincere and humiliating, as it disregards the individual's contribution and effort.

How can complimenting unintended good actions be beneficial?

Complimenting unintended good actions helps the person recognize and reinforce their positive traits, encouraging them to strive to be better.

What cultural characteristic makes Koreans unique in their approach to compliments?

Koreans have a relationship-oriented culture where the self is defined by relationships with others. This influences how they give and receive compliments, often incorporating respect for these relationships.

How does the Korean use of 'our' in personal contexts reflect their cultural values?

The use of 'our' instead of 'my' reflects the importance of relationships and collective identity in Korean culture.

What negative effect can arise from ignoring relationships when giving compliments in a workplace?

Ignoring relationships when giving compliments can make the recipient anxious and distrustful, as it disregards the social bonds that are important to them.

Why do Korean self-introductory letters focus on relationships rather than individual achievements?

Korean self-introductory letters focus on relationships because Koreans view their identity in the context of their relationships with others, rather than as isolated individuals.

What common misunderstanding occurs between different generations when giving compliments?

Different generations may not understand the values and relationships that are important to each other, leading to misunderstandings and feelings of disrespect when giving compliments.

How can acknowledging generational values improve the effectiveness of compliments?

Acknowledging generational values shows respect and understanding, making the compliment more meaningful and fostering stronger bonds between people of different ages.

Outlines

00:00

🌟 The Art of Complimenting Effort Over Talent

The speaker, Gyeong-il Kim from Ajou University's psychology department, emphasizes the importance of complimenting someone's effort rather than their innate talent. This approach helps to avoid the fear of failure associated with relying on talent alone. The speaker points out that people often rationalize their failures by claiming they didn't try, which is a subconscious desire to be recognized for their abilities. Compliments on personality traits are also highlighted as beneficial, as they acknowledge the individual as a whole rather than just their actions or achievements.

05:02

🌏 Cultural Insights on Complimenting Relationships

This paragraph delves into the cultural aspect of compliments, particularly in the context of Korean society. The speaker discusses a unique characteristic of Korean culture that values relationships over individualism or collectivism. Using an example of categorization, the speaker illustrates how Koreans tend to group items based on relationships rather than categories. This cultural trait extends to the way Koreans introduce themselves and their desire to be respected within their social relationships. The speaker suggests that compliments should reflect and respect these relational values.

10:08

🔄 The Negative Impact of Disregarding Relationships in Compliments

The speaker warns against the distress that can be caused by compliments that ignore an individual's social relationships. Examples are given where compliments are given in a way that isolates the individual from their generation or social group, leading to feelings of anxiety and humiliation. The speaker argues that understanding and acknowledging the relationships that an individual values is crucial for a compliment to be truly beneficial. This includes respecting the generational and cultural contexts of the person being complimented.

15:12

🤝 The Power of Compliments that Recognize and Respect Relationships

In the final paragraph, the speaker concludes by advocating for compliments that recognize and respect an individual's relationships. By doing so, one can create a 'clever' compliment that fosters a sense of understanding and connection. The speaker hopes that people will consider the relational aspect of compliments, especially in the Korean context, to build stronger and more meaningful relationships through positive reinforcement.

Keywords

💡Compliment

A compliment is an expression of praise or admiration. In the video's theme, it is discussed as a tool that can either positively or negatively impact individuals, depending on how it is given. The script emphasizes the importance of complimenting effort over talent to avoid creating a fear of failure. For example, the speaker mentions that complimenting someone for their brains can lead to worry about failing once they have truly tried.

💡Effort

Effort refers to the energy and work put into accomplishing a task. The video stresses the significance of recognizing and complimenting effort rather than innate talent. This is to encourage a growth mindset and the belief that success comes from hard work. The script uses the phrase 'Hey, I didn't even study' to illustrate how people often downplay their efforts when they have not succeeded.

💡Talent

Talent is a natural aptitude or skill in a particular area. The speaker argues against complimenting talent, as it can lead to a fixed mindset and fear of failure. The script points out that people often rationalize their failures by claiming they did not try, which is a way of protecting their self-image as talented but not hardworking.

💡Personality

Personality refers to the unique set of characteristics that form an individual's identity. The video suggests that complimenting someone's personality can be beneficial, as it acknowledges their character traits. The script warns against compliments that omit the person's identity, which can lead to feelings of humiliation rather than appreciation.

💡Unintended Actions

Unintended actions are those that are not planned or calculated but have a positive outcome. The speaker highlights the importance of complimenting such actions, as it can lead to self-reflection and a desire to improve. An example from the script is a 'bully-like student' instinctively catching an elderly person who is about to fall, which is then complimented, potentially influencing the student to see the goodness within themselves.

💡Relationship-Oriented Culture

A relationship-oriented culture is one where the connections and relationships between individuals are highly valued. The video discusses how Korean culture is deeply rooted in relationships and how this affects the way compliments are given and received. The script uses the categorization of a monkey with a banana to illustrate the strong relational thinking in Korean culture, as opposed to a purely logical or biological categorization.

💡Collectivism

Collectivism is a cultural trait where the group's goals and identity are considered more important than individual goals. The video contrasts collectivism with the relationship-oriented culture of Korea, where personal relationships are more highly valued than group identity. The script explains that in collectivist cultures, individuals may lose their sense of self when their group disappears, leading to negative outcomes like suicide.

💡Self-Introduction

Self-introduction is the act of presenting oneself to others, typically including personal information and background. The video points out that in Korean culture, self-introductions often focus on relationships rather than individual achievements. The script gives an example of how a Korean might introduce themselves by discussing their family and relationships, rather than just stating their name or profession.

💡Generation Gap

Generation gap refers to the differences in values, beliefs, and interests between different age groups. The video script uses the example of music preferences to illustrate how children may keep their interests separate from their parents to maintain their own peer culture, indicating a generation gap.

💡Respect for Relationships

Respect for relationships is the acknowledgment and appreciation of the connections and bonds that individuals have with others. The video emphasizes that in giving compliments, it is important to consider and respect the relationships that are important to the person being complimented. The script suggests that disregarding these relationships in compliments can lead to distress and misunderstanding.

💡Clever Compliments

Clever compliments are those that are well-thought-out and considerate of the recipient's values and relationships. The video concludes with the idea that the best compliments are those that respect and acknowledge the individual's relationships and generational context. The script provides examples of how to give such compliments, such as acknowledging the competence of the younger generation or the wisdom of the elder generation.

Highlights

Complimenting based on effort rather than talent can prevent fear of failure and promote a growth mindset.

People tend to rationalize their failures by claiming they did not try, reflecting a desire for talent-based compliments.

The importance of recognizing the value of hard work to break the cycle of complacency.

The less-known but beneficial type of compliment is one directed towards personality rather than actions.

Exclusion of the subject's name in a compliment can lead to feelings of humiliation and disappointment.

The significance of including the individual in a compliment to ensure it is perceived positively.

Complimenting unintended or unconscious good deeds can encourage positive personal growth.

Korean culture's unique approach to categorization reflects a relationship-oriented mindset.

The contrast between Korean relationship-oriented culture and Japanese collectivism.

The importance of respecting and acknowledging relationships in compliments within Korean culture.

How disregarding relationships in compliments can lead to distress and misunderstanding.

The impact of compliments that respect an individual's generational relationships and values.

The potential for compliments to foster stronger bonds and mutual understanding across generations.

The cultural specificity of compliments and the need for sensitivity to individual and group relationships.

The role of compliments in reinforcing social ties and the importance of considering cultural context.

The conclusion emphasizing the thoughtfulness required in giving compliments that respect and value relationships.

Transcripts

Hello~ Yes, hello.

My name is Gyeong-il Kim, currently in Ajou university's psychology department.

Many of those who lectured at Sebashi

have probably given a speech about what a good compliment is.

Here, let's have a look at the most important point.

First, compliment one's effort rather than one's talent.

A lot of lecturers said this.

So all the people that are complimented for their brains

are worried they will fail once they have really tried.

Right?

You must have some of these friends around you,

who say "I didn't even try" when they have failed.

From this we can only see that they are comforting themselves

by rationalizing their bad outcome through "lack of effort".

You should keep in mind that normal people like us also tend to say this.

See, when you pulled an all-nighter before a test

what did you say to your friends the next day?

"Hey, I didn't even study."

This right here means we all wish to be complimented on our talents

rather than having the cause go to your efforts.

But the important thing is we have to make an effort,

how can we succeed without trying?

So when you get complimented based on talents such as "you're clever" or "outstanding",

you won't think highly of the effect and value of hard work which leads to a vicious cycle.

Now, about the less-known compliment.

I would talk about a less-known compliment.

Second, what type of compliment is a beneficial one?

It is a compliment towards one's personality.

Omitting a 'person' doesn't make it a compliment.

Let's imagine a person that you hated in your life

or despised every time you had to go to school or work.

Let's pretend that person did something well.

Then we have to non-willingly praise their well-doings

but secretly leave out his/her name.

When a junior staff that the supervisor hates has done something well,

he leaves out his name while complimenting.

"Hey, the work turned out well~"

The person in charge has been left out.

But when someone hears this type of comment they are not only disappointed

but feel humiliated to the max.

Huh? The work didn't work out well; I worked well...

So once you get used to this type of speech, it is hardly beneficial for your children as well.

This type of compliment leads to:

"Huh? The grades are quite good?"

What's this?

Quite humiliating, right?

Grades cannot become a subject within a compliment.

"John or Jane you have worked hard for your good grades" is a compliment.

So secondly, the person in subject always has to be included.

Thirdly, this is also a less-known fact.

You should compliment one when their unintended or unconscious doings

have brought good outcomes or great effects.

For example,

let's say you saw a bully-like student standing

when a physically unstable elderly is about to fall while passing by.

Then this bully-like student will suddenly by reflex catch the elderly like this.

This is the type of unintended doings.

Sort of like a reflex.

But when these unintended doings are complimented

like "Ooh~ you had a good heart in you" or "Such a model student~"

the person receiving it didn't calculate it.

He didn't intend this to happen right?

So it's easier for one to think "Oh maybe I do have some good in me".

So one tends to put effort into being a better person.

But here, there's one more important side.

The following compliment that I will introduce may be more important

than the three compliments I have talked about; which is also good for us Koreans.

Koreans. We are quite unusual.

Very unique. Especially this 2020 we are receiving

the most attention worldwide.

Right? Yes.

Making a drive-through COVID19 test, this creative connection!

Who could have thought of it, right?

But this Korean culture has one common characteristic

that isn't bound to the different generations.

I will show you one example from many that demonstrate this.

Now, in this picture there is a monkey on top and a bear and banana at the bottom.

You have to categorize each of the bear and banana to the monkey on top.

This means first, categorize the monkey with the bear

and second, group the monkey and the banana.

How would you group this?

Don't you already have an answer that's so tempting?

See, our country doesn't have that much of a generation distance.

From elders the age of 80-90 to middle and high schoolers (like my two daughters)

everyone groups the monkey and banana together regardless of their generation.

What a surprising outcome.

European psychologists go crazy hearing this report.

And one European psychologist who saw this phenomenon going on

raged on me on the Internet 3 years ago.

"Hey, it's Monkey = animal, Banana = plant!"

"How can you group a plant and animal instead of animal and animal?"

"Don't you people study the most worldwide?"

"But I guess you guys don't learn biology?"

This guy started mentioning our textbook curriculum as well.

So I was like "Oh...gosh"

I once went to a lecture where 100 biologists with doctor's degrees were there,

and they unanimously grouped the monkey and the banana.

So I asked the biologists:

"Isn't monkey = animal, bear = animal, and banana = plant?"

Then all the biologists told me:

"Professor, what are you on about? There is a certain relationship between the monkey and the banana."

We are in a "relationship-oriented" culture. "Relationship" culture.

This culture is very different from Japan's Collectivism.

In collectivism, the group means me,

so the group that I am in is more important than the relationships around me.

So quite often people who are in collectivist cultures

lose their identity when their group disappears, thus commit suicide.

A lot of us were surprised to see many Japanese people

even the country teachers committing suicide after WW2.

Koreans especially say this. Everyone acts like this.

"Why did they do that?"

This isn't a matter of loving one's country.

Then they say:

"Don't they have families?"

"Don't they have friends?"

You have such important relationships around you

so why do you give up when your group has disappeared?

In other words, we think highly of the relationships we form.

So among all the countries, we use the word "us" for "me" situations.

"Our" wife, does this make any sense?

"Our" girlfriend, is this even possible?

You say "our" boyfriend, right?

Translate this into English. It's "Our" boyfriend.

But we use this "our/us". Why?

The boundaries of the self rely much more on relationships.

So the Korean self-introductory letter is the most unique in the world.

Only our country doesn't introduce themselves when writing introductory letters.

We introduce our relationships instead.

We write down "I",

but continue the sentence with "Born among a strict father and gentle mother

I was born as the third child in a family of 3 boys and 2 girls

I was president twice in middle school, did something in high school, university,

our town, the neighboring town, etc... We talk about everything else.

What does this mean?

We should regard relationships within compliments as well.

A Korean's self consists of "somebody's friend, parent, teacher, student,

and child, which is very unique.

So us Koreans who have the widest and strongest connection to relationships

have the desire to be respected of one's relationships

when receiving compliments.

Now, then in reverse

To make one distressed over a compliment rather than giving a beneficial influence

you can praise them in this way.

Only compliment that one person, completely disregarding their relations.

A lot of people do this in the workplace.

To their subordinates, colleagues younger than them,

"Haha, take a look at this guy? You work quite well for a young kiddo~"

I'm saying this isn't a compliment.

Why? This person is a "young" person

who has to go meet his "young" friends after work

and create happy memories sharing similar "young" values

and even marry another "young" person.

But when you disregard every "young generation" relationship surrounding them

and compliment them by turning them against the "young generation",

the young subordinate who heard that compliment

would think "this person may hate me in the future" accordingly.

The become extremely anxious.

Not only adults to the young, supervisors to their subordinates

disregard these relationships while giving compliments.

Us, who are relatively younger also

say these types of disregarding comments to our parents

and give humiliation in regards to their own family.

When I study and talk with other

social welfare related specialists

I ask elders over the age of 80 who live on their own due to separation by death or divorce.

When is the time your middle-aged children upset you the most?

Most of the surveys show the expected answers such as

'When they don't come see me' or 'Don't look out for me'.

These replies are common when given multiple choices on the surveys,

but these social welfare specialists are respectable people.

They talk with the elders calmly for about 1~2 hours.

This is a much qualitative and deeper method.

Once they talk for a long time, most of the elders uncover their hidden thoughts

for the question of when they feel the most hurt regarding their children.

It wasn't because they don't come to see them

but 'when they do come see us and laugh at our relationships.'

"Dad, why do you see that kind of grandma?"

"Mother! Don't meet that kind of grandpa."

When the sons and daughters say this and go home

the parents receive a sense of humiliation from their children they've raised for the past years

that shakes their whole lives in comparison.

Because we all are from different generations we cannot possibly understand

all every relationship among our parents and work supervisors.

I also cannot understand the music that my own two daughters like anymore.

And the interesting thing is the minute they realize I'm listening to their music

they change the idol group they like.

Peer cultures are made to keep their interests to themselves

but I thought doing what they do was communicating.

But that wasn't the case.

The relationships that my child, my parents think highly of

are what we should keep in mind related to the values and strengths they treasure.

Observing what relations my family value

and keeping that in mind while complimenting is the best compliment.

This is the type of beneficial compliment.

"Wow~ I heard that young people nowadays are competent, turns out you're exactly like that!"

Once one hears this type of compliment

they think 'Oh~ this person understands our generation'

and would wish to create a closer bond with the supervisor.

This goes the same for

my senior generation and parents' generation.

"I heard that elders had deep insight in these realms,"

"turns out you are exactly that type of person."

"I learned a lot from you."

When you say that, they would think you respect and understand the pros of their generation

instead of ignoring how old they are.

And they would wish to create a bond with you and expand the relationships that Koreans are fond of.

Koreans' compliments

I hope everyone respects other's valuable relations

and reflect that in their compliments to create a 'clever' compliment.

This is all for today. Thank you.