How women TRAIN men to be ANGRY: don't reward what you don't want
Summary
TLDRDr. Orion terban explores the inadvertent ways women may train men to become angry in relationships. He shares personal anecdotes to illustrate how persistent lack of communication can lead to escalated anger. Terban emphasizes the importance of listening and respecting each other's boundaries to avoid unnecessary conflict. He advises that ignoring a man's reasonable requests can lead to three outcomes: anger escalation, internal collapse, or leaving the relationship. The talk encourages both parties to communicate effectively and respect each other's needs to maintain a healthy relationship.
Takeaways
- 😶 Men often feel unheard in relationships and may resort to anger as a last resort to be acknowledged.
- 🔊 The speaker suggests that women may inadvertently train men to be angry by not responding to non-aggressive communication attempts.
- 👂 It's important for women to listen and validate men's concerns to avoid unnecessary escalation of conflict.
- 🤔 The speaker shares a personal anecdote to illustrate how repeated unsuccessful attempts at communication can lead to anger.
- 💔 Ignoring or invalidating a man's attempts to communicate can lead to a breakdown in the relationship and the man becoming an 'angry' person.
- 🚫 The speaker advises women to avoid putting men in double binds where they feel they must fight to protect their relationship but end up fighting the woman.
- 🔄 There are three potential outcomes for men who feel unheard: escalation to anger, internal collapse, or leaving the relationship.
- 🙅♀️ Women should not expect men to cater to their every desire, but they should respect men's boundaries and listen to reasonable requests.
- 👥 The speaker emphasizes mutual respect in communication as key to maintaining a healthy relationship.
- 💬 The script encourages open discussion and reflection on the topic, inviting listeners to share their own experiences in the comments.
- 👍 The speaker promotes the idea of learning from personal experiences and offering advice to others to prevent similar relationship issues.
Q & A
What is the main topic discussed by Dr. Orion terban in this talk?
-The main topic discussed by Dr. Orion terban is how women inadvertently train men to become angry in relationships.
Why does Dr. Orion terban find the process of women training men to be angry tragic and ironic?
-He finds it tragic and ironic because most women find male anger terrifying and would not prefer to be in the presence of it, yet their actions contribute to its development.
According to Dr. Orion terban, what is the role of men in this process of being trained to be angry?
-Men also have a share of responsibility as they inadvertently allow themselves to be trained in this way.
What does Dr. Orion terban suggest is the first step in resolving issues in a relationship before resorting to anger?
-He suggests that men should attempt to communicate their concerns clearly and effectively using various strategies and psychological tactics.
In Dr. Orion terban's personal anecdote, what was the turning point that led him to realize the relationship was not healthy?
-The turning point was when he lost his temper and yelled at his partner, and for the first time, she changed her behavior, making him realize that he was being trained to be angry to be heard.
Why did Dr. Orion terban decide to leave the relationship he described in the script?
-He decided to leave because he realized that if he had to continue being angry and aggressive to be heard, he would eventually become a defeated shell of his former self.
What are the three possible outcomes for a man when he feels unheard in a relationship, according to Dr. Orion terban?
-The three possible outcomes are: escalating to anger and aggression, collapsing internally to protect himself from pain, or leaving the relationship.
What advice does Dr. Orion terban give to women regarding how to handle disagreements with men in their lives?
-He advises women to take respectful requests from men seriously, rectify problematic behavior quickly, and ensure disagreements do not leave men feeling invalidated or disrespected.
What does Dr. Orion terban suggest is the best move for men when dealing with women who do not respect their boundaries or listen to their reasonable requests?
-He suggests that the best move for men is to exit the relationship as quickly and graciously as possible.
How does Dr. Orion terban encourage the audience to engage with the content of his talk?
-He encourages the audience to share the episode with others who might benefit, like the episode, subscribe to the channel, and consider becoming a channel member for perks.
Outlines
😤 The Unintended Consequences of Communication Breakdown
Dr. Orion terban introduces the topic of how women may inadvertently train men to become angry. He discusses the irony that women, who generally find male anger terrifying, contribute to its development. Using personal anecdotes, Dr. terban illustrates his point by recounting his experience with a past relationship where attempts at non-aggressive communication were ignored, leading to his eventual outburst. This episode highlights the importance of recognizing and addressing communication issues to prevent the escalation of anger and potential relationship deterioration.
📢 Escalation, Invalidation, and the Consequences for Men
This paragraph delves into the potential outcomes when men feel unheard in their relationships. Dr. terban explains that men may initially escalate to anger as a last resort to be heard, which is often counterproductive in relationships. He emphasizes the societal expectations for men to be protectors and the double bind they face when their relationship security is threatened by a woman's behavior. The paragraph outlines the limited options available to men: to escalate, collapse internally, or leave the relationship. Dr. terban advises women to take men's respectful requests seriously to avoid unnecessary conflict and relationship breakdown, while also encouraging men to leave relationships where they are not respected or heard.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Communication
💡Escalation
💡Anger
💡Invalidation
💡Respect
💡Relationship Conflict
💡Boundaries
💡Double Bind
💡Collapse
💡Anecdote
💡Conflict Resolution
Highlights
Dr Orion terban discusses the inadvertent training of men to become angry by women in relationships.
Women often find male anger terrifying, yet contribute to its development.
Men are also responsible for allowing themselves to be trained into anger.
Understanding women's role in this process can reduce relationship conflict.
Dr terban shares a personal anecdote about communication issues with a past partner.
Despite being a good communicator, Dr terban struggled to get through to his partner.
His words did not seem to influence his partner's behavior until he lost his temper.
The realization that raising his voice was the only way to be heard led to the end of the relationship.
Most men do not escalate to anger immediately; they try various communication strategies first.
Ignoring or invalidating men's non-aggressive communication can inadvertently train them to be angry.
The speaker encourages sharing the episode for its potential impact on others.
Men have three options when not heard: escalate to anger, collapse internally, or leave the relationship.
Escalating to anger is often the first strategy men try before considering other options.
Men are socially expected to fight for what matters, including their primary relationships.
Men face a double bind when their relationship security is threatened by a woman's behavior.
Women should avoid putting men in unnecessary double binds to prevent conflict.
The only options for men are to escalate, collapse, or leave when a woman won't listen.
Women should take men's respectful requests seriously to avoid relationship deterioration.
Dr terban advises men to leave a relationship where they are not respected or heard.
The speaker invites listeners to share their thoughts and experiences in the comments.
Transcripts
I'm Dr Orion terban and this is psyx
Better Living Through psychology and the
topic of today's short talk is how women
train men to be
angry this is something that many women
do and that many women do inadvertently
and this of course is to be expected as
few women prefer to be in the presence
of male anger in fact most find male
anger terrifying which makes their
contribution to this process all the
more tragic and ironic and this is not
to say that men don't have their share
of responsibility in this after all they
inadvertently allow themselves to be
trained in this way however if women can
come to appreciate how they may be
perversely incentivizing male anger it
will go a long way toward reducing
unnecessary relationship conflict to
explain how this process occurs I'm
going to begin by sharing an anecdote
from my own life now I am by no means a
perfect person however all other things
being equal I'm a fairly patient guy in
the last 10 years I can count the number
of times I've raised my voice on one
hand and all of those times have been
associated with two specific women I was
in a long-term relationship with one of
these women many years ago and I
remember having a lot of trouble getting
through to her and this was really
puzzling to me because I know that I'm
actually an exceptional Communicator I'm
articulate and precise in my words and I
have good command of tone and expression
to clearly indicate my emotion in
general I don't have a problem
transmitting my message to my intended
audience however when I brought certain
issues to her attention for whatever
reason my words just didn't seem to
penetrate her understanding in the
moment it would seem as though she
understood
however when the conversation was over
she'd just go back to doing whatever it
was that she was doing before as if the
discussion had never happened and in the
beginning I just assumed that this was
my fault that I hadn't yet used the
right words to represent how important
this was to me or how disrespectful and
hurtful her behavior was I assumed that
if she understood this she would have to
change her behavior and the fact that
she hadn't changed her behavior was
proof that she hadn't yet understood
therefore the solution was to try again
and to communicate more clearly and
effectively than before and I did try
again many many many many times not only
that I used all the various
communication strategies and
psychological tactics I had at my
disposal to get my point across and none
of them worked I was calm I was patient
I sought to understand rather than be
understood I tried everything I could to
let her know that her behavior was
problematic and that I wanted it to stop
all to know
aail until one day after scores of
unsuccessful attempts to get through to
her I had had it I snapped I lost my
temper and I yelled and screamed at
her and guess what happened for the
first time ever in the history of that
relationship ship she apparently heard
what I said and she changed her
behavior and it was at this point that I
realized that I had to take myself out
of that relationship which I
subsequently did why because if the only
way I could be heard in my relationship
was by raising my voice and becoming
increasingly aggressive then I would be
molded into an angry aggressive man over
time neither one of us would have wanted
that outcome but that's what would have
happened if nothing changed that
relationship was headed to a very dark
place as I would have functionally had
to choose between being angry and being
ignored women you have to understand
that the vast majority of men don't
escalate to anger immediately and you
should just leave any man who does
rather the vast majority of men will try
to communicate with their women many
many many times in different ways using
different strategies before resorting to
anger and this is how women
inadvertently train their men to be
angry By ignoring disrespecting or
invalidating them when they attempt to
communicate non-
aggressively and as should be abundantly
obvious this is very very stupid
now before I go any further if you're
liking what you're hearing please
consider sending this episode to someone
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appreciate your support you make all of
this happen thank you very
much now if a man for whatever reason
can't seem to get through to his woman
about something important to him if he
remains unheard time and time again then
there are really only three things that
can happen the first thing that can
happen is that the man will escalate to
anger and aggression For Better or Worse
most men are going to attempt this
strategy first before moving on to one
of the two remaining options
in general when people don't feel heard
they get louder this is often
counterproductive especially in
intersexual relationships however it is
one of the remaining options when reason
and understanding fail and just to be
clear this isn't always a bad thing
after all men are socially expected to
be protectors and they are encouraged to
fight for the things that matter to them
typically one of the things that matters
to men are their primary relationships
now when the security of that
relationship is threatened by say a home
Invader few women would have a problem
with their men fighting to defend their
relationships however when it is a
woman's behavior that threatens the
security of the
relationship then men are placed in a
double bind they feel pulled to protect
the relationship but doing so
functionally means they end up fighting
the woman who constitutes that
relationship if they don't fight they
lose if they do fight they lose
this is unwise women it is not wise to
put men in double binds unnecessarily
and this is because after most men
escalate to anger and aggression and
find it to be counterproductive they are
left with only two real courses of
action either the man collapses
internally in order to protect himself
from the pain associated with his
continued
invalidation becoming over time a shell
of his former self or he
leaves that's it those are the only
options a man has when dealing with a
woman who won't listen to him he will
either escalate collapse or leave there
are no other
options now women does this mean that
you simply have to cater to men's every
desire absolutely not however it does
mean that it's in your best interests
either to rectify problematic Behavior
as quickly as possible or or to find
ways to ensure that you disagree with
your man in a way that does not leave
him feeling invalidated or
disrespected in general you should take
respectful requests from the men in your
life
seriously because they may not remain
patient and respectful
indefinitely and you wouldn't expect
them to remain indefinitely patient and
respectful if they were dealing with
anyone else who was threatening your
relationship failure to do this
functionally ensures that you will
experience more and more conflict in
your relationship until you end up
either a with the defeated shell of your
man's former self or B alone and how do
either one of these outcomes serve you
and just for the record just like I
encouraged you to Simply leave any man
who immediately escalates to anger I
encourage every man I work with to
Simply leave any woman who refuses to
respect his boundaries or listen to his
reasonable requests fighting with a
woman isn't worth it for a man because
there's no way he can win and staying in
a relationship until he is a husk of his
former self is an even more devastating
outcome this means the best possible
move when dealing with such women is for
men to exit as quickly and graciously as
possible I've since learned my lesson
and you can too what do you think does
this fit with your own experience let me
know in the comments below and if you've
gotten this far you might as well like
this episode And subscribe to this
channel you may also consider becoming a
channel member with perks like the
priority review of comments or booking a
paid consultation as always thank you
for
listening
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