Kids don’t always make you happier. Here’s why people have them anyway. | Paul Bloom

Summary

This video script delves into the complex motivations behind having children, blending insights from evolutionary biology, psychology, and personal experience. It discusses the Darwinian perspective on parenting, highlighting how the genes that promoted nurturing behaviors thrived. The script explores the challenges of parenting, such as sleeplessness and anxiety, and the idea of 'motivational pluralism,' where people seek purpose, pleasure, and meaning. While the day-to-day experience of raising children may be difficult, parents often reflect on their experiences with fondness, suggesting that parenthood can offer deep, transformative meaning in life.

Takeaways

• 😀 From a Darwinian perspective, animals that weren't motivated to have children didn't leave behind as many offspring as those that did.
• 😀 Primate ancestors who were more nurturing towards their young likely had more successful genetic outcomes compared to those who viewed children as a food source.
• 😀 Humans have the flexibility to choose to have children or not, which complicates the motivations behind having kids in modern times.
• 😀 Having children comes with obvious negatives, such as money, anxiety, sleepless nights, and tension between parents.
• 😀 The primary source of conflict for couples with children is often related to parenting, not money, sex, or relatives.
• 😀 Whether children bring overall happiness depends on the individual, with answers differing in unpredictable ways.
• 😀 Many parents report that their lives are meaningful, and raising children contributes to this sense of purpose, despite the struggles.
• 😀 There are two kinds of happiness: 'experienced happiness' (the present moment) and 'remembered happiness' (how we recall past experiences).
• 😀 Parents tend to have lower levels of experienced happiness in daily tasks like diaper changes, but their remembered happiness may be higher due to positive memories of their children.
• 😀 Having children is considered a 'transformative experience,' changing one's priorities, interests, and life in ways that are difficult to predict, making it hard to project what it would be like beforehand.

Q & A

Why are humans motivated to have children from a Darwinian perspective?

From a Darwinian point of view, humans are motivated to have children because those individuals who were predisposed to have offspring left behind more descendants than those who did not. The genes that promoted having children were more successful in passing on to future generations.

What happened to primate ancestors who might have eaten their offspring?

Primate ancestors who were inclined to eat their offspring likely did not pass on their genes as successfully. The genes of those who were more inclined to love and protect their offspring prospered instead.

What does the flexibility of humans allow in terms of having children?

Humans, as reflective beings, have the ability to think about their actions and make choices. This includes choosing to have sex without the intention of having children, which adds complexity to the decision of whether or not to have kids.

What are some of the negative aspects of having children?

The negatives of having children include money concerns, anxiety, sleepless nights, and the significant amount of time and energy required. Studies have also shown that for couples with children, arguments related to kids are the most common source of tension.

What is the relationship between happiness and having children?

Happiness related to children is complex and can differ. While the day-to-day experience of having children may lead to lower experienced happiness (such as dealing with sleepless nights and diaper changes), the remembered happiness is often higher, as people tend to focus on positive memories.

What is 'motivational pluralism,' and how does it relate to having children?

'Motivational pluralism' refers to the fact that humans have multiple desires, including pleasure, goodness, meaning, and purpose. Having children might not necessarily be driven by the pursuit of happiness but rather the desire for a meaningful life.

How do parents typically respond when told that kids may not increase overall happiness?

Parents often respond by saying that having children is not about achieving happiness but about love and attachment. They may prioritize emotional fulfillment over the more practical aspects of happiness.

What does 'remembered happiness' mean, and how does it relate to having children?

Remembered happiness refers to how much one enjoys recalling past experiences. Parents tend to remember the positive aspects of raising children, such as the good times, even if the day-to-day experience was more challenging. This leads to a higher remembered happiness compared to experienced happiness.

What does Laurie Paul mean by 'transformative experience' in the context of having children?

Laurie Paul's concept of a 'transformative experience' refers to life events that change a person in such a way that they can't fully predict how they will feel or act in that new state. Having children is one such experience because it significantly alters one's priorities, interests, and drives.

Is having children the only way to find meaning in life?

No, having children is not the only route to meaning. Some people, whether by choice or circumstance, live fulfilling lives without becoming parents. There are multiple ways to find purpose and meaning in life.