Is Dating Today Really “Impossible”?
Summary
TLDRIn this video, Matthew Hussey discusses the challenges of modern dating and suggests that many people approach it incorrectly. He criticizes the 'race to the bottom' in dating efforts and the tendency to be aloof to appear rare and valuable. Instead, he encourages being 'rare by being awesome', expressing oneself authentically to create value and invite reciprocity. Hussey emphasizes the importance of personal leadership in dating, being proactive rather than reactive, and creating an environment where both parties can be their best selves.
Takeaways
- 😔 Dating can feel difficult due to societal pressures and the 'race to the bottom' in terms of effort, where people avoid vulnerability.
- 🧐 The belief that being aloof and distant can make one appear rare or valuable is counterproductive in dating.
- 🌟 Being 'rare by being awesome' involves expressing one's true self, showing humor, playfulness, and interest in others.
- 🚫 The danger of being too awesome is that it might be mistaken for availability, causing others to take you for granted.
- 🔑 The principle of reciprocity suggests that giving first can lead to receiving in return, which is often lacking in modern dating.
- 🙅♂️ A follower mindset in dating, waiting for others to make the first move, can prevent the creation of a positive, engaging dynamic.
- 💡 Personal leadership in dating involves taking initiative to create an impact and set the tone for interactions.
- 🤝 The energy and attitude you bring can influence and potentially change the behavior of your dating partners.
- 💌 Small acts of bravery in communication, like sending a flirtatious text, can significantly alter the dynamic of a dating relationship.
- 😃 Making others feel brave and like a better version of themselves can increase your attractiveness and the enjoyment of being around you.
- 👋 Leaving the follower mode and embracing leadership in dating can make the process more enjoyable and successful.
Q & A
What is the main challenge people face in dating today according to Matthew Hussey?
-Matthew Hussey suggests that dating today feels difficult because of a 'Race To The Bottom' in terms of effort, where people compete to appear aloof and not vulnerable, which paradoxically makes them less unique and more like everyone else.
What does Matthew Hussey believe is the cultural issue affecting dating?
-He thinks there's a cultural issue where people are playing a game of being aloof to seem rare and valuable, which actually makes them blend in and become invisible in the dating scene.
How does Matthew Hussey define 'being rare by being awesome'?
-He defines it as the ability to truly express oneself, show a sense of humor, be playful, fun, flirtatious, and curious about someone, which creates value for someone else.
What is the principle of reciprocity that Matthew Hussey talks about?
-The principle of reciprocity is the idea that if we give first, we are much more likely to receive the same thing from someone else, which is a powerful concept in dating.
Why does Matthew Hussey think dating is seen as hard?
-He believes dating is seen as hard because people are approaching it all wrong, often expecting others to make them feel comfortable or safe before they reciprocate with vulnerability or playfulness.
What does Matthew Hussey mean by 'leadership in dating'?
-He means taking personal responsibility to create an impact and energy in dating situations, rather than following or waiting for someone else to lead.
What is the 'follower mindset' Matthew Hussey warns against in dating?
-The 'follower mindset' is a passive approach to dating where individuals wait for others to evoke their best qualities before they reciprocate, which can lead to missed opportunities and a lack of genuine connection.
How does Matthew Hussey suggest people should approach post-date communication?
-He suggests being warm, affectionate, and expressing genuine enjoyment from the date, such as sending a message the next day saying you're still smiling from the date.
What is the role of bravery in dating according to Matthew Hussey?
-Bravery plays a role in dating by allowing individuals to be more of themselves upfront, which can make others feel braver and more likely to express their true selves in return.
How does Matthew Hussey recommend using Matthew AI?
-He recommends using Matthew AI to ask questions about dating, get insights on what messages mean, or seek advice on what to say next in a dating scenario.
Outlines
😔 The Perceived Difficulty of Dating
The speaker, Matthew Hussey, begins by addressing the common sentiment that dating is extremely challenging today. He acknowledges the difficulties but refutes the notion that it's impossible. Instead, he focuses on understanding why it's hard for many and suggests ways to improve the dating experience. Hussey introduces himself as an author and relationship expert with 17 years of experience helping people find love and increase their self-confidence. He emphasizes the importance of not playing 'hard to get' or being aloof, which he argues is a common but ineffective dating strategy. He suggests that being genuinely expressive and awesome is a better way to stand out and attract a partner.
🌞 The Power of Being 'Awesome'
Matthew Hussey discusses two contrasting approaches to dating: being aloof to appear rare versus being genuinely awesome. He argues that playing hard to get can make one invisible and indistinguishable from others doing the same. Instead, he advocates for being expressive, playful, and flirtatious to create value and stand out. However, he warns of the potential downside of being perceived as too available, which might lead to being taken for granted. He introduces the concept of 'leadership' in dating, suggesting that taking initiative and creating a positive, engaging atmosphere can lead to more rewarding interactions.
🤝 The Principle of Reciprocity in Dating
Hussey introduces the principle of reciprocity, suggesting that giving energy and positivity first can encourage the same in return. He criticizes the common dating approach of expecting others to make one feel comfortable or safe before reciprocating. He encourages taking a leadership role in dating by setting the tone and creating an environment that invites positive interaction. He shares examples from his own life and experiences, such as how his organization's culture of affection can influence and change people's behavior, making them more open and affectionate.
💡 Leading to Evoke the Best in Others
Matthew Hussey emphasizes the importance of leading in dating to bring out the best in potential partners. He suggests that by being playful, warm, and flirtatious, one can inspire similar behavior in others. He provides examples of how to respond to common, dull conversation starters in a way that can energize and deepen the interaction. Hussey also discusses the idea of not just accepting dull or uninteresting behavior in a dating context but instead trying to elevate it through one's own energy and leadership.
📲 The Impact of Positive Communication
In the final paragraph, Hussey talks about the power of positive communication in dating. He gives examples of messages that can convey attraction and warmth, suggesting that such communication can clarify and enhance the budding romantic connection. He also mentions his AI tool, Matthew AI, which can help people navigate dating questions and scenarios. Hussey encourages viewers to try the tool and to shift from a passive dating approach to a more active, leading one, arguing that this can make dating more enjoyable and successful.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Dating
💡Aloof
💡Authenticity
💡Reciprocity
💡Leadership
💡Vulnerability
💡Availability
💡Flirtatious
💡Investment
💡Follower Mode
💡Matthew AI
Highlights
Dating can feel difficult due to various challenges, but it's not impossible.
There's a cultural trend of being aloof to appear rare and valuable in dating.
Being aloof can make individuals invisible and similar to others playing the same game.
Being awesome and expressing oneself authentically can create more value in dating.
There's a risk of being perceived as too available when showing one's awesome side.
The principle of reciprocity suggests giving first to receive in dating.
Many people expect others to evoke their best qualities before they reciprocate.
Leadership in dating involves creating an impact and not just following.
By leading with energy, one can bring out more of who people really are.
It's important to maintain standards and not give energy to those who don't reciprocate.
People may write off potential partners when they're in a follower mode.
Being more of oneself up front can bring out more in others and increase one's attractiveness.
Vulnerability in dating is not necessarily negative; it can be a form of bravery.
Making others feel brave around you can increase the pool of people you attract.
Leading in dating can change the dynamic and bring out more in potential partners.
Matthew Hussey suggests using Matthew AI for advice on dating questions and scenarios.
Dating should not be approached with the idea that it's impossible; leadership can change outcomes.
Transcripts
why is it that dating today can feel
nearly impossible for so many people
much has been said on the topic of how
hard dating is today I am probably in
the camp of people that accepts that
there are some very challenging things
about it but I choose not to live in
this idea that it is impossible instead
I look at why it is that for so many
people it's so difficult and what we can
do to have a very different experience
of it ourselves if you're new to to this
channel I Matthew hussy the author of
the brand new New York Times bestselling
book love life and for the last 17 years
of my life I have been helping people
find the love they want while increasing
their confidence and their love for
themselves along the way don't forget to
like this video subscribe to the channel
and hit the notification Bell so that
you get notified the next time a video
comes out today is an important topic
because I believe so many of us have
been going about dating all wrong and
one of the things I think is going on
culturally for so many people right now
is that there's this kind of Race To The
Bottom in terms of effort it feels like
there's so much competition it feels
like everyone's at this Buffet online
and we all want to come across like
we're cool and in control we're not
going to make ourselves vulnerable too
quickly cuz God forbid I give more than
you do or I show you that I like you
more than you like like me for a lot of
people there's that fear of if I'm too
available if I don't look like I've got
a really busy life with things going on
all the time and I'm never really
available and you're going to have to
chase me that you're not going to be
interested and so it has us all playing
this game of who can be the most aloof
and that the grand prize of Love is
going to be given to the number one most
aloof right and that's the worst way to
make ourselves valuable is to be aloof
on some level we know that we're all
looking for something that feels rare
right we're looking for someone who's a
wonderful person to be with a wonderful
partner attractive intelligent and we
believe that to get someone's attention
someone who is like that someone who is
rare we ourselves have to be rare but
the way that we're going about being
rare is actually hurting us there are
two very very different and very
distinct camps when it comes to trying
to come across as rare there are people
who try to come across as rare by being
aloof and distant and unavailable and
there are people who show that they are
rare by being awesome and the two
different schools couldn't have more
different results in terms of what
happens if you are rare by being a aloof
and by not trying very hard and by never
showing much and always waiting for that
person to make the move or for that
person to show that they're into you
before you show you're into them for
them to try before you try by doing that
we essentially become invisible in so
many ways we become like everybody else
who is playing the same cheap game
because it's such an easy game to play
anyone can send onew message
anyone can take 6 hours or 2 days to
text someone back if that's how we're
trying to create a sense of significance
around ourselves then we are putting
ourselves in an extremely large pool of
people who are doing the exact same
thing but the people who are being rare
by being awesome and I would Define
awesome as the ability to truly Express
Yourself express your personality show a
sense of humor playful be fun be
flirtatious be curious about someone the
people who show that they are rare in
that way are actually creating value for
somebody else now I actually believe
that there is a drawback of this the
danger of bringing that really awesome
energy to someone is that it can be
mistaken for availability it can be
mistaken for us already being completely
sold on that person so they no longer
feel they have to try if they're that
kind of person that takes for granted
someone who's really great or someone
who simply feels entitled to that
greatness and that attention because
they've started getting it in other
words the kind of generosity of spirit
that we go into dating with giving
people the benefit of the doubt can be
mistaken for a kind of weakness but that
person will be corrected when they learn
that our awesomeness our greatness
whatever you want to call it is like the
sunshine and it's a sunshine that we
control and that we can point in a
different direction any time we choose
and the time we choose to is when we
realize that we are being taken for
granted when we no longer feel that
someone is really interested or invested
when we feel their inconsistency or when
we no longer feel good around them or in
their absence when that's the case they
will learn that what they perceived as
this availability that they could take
for granted this wonderful energy in
their life that they were simply
entitled to is actually like a light
switch that can get turned off now you
go from being this person with an
incredible energy to a very powerful
individual because I now realize oh my
God I thought that was just free I
thought that was just because they liked
me so much it's actually because they're
an a awesome person and I'm at risk of
losing this awesome person now I don't
want to have this idea simply live in
the abstract I want us to talk about how
valuable this is when the rubber
actually meets the road in our love
lives in interacting with people and I
want to start just by inviting you into
a particular concept that I have found
really powerful in my own life and that
is the principle of reciprocity it is
the idea that if we give first we are
much more likely to receive that same
thing from somebody else and most of us
I believe the reason that we're finding
dating so hard is because we're actually
doing the complete opposite we are doing
it backwards we are going into dating
expecting someone to evoke our
playfulness by making us comfortable
expecting someone to evoke our
vulnerability by making us feel entirely
safe before we ever speak something that
could be used against us or that we
could be made fun of for or that could
get us rejected and as a
result we're not creating the kind of
energy that would necessarily make that
person feel like they can give those
things and this is a very kind of
follower mindset when it comes to dating
we think we're keep keeping ourselves
safe we think that by waiting constantly
for somebody else to give us something
before we give it to them we think that
we're putting ourselves in a good
position but what we're actually doing
is just following we've turned ourselves
into kind of a a sheep in dating waiting
for someone else to come along and lead
with the kind of energy that we want to
have and I think what's missing from
dating today is leadership and I'm not
just talking about in men cuz it's a
cliche that you know men need to step up
and lead and I'm talking about personal
leadership for men and women the ability
to go into a room and focus on creating
an impact what a lot of people do is
they're watching the other person to see
what they do so that they can then base
their thing their move their energy on
what the other person is doing but you
can't have an impact when you're
constantly watching the other person an
impact is stepping into a room and not
saying how's everyone else being but how
do I want to be and then by being that
you invite that energy you're actually
in a place where you affect the energy
of the room you affect the energy of the
date you affect the energy of the text
exchange instead of constantly living in
a state of being affected by the energy
in the room that's following and think
about this with people in your life we
need go no further than our friends or
the people we know in life is there
someone in your life that you are more
affectionate with my guess is one of the
major reasons that you're more
affectionate with that person is that
they're affectionate with you in a way
that brings out your most affectionate
side are there people in your life that
you feel funnier around my guess is that
that's because that person brings a
sense of humor a level of laughter to
you that makes you feel like you want to
bring out your funny side it makes you
tell more jokes it makes you get more
play more silly more goofy I do a
retreat program every year and part of
the culture of my organization is that
we're Huggers We Don't Hug people who
don't want to be hugged but for the
people that are receptive we'll hug
people on the way in and there are some
people that you can tell on the way in
are a little they're
standoffish they've not been used to
that affection in their lives in general
they've not given that affection for a
long time or maybe ever you would think
that these people stay the same over the
the course of that week but actually
what happens is many of them by the time
they leave on the sixth day are racing
up to my members of staff and hugging
them and going I wasn't hugging people
at the beginning of this program and I
didn't even think I was a hugger and it
turns out I am and they're hugging
people why is that because someone came
along with an energy that brought that
out of them I don't want us to think
about this as changing people it's
about creating an energy having a level
of leadership that actually brings more
of who people really are to the table
with you and remember this is always in
the context of you having a standard
that says I'm going to bring a certain
energy a certain way about me to people
and if they can't meet me there then I'm
going to keep moving I'm not going to
keep giving energy to people who don't
reciprocate but what I'm not going to do
is go into my love life as a follower as
a sheep who is waiting for someone to
come along and Trigger that in me there
are people that are actually capable of
being many of the things that we'll be
attracted to that we simply write off
when we're in follower mode there are
people who will say I was texting this
person but they were really boring I
didn't know what to do cuz I just felt
like it was really boring they just
asked me the same questions all the time
it was always just how are you what are
you up to and I was like oh my God like
put in some more effort or say something
more interesting but in these situations
if we observe ourselves if we get really
self-aware we'll often find that we're
not creating an energy with them that
makes it more likely they'll bring that
to the table I said in a recent video
there was a line that Shakespeare wrote
of his character false staff false staff
was not just a wit but a cause of wit in
others and the reason I love that line
is because that to me is leadership is
you aren't just something you create
more of that thing in another person so
for example let's say you're texting
someone and they keep texting you boring
things like how are you how's your day
what are you up to and you're like oh
God this just doesn't feel like there's
any tension here this doesn't feel like
we're really flirting it doesn't feel
like anything's really getting off the
ground maybe instead of just writing
that person off actually say let me see
what happens if I bring more of this
Dynamic to this person so now when that
person says to you how are you instead
of answering literally which is what
many people do you do this and this is
my advice to people all the time if
someone says how are you or what you up
to don't answer
literally ask yourself what's the most
interesting thing that's happened to me
this week what's something I've been
thinking about today or in the last 3
days that is an interesting thought in
other words what are the highlights of
my brain this week or of what I'm doing
this week and when someone says how are
you I don't have to take that so
literally I have to come back with
something that's true but something that
is a highlight of my week let me give
you an example of how you might respond
to a how are you or what you up to
message with someone that you worry is
just boring you or not putting in a lot
of effort but you want to see if you
could send a bolt of electricity through
it and what that would do so you might
say I'm in a coffee shop working right
now or at least I'm I'm trying to I keep
getting distracted by pointless things
but then you say right after that you
texting me however is a welcome
distraction and all of a sudden what you
have done is just send a little bolt of
electricity through the exchange now
what they choose to do with it well
that's up to them now it's time for them
to step up if they can't do anything
with that or they don't play on that or
flirt back then you go okay maybe this
person's just not for me maybe they
can't handle that level of fun or
playfulness and therefore they're not
going to be right for me but what you'll
find in a lot of cases is people who
previously weren't doing it for another
reason maybe they're shy maybe they're
just a bit awkward as many of us are in
dating we worry about what we can and
can't say we worry about things being
misconstrued maybe someone suddenly
feels permission be more of themselves
in that way and by Leading you actually
bring that out of them that's the thing
that we have to start being prepared to
do it's leaving a date and a few hours
later saying still smiling after that
date we had or it might be the day after
the date that you had with someone where
you send someone a message and you say
had so much fun with you last night
still smiling now that's warm there's a
little vulnerability to it it's
affectionate it's kind of exciting
fighting what does someone do with that
message that will tell you what you need
to know that moment is either the red
light or the green light they give me
nothing back they kind of took for
granted my message they gave me a lame
response they gave me an entitled
response okay but by giving that energy
what we're really doing with someone is
saying hey in case you were in any doubt
I find you
attractive I had a great time how many
dates is this true of two people go on a
date they both like each other they're
both kind of feeling their way around
what's appropriate or feeling a bit
awkward about it but they actually kind
of like each other but at the end of the
day neither of them really know whether
the other one finds them attractive or
not right there was no kiss at the end
of the date it seemed like a great date
but two people are left wondering does
this person see me as a friend did they
just have a nice time with me is this a
romantic thing a day later you get that
message oh they're attracted to me okay
and now you bring a different energy
yourself so these little moments of
communication of not focusing on being
rare by being aloof but focused on being
rare by being awesome can change the
game on what somebody else brings to the
table by the way that message I just
gave you for the day after the date I
literally asked that question of Matthew
AI for everyone who's already been using
it you'll know what I'm talking about
and that was a Matthew AI generated
message from things I've said before
that I had forgotten when I heard
Matthew AI say that message I was like
oh my God I did give that message once
and I really like that message so I'm
giving it to you today it's technically
my message but it's a message that I had
long since forgotten about and then when
Matthew AI said it to me I was like
that's gold if you haven't already by
the way tried Matthew AI I urge you to
go and try it if you have a question on
your mind right now about what something
means what you should say what you
should do you can go to ask mh.com and
ask Matthew AI your question right now
it is blowing people's minds you can
literally text Matthew AI your question
you can upload your messages and ask
Matthew AI what things mean or what you
should say next you can literally call
Matthew Ai and speak your question out
loud as if you were on a phone call with
me and you will hear my my voice give
you my answer anyway back to the video
I'm sorry I am just very excited about
this right now though by the way here's
another thing I was thinking of the
other day cuz me and Audrey went to see
the new alien film and I thought what
text would be a fun text to receive if
Audrey and I were dating and she had
been to see this movie without me and I
wrote this text down let's see Audrey's
actually here right now so we'll see
what she thinks of this I just went to
see the new alien film I could have used
your big shoulders to hide in
LOL oh that's good you like it yeah
you're not just saying that really like
it that's really good I think it's
really good too so this is something
everyone can do but again how many
people out there are going oh I I would
never say that or someone would have to
make me feel really comfortable to say
that then you're following again
remember truly being vulnerable B in the
negative sense in the sense that I am
exposed and I could get hurt only occurs
if you keep giving energy to someone who
is not giving you that energy back being
more of ourselves up front more playful
more goofy a little bit more sexy a
little bit more of a wink a little bit
more flirtation a little more
complimentary or sweet or warm that's
not a dangerous level of vulnerability
it's just a little bit of bravery and by
the way if you make other people feel
Brave around you you will benefit
because you'll actually get more of
other people than they express to
everyone else so you'll actually
increase the pool of people that you're
attracted to you will be the maker of a
bigger pool of Attractive people for
yourself but more than that you will
become attractive to more people because
it's really enjoyable to be around
someone who makes you feel like a better
version of yourself if I I'm funnier
around you if I'm sexier around you if
I'm more fct tatious around you then
there's every chance that I will want to
be around you more so leave me a comment
let me know what you thought of this
video I'm excited to read them dating
does not have to be impossible but we do
have to get out of follower mode and we
have to start leading don't forget
before you leave to go to ask mh.com and
give Matthew AI a try literally think of
a question that you want to ask right
now if I was sat next to you you've just
finished this video you're like well I
want to know the answer to this now go
and ask that question to Matthew AI
right now and get ready to be blown away
because everyone I've shown this to is
blown away so ask mh.com is the link go
try it out now and thank you for
watching be well and love life and I'll
see you soon
[Music]
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