If you want to achieve your goals, don't focus on them: Reggie Rivers at TEDxCrestmoorParkED

Summary

In this engaging talk, the speaker challenges traditional goal-setting strategies, suggesting that focusing on behaviors rather than goals is key to success. He shares a personal story about his first crush to illustrate how focusing on actions within his control helped him achieve his objective. The speaker emphasizes that goals are often dependent on external factors, while behaviors are entirely within one's power. By setting short-term behavior-focused tasks and maintaining consistency, one can achieve long-term goals without becoming discouraged by external setbacks.

Takeaways

• 🎯 Focusing on goals can be counterproductive. Instead, focus on behaviors that are within your control.
• 👟 Goals often rely on external factors, such as other people, which you cannot control. Behaviors, however, are actions you alone can take.
• 💡 A significant lesson was learned in 6th grade when the speaker shifted focus from the goal (getting a girlfriend) to actions he could control (changing classes).
• 📏 Achieving a goal, like getting an A in class or being a top salesman, depends on behaviors, not the goal itself.
• ⚖️ When dieting, focusing on the scale (the goal) often leads to frustration. Instead, focus on behaviors like healthy eating and exercise.
• 🔄 Setting behavior-based plans (what can be done today, tomorrow, and this week) helps maintain focus and achieve long-term goals.
• 🧠 Emphasizing behaviors allows you to stay motivated and in control, as opposed to obsessing over unpredictable outcomes.
• 👨‍👩‍👧 Parents often focus on the goals they want for their kids. However, controlling their own behaviors (reactions, consistency) is more effective.
• 🎯 Goals should be used to set direction, but behaviors should be the daily focus to build the path toward them.
• 📝 The speaker suggests a practical approach: breaking down behaviors into short-term actions (daily, weekly) to make progress toward larger goals.

Q & A

What does the speaker suggest is a common misconception about achieving goals?

The speaker suggests that a common misconception is that achieving goals requires constant focus on the goals themselves. Instead, they argue that focusing on behaviors, which are within one's control, is the key to achieving goals.

Why does the speaker believe focusing on goals can be counterproductive?

The speaker believes focusing on goals can be counterproductive because goals often involve external factors outside of one's control, such as the participation of others. This can lead to frustration and failure if one becomes fixated on the outcome rather than the actions they can control.

How does the speaker differentiate between goals and behaviors?

The speaker explains that goals are outcomes that often require the involvement of others and are outside of personal control. In contrast, behaviors are actions that are entirely within an individual's control and are the steps necessary to reach those goals.

What is the significance of the speaker's story about Lasandra Johnson?

The story about Lasandra Johnson illustrates the speaker's point that success comes from focusing on behaviors rather than goals. When the speaker shifted their focus from the goal of having Lasandra as a girlfriend to behaviors like joining her class and talking to her, they eventually achieved their goal.

What lesson did the speaker learn from their attempt to change classes to be near Lasandra?

The speaker learned that focusing on behaviors—such as figuring out the rules for changing classes and taking action—was more effective than simply thinking about their goal. This behavioral focus helped them move closer to achieving their goal.

How does the speaker apply the concept of focusing on behaviors to weight loss?

The speaker applies this concept by explaining that focusing on the goal of losing weight often leads to frustration when the desired results don't appear on the scale. Instead, focusing on behaviors like eating healthy and exercising consistently will eventually lead to achieving the goal of weight loss.

What analogy does the speaker use to describe people's reliance on the scale when dieting?

The speaker humorously compares the scale to an oracle, suggesting that people treat it as if it has divine power to define their success or failure. They argue that focusing on the scale (the goal) is less effective than focusing on behaviors like healthy eating and exercise.

How does the speaker suggest parents should approach their goals for their children?

The speaker suggests that instead of focusing on their goals for their children—such as wanting them to be responsible or hardworking—parents should focus on their own behaviors, such as consistency, rewards, and consequences, which are within their control.

What is the speaker's method for setting and achieving personal goals?

The speaker's method involves setting a goal, then focusing on behaviors they can control in the short term, such as what they can do today, tomorrow, and this week to move closer to the goal. This approach shifts focus away from the goal itself to manageable, daily actions.

What is the overall message of the speaker regarding goal achievement?

The overall message is that achieving goals requires focusing on behaviors rather than the goals themselves. By concentrating on actions within one’s control and consistently working on them, individuals are more likely to achieve their long-term objectives.

Outlines

00:00

🎯 Focusing on Behaviors vs. Goals

The speaker, Reggie, begins by discussing the common approach to achieving goals, which is to focus heavily on them. He challenges this idea, stating that success actually comes from focusing on behaviors instead of goals. Through a humorous childhood story about his first crush, Lasandra Johnson, he learned that while goals require external validation, behaviors are under his control. He emphasizes that concentrating on actions rather than desired outcomes leads to better results.

05:01

💡 Behaviors Are Key to Achieving Goals

Reggie expands on the importance of focusing on behaviors, using his pursuit of Lasandra as an analogy. Instead of obsessing over his goal of making her his girlfriend, he started working on what he could control: changing classes, talking to her, and adjusting his approach. He explains that, although his goal wasn’t immediately achieved, his focus on behaviors eventually led to success. He ties this into broader life lessons, such as weight loss, where focusing on daily behaviors (like eating and exercise) is more effective than fixating on the end goal.

10:03

📏 Managing Goals Through Short-Term Actions

Reggie shares his personal strategy for managing goals, emphasizing the importance of focusing on short-term behaviors that are within one's control. Instead of obsessing over the final outcome, he recommends breaking the goal down into daily, weekly, and manageable steps. This method helps maintain motivation and focus on actions that contribute to long-term success. He concludes with the key message that focusing on behaviors, not goals, is the path to achieving success.

Keywords

💡Goals

Goals are desired outcomes that individuals aim to achieve, often requiring effort and planning. In the video, goals are traditionally seen as the focus of personal or professional achievement, but the speaker argues that focusing on them too much can be counterproductive. For example, the speaker initially sets a goal of having LaSandra as his girlfriend but finds that obsessing over this goal makes it harder to achieve.

💡Behaviors

Behaviors are actions or routines that are directly within an individual's control and can lead to the accomplishment of goals. The video emphasizes that focusing on behaviors, rather than goals, leads to success. For instance, when the speaker shifts his focus from the goal of dating LaSandra to the behaviors he can control, such as changing his class to sit next to her, he makes progress.

💡Control

Control refers to the power or ability to influence one's own actions or outcomes. The video highlights that while goals are often outside of a person's control, behaviors are fully within it. The speaker illustrates this by discussing how he couldn't control whether LaSandra would be his girlfriend, but he could control his actions, such as approaching her and asking her out.

💡Prerogative

Prerogative means a right or privilege exclusive to an individual. The speaker humorously refers to Lasandra’s decision to say no as her 'prerogative,' marking it as her personal choice, which he couldn't control. This supports the video's message about focusing on what is in one's control rather than external outcomes like others' decisions.

💡Focus

Focus is the concentration of attention or effort on a particular task or goal. The speaker argues that focusing too much on goals, like weight loss or getting a girlfriend, can be demotivating. Instead, he advocates focusing on the behaviors that lead to success, which is more motivating and within one’s control.

💡Outside of control

Things that are outside of control are events, outcomes, or circumstances that a person cannot influence. In the video, the speaker mentions that goals, like achieving good grades or becoming the best salesman, often depend on others’ participation, making them outside one’s control. Therefore, focusing on these can lead to frustration.

💡Consistency

Consistency refers to the regular and reliable practice of behaviors or actions over time. The speaker stresses that consistent focus on behaviors, rather than sporadically fixating on goals, is key to long-term success. For example, consistently practicing healthy behaviors, like eating well and exercising, leads to weight loss more effectively than obsessively checking a scale.

💡Achievement

Achievement is the successful attainment of a goal. The video challenges the traditional view of how to achieve goals, arguing that focusing on the daily behaviors that are within one's control leads to long-term achievements. For example, the speaker's achievement of eventually dating LaSandra came only after he focused on his own actions.

💡Weight loss metaphor

The weight loss metaphor illustrates how focusing on a goal (losing weight) can lead to frustration if progress isn’t immediate. The speaker uses this metaphor to explain that people often quit diets because they focus too much on the number on the scale instead of the daily behaviors that contribute to weight loss, such as eating well and exercising.

💡Oracle

An oracle is a figure or device believed to provide divine or ultimate knowledge. The speaker humorously refers to the scale as an 'oracle,' mocking the way people look to it for validation during weight loss. He criticizes the practice of treating the scale as an infallible judge, urging people to focus on their behaviors instead.

Highlights

The speaker challenges traditional goal-setting by stating that focusing on goals alone doesn't lead to success.

The key to achieving goals lies in focusing on behaviors that are within one's control, not the goal itself.

Using a childhood story about asking his crush out, the speaker illustrates how focusing on behavior (asking her directly) led to eventual success.

Goals are often dependent on external factors and other people, which makes them difficult to control.

Behaviors are solely within an individual's control and are the building blocks to achieving goals.

The speaker emphasizes that achieving academic success or becoming the best salesperson requires focusing on actions rather than results.

The speaker uses a weight loss analogy to show that obsessing over a goal (losing 10 pounds) leads to failure, but focusing on behaviors (diet and exercise) leads to success.

He humorously describes how people treat the scale like an oracle, but the real focus should be on daily actions.

Parents often focus on goals for their children, leading to frustration. Instead, they should focus on their own behaviors—rewarding, guiding, and setting examples.

Success is achieved by controlling your actions: what you eat, how you exercise, and how you react to challenges, not by focusing on an end goal.

The speaker provides practical advice: break goals into short-term behaviors you can control today, tomorrow, and this week.

Daily motivation comes from focusing on achievements (what behaviors you’ve accomplished) rather than outcomes.

Focusing on behaviors helps reduce anxiety around outcomes, because the individual controls their actions, not external results.

The speaker concludes that consistent focus on behaviors, not goals, is the key to long-term success in life, work, and personal development.

By mastering short-term behaviors and ignoring the anxiety of long-term goals, individuals stay motivated and ultimately achieve their larger aspirations.

Transcripts

Transcriber: Alina Siluyanova Reviewer: Denise RQ

If you want to achieve your goals don't focus on them.

That goes against everything we have ever said about goals, right?

Everything everyone ever talked about goals,

is you pick out what it is you want to do, you set your goals, you write them down,

you stay focused on them, you check your list over and over again,

you come back to it, and that's how you achieve your goals.

What I have learned over the course of my life,

and watching other people, and studying other things,

is that that's not the way to achieve goals.

We all talk about setting goals,

but we don't talk that much about how do you actually achieve goals.

So, I started learning this lesson with my first girlfriend in life.

Her name was Lasandra Johnson.

You guys, who has never seen Lasandra, you have to take my word for it;

she was the most beautiful 6th grader God has ever created. (Laughter)

And for the record, I was in the 6th grade too.

(Laughter)

I used to look at this girl and think every day,

"I would love for LaSandra to be my girlfriend."

But I was young, and I was afraid, so I didn't go to say anything to her.

But one day I was standing on the playground during recess,

I don't know where the courage came from,

but I decided today is the day, I wasn't going to wait another day.

I turned to my buddy, John Statura, and I said,

"John, go ask Lasandra to go with me."

(Laughter)

So he goes walking over to her, and he poses the question,

her little group of friends giggles, she says something back.

He comes walking back to me, he says,

"Reggie, Lasandra said, if you want her to be your girlfriend,

you got to ask her yourself."

(Laughter)

But I am in 6th grade, I sent my best man. What does she want? (Laughter)

But there was no way I was going to ask her myself,

so I continued to think about her for the rest of that school year.

Summer brake came, and I thought about Lasandra Johnson

every day of the summer brake.

The next year was 7th grade, and at my school,

you had a different class every hour, and lockers between classes.

For the first hour I had Woodshop. Lasandra had Home Economics.

At my school, you're allowed to change one class

as long as the class you are moving out of

met at the same time as the class you're moving in to.

So, I walked into the principal's office and said,

"I'd like to change from Woodshop to Home Economics."

(Laughter)

I walk into a Home Ec room, there are 22-23 girls in this classroom,

one boy named Jurgen Kuhn and now, me.

I asked the girl named Tara Virgamini to move over

so I could sit next to Lasandra Johnson,

and that day I asked her to go with me, myself.

(Laughter)

Thank you.

(Applause)

Thank you.

She said, "No."

(Laughter)

That was my first lesson on the prerogative of women

that would be many more,

but, making a long story short,

Lasandra did end up becoming my girlfriend

for two weeks and three days later in that school year

(Laughter)

but I tell this story because that's the first time in my life

that I can say that I purposely focused on the part that was in my control

and ignored the part that was outside of my control;

that was the first time in my life

that I purposely focused on my behaviors rather than my goal.

We set goals for ourselves,

but our goals are things that are outside of our control.

Whatever it is you want to achieve in your life.

If you are a student and you want to get an A in a class,

that's outside of your control,

you don't get to write A's on all of your papers,

you have a teacher who is going to grade these papers,

give you assignments,

somebody else is setting the curriculum, somebody else is grading you,

you don't control what your grade is.

If you want to be the world's best salesman,

you don't get to make all the sales yourself,

you don't get to do both sides of the transaction,

you have to recruit customers into your life.

Goals require you to have the participation of other people,

therefore, they are outside of your control.

So, if you spend too much time focusing on your goals,

you'll never achieve them.

Behaviors, by contrast, are things that you alone can do,

it doesn't take a parent, a teacher, a coach, a friend,

a neighbor, a spouse, a child; it doesn't require anyone else,

you alone can do behaviors,

and behaviors are the things that you focus on

in order to achieve your goals.

And looking at the situation with Lasandra Johnson and I:

when I was focused on my goal,

which was to have this girl to be my girlfriend,

I couldn't speak to her if I was walking past her in the hallway.

In my head all the time it was,

"Lasandra is cute, I want her to be my girlfriend.

Lasandra is cute, I want her to be my girlfriend."

We're walking past her in the hallway, I'd turn the other way. (Laughter)

I wouldn't even say "Hello" to her,

because I was terrified, all I could think about was my goal.

When she told my friend John,

"If Reggie wants me to be his girlfriend, he got to ask me himself," I heard, "Yes".

(Laughter)

So, I stopped thinking about the goal,

the goal had already been achieved,

I came back to focusing on my behaviors.

Once I started focusing on my behaviors,

I figured out what class she had at first hour,

I learned the rules at our school about changing classes,

I went to the principal's office talking to adults,

"Hey, listen, I got to change classes, I got a girl to catch."

(Laughter)

I walked into the Home Ec room, full of girls.

I was afraid to talk to one girl, now there is a room full of girls,

and I was like, "Ladies, I am here."

(Laughter)

I asked Tara to move over so I could sit next to Lasandra,

and she did!

I had a little swagger to me because I heard, "Yes."

And when I heard yes, I stopped focusing on the goal

and I started focusing on my behavior,

and I got myself into a position to achieve my goal.

She said no at that time, but later she said yes.

Years later, when I looked back and thought about that, I thought,

"That's really the model for what happens in life, it's a metaphor."

If you think about what we all go through, say, weight loss.

We all were on a diet at one point or another

- I am on one now, involuntarily, my wife has put me on one -

but we all were on a diet at one point or another.

And how does a diet start? It starts with a goal.

You say, "I want to lose 10 pounds by the end of the year."

OK, that's great, you have a goal.

If you stay focused on that goal, you will never lose 10 pounds.

Because what the next thing we do?

We go from our goal to the scale.

We say, "OK, I am going to step on the scale.

Scale, please tell me if I've lost any of these 10 pounds.

Oh, I haven't lost any. I've gained a pound. OK." (Laughter)

And we keep coming back to the scale,

and you go through a week where you eat well, you're exercising,

you're drinking a lot of water, you're doing all the right things,

and you get on the scale, and you've gained weight; you quit the diet.

If you focus on your goal, you won't achieve it.

Instead, you have to focus on your behaviors,

your behaviors are what is in your control:

you control the food that you put in your mouth,

you control the liquids that you put in your mouth,

you control how much exercise you do,

you control how you feel about the weight that you are,

you control how you feel about the amount of food that you're eating,

you can either feel deprived and miserable,

"Oh my God! It's the worst day in the world.

I'm eating less than I used to eat. I'm starving all the time.

I feel miserable. I can't believe I've almost died. It's awful!"

Or you can say, "I'm proud of myself.

I’m eating less than I used to eat, I have this instead of that, I feel good.

I know that if I keep this up, when I get on the scale,

the scale is going to tell me something good.

If it doesn't tell me something good right now,

I know if I keep this up, I'm going to get where I'm going."

Right now, we treat the scales as if it is an oracle sent down from God

to tell us about ourselves. (Laughter)

When you are on a diet, it is like, "Oh, mighty Oracle,

please tell me what I should think about myself today!"

- "You're fat!" - "Ooh!"

(Laughter)

The Oracle has spoken.

If you focus too much on your goal, if you focus on what it is you weigh,

then you're never going to achieve your goal.

You have to focus on your behaviors.

Think about our kids.

We have goals for our kids: we want our kids to be responsible,

we want them to be mature, we want them to work hard in school,

to work hard at their extra curricula, to hang out with the right people,

we want them to be engaged.

We want all these wonderful things for our kids,

and because we want these things for them,

because we're focused on those goals for them,

we spent most of our time as parents being agitated,

"Why are you doing that? Told you not to do that.

Get over here. Do your homework. What? You're only on one page in?

I told you to get your homework done!"

And we spend all our time fussing, and fussing, and fussing

because these kids won't do what we have in mind for them

in terms of our goals; we're focused on our goal.

If you're focused on your goal, you'll never achieve it.

You have to focus on your behaviors.

Behaviors are things that are in your control solely.

So, you can't control what your kids do.

You can control your reaction to your kids,

you control rewards, you control consequences,

you control your consistency,

you control whether you deliver on the things you said you're going to do,

you control what you respond to your kids at a level 10 or a level 3,

you control what you control.

And when you focus on the part that is in your control,

which is your behaviors, you tend to achieve your goals.

So, how does this work?

The way that I do it in my life:

when I set a goal for myself,

I make a goal, and I say, "I want to lose 10 pounds."

So, then, I immediately look and say, "Behaviors are very short-term.

I only believe that I can control my behaviors for 7 days, that's it."

So, when I sat a goal, I say,

"What can I do today that is going to help me to get closer to that goal?

What can I do tomorrow that is going to help me to get closer to that goal?

And what can I do this week that is going to get me closer to that goal?"

Today, tomorrow, and this week.

I write things down in those three categories

and plan out how I'm going to go after the goals that I have in my life.

And that keeps me focused on my behaviors,

and I know that if I focus on my behaviors day after day,

I keep myself motivated day after day,

I feel good about what I've done because I say, "I did this, I did that,"

I'm not worried about the goal, I'm not worried about how much I weigh,

I'm not worried how many sales I've made, I'm not worried about anything

- that is outside of my control -

I'm focused 100% on the part that is in my control.

If you want to achieve your goals, don't focus on them.

If you want to achieve your goals, you have to focus on the behaviors

that are the building blocks that get you to your goals.

Thank you very much. (Applause)