Living With Borderline Personality Disorder - Documentary/Interview

Summary

This video script explores a deeply personal and emotional account of a complicated relationship with a parent. The speaker reflects on growing up with an abusive father who intermittently showed affection, leading to a confusing attachment. Despite the trauma, the speaker still yearns for connection, especially as their father’s health deteriorates. There’s also a poignant struggle with the speaker’s mother, who, while not abusive, didn’t provide emotional support, leaving the speaker to chase love and validation from their father. The narrative delves into themes of unresolved trauma, emotional conflict, and the desire for closure.

Takeaways

• 😀 The speaker describes a deeply conflicted relationship with their father, marked by both emotional attachment and significant abuse.
• 😀 Despite experiencing abuse, the speaker still feels a need for their father’s approval and struggles with feelings of love and resentment.
• 😀 The father displayed moments of affection towards the speaker, such as giving hugs, which complicated their ability to completely detach emotionally.
• 😀 The speaker feels like they have been chasing their father for love and validation throughout their life, contributing to ongoing emotional pain.
• 😀 There is resentment towards the father for not acknowledging or addressing the abuse, especially considering the speaker's emotional effort to maintain a relationship.
• 😀 The speaker feels hurt by a comment from their father, who accused them of forgetting him, despite the speaker having been the one to pursue a relationship.
• 😀 The speaker is planning a trip to the Philippines and is conflicted about seeing their father, knowing he is very sick but also resenting his past actions.
• 😀 The speaker’s family, including uncles and their mother, strongly advises against staying with their father, warning them to limit the visit due to his toxic influence.
• 😀 The speaker’s father has never met their son, who is his first grandchild, and this adds to the complexity of their desire to see him before he passes away.
• 😀 The speaker reflects on the contrasting emotional dynamics with both parents: while the father was abusive but intermittently affectionate, the mother was not abusive but emotionally distant, leaving the speaker emotionally unfulfilled in both cases.

Q & A

Why does the speaker continue to chase a relationship with their father despite the abuse?

The speaker seems to have an instinctual need to seek love and validation from their father, which is common in complex abusive relationships. Despite the abuse, the father sometimes showed affection, which creates emotional confusion and keeps the speaker engaged in seeking a connection with him.

What impact did the father's abuse have on the speaker's emotional attachment to him?

The father's abuse complicated the speaker's emotional attachment. While the father was abusive, there were moments of affection that confused the speaker's perception of love, leading them to hold onto the idea of a relationship with him, despite the harm.

Why does the speaker express a desire to see their father before he dies?

The speaker wants to see their father before he dies to achieve some form of closure or to maintain a connection. There is also a desire for their father to meet their child, which suggests an ongoing hope for reconciliation or resolution.

What is the significance of the speaker's father's comment, 'You finally remember me'?

The father's comment, 'You finally remember me,' is a deeply hurtful remark that seems to downplay the speaker's emotional efforts to connect with him. It reflects the father's neglect of their relationship, despite the speaker's constant attempts to maintain a bond, and adds to the resentment the speaker feels.

What role does the speaker's mother play in the speaker's perception of emotional connection?

The speaker's mother was not abusive, but she did not provide the emotional support or connection that the speaker needed. This lack of emotional capacity from the mother contrasts with the father's occasional affection, which may have intensified the speaker's attachment to him despite the abuse.

Why does the speaker's family advise them not to stay with their father when they visit the Philippines?

The speaker's family advises against staying with the father because they are likely aware of his abusive behavior and the emotional turmoil it causes. They want to protect the speaker from further harm and suggest limiting time with the father to prevent emotional distress.

What emotional conflict is the speaker facing regarding visiting their father?

The speaker faces a strong emotional conflict between wanting to see their father to perhaps gain closure and resentfully acknowledging the abuse they endured. Despite their anger and the toxic dynamic, they still feel a pull to connect with him, especially since he is sick.

How does the speaker feel about their father's inconsistent affection?

The speaker is conflicted about their father's inconsistent affection. While the father sometimes showed love, this affection was overshadowed by the abuse, leaving the speaker uncertain about whether the love was genuine or manipulative, which complicates their emotions.

How does the speaker describe the relationship with their father at the present moment?

The relationship with the father is currently marked by resentment. The speaker still seeks a connection but feels that they have been the one chasing love and attention all their life. The father's coldness and neglect contribute to ongoing emotional pain and frustration.

What does the speaker's desire for their father to meet their son reveal about their emotional struggle?

The desire for the father to meet their son highlights the speaker's longing for family connection and closure. It suggests that, despite the abuse, the speaker still hopes for some form of reconciliation or validation, possibly through the next generation, symbolized by their son.