How to Communicate Assertively 4 Tips

Summary

This video explores the importance of assertive communication by comparing it with passive, aggressive, and passive-aggressive styles. Assertive communication is described as direct and respectful, with a focus on mutual respect. The video emphasizes using 'I' language and staying composed, avoiding emotional reactions. Four key tips are provided for communicating more assertively: stay calm, express yourself clearly, use 'I' statements, and practice good listening. The speaker also offers a free PDF on essential communication skills for professionals. Viewers are encouraged to self-assess their own communication style.

Takeaways

• 😀 Assertive communication is about being direct and respectful, unlike passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive styles.
• 😌 Passive communication avoids expressing needs, leading to unmet expectations.
• 😠 Aggressive communication involves blaming and controlling others, often escalating conflicts.
• 😶 Passive-aggressive communication is indirect, with emotions simmering below the surface, often leaking out in sarcastic or manipulative ways.
• 🤝 Assertive communicators express their thoughts clearly while respecting others' opinions.
• 💬 Using 'I' language instead of 'you' language helps communicate personal concerns without blame.
• 🧘‍♀️ Preparing and practicing your message ahead of time ensures you're calm and composed during important conversations.
• 🎯 Focus on your message and avoid trying to control the other person's response or outcome.
• 👂 Being a good listener fosters mutual respect and sets the right tone for assertive communication.
• ⏳ Patience in listening allows time to fully understand the other person’s perspective before responding assertively.

Q & A

What is assertive communication?

Assertive communication is a direct and respectful way of expressing your thoughts and needs. It involves clearly stating your preferences while also respecting the opinions of others.

How does passive communication differ from assertive communication?

Passive communication involves avoiding expressing one’s own thoughts or needs, often out of fear or a desire to avoid conflict. Assertive communication, on the other hand, is clear and direct, allowing people to express their views while respecting others.

What are some key characteristics of aggressive communication?

Aggressive communication is dominating, often involving blaming, attacking, and finger-pointing. Aggressive communicators use harsh 'you' language and may escalate conversations by cutting people off or using angry tones.

What is passive-aggressive communication?

Passive-aggressive communication is when someone does not express their feelings directly but allows their anger or frustration to simmer, often letting it leak out in indirect ways, such as sarcasm, gossip, or passive comments.

Why is assertive communication considered the best approach?

Assertive communication is the most effective because it communicates clearly and respectfully without emotional noise. This allows your message to be heard without distracting the other person with an unhelpful communication style.

What is the importance of using 'I' language in assertive communication?

'I' language focuses on expressing your thoughts and feelings, which helps reduce defensiveness in the listener. It avoids placing blame and allows for a more productive conversation, unlike aggressive 'you' language.

How can you prepare for an assertive conversation?

You can prepare by drafting and practicing your message several times, revising it to remove any emotional edges. This ensures your communication is composed, clear, and concise.

What are some strategies to stay calm before an assertive conversation?

To stay calm, it's helpful to sleep on the issue, wait 24 hours before speaking, and draft out your message. Revising and practicing your message multiple times can also help you maintain composure.

How can listening help improve assertive communication?

Good listening shows respect and can encourage the other person to reciprocate. By listening patiently and asking clarifying questions, you create a more productive and respectful dialogue, which supports assertive communication.

What is the role of control in different communication styles?

In aggressive communication, control is exerted over others, while passive communication often reflects a lack of control. Assertive communication focuses on expressing your own views without attempting to control others, leading to more effective interactions.

Outlines

00:00

🗣️ Introduction to Assertive Communication

The video begins by discussing the challenges of assertive communication and why it is a crucial topic. The speaker introduces the agenda, which includes comparing different communication styles and providing four tips to communicate assertively. They also mention a free PDF with essential communication skills, which viewers can download. The focus shifts to how assertive communication compares with other styles like passive and aggressive communication.

05:02

🤐 The Pitfalls of Passive Communication

The speaker explains passive communication, where individuals avoid expressing their thoughts and needs. This often results in their needs being unmet, as others cannot read their minds. Passive communicators tend to accept others' positions to avoid conflict or due to a lack of confidence, leading to a recurring pattern. The speaker highlights the importance of speaking up to ensure personal needs are communicated.

😡 Aggressive Communication and Its Consequences

Aggressive communication is described as domineering, where individuals blame, attack, and attempt to control conversations. The speaker shares an example of working with an aggressive communicator who used 'you' language, interrupted others, and showed frustration physically. This style creates conflict, as the aggressive communicator seeks to dominate others, making it hard to resolve issues respectfully.

🛑 Understanding Assertive Communication

Assertive communication is direct and respectful, driven by mutual respect. It involves clearly stating one's preferences without trying to control others. Unlike aggressive communicators, assertive communicators use 'I' language, taking responsibility for their feelings and perspectives. The speaker emphasizes that assertive communication is about owning one's viewpoint while respecting others, making it a more effective way to be heard.

😤 The Subtleties of Passive-Aggressive Communication

Passive-aggressive communicators avoid direct confrontation but express their frustration indirectly. They may make sarcastic remarks, grumble during meetings, or use gossip instead of addressing issues head-on. The speaker recalls an experience with a passive-aggressive colleague who never openly expressed dissatisfaction but communicated it through indirect, often unhelpful, behaviors.

🔄 Why Assertive Communication is the Best Approach

The speaker explains that assertive communication is the most effective because it avoids the emotional noise of aggressive or passive-aggressive styles. Assertiveness enables clarity, allowing the message to be heard without unnecessary distractions. By being direct and respectful, assertive communicators increase their chances of being understood and respected. The speaker encourages viewers to reflect on their own communication style.

📝 Tip 1: Prepare and Practice Assertive Messages

The first tip to communicate assertively is to prepare and practice messages in advance. The speaker suggests ensuring emotional control before entering a conversation, possibly by waiting 24 hours or revising a drafted message several times. Practicing the message helps remove emotional edges, allowing for a more composed and concise delivery. This preparation helps speakers approach conversations calmly and confidently.

🎯 Tip 2: Be Direct and Respectful

The second tip emphasizes saying what needs to be said in a direct yet respectful manner. The speaker advises focusing on your own message and not trying to control the other person's response. They reference a humorous scene from *The Office* to illustrate the futility of trying to control others' reactions. Instead, assertive communication is about expressing your own thoughts while respecting the other person's right to their perspective.

💬 Tip 3: Use 'I' Language to Express Yourself

The third tip involves using 'I' language instead of 'you' language to avoid blaming others. 'I' statements focus on personal feelings and perspectives, such as 'I’m feeling overwhelmed' instead of 'You’re giving me too much work.' This approach reduces defensiveness and invites the other person to collaborate rather than feeling attacked. The speaker warns against sneaking 'you' language into 'I' statements, encouraging thoughtful revisions.

👂 Tip 4: Be a Good Listener

The fourth tip stresses the importance of active listening. After expressing your thoughts, it's crucial to give the other person space to share their perspective. Good listening involves maintaining eye contact, showing supportive body language, and asking questions to understand their viewpoint. This promotes mutual respect and helps keep the conversation constructive. The speaker highlights that listening patiently can prevent emotional reactions and foster clearer communication.

📥 Conclusion: Assertive Communication and Self-Assessment

In the conclusion, the speaker encourages viewers to download the free PDF with essential communication skills. They ask viewers to reflect on their own communication style and assess whether they lean towards assertiveness, passiveness, or aggressiveness. The video closes with the speaker thanking the audience and inviting them to share their thoughts in the comments.

Keywords

💡Assertive communication

Assertive communication refers to expressing one's thoughts, needs, and feelings in a direct and respectful way. It contrasts with aggressive or passive approaches and emphasizes mutual respect. The video highlights assertive communication as the best approach for clear and effective conversations, where one shares their perspective without silencing others. For example, an assertive communicator says 'I'm concerned about the delay,' taking ownership of their feelings.

💡Passive communication

Passive communication occurs when someone avoids expressing their thoughts or needs, often due to fear, lack of confidence, or desire to avoid conflict. The video points out that this style leads to a failure in getting one's needs met since others cannot read their mind. Passive communicators may quietly accept other people’s positions, reinforcing a cycle where their concerns go unheard.

💡Aggressive communication

Aggressive communication involves dominating the conversation with blaming, attacking, or controlling others. It often includes using 'you' language, such as 'It’s all your fault,' and aims to assert control over the situation. In the video, aggressive communicators are characterized by a forceful tone, interruptions, and gestures, which push others away and prevent constructive dialogue.

💡Passive-aggressive communication

Passive-aggressive communication combines elements of both passive and aggressive styles. Here, the communicator doesn't express their frustrations directly but lets them simmer beneath the surface, releasing them through sarcasm, indirect comments, or gossip. The video describes this as an unhealthy way to express anger, as the communicator may grumble during meetings but deny having an issue when asked directly.

💡I language

'I language' is a communication tool that focuses on expressing one's thoughts and feelings from a personal perspective, rather than blaming others. It is highlighted as a key element of assertive communication in the video. For example, instead of saying 'You're giving me too much work,' one would say 'I’m feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work I have,' which helps avoid defensiveness from the other person.

💡You language

'You language' refers to statements that place blame or responsibility on others, often leading to defensiveness. It is typically used by aggressive communicators. The video contrasts 'you language' with 'I language,' showing that saying 'You are ignoring my concerns' tends to escalate conflict, while using 'I language' fosters a more respectful and constructive conversation.

💡Mutual respect

Mutual respect is the driving force behind assertive communication, according to the video. It involves recognizing and valuing the perspectives of others while clearly expressing your own needs. The video suggests that assertive communicators focus on respect by stating their preferences without attempting to dominate or silence the other person, fostering healthier and more balanced interactions.

💡Composure

Composure refers to remaining calm and emotionally controlled before engaging in important conversations. The video advises maintaining composure to prevent emotional outbursts from affecting the message. Techniques like sleeping on the issue or revising one's message multiple times are recommended to help ensure that the conversation is calm, respectful, and productive.

💡Listening

Listening is presented in the video as a vital component of assertive communication. It involves fully engaging with what the other person is saying by maintaining eye contact, asking relevant questions, and demonstrating patience. The video emphasizes that good listening fosters mutual respect and allows for a more effective exchange of ideas, reducing the likelihood of conflict.

💡Control

Control in the context of communication refers to the desire to influence or dominate the outcome of a conversation. The video explains that both aggressive and passive-aggressive communication often stem from a need to control, either by dominating others or by feeling out of control. Assertive communication, on the other hand, focuses on controlling one’s own behavior rather than the other person’s response.

Highlights

Assertive communication is direct and respectful, rooted in mutual respect.

Passive communication involves avoiding self-expression, leading to unmet needs.

Aggressive communication is about blaming and dominating, with pushy tactics like finger-pointing and interrupting.

Passive-aggressive communication hides feelings and lets frustration simmer beneath the surface.

Assertive communicators use 'I' language, which focuses on their own perspective rather than blaming others.

Passive communication leads to a pattern of others dominating, often driven by fear or lack of confidence.

Aggressive communication disrupts conversations with emotional noise, making it hard for people to listen.

Passive-aggressive people might gossip or make sarcastic comments instead of addressing issues directly.

Prepare and practice assertive communication to ensure it remains composed and clear.

When you are calm and prepared, your assertiveness is more genuine and respectful.

Say what needs to be said directly without trying to control the other person's response.

Use 'I' language to help the conversation feel collaborative instead of combative.

Good listening helps build mutual respect and opens space for the other person to express themselves.

Listening patiently allows time to collect your thoughts and respond without escalating emotions.

Avoid sneaking blame into your message by fully committing to 'I' language when communicating.

Transcripts

- We're going to talk about how to communicate assertively.

This is a huge challenge for many people,

and I've gotten a lot of requests for this topic

over the years.

In the first part of the video,

I'll compare and contrast assertive communication

with some of the other types.

And in the second part

I'll give you four tips to communicate more assertively.

Be sure to download my free PDF

that'll give you the five essential communication skills

that all professionals should have.

I'll put a link to that in the description below the video.

So let's compare assertive communication

to other types to get a better handle

on how this fits in.

First many people communicate passively.

That's the first type we'll talk about.

This means they essentially avoid expressing themselves.

They have something that's on their mind,

but they don't say it.

And the trouble with this is

that other people cannot read our minds.

And that means there's a very low likelihood

that we're going to get our needs met.

If we don't talk clearly

about what they are in the first place.

A passive communicator is likely to quietly accept

other people's positions.

They'll say to themselves

well I'll just let the other person have their way.

But over time it becomes a pattern.

Driving forces behind passive communication

could be fear, a desire to avoid conflict,

or just a lack of confidence to speak up.

Next aggressive communication is dominating.

People who communicate aggressively,

do a lot of blaming, attacking, and finger pointing.

They'll say things like it's all your fault,

or you're an awful person.

They're really pushy with their views.

And they want to be in control of the situation.

I used to work with a really aggressive communicator.

These lots of you language,

and they escalated conversations.

You, you, you.

This person would cut people off in mid sentence,

used a frustrated or angry tone.

They waved their arms all over the place

as they talked.

They had a collection of tactics

They used to dominate other people.

That brings us to assertive communication,

which is direct and respectful.

A driving force behind this is the value of mutual respect.

That's the theme.

The assertive communicator is going to say

what's on their mind really clearly,

but they also respect the opinions of others.

Assertive communication means you state your preference,

but you're not attempting to silence or control others.

Instead of you language like aggressive communicators,

assertive communicators, use what we call I language.

So instead of saying you are causing the delay,

they say I'm concerned about the delay.

In other words, they own their perspective.

We'll talk more about how to communicate assertively

in a couple of moments.

The last type is passive aggressive,

which means the communicator doesn't speak up directly

about their feelings.

They let their anger and aggressiveness simmer

just below the boiling point.

And then they let it out in strange ways,

or maybe act like the victim who has no agency

as they express themselves.

I used to work with a passive aggressive communicator.

This person didn't speak up much,

but when they did,

there was usually something a little sideways

about the way they talked.

They used sarcastic comments.

They grumbled to themselves in meetings.

But if you ask them directly,

did you want to add your point of view?

They'd say no, that's fine, I'm good.

But you could tell from their tone, they weren't fine.

Passive aggressive communicators

don't come right out with their aggressiveness.

They let it leak out.

I've also noticed they sometimes gossip

or talk behind your back,

or try to communicate through through somebody else

instead of speaking to you directly.

The question is why then is assertive communication

the best approach for you?

Well, it's the best approach

because in contrast,

if you are aggressive or passive aggressive,

people will be distracted by how you express yourself,

and they won't be able to hear what's really beneath it.

You're giving them two jobs essentially.

You're asking them to hear you,

but you're making it difficult for them to do that

because you're also giving them

an unhelpful communication style to react to.

Assertive communication communicates clearly

and respectfully, but without the emotional noise.

And that means your message is more likely

to hit its mark.

Assertive communicators are more likely

in the end to be heard.

So question for you.

Do any of these four approaches sound like you?

Feel free to post a comment about that below.

Now let's get to some tips

on how to communicate more a assertively.

I recommend that you prepare your assertive message

in advance and practice it a few times

to make sure you're ready.

So let's look at these four tips

to communicate more assertively.

First make sure that you are genuinely calm

and under control before you start the conversation.

If you still have any negative emotions simmering

beneath the surface,

they will leak through if you rush it.

One way to make sure you're calm enough

is to sleep on it and wait another 24 hours.

I often have a good night's sleep right before

an important in conversation.

And it really does help me stay composed.

I have never regretted waiting another 24 hours to talk.

Another tip to make sure that you are genuinely composed

is to draft out your message a few times.

I do this, I draft it out.

I read it out loud in privately,

and then I put it aside for a while.

I get some distance and then I come back and revise it

to take like any remaining emotional edges off it.

And then I practice it again.

I sometimes revise a message three or four times

to take all of the sting out of it

until I feel like I'm ready to say what needs to be said

in a composed way that's genuine.

These revisions help me boil down the message

all the way to its essence as well.

So it's really clear, concise,

and doesn't have anything left

that might escalate my own emotions

as I express myself.

I don't always take my written talking points

into a conversation,

but I at least have them in my head by then.

And you'll know you're ready

when your composure feels sincere.

Second, say what needs to be said

as directly and respectfully as possible.

One key tip for saying this respectfully

is to focus on your part of the conversation,

your message.

Don't attempt to control the outcome

or control what the other person does

as a result of what you've said.

Don't play that conversational chess game

in your head before the interaction.

There's a funny scene from the show The Office.

Andy comes back to work from an anger management workshop

because he had punched a hole in the wall,

and Jim immediately tries to make Andy angry again.

But Andy stays calm by repeating

what they taught him in the workshop.

He says out loud, I can't control what you do.

I can only control what I do.

And there's wisdom in this.

Control has a lot to do with our communication problems.

Aggressive communication attempts to control others.

Passive aggressive communication is

at least in part about feeling out of control.

So if you can let go of a desire to control the situation,

it's very liberating.

And you can just say what you need to for your part.

And once you've expressed yourself directly

and respectfully, you've done most of your job here.

You also then respect the other person's right

to have their own point of view,

and give them space to talk about it.

Third use I language.

Let's expand on what we said earlier about this.

I language literally means

focusing on your thoughts and feelings

by phrasing your point of view with the word I,

instead of you.

I language doesn't solve every problem,

but it's one really helpful tool

to start conversations on the right foot.

Instead of saying you're giving me too much work,

you would say I'm feeling overwhelmed

by the amount of work I have.

Instead of you're ignoring my concerns,

say I'm not feeling my concerns are being heard yet.

I language allows the other person to hear your concern

without feeling like they have to defend themselves.

It positions the other person

as a potentially helpful person

who can then take a step towards you

rather than positioning them as a potential enemy.

When I teach I language,

lots of people struggle with this.

They start with "I," but then they sneak a "you" in there.

They'll say things like I feel like YOU are ignoring me,

or I'm concerned that YOU

are going to make us miss our deadline.

They still want to sneak a bit of blame into the message.

If this sounds like how you might approach this,

I recommend revising the message

a little more with I language

and make sure that you're not trying

to sneak any You language in there at all.

Fourth, be a good listener.

Once you've said your piece, hear them out;

let them tell their story.

This means all the basic things that we expect

with good listening

like maintaining eye contact act when you listen.

And when you talk.

Maintain supportive, comfortable facial expressions

as you listen.

It means asking relevant questions

with a genuine motivation to understand

where they're coming from.

Good listening provides enough conversational space

to let them say what's on their mind.

Good listening demonstrates that theme

of mutual respect that we've been talking about.

Another benefit is they are more likely to reciprocate

and attempt to listen well to you.

Listening well is not just professional.

It's also classy.

It communicates honor and respect.

And remember you can't control them

or make them listen to you,

but you can set the right tone

by being a good listener and leading by example.

Listening patiently is also important.

Sometimes you'll hear something

and you'll be tempted to immediately jump in

with your reaction.

It's a much better idea to listen carefully,

ask a few questions to make sure you fully understand

the other person before you react.

That'll also give you a moment

to make sure that your response is assertive,

but not aggressive.

Listening for a little while longer

gives you time to digest their point,

and collect your own thoughts

so that you can then express yourself in a helpful way.

As mentioned, feel free to download that free PDF

where I show you the five essential communication skills

that all professionals should have.

Links to that are in the expandable description below.

Question for you,

how would you rate your own assertive communication skills?

Are you assertive,

or do you lean maybe toward passive, aggressive,

or maybe passive aggressive?

I'd love to hear your own self assessment below.

Until next time,

thanks, God bless,

and I will see you soon.