Simple hacks from a relationship psychologist to wow your date | Ask the Expert

Summary

In this insightful interview, relationship consultant Anu Day shares expert advice on navigating the dating world. She emphasizes the importance of self-care, realistic expectations, and fostering strong friendships before seeking a long-term partner. Anu advises focusing on common interests and values during initial dates and warns against self-judgment and setting unrealistic standards. She also discusses red flags to watch for and the psychology behind attraction, advocating for dating one person at a time to avoid decision fatigue.

Takeaways

• 🌟 Start a serious relationship by focusing on self-care and removing misconceptions about romantic relationships.
• 🌈 For a first date, ease nerves by not overthinking and being your authentic self.
• 👂 Make a good impression by focusing on the other person and finding common interests.
• 🚫 Avoid common dating mistakes like being self-judgmental or putting limitations on potential partners.
• 🤔 Look for a strong friendship and similar values in a long-term partner, as these are key to lasting relationships.
• 🔑 Trust, respect, and communication are fundamental to any relationship.
• 🦋 Consider whether you'd miss the friendship more than the relationship as a sign of a good match.
• 🤷‍♀️ Be cautious of red flags like disrespect, attempts to change you, or overly critical behavior.
• 🧠 Be mindful of past relationships influencing current ones and seek to resolve past issues before dating again.
• 📱 Limit focus to one person at a time due to the paradox of choice and decision fatigue.
• 💑 The psychology of attraction involves both physical and long-term partnership goals, influenced by social skills and evolutionary factors.
• 🌈 Keep hope alive and enjoy the dating process as a journey of self-discovery.

Q & A

What is the first step towards a serious long-term relationship according to Anu?

The first step towards a serious long-term relationship is self-care, which involves getting yourself into the right mindset and prioritizing what you want out of the experience.

What common misconceptions should people remove about romantic relationships?

People should remove idealized versions of what romantic relationships should be like and be open to both the good and bad sides of the experience.

What advice does Anu give for easing nerves on a first date?

Anu advises not to overthink and to be yourself, focusing on your strengths and authentic self, similar to how you would talk to a friend.

How can one make a good impression on a date?

To make a good impression, one should focus on the other person, listen to what they are saying, and find common interests to discuss.

What are some common mistakes people make during the initial phase of dating?

Common mistakes include being self-judgmental, projecting an inauthentic version of oneself, and putting limitations on potential partners based on misconceptions or idealistic views.

Why is having a strong friendship important in a romantic relationship?

A strong friendship is important because it often sustains the relationship. Relationships that last are usually built on a strong friendship foundation.

What should people look for in a long-term partner according to the transcript?

People should look for similarity in values, trust, respect, and good communication in a long-term partner.

How does Anu suggest determining if a second date should be pursued after an average first date?

Anu suggests considering whether you got along well with the person and could see yourself hanging out with them as a friend, as romantic feelings and attraction can grow over time.

What are some challenges people face while looking for a life partner?

One of the biggest challenges is the lack of social skills and communication, partly due to spending too much time online and losing some of those social skills.

What are some red flags to look out for in the initial phase of dating?

Red flags include a lack of respect, someone trying to change who you are, being overly critical or judgmental, and emotional reactions that are disproportionate to the situation.

How can someone stop replicating harmful patterns from past relationships?

One should spend time with themselves to understand and resolve past relationship issues, possibly with the help of a counselor, before entering into new dating relationships.

Why does Anu recommend focusing on one person at a time in the context of dating apps?

Focusing on one person at a time can prevent decision fatigue and increase satisfaction, as having too many choices can lead to less happiness and more difficulty in making the right decision.

What is the psychology of attraction according to Anu?

The psychology of attraction is partly evolutionary and involves both physical attraction for reproduction and the need for a long-term partner who can be a friend and share resources.

What advice does Anu have for someone who hasn't been lucky in love?

Anu advises to continue having hope, focus on oneself, and view the dating process as an amazing experiment and journey to find the perfect person.

Outlines

00:00

🌟 Starting a Long-Term Relationship

Anu, a relationship consultant at Verona, emphasizes the importance of self-care and mindset when seeking a long-term relationship. She advises prioritizing personal desires and being open to learning and growing through the relationship journey. Anu also suggests letting go of idealized notions of romance to embrace the full spectrum of experiences. First dates should be approached without overthinking, focusing on authenticity and strengths, similar to how one would interact with a friend. Psychological tips for making a good impression include focusing on the other person, actively listening, and finding common interests to foster connection.

05:03

🤔 Navigating the Initial Phases of Dating

Anu discusses common dating mistakes such as self-judgment and projecting an inauthentic image. She stresses the importance of being present and mindful during interactions, both in-person and digital, to avoid misrepresenting oneself. Anu also cautions against setting unrealistic expectations or limitations based on misconceptions about relationships. Instead, she advises focusing on building a strong friendship, aligning values, and establishing trust and respect as foundational for long-term relationship success. She addresses the question of whether to go on a second date, suggesting that if there's a good rapport and potential for friendship, it may be worth exploring further, as romantic feelings can develop over time.

10:06

🚩 Identifying Red Flags in Early Relationships

Anu outlines red flags to watch for in the early stages of dating, such as a lack of respect, attempts to change one's behavior, or overly critical attitudes. She also warns against partners who exhibit extreme emotional reactions to minor issues or whose decision-making is heavily influenced by past traumas or external influences. Anu suggests that these traits could indicate poor interpersonal skills or a lack of authenticity in the relationship. She advises taking time to resolve past relationship issues before entering new ones to avoid projecting past experiences onto new partners.

15:08

🧠 Psychology of Dating and Attraction

Anu explores the psychology behind dating and attraction, touching on evolutionary aspects such as mating behavior and the importance of social skills. She discusses the paradox of choice, suggesting that having too many options can lead to decision fatigue and less satisfaction. Anu recommends focusing on one person at a time to make better-informed decisions. She also addresses the concept of attraction, differentiating between physical attraction and the deeper, long-term partnership qualities such as friendship and resource-sharing. Anu concludes with advice for those struggling to find love, encouraging them to maintain hope, focus on personal growth, and enjoy the journey of self-discovery.

Keywords

💡Butterflies

The term 'butterflies' is often used to describe the nervous excitement one feels when attracted to someone. In the context of the video, it's mentioned as a feeling that might not be present on the first date, suggesting that the absence of such feelings doesn't necessarily mean the relationship won't develop. It's used to illustrate the idea that initial chemistry isn't the only indicator of a potential long-term relationship.

💡Self-care

Self-care refers to the practice of maintaining one's own health and well-being, often through mindfulness and personal upkeep. In the video, it's emphasized as a foundational step before entering a serious relationship. It implies that individuals should be in a good mental and emotional state to foster healthy relationships.

💡Authenticity

Authenticity is the state of being genuine and true to one's own personality, character, and feelings. The script advises being authentic on a first date by being oneself and focusing on personal strengths, rather than trying to impress others. It's highlighted as a way to ensure that the relationship starts on a truthful and sincere basis.

💡Overthinking

Overthinking is the act of excessively analyzing a situation, which can lead to anxiety and indecision. The consultant in the video advises against overthinking during a first date, as it can lead to self-doubt and hinder natural conversation. It's presented as a common mistake that can be avoided by focusing on the present moment.

💡Misconceptions

Misconceptions refer to incorrect or inaccurate understandings about something. In the video, it's mentioned that individuals often have idealized versions of romantic relationships, which can lead to disappointment. The consultant suggests removing these misconceptions to have a more realistic and fulfilling dating experience.

💡Respect

Respect in a relationship means valuing and honoring the other person's feelings, opinions, and boundaries. The script identifies a lack of respect as a red flag in the initial phase of dating. It's crucial for building a healthy and long-lasting relationship, as it forms the foundation of trust and mutual understanding.

💡Non-negotiables

Non-negotiables are the absolute requirements or deal-breakers in a relationship. The video discusses the pitfalls of having unrealistic non-negotiables, such as geographical location or material possessions, which can limit one's dating pool unnecessarily. It suggests focusing on more meaningful and enduring qualities.

💡Friendship

In the context of the video, friendship is highlighted as a critical component of a successful long-term romantic relationship. It's suggested that a strong friendship can sustain a relationship, and people should consider whether they would miss the person's friendship more than the romantic aspect if the relationship ended.

💡Trust

Trust is the reliance on the integrity, strength, or ability of someone or something. The video emphasizes trust as a fundamental aspect of a relationship. It's noted that trust, along with respect, is often undervalued in the early stages of dating but is essential for the relationship's longevity and stability.

💡Red flags

Red flags are warning signs that indicate potential problems or issues. In the script, red flags in the initial phase of dating include a lack of respect, attempts to change one's behavior, or overly critical attitudes. Recognizing these signs can help individuals avoid entering unhealthy relationships.

💡Decision fatigue

Decision fatigue refers to the deteriorating quality of decisions made by an individual after a long session of decision making. The video mentions this concept in relation to the abundance of choices available through dating apps, which can lead to analysis paralysis and dissatisfaction. It suggests focusing on one person at a time to avoid this issue.

💡Attraction

Attraction is the feeling of being drawn towards someone or something. The psychology of attraction, as discussed in the video, involves both physical and emotional components. It's noted that while physical attraction is important, the emotional connection, such as a strong friendship, is crucial for long-term partnerships.

Highlights

The importance of self-care and mindset when entering a serious relationship.

Removing misconceptions about romantic relationships is crucial.

Advice on easing first date nerves by not overthinking.

Being authentic and focusing on strengths is key on a first date.

Psychological tips for making a good impression involve focusing on the other person.

Common mistakes during the initial phase include being self-judgmental and projecting an inauthentic image.

Putting limitations on potential partners before meeting them can hinder relationships.

The value of a strong friendship in a romantic relationship.

Similarity in values is important for long-term relationship success.

Trust, respect, and communication are fundamental to a relationship.

The decision to go on a second date should be based on the potential for friendship and shared interests.

Assessing compatibility early on involves looking at shared values and interests.

Challenges in finding a life partner often stem from lack of social skills and communication.

Red flags in the initial phase include disrespect, attempts to change you, and overly critical behavior.

Emotional reactions disproportionate to the situation can be a red flag.

The influence of past traumas or external influences on decision-making in relationships.

The psychology behind focusing on one person at a time due to the paradox of choice.

The evolutionary basis of attraction and its components.

Advice for those who haven't been lucky in love: maintain hope and focus on self-improvement.

Transcripts

so a good way to know whether you're

with the right person is to think about

whether I didn't feel the butterflies so

would you recommend going on a second

date try and really focus on the other

person what are some common mistakes

that people do during the initial phase

if you do have a traumatic past it's a

really good idea to that's another sort

of red flag and what is the psychology

of Attraction hello and welcome to ask

the expert a series where we talk about

love relationship and marriage offer

Siege advice straight from Verona's

relationship lab so our guest today Anu

is a relationship consultant at Verona

she handles hundreds of clients and help

them navigate their relationship Journey

thank you for joining us Anu thank you

for having me so our members already

know you but can you please introduce

yourself to our uh viewers sure so my

name is Anu day I'm a lead relationship

consultant at Verona and I have a

background in psychology and social

cognition and have worked for several

years in India with counseling and

therapy for both mental health as well

as for relationships and individual

therapy so let's dive uh straight in if

somebody wants to get into a serious

long-term relationship where does like

where do they start well this might

sound counterintuitive but I would say

the first part of that would be in

self-care and that means getting

yourself into the right mindset

prioritizing what you want out of the

experience

and you know just committing to kind of

learn and grow through the experience

and I think the second thing is um

removing misconceptions that you have

about romantic relationships so we all

have idealized you know versions of what

we think it should be like and it's all

important I suppose to be open to the

experience and and that's good and bad

sides of the experience and yeah I think

those are the the top two tips I would

offer people let's talk about first date

if somebody is going for a first date

what should they do to ease the nose

don't overthink it you know try and let

go of some of the fears you have about

being judged by someone else about maybe

some of your insecurities and and focus

instead on you know your strengths what

are the things that your friends love

about you what does your family love

about you and try and just go and sort

of be yourself be your authentic self

and think about how you talk to a friend

and that's how you should be talking to

someone on a date um I think a lot of

people really get their head into these

situations and they overthink it and

what happens is that you start second

guessing everything you're saying you

start becoming really paranoid about how

the other person is judging you and um

it can be a little difficult but the

best way to do that or kind of alleviate

your nerves is to you know try not to

overthink of it and uh imagine that

you're having a conversation with a

friend right and do you have any

psychological tips for just making a

good for impression um so I think going

back to not

overthinking uh things I think one of

the best things you can do is try and

really focus on the other person so one

of the mistakes that a lot of us make is

that we're so focused on making a good

impression ourselves that we forget to

listen to what the other person is

saying and give them time to explain

stuff about their background to you and

I think the other thing is always try

and find uh things that you have in

common because a really good way of

breaking the ice with people if you have

some mutual interest it's always easier

to talk about them especially if you're

passionate about that interest right you

talk about mistake like what are some

common mistakes that people do during

the initial phase so I think one of the

things is maybe being a little bit self-

judgmental which causes us to or having

lower self-esteem and what that does is

it causes us to maybe project a version

of ourselves that we think people want

to see rather than who we truly are and

so I think a really good tip is to try

and be mindful and present when you're

in those interactions even if they're on

WhatsApp don't just kind of project an

image of yourself that isn't authentic

or is something that you think someone

else wants to see because most of the

time we'll eventually revert back to who

we truly are and so you want to be as

close to your real self as possible so I

think another common mistake is putting

limitations on someone before you've met

them this is something that comes from I

think misconceptions around romantic

relationships or even having a really

idealistic view of what relationships

are like and the second is just about

having unrealistic or sort of very

irrational um non-negotiable so you

might think to yourself that you know I

want someone only from this geographical

region or I want someone who only has

this type of car and whilst that might

sound silly a lot of people do put these

kind of limitations on themselves and

you're kind of looking at things which

in the long term and inner relationship

are really going to become

inconsequential um and and it's

important to focus on the things that

are going to be consequential and what

are these things like what should people

look for I mean I think one of the most

important things which is often

neglected is having a really strong

friendships I guess we get a little

derailed or maybe even blindsighted when

we're with someone really attractive and

someone that we find attractive and yes

attraction is totally important in

romantic relationships but so is having

a really strong friendship and actually

relationships that last are usually

built on a really strong friendship so a

good way to know whether you're with the

right person is to think about whether

you'd miss the friendship more than the

relationship because often it's the

friendship that really sustains so I

think another thing that you should look

for is a similarity in values um that's

really important because your True

Values are again things that if they

don't align can cause conflict later in

a relationship and this also happens

with certain types of cultural

differences or differences in how

someone relates to their family so those

are the kinds of things that you want to

be thinking about when you're looking

for someone longterm but I think on a

more fundamental level it's really

important to have a lot of trust and

respect in a relationship and also

really communication and I think trust

and respect are often things that we

give them less value than they actually

should have when we're especially in the

initial parts of dating so Anu suppose I

went on a date and the date was just

average I didn't feel the butterflies so

would you recommend going on a second

date it depends on whether that first

thing I was talking about how strong

that was if it was a date where you

weren't really feeling butterflies and

you kind of got on with the person but

you know if they were outside of that

context maybe you wouldn't talk to them

that much then probably don't go on the

second date but if on the other hand you

got on with the other person really

really well you could see them yourself

like hanging out with them as a friend

then maybe it is an idea to go on that

second date because romantic feelings

and attraction can grow it's not like

everyone has lightning bolt moments when

they first see you know someone on a

first date or even on several dates so

yeah that would be the distinction

because in the beginning I barely know

this person so how do I see if I'm

compatible with this person or not so in

the beginning it's difficult to sort of

understand whether you're definitely

going to be compatible with them right

especially on a first date or even a

second date but usually in a first day

what you're looking for is does this

person seem to have similar values to me

you know do we have similar interest in

terms of our lifestyle are we similarly

committed to our careers you know do we

have fairly similar you know values in

terms of our family because those are

the things that are potentially going to

be um difficulties later on in a

relationship and just to give you an

example of that if you are you know

quite focused on work and work is

important to you and the other person

feels that work is not as important to

them or that you know they prefer a work

life balance that's really healthy then

that is going to be an issue as you

progress through that relationship so

you should have similar um kind of views

on those sorts of things M so what are

some biggest challenges that people face

while looking for their life partner I

think one of the biggest challenges is

lack of social skills and communication

and whilst that might seem very obvious

and obviously people communicate well in

relationships that communication is

quite different and the thing is that

our brains are kind of really wired into

social signals and one of the things

that research has shown recently is that

because we spend so much time online

we're losing some of those skills and so

often times when people interact on

dates they don't really know how to

behave and they don't often exhibit some

of the social skills that our brains are

kind of wired to pick up on and how that

comes across to the other person is

either lack of Interest or that the

person is disengaged and a really

obvious example of that would be you

know if you get a text on your phone and

you're in conversation with someone and

you look at the text text rather than

leave the text for 5 minutes let the

person finish talking and what are some

red flags that one should look out for

in the initial phase I think one of the

biggest ones is someone who seems like

they are not uh giving you enough

respect or if they are trying to change

who you are so if you are experiencing

someone who's questioning you about your

decisions or your behavior trying to

maybe see if you change your behavior

then that is usually red flag another

one is someone that may seem overly

critical of you or judgmental which I

think I mentioned before often times

these kinds of traits can be signs that

the person either is not a very good I

would say not very good in interpersonal

relationships another thing is someone

who's extremely emotional but I would

say emotional in a way that is kind of

not in alignment with the situation so

for example if you don't text someone

back as soon as they text you and they

start getting really upset and emotional

about it even though it's a very small

thing and you think that they're kind of

overreacting that's another sort of red

flag and I would say that on a

completely different sort of Dimension

someone who seems like their

decision-making is going to be very much

influenced either by a previous trauma

or other people in their life so other

influences then that can sometimes not

be a very good situation because the

person's decision making is not their

own it's either being directed or

influenced by by like a past bad

relationship or you know some other

trauma or that they're very influenced

by other people and so you'd never

really have an authentic relationship

with that person so how does one stop

replicating harmful patterns from the

past

relationship that's a really good

question so I think one thing which is

probably the most difficult to do is to

kind of um spend some time time with

yourself trying to move on from that

experience because until you do that it

actually isn't very fair to even go back

into dating and and giving other people

because you are giving other people the

opportunity to date you because what we

tend to do is we tend to project past

relationships onto others and especially

if they're not completely resolved so

for example if you had a really bad

breakup and someone treated you in a

specific way say they lied to you you

might then start projecting that onto

another person and not really even be

aware that you're doing it and so if you

do have a traumatic past it's a really

good idea to spend some time trying to

understand that relationship a bit

better maybe even get support from

someone like a counselor to kind of let

go of some of those feelings before you

go into dating again which which is

often contrary to advice that we'll get

from our friends they'll be like get

back in there you know you just need to

find someone new when actually the first

step is just sort of resolving those

feelings within yourself right um so

because of the dating apps people have

so many choices yes why do you think one

should only focus on one person at a

time okay so there's actually a lot of

psychology research that's been done on

this um especially with the rise of

dating apps and probably the most famous

is the Paradox of choice which was

written by Barry Schwarz and I think

around 2004 and it basically the

research and his book indicates that

people tend to be less happy and less

satisfied when they have more choices it

also can lead to something called

decision fatigue which is essentially

the fear because you have so much choice

that your decision is the wrong one and

it also is that there's so many choices

that you can't decide between them and

so what we really encourage is that you

give people the chance and actually look

at just one person at a time because

with obviously dating apps and social

media we've gotten less and less good at

making the right decisions unless we

actually take time to focus upon them um

so this is something else that's proven

in Psychology is that if you don't give

your brain enough time and the cognitive

energy into something you're not

necessarily going to make the right

decision and I'm sure we've we've all

done that on dating abs and what is the

psychology of Attraction yeah that's

another really good question and a lot

of it is evolutionary right so we have a

whole aspect of our Behavior which is

just about kind of it's It's called

mating behavior but it's essentially how

we have romantic relationships and a lot

of that as I mentioned in the kind of I

think in one of your earlier questions

is to do with our social skills um and

so there are two things I mean there is

a physical attraction

component but that physical attraction

component tends to be just have like one

uh one goal which is reproduction

whereas long-term partnership tends to

have another goal which is somebody that

is going to be your friend and is going

to share resources with you and that's

still very much how current I would say

psychology works in terms of Attraction

and just to show you that in action it's

one of the reasons that you'll find that

in an environment like a club for

example that women will tend to be more

aggressive to other women and men will

tend to be more aggressive to other men

because there's so much competition so

if somebody hasn't been Lucky in Love

what's your word of advice for them so I

think the most important thing is to

continue having hope and focus on

yourself because the only person

stopping you from finding that person is

actually yourself and so all you need to

do is kind of think about some of the

things we've discussed today and go out

there and kind of commit to have fun in

the process you know try not to

overthink it think of it as this amazing

experiment and this journey that you're

going to do on yourself to find the

perfect person for you who absolutely is

out there for you mhm thank you Anu for

all that information I'm pretty sure our

audience has learned so much from you

today thank you for having me thank you

so much for watching if you have any

questions for Anu you can comment your

questions down below like comment and

share this video keep watching Verona

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