Avoidants Secretly Hope You Do THIS When They Stonewall
Summary
TLDRThis video delves into the concept of stonewalling, a behavior often seen in individuals with avoidant attachment styles. It explains how avoidants use stonewalling as a defense mechanism when they feel their independence is threatened, rooted in childhood experiences of emotional neglect. The video explores the triggers that lead to stonewalling and emphasizes the importance of patience, empathy, and gradual change in fostering communication. By understanding and responding to avoidants' hidden desires and fears, a secure attachment can eventually replace the insecure one, leading to healthier relationships.
Takeaways
- 🧱 Avoidants use stonewalling as a defense mechanism when they feel overwhelmed or their independence is threatened.
- 🚪 Avoidants hold secret hopes that their partners will open certain 'doors' to address their core wounds.
- ⚡ The threshold for triggering stonewalling varies among avoidants, depending on how aggressive a partner is in pursuing commitment.
- 🌊 Avoidants often grew up in environments where they had to rely on themselves, resulting in the self-soothing behavior of stonewalling.
- 💔 Stonewalling is not about a lack of desire for commitment—avoidants actually do want connection but fear it due to their core wound.
- 🐸 The boiling frog metaphor illustrates that avoidants are more likely to respond negatively to sudden changes rather than gradual shifts.
- 📚 Avoidants are often drawn to anxious partners, creating a destructive push-pull dynamic, as seen in 'Wuthering Heights.'
- 🔄 Attachment styles are fluid and can change over time with different relationships, personal growth, and secure interactions.
- 🧠 Secure responses involve giving avoidants space when they pull back, rather than attempting to solve the issue immediately.
- 🎯 Tactical empathy, understanding and vocalizing an avoidant's fears, is key to breaking down their emotional barriers and opening communication.
Q & A
What is stonewalling, according to the script?
-Stonewalling is when someone withdraws from an interaction, shuts down, and closes themselves off because they feel overwhelmed or physiologically flooded.
What triggers stonewalling in avoidant individuals?
-Stonewalling is typically triggered when avoidant individuals feel their independence is being threatened, such as when they are asked to commit to deeper levels of a relationship (e.g., going on a date, marriage, or having children).
How does the 'core wound' concept explain avoidant behavior?
-The core wound of avoidants is a deep-seated desire to maintain their independence. When they feel this independence is threatened, they respond with stonewalling as a defense mechanism.
What is the significance of early childhood in the development of avoidant attachment?
-Avoidant attachment often develops from early childhood experiences where the caregiver failed to provide consistent safety and emotional regulation. This leads the child to develop self-reliance as a coping strategy, which later manifests as avoidance in adulthood.
Why is the 'boiling frog' metaphor used in the context of avoidant behavior?
-The 'boiling frog' metaphor illustrates how avoidants react to sudden, intense changes but may not notice or respond as dramatically to gradual changes. It's used to explain why avoidants can handle slow progress in a relationship but react defensively to rapid shifts.
Do avoidants actually desire commitment?
-Yes, avoidants do want connection and commitment, but their core wound and fear of losing independence cause them to push people away. They use stonewalling as a defense mechanism, though deep down they seek intimacy.
How does the anxious-avoidant dynamic mirror the relationship between Heathcliff and Catherine in 'Wuthering Heights'?
-Heathcliff represents an anxious attachment style, constantly seeking reassurance and fearing abandonment, while Catherine is an avoidant, maintaining emotional distance. Their dynamic showcases the destructive push-pull tension common between anxious and avoidant partners.
Can attachment styles change over time?
-Yes, attachment styles are fluid. Relationships, experiences, and personal growth can lead insecure attachment styles (e.g., anxious or avoidant) to become more secure over time, especially when interacting with secure partners.
What is the 'Space Formula' used for when dealing with stonewalling?
-The 'Space Formula' helps determine how much space to give an avoidant based on factors like the severity of stonewalling, past patterns, their comfort level with space, communication attempts, and the emotional climate.
What is tactical empathy, and how can it be applied to avoidants?
-Tactical empathy is recognizing and vocalizing another person's perspective, allowing for better communication. In dealing with avoidants, it involves acknowledging their fears and concerns in a respectful way, which can help create a safe environment for dialogue.
Outlines
🔒 Understanding Avoidant Stonewalling: A Deeper Dive
The speaker explains the concept of stonewalling in avoidant individuals, emphasizing how it’s often triggered when avoidants feel their independence is threatened. Stonewalling is misunderstood, as many believe it's about emotional withdrawal, but it actually stems from deep-seated fears related to independence. Trigger points, such as relationship milestones, can vary between avoidants. These behaviors originate from early childhood attachment issues where avoidants learn to rely on themselves for emotional regulation, leading to lifelong habits like stonewalling.
🐸 The Boiling Frog Parable: Gradual vs. Sudden Change for Avoidants
Using the boiling frog metaphor, the speaker illustrates how avoidants respond to gradual versus sudden changes in a relationship. Avoidants might react quickly to sudden demands for commitment, but gradual progression often goes unnoticed. Despite stonewalling, avoidants do desire connection and commitment, though their instinct is to self-soothe. The key is to approach these individuals with patience and gradual communication rather than pushing for immediate solutions, aligning with Dr. John Gottman's concept of focusing on dialogue instead of conflict resolution.
❤️ Heathcliff and Catherine: The Anxious-Avoidant Trap
The speaker compares avoidants to Catherine and anxious individuals to Heathcliff from 'Wuthering Heights.' The dynamic between anxious and avoidant attachment styles creates a destructive cycle where one person pursues (anxious) while the other retreats (avoidant). Catherine’s emotional distance stems from her fear of societal judgment and desire for independence, while Heathcliff's emotional dependence drives his obsessive behavior. This toxic push-pull is a common issue in anxious-avoidant pairings, highlighting the challenges of attachment styles and their fluidity.
🧠 Secure Attachment: The Key to Handling Avoidant Stonewalling
The speaker introduces the idea that attachment styles are fluid, explaining that insecure attachments can evolve into secure ones through relationships. The anxious response to stonewalling is often to pursue, but a secure individual would pull back and give space. Using the 'KISS method' (Keep it Simple), they recommend mirroring a secure attachment by responding to stonewalling with space, not immediate problem-solving. The speaker also presents the 'SPACE formula,' a detailed method to calculate the amount of space to give an avoidant individual based on various factors.
🗣️ Tactical Empathy: Breaking Down Avoidant Walls
The speaker introduces tactical empathy, a concept from hostage negotiator Chris Voss. By labeling and acknowledging the avoidant’s emotions—like their fear of losing independence—you can build rapport and break down their emotional defenses. Instead of confronting stonewalling head-on, the approach involves using empathy to validate the avoidant's feelings, making them feel understood. This gradual, respectful acknowledgment of their concerns creates a foundation for healthier communication and a deeper connection, paving the way for long-term change.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Stonewalling
💡Avoidant Attachment
💡Core Wound
💡Trigger Points
💡Choppy Waters
💡Boiling Frog Metaphor
💡Tactical Empathy
💡Labeling
💡Secure Attachment
💡Dreams within Conflict Approach
Highlights
Stonewalling is a common response for avoidants when they feel overwhelmed or their independence is threatened.
Avoidants often hold secret hopes behind their stonewalling, expecting certain responses that people typically miss.
Every avoidant has a unique threshold for when they engage in stonewalling, which varies depending on their past experiences and triggers.
Attachment theory plays a key role: stonewalling is rooted in deep-seated attachment wounds formed during early childhood, often due to inconsistent caregiving.
Avoidants often develop self-soothing habits from childhood, which carry into adulthood and manifest as stonewalling.
Triggers for stonewalling range from simple requests, like going on a date, to larger commitments such as buying a house or having children.
Avoidants do want commitment and connection, despite their stonewalling behavior, which is a defense mechanism to maintain emotional control.
Sudden changes are more likely to trigger stonewalling than gradual, incremental changes.
Anxious partners often intensify the dynamic of stonewalling by constantly seeking reassurance, leading to a destructive relationship cycle.
Avoidants are frequently drawn to anxious partners, as seen in the classic dynamic of Heathcliff and Catherine from 'Wuthering Heights.'
Attachment styles are fluid, and relationships have the potential to shift insecure attachments into secure ones through dialogue and emotional understanding.
The key to managing an avoidant's stonewalling is to respond like a secure attachment, providing space when needed but also maintaining communication.
The 'space formula' can help determine how much space to give an avoidant based on the severity of the stonewalling and past behaviors.
Tactical empathy, a concept used in hostage negotiation, is an effective way to communicate with an avoidant and open channels for dialogue.
By acknowledging an avoidant’s hidden feelings calmly and respectfully, their defenses can lower, creating a space for gradual change and connection.
Transcripts
something insane is happening right now
there's this thing that avoidance do
called stonewalling and everyone seems
to disagree on how to handle it but
they're missing the point because deep
inside almost all avoidance hold a
series of secret hopes think of these
like doors they're hoping you open in
response to their stonewalling and
you're not going to believe what's
behind them but let's back up first
there's a fundamental misunderstanding
that people have about stonewalling and
it's not the definition pretty much
everyone agrees that stonewalling is
about someone withdrawing from an
interaction shutting down and closing
themselves off because they are feeling
overwhelmed or physiologically flooded
but what people seem to miss out on is
what actually triggers the stonewalling
and there is Nuance to this but to
understand that Nuance we need to open
the first door and look at what's behind
it a deeper understanding of their core
wound all right to be honest with you
I've talked about the core wound concept
hundreds of times on this YouTube
channel but that's that's not the
interesting part here yes all avoidance
Harbor a deep-seated desire to maintain
their independence this is their core
wound and generally what happens is when
they enter a situation when they feel
their independence is being threatened
well that's what ultimately causes them
to engage in stonewalling like Behavior
so what do these situations look like
well it can range from you asking them
to go on a date you asking them for a
romantic relationship introducing them
to your parents going ring shopping
getting married buying a house together
having children this is a list of what I
like to call trigger points now here's
where that Nuance comes into play why is
it that some avoidance are okay until
you get to about here while other
avoidants get triggered let's say here
every single avoidant has a different
threshold for when they get triggered
and that tells me something there's a
difference between memorizing a fact and
actually understanding it here's the
Nuance a few months ago I had the
pleasure of interviewing Erica Kazar
she's a licensed clinical social worker
who's done a lot of work studying how
attachments are formed in early
childhood to a lot of stress very early
by separating this incredibly vulnerable
fragile little person from the their
go-to person in the world who makes them
feel safe so Safety and Security isn't
internalized till about the age of three
at about the age of three 85% of our
right brain is developed that is the
part of our brain that makes us feel
safe no matter what is going on in our
life it helps us to manage stress it
helps us to manage our emotions so
emotional regulation isn't internalized
till after the age of three and only if
a mother or primary attachment figure
regulates that baby's emotions from
moment to moment in that first three
years but the thing that really stuck
out to me about my interview with her
was her analogy about the ocean babies
are
born uh it's like being on a sailboat in
the Atlantic what mothers do is they
bring babies back to the Caribbean it's
not this because that would be strange
and depressed it's like this all right
so someone with an avoidant attachment
style has likely never experienced calm
Caribbean Waters they're used to these
insanely choppy Waters and from a young
age since they couldn't rely on their
caregivers to bring them to the
Caribbean they've come up with their own
coping strategies and it's likely that
the most common coping strategy that
they've come up with is that they've had
to learn to rely on themselves I know
the hate for avoidance out there is real
one look at the comment section of one
of my YouTube videos proves that and I'm
not excusing their behavior yes they
need help but let's walk a mile in their
shoes for a moment you're in avoidant
you're traveling these treacherous
choppy Waters and the only way you've
learned to navigate them is by learning
not to rely on others but to self soothe
and you practice this Behavior
repeatedly until it becomes an ingrained
habit that carries all the way from
childhood to adulthood manifesting as
you guest it stonewalling so now that we
have a deeper understanding of the core
wound let's go back and look look at
those trigger points again now like I
said every single avoidant has a
different threshold before they engage
in stonewalling like behavior and I
think that threshold will depend on when
they consider the waters to start
getting treacherous generally the choppy
Waters will be dictated by how
aggressive the avoidance partner is in
pursuing a deeper commitment the less
aggressive and more patient the less
likely the core wound is to get
triggered but I'm getting ahead of
myself here we're going to have to peek
behind door number number two now of an
avoidance secret desires an evil Chef
steals a frog from a peaceful Pond he
has a restaurant to run and frog stew is
his most popular dish he decides he's
going to boil this frog so he fills up a
cooking pot with water cranks up the
heat to Max and drops the frog in
there's just one problem the boiling
water is so hot that upon entering the
cooking pot the Frog jumps out so the
chef tries a different approach he fills
the pot up with cold water and drops the
frog in and the Frog is fine with that
slowly but surely though the chef turns
the heat up the temperature in the
cooking pot slowly Rises the frog
doesn't notice a few minutes go by the
cooking Potter is hotter now the frog
doesn't notice a few more minutes go by
and pretty soon the frog has boiled
alive none the wiser frog stew for
everyone un un fortunately this Parable
isn't scientifically true no matter what
a frog is going to detect the boiling
water and jump out of the pot but it
does give us an amazing metaphor to help
us understand why avoidance react
quickly to Sudden Change but not gradual
changes let's go back to that silly
trigger point graphic now the answer to
why some avoidance react with
stonewalling here as opposed to here
might simply be that they detected the
boiling water but do avoidant want to
get cooked do they want a commitment
well yeah they actually do everyone
always looks at the negative aspects of
stonewalling the natural assumption is
that if an avoidant stonewalls they want
nothing to do with you but that's
actually not true with a deeper
understanding of how their core wound
actually operates it's clear that
stonewalling is nothing more than a
defense mechanism they use to self sooth
whether they are aware of it or not it's
their way of handling perceived choppy
water but at their core they do want
connection they do want commitment it's
just they don't let anyone close enough
to give it to them but perhaps the way
to approach it is with that boiling frog
mentality this is Dr John godman many
consider him to be the dominant
Authority on marriage stability I really
like what he had to say about unsolvable
problems like stonewalling and our
experience is that 86% of couples who
attend this workshop with this dreams
within conflict approach are able to
come to a much deeper understanding and
remember the goal is not solving the
conflict it's dialogue so that you're no
longer gridlock but you can talk about
this and you can have a sense of humor
about it and you can be affectionate
with one another and creative too many
people look for solutions to
stonewalling how do I get my avoidant
partner my avoidant friend my avoidant
parent to stop stonewalling me but that
approach isn't really the right way to
boil the frog gotman is right the goal
shouldn't be to make an avoidant stop
stonewalling that's not what the
avoidant wants you're not going to undo
a lifetimes worth of embedded practice
instead the goal should be about
creating an environment where the
avoidant feels safe and understood
allowing for gradual change it's about
opening channels of communication
without forcing immediate solution now
the million-dollar question of course is
well how do you do that well let's look
behind the next door have you ever read
Emily bronte's withering Heights the
novel follows a complex relationship
between two characters heathcliffe and
Catherine now throughout their story
their relationship is passionate toxic
and ultimately destructive yet despite
it all they are inexorably drawn to each
other like magnets withering Heights
perfectly illustrates one of the main
challenges that I see see with avoidance
they're almost always drawn to anxious
partners and that's a problem because
this pairing together is naturally
destructive let's go back to heathcliffe
and Catherine so heathcliffe is someone
who I would describe as having an
anxious attachment throughout the story
he exhibits an intense emotional
dependence on Catherine often displaying
obsessive Tendencies his need for her
approval in love drives much of his
behavior heathcliff's fear of
Abandonment is evid in his reactions to
Catherine's decisions and actions
particularly when she chooses to marry
Edgar Linton his intense jealousy and
vengefulness stem from this deep-seated
fear oh God it is unutterable I cannot
live without my life I cannot live
without my soul now throughout the novel
there are multiple instances where
heathcliffe is needing constant
reassurance of Catherine's love and
loyalty even when it manifests in
unhealthy and destructive ways
and then of course we have Catherine
someone who is a clear avoidant
attachment she often maintains an
emotional distance from Heathcliff
particularly when societal expectations
and her desire for social status come
into play her decision to marry Edgar
Linton despite her deep connection with
heathcliffe highlights this avoidance
she also struggles with the intimacy
that her relationship with Heathcliff
demands her need to be seen as proper
and her fear of societal judgment create
a barrier between them now it's also
notable that Catherine's desire to be
independent and maintain control over
her life often leads her to push
Heathcliff away even though she
acknowledges their deep bond she's got
this famous line in the book whatever
our souls are made of his and mine are
the same and to me this indicates an
awareness of their connection but her
actions often contradict this
understanding now this entire Dynamic
really showcases the pushpull between
the anxious and avoidant pairing you've
got heathcliff's Pursuit and Catherine's
Retreat essentially creating a cycle of
passion and pain that defines their
relationship something needs to change
about 3 years ago I was conversing with
Tara Spears a marriage and family
therapist I wanted her to audit some of
the things that I had written on my
website to ensure that the way I had
attachment theory conceptualized was
accurate she gave a great critique of my
work via email attachment styles are
formed in relationships maintained in
relationships and reformed in
relationships one does not change their
attachment Style on their own you see
the most amazing part about attachment
theory that I've fallen in love with is
the thing no one really talks about the
fact that it's fluid just because
Catherine is avoidant or Heathcliff is
anxious doesn't mean they'll always be
that way other relationships experience
es personal growth can theoretically
contribute to turn an insecure
attachment into a secure one you've got
three potential insecure attachment
Styles anxious fearful avoidant now
pretty much anytime these insecure
attachments interact with one another
it's a disaster yet when any of these
three insecure attachments interact with
a secure attachment there's a real
chance that insecure attachment can
slowly become more secure it's sort of
like this battle plays out the insecure
attachment collides with the secure one
and a battle of wills Begins the
insecure one starts to become more
secure or the secure one starts to
become more insecure and that's really
my core belief for how to handle an
avoidant who stone walls it's about
asking yourself how would a secure
individual respond and to answer that
well we have to look behind the final
door I'm a big believer in the kiss
method keep it simple stupid stupid
here's the Mantra I tend to give to my
clients when they pull back you pull
back someone who is stonewalling you is
telling you with that action that they
aren't interested in solving a problem
or talking right now the anxious
response to that is to try to fix the
problem right away it's to do the
opposite of pulling back the secure
response is to give them space after all
you have better things to do with your
time remember our goal isn't necessarily
to fix fix or cure the avoidant right
away it's just to get to a place where
there can be a dialogue and once that
dialogue is established then you boil
your frog then the secure attachment
starts winning the battle over the
insecure one the stonewalling becomes
less and less frequent but there is such
a thing as giving an avoidant too much
space as this lovely comment pointed out
it's been 2 months since I've heard from
him that is painful indeed it is so how
much space is too much space well I
suppose you could always use the space
formula which stands for S the severity
of stonewalling P the previous patterns
a the avoidance Comfort level C
communication attempts in E emotional
climate now basically how an avoidant
responds during each of these phases
tells you how much space you should be
giving them it's a formula that works
together for example with the severity
of stonewalling if it's m you usually
want to wait 1 to 2 days if it's
moderate 3 to 5 days if it's severe a
week or more you also want to account
for their previous patterns if the stone
Walling has been frequent you usually
want to add one to two days if it's rare
subtract one or two days if the
avoidance Comfort level is low then
subtract a day if it's moderate well
there should be no change or if it's a
high need for space add a day if in your
communication attempts there's been an
immediate response subtract one day if
there's a delayed response there should
be no change and if there's no response
add one day and if the emotional climate
is calm and understanding subtract a day
if it's neutral no change and if it's
tense or confrontational at a day but
let's do an example calculation here
let's say the severity of stonewalling
has been moderate so let's say our
Baseline is 4 days let's say the
previous patterns has been pretty
frequent stonewalling so you're going to
want to add two days let's also say your
avoidance Comfort level they need a a
lot of space let's just put it that way
at a day let's say there's been no
response when you've tried to
communicate with them at a day and the
emotional climate is neutral which is
zero days so the ideal space you should
give that avoidant is 8 days but here's
where it gets tricky and here's where
everyone messes up after giving the
avoidance space you need to start
bonding with them but you need to start
bonding with them in a very unique way
this is Chris Voss before he retired he
used to be the lead International
kidnapping negotiator for the Federal
Bureau of Investigation as well as the
FBI's hostage negotiation representative
for the National Security Council of
Hostage working group he wrote this book
never split the difference on page 51 he
writes empathy is the ability to
recognize the perspective of a
counterpart and the vocalization of that
recognition a few passages later he
writes One Step Beyond that is tactical
empathy it is understanding the feelings
and mindset of another in the moment and
also hearing what is behind those
feelings so you increase your influence
in all the moments that follow or as
Voss so lovingly says it's emotional
intelligence on steroids so Voss coins
this term tactical empathy and uses it
in the field to great effect he also
coins this term called labeling Voss is
on the 27th floor of a building in
Harlem standing outside of a locked door
with Three Fugitives now internally VOS
knows two things about these fugitives
they don't want to get killed and they
don't want to go to jail so Vos decides
he's going to employ a little tactical
empathy in the sweltering apartment
building hallway he simply talks to the
fugitives locked behind the door saying
the same thing over and over again it
seems like you worry that if you open
the door we'll come in with guns blazing
it looks like you don't want to go back
to jail in the book Voss goes on to
write we didn't just put ourselves in
the fugitive's shoes we spotted their
feelings turned them into words and then
very calmly and respectfully repeated
their emotions back to them the result
well after 6 hours of doing that the
fugitives simply open the door and turn
themselves in that is the power of
tactical empathy and that is the power
of labeling your counterparts emotions
and reciting it back to them it's like a
magic trick like you can read someone's
mind like you understand them better
than anyone now imagine applying this
concept to your avoidant you use
tactical empathy and labeling to
understand their surface level concerns
like the fact that they're worried about
losing their independence for instance
you might say I'm not sure we should
spend too much time together I don't
want to overcrowd you now by calmly and
respectfully acknowledging these hidden
feelings that avoidance have you stand
out from the crowd you essentially
create a space where they feel more
understood less t
their walls begin to crumble and that my
friends is the perfect foundation for
boiling a frog
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