How to Work with a Passive-Aggressive Coworker | The Harvard Business Review Guide

Summary

In this insightful script, Amy Gallo discusses the prevalence of passive-aggressive behavior in the workplace and offers strategies for understanding and managing it. She emphasizes that such behavior often stems from a desire to avoid conflict or a lack of perceived power. Gallo provides practical tips, including avoiding labels, focusing on underlying messages, not retaliating in written communication, and seeking team support to foster a more productive work environment.

Takeaways

• 😐 Passive-aggressive behavior is common in workplaces and can even be exhibited by great colleagues at times.
• 🤔 The coworker exhibiting passive-aggressive traits may not be doing it on purpose and might not even be aware of it.
• 🤝 Understanding the motivations behind a passive-aggressive coworker's behavior can lead to less painful relationships.
• 😣 Common passive-aggressive behaviors include not following through on commitments, sending uncommitted emails, and giving backhanded compliments.
• 🤷‍♂️ Defining passive-aggressiveness involves indirect communication of thoughts or feelings instead of being upfront.
• 💭 Passive-aggressive behaviors may stem from a desire to avoid conflict or from feeling powerless in a situation.
• 🙅‍♂️ Avoid labeling a coworker as passive-aggressive as it can cause defensiveness and is unlikely how they see themselves.
• 🔍 Focus on the underlying message of a passive-aggressive coworker's behavior rather than the behavior itself.
• 📝 When responding to passive-aggressive communication, keep it professional and avoid engaging in the same behavior.
• 👥 Seek support from the team to address passive-aggressive behaviors, as collective action can be more effective.
• 📚 The tips provided are from the book 'Getting Along--How to Work with Anyone, Even Difficult People', suggesting further reading for those interested.

Q & A

What is the bad news about passive-aggressive coworkers according to Amy Gallo?

The bad news is that you can't avoid passive-aggressive coworkers as they are present in almost every workplace, and even great colleagues may act passive-aggressively at times.

What is the good news about dealing with passive-aggressive coworkers as mentioned by Amy Gallo?

The good news is that your colleague is probably not being a jerk on purpose, and understanding their motivations can make the relationship less painful.

What is the definition of passive-aggressive behavior in a workplace context?

A coworker is behaving passive-aggressively when they are not straightforward about their thoughts and instead use indirect methods to convey their thoughts or feelings.

Why do people exhibit passive-aggressive behavior, according to Gabrielle Adams?

People exhibit passive-aggressive behavior to cushion feedback, soften a blow, avoid offending others, or because they don't want to engage in conflict or confrontation.

What are some common reasons that lead to passive-aggressive behavior in the workplace?

Common reasons include feeling powerless in a situation, lacking a voice or say in decisions, and the fear of rejection or the desire to be perfect.

What is the first tip Amy Gallo gives for dealing with a passive-aggressive coworker?

The first tip is to avoid calling them passive-aggressive, as it's a loaded phrase that may make them angry or defensive, and instead try to understand what's going on with them.

What should you focus on when a passive-aggressive coworker is communicating indirectly?

Focus on what they are trying to say, rather than their behavior, and try to get to the heart of their message.

How should you respond to written passive-aggressive jabs from a coworker?

Keep your responses professional and short, and try to avoid responding in a similar tone. It's better to have a phone call, video call, or in-person conversation instead.

What is the purpose of getting support from the team when dealing with a passive-aggressive coworker?

Getting support from the team can help create positive peer pressure and public accountability, which can be effective in changing the coworker's behavior without making them feel singled out.

What is the main advice Amy Gallo gives for not taking passive-aggressive behavior personally?

The main advice is to remember that if you feel targeted, it's likely that the coworker treats others similarly, and their behavior is more about them than about you.

What book does Amy Gallo reference for additional tips on working with difficult people?

Amy Gallo references her book 'Getting Along--How to Work with Anyone, Even Difficult People' for more tips on dealing with challenging coworkers.

Outlines

00:00

😐 Understanding Passive-Aggressive Behavior in the Workplace

The first paragraph introduces the topic of passive-aggressive behavior in the workplace, acknowledging its prevalence and the likelihood that everyone has encountered or exhibited such behavior at some point. Amy Gallo explains that passive-aggressive individuals may not intend to be malicious, but their indirect communication style can be frustrating. Gabrielle Adams, a professor at the University of Virginia, provides insight into why people might adopt passive-aggressive behaviors, such as a desire to avoid conflict or feelings of powerlessness. The paragraph emphasizes the importance of understanding the motivations behind such behavior to improve workplace relationships.

05:03

🤔 Strategies for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive Coworkers

The second paragraph offers practical advice on how to handle passive-aggressive coworkers effectively. It suggests avoiding labeling someone as passive-aggressive, as this can lead to defensiveness. Instead, one should focus on understanding the underlying message and expressing genuine concern. The paragraph advises maintaining professionalism in written communication and seeking face-to-face or phone conversations to encourage directness. It also recommends seeking support from the team to address passive-aggressive behaviors collectively, such as setting team guidelines for interaction and holding each other accountable. The summary concludes with a reminder not to take passive-aggressive behavior personally and to consider the tips provided in Amy Gallo's book 'Getting Along' for further guidance.

Keywords

💡Passive-aggressive

Passive-aggressive behavior is characterized by indirect expressions of negative feelings instead of direct communication. In the video's context, it refers to coworkers who do not openly express their thoughts or feelings but convey them through actions like not following through on commitments or giving backhanded compliments. The video discusses the prevalence of this behavior in workplaces and offers strategies for dealing with it constructively.

💡Conflict avoidance

Conflict avoidance is the tendency to steer clear of confrontations or disagreements. The video script mentions that passive-aggressive behavior can stem from a desire to avoid conflict, as individuals may not want to offend others or engage in direct confrontations. This behavior is often a response to feeling powerless or lacking a voice in a situation.

💡Indirect communication

Indirect communication is a way of expressing one's thoughts or feelings without being explicit. The video describes how passive-aggressive individuals use indirect methods to share their sentiments, which can include not responding to emails, giving disguised insults, or using body language like rolling their eyes.

💡Motivation

Motivation refers to the reasons or driving forces behind an individual's behavior. In the video, understanding the motivations behind a passive-aggressive coworker's behavior is suggested as a key step in improving the relationship. Common motivations include fear of rejection or a desire to avoid confrontation.

💡Feedback cushioning

Feedback cushioning is the practice of softening criticism or negative feedback to make it more palatable. The script explains that passive-aggressive behavior can be a form of cushioning feedback, where individuals attempt to communicate their dissatisfaction without causing offense.

💡Genuine concern

Genuine concern implies a sincere interest in understanding someone's situation or feelings. The video advises showing genuine concern instead of labeling a coworker's behavior, which can help in fostering a more open and honest dialogue about the issues at hand.

💡Productive interactions

Productive interactions are conversations or engagements that lead to positive outcomes or solutions. The video encourages nudging passive-aggressive coworkers into more productive interactions by addressing the underlying issues and avoiding the temptation to respond in kind to their behavior.

💡Professionalism

Professionalism is the quality of conducting oneself responsibly and efficiently in a professional setting. The video suggests maintaining professionalism in responses to passive-aggressive behavior, especially in written communication, to set an example of respectful candor.

💡Peer pressure

Peer pressure is the influence that peers exert on an individual to conform to certain behaviors or attitudes. The script discusses using positive peer pressure as a strategy to encourage passive-aggressive coworkers to change their behavior, by setting team guidelines and holding each other accountable.

💡Accountability

Accountability is the obligation to report on or take responsibility for one's actions. The video mentions the importance of holding passive-aggressive coworkers accountable for their commitments, either through team agreements or by keeping records of what was agreed upon.

💡Harmonious work environment

A harmonious work environment is one where employees can work together effectively and without conflict. The video's main theme revolves around creating a less painful and more harmonious relationship with passive-aggressive coworkers by understanding their motivations and adopting strategies to improve interactions.

Highlights

Passive-aggressive coworkers are common in almost every workplace.

Even great colleagues can sometimes exhibit passive-aggressive behavior.

Understanding the motivations behind passive-aggressive behavior can ease workplace relationships.

Passive-aggressive behavior is often a result of indirect communication due to fear of conflict.

Individuals may act passive-aggressively when they feel powerless or without a voice in a situation.

Passive-aggressive behavior can stem from common fears like rejection or the desire to be perfect.

Avoid labeling a coworker as passive-aggressive, as it can provoke anger or defensiveness.

Instead of labeling, try to understand and address the underlying issues causing the behavior.

Focus on deciphering the real message behind passive-aggressive communication.

When responding to passive-aggressive behavior, maintain professionalism and avoid escalation.

Use direct communication methods like phone calls or in-person chats to address issues.

Seek support from the team to handle passive-aggressive behavior collectively.

Setting team guidelines can help manage and hold individuals accountable for their actions.

Dealing with passive-aggressive behavior is a gradual process and should not be taken personally.

Key points for dealing with passive-aggressive coworkers include avoiding labels and seeking understanding.

The book 'Getting Along--How to Work with Anyone, Even Difficult People' provides further insights on this topic.

Engaging with peers and creating a supportive team environment can mitigate passive-aggressive interactions.

Transcripts

AMY GALLO: OK.

I've got good news and bad news about

passive-aggressive coworkers.

First, the bad news.

You can't avoid them.

They're in practically every workplace,

and even great colleagues sometimes

act passive-aggressively.

And guess what.

You have probably behaved passive-aggressively

at some point too.

I know I have.

The good news, your colleague is probably not

being a jerk on purpose.

And if you can understand a little bit

about what motivates them, your relationship

will be a lot less painful.

I'm going to show you what makes them tick

and then share some tips for getting along with them.

We've all worked with that person.

You know the one.

They commit to doing something in a meeting

and then never follow through, or that email they promise just

never shows up, or maybe they pay you a compliment, which

is really just a disguised insult. So they might say,

you have such a relaxed style, which truly means,

I think you're lazy.

They might roll their eyes at you

or give you the cold shoulder.

But then, when you ask them, what's wrong,

they say, nothing.

It's all in your head.

It is so frustrating.

These are all behaviors that you would consider

passive-aggressive, but let's define that term a little more

clearly.

Your coworker is behaving passive-aggressively

when they're not forthcoming about what they're truly

thinking and instead use indirect methods to convey

their thoughts or feelings.

To work harmoniously with them, we

need to know why they're behaving that way.

GABRIELLE ADAMS: Passive-aggressiveness

is one of those behaviors that people

use when they think that they're trying

to cushion feedback or soften a blow

or they don't want to offend.

AMY GALLO: That's Gabe Adams, a professor

at the University of Virginia, and she

studies this exact topic.

GABRIELLE ADAMS: It can also just come from a place of,

I don't want to take the time to get

into a conflict with someone or have a confrontation.

AMY GALLO: In addition to avoiding conflict,

Gabe says that sometimes colleagues

slip into passive-aggressive behavior

because it feels like it might be their only option.

GABRIELLE ADAMS: On the communicator's end,

they can think of a whole bunch of situational reasons

why they might want to be indirect.

For example, they're relatively powerless in a situation,

they don't feel like they have much of a voice or much

of a say in a decision, that they can't come

in strong and hard and direct.

And so, as a result, they come across

in a way that feels passive-aggressive.

AMY GALLO: So they may not be doing it for harmful reasons,

and they may not even realize that they're being indirect.

They may be trying to avoid saying no or being honest

about what they're feeling.

Their behavior is often driven by common fears

like the fear of rejection or a desire for something

like the desire to be perfect.

With all that in mind, here are some tips

for dealing with your passive-aggressive coworker.

Tip one-- avoid calling them passive-aggressive.

It's a loaded phrase.

And besides, they probably don't think of themselves

as passive-aggressive.

Chances are it's going to make them angry or more defensive.

Instead, try to understand what's going on with them.

Rather than saying, you're being a passive-aggressive jerk,

try saying, I notice that you never responded to my email

and you never followed up after that meeting

like you said you would.

What's going on?

And don't try to label their feelings.

Don't tell them they're angry or upset.

Chances are you're going to get it wrong anyway.

Show genuine concern rather than trying to label their behavior.

Tip two-- focus on what they're trying to say.

When they're being passive-aggressive,

they're actually trying to tell you something.

While their message may be wrapped

in a snarky comment or a rude email,

you want to try to get to the heart of what they're really

trying to say.

Away from the situation, take time to think through,

what's the underlying idea?

What do they care about?

What are they trying to tell me?

Do they think that the way I'm running this project

isn't working, or do they disagree

about the team's goals?

Once you have an idea about what they might be thinking,

test it out.

Respectfully and without judgment, ask what's going on.

You're basically trying to give them

a way to express themselves that's not indirect and not

rude but just straightforward.

Don't think of this as letting your coworker off the hook

for their bad behavior.

See it as a way to nudge them into more

productive interactions.

Tip three-- don't take the bait.

I don't know about you, but most of the passive-aggressive jabs

I get from coworkers come via Slack or email or even text

message.

These are all horrible mediums for any difficult conversation,

but especially one with a passive-aggressive coworker.

It is so tempting to strike back and say rude things as well.

I've done it many times, and I've always regretted it.

If your coworker makes jabs in writing,

keep your responses professional and short.

For example, if your coworker writes, I'm not sure

if you saw my last email, period,

you can respond with a simple, thanks for the reminder.

If they write, as we discussed earlier,

and then they go on to recap a conversation you both know

you had, you can respond with, I appreciate that we're still

on the same page.

Model the respectful candor that you wish your colleague

would show.

The best thing you can do, though,

resist the urge to reply in text or email at all.

Instead, pick up the phone or have a video call

or just walk by their desk.

If they can't hide behind a screen,

they'll have to be more direct with you.

Tip four-- get support from the team.

It's easier to get caught up in a never-ending

back and forth of, you're mad, no, I'm not,

when it's just the two of you, so

enlist the help of your teammates.

You don't want to gang up on anyone,

but you don't have to go it alone either.

Start by asking others if they're noticing the same

behaviors that you're noticing.

Frame it is an attempt to constructively improve

your relationship so it doesn't come off as gossip

or bad-mouthing your coworker.

You might ask something like, how did Sean's comment land

with you?

How did you interpret that?

If your teammates confirm that the behavior is

counterproductive, you can then decide together how to proceed.

For example, it might help to set guidelines for how everyone

on your team will interact.

So if, for example, your colleague

fails to follow through on what they say they're going to do,

you can agree collectively that everyone

has to commit at the end of the meeting

verbally to what they promise to do.

You might also take notes on who's agreed to do what

and by when so you can circulate those notes to everyone

afterwards.

If your colleague later denies that they

agreed to do something or fails to follow through,

you can rely on the team to hold them accountable.

Even the worst offenders are likely to give in

to peer pressure and public accountability.

By making it a whole-team policy,

it prevents the passive-aggressive coworker

from feeling singled out and getting more defensive.

Dealing with a passive-aggressive coworker

is tough.

Your relationship with this person

is unlikely to change overnight.

Remember, don't take it personally.

You may feel targeted, but chances are they treat others

similarly, and it's probably more about them

than it is about you.

Here are the key points to remember.

Avoid the label.

It doesn't help, and they probably

don't recognize their behavior as passive-aggressive.

Instead, ask why they may be acting the way they are.

Focus on what they're trying to say rather than their behavior.

Test it out by asking them if you correctly

understand their thinking.

Don't take the bait by responding

to snarky emails or texts.

Model respectful candor and have a phone, video,

or in-person chat instead.

Get support from the team.

You don't need to deal with a passive-aggressive colleague

alone.

Positive peer pressure can go a long way.

All of the tips I've just shared come

from my book Getting Along--

How to Work with Anyone, Even Difficult

People, which we'll link in the description below.

If you have an idea about how to best work

with a passive-aggressive colleague or a topic

that you'd like us to cover in an upcoming HBR video,

let us know in the comments below.

Thanks for watching.