The Most Important Thing To Do When It Comes To Self Love

Summary

This video script delves into the concept of self-love, emphasizing it as an ongoing commitment rather than a one-time achievement. It discusses the internal struggle of fragmentation, where individuals push away parts of themselves due to perceived rejection, leading to shame. The speaker introduces 'exaltation' as a method to transform negative traits into their highest spiritual aspects, thereby fostering self-love. The narrative includes a personal story of Tuan, illustrating how she reconnected with her rejected traits and repurposed them for personal growth, advocating for a life aligned with one's true self.

Takeaways

• 💖 **Self-Love as a Daily Practice**: Self-love is not a one-time achievement but an ongoing commitment that involves daily practice and attention to both big and small aspects of self-care.
• 👶 **Relational Dependence in Childhood**: As children, our sense of self is heavily influenced by our relationships and the acceptance or rejection from our social group, which can lead to internal conflicts and self-fragmentation.
• 🚫 **Internal Rejection of Personal Aspects**: We may subconsciously reject parts of ourselves that we believe are causing us to be pushed away by others, leading to a sense of shame and self-hatred.
• 🔁 **The Cycle of Fragmentation**: Fragmentation occurs when we turn against aspects of ourselves to regain acceptance, creating an internal divide and practicing the opposite of self-love.
• ❤️ **Self-Love as Inclusion**: To love oneself is to see, hear, feel, understand, and act in the best interests of all parts of oneself, treating each aspect with value and acceptance.
• 😢 **Shame as the Opposite of Self-Love**: Shame is an instinctual reaction to push oneself away, whereas self-love is about drawing all parts of oneself closer and treating them with care.
• 🔄 **Overcoming Shame Through Re-ownership**: The first step to ending shame is to reown and accept the parts of ourselves that we have pushed away, which is crucial for developing self-love.
• 🌟 **Exaltation of Negative Traits**: Transforming negative personality traits into their highest spiritual aspect, or 'exaltation', allows us to see the positive potential in what we previously disliked about ourselves.
• 🤔 **Compassionate Internal Dialogue**: Engaging in a compassionate dialogue with the parts of ourselves that we have rejected can help us understand and relate to their pain, fostering self-compassion and unity.
• 🔮 **Visualization and Meditation**: Visualizing and meditating on the parts of ourselves we dislike can help us to see them as separate entities within us, allowing for a more objective and compassionate approach to self-love.

Q & A

What is the most important thing to do to develop self-love according to the transcript?

The most important thing to do to develop self-love is to see, hear, feel, understand, recognize the value of oneself, and integrate the aspects of yourself that you have rejected, then act in their best interests instead of against them.

Why do we sometimes push away parts of ourselves?

We push away parts of ourselves as a subconscious response to perceived rejection or disapproval from others, often stemming from childhood experiences where we felt we needed to conform to maintain closeness with our social group.

What is the concept of 'fragmentation' as it relates to self-love?

'Fragmentation' refers to the internal splitting of one's consciousness where one part of us is against another part, leading to self-rejection and shame, which is the opposite of self-love.

How does the feeling of shame relate to self-love?

Shame is an instinctual reaction to push oneself away and is considered the exact opposite of self-love. It often arises from the perception that certain aspects of ourselves lead to painful consequences, such as rejection by others.

What is the role of hurt in the development of self-hate?

The foundation of self-hate is hurt, as we only tend to hate aspects of ourselves that have led to painful consequences, particularly when it feels like something about us results in being pushed away by others or unmet needs.

What is the concept of 'exaltation' in the context of self-love?

Exaltation is the process of transforming a negative personality trait or problem into its highest spiritual aspect, finding the best and most positive use for the trait.

How can one apply the concept of exaltation to their negative traits?

One can apply exaltation by identifying negative traits, accepting and approving them, and then amplifying these traits into their most positive and beneficial expressions.

What is the significance of making a connection with the parts of ourselves we dislike?

Making a connection with the parts of ourselves we dislike is significant because it transforms our relationship with those aspects, turning them from sources of self-harm into sources of self-benefit, as they can no longer hurt us without hurting themselves.

How can visualization or meditation help in developing self-love?

Visualization or meditation can help in developing self-love by allowing individuals to see, address, and relate to the parts of themselves they have pushed away, fostering compassion and understanding towards those aspects.

What is 'Parts work' and how does it contribute to self-love?

Parts work is a therapeutic process where one works directly with the different parts of their personality, especially those they do not love, to change internal perspectives and reach agreements on new, loving ways of being towards oneself.

Can you provide an example from the transcript of how someone integrated a previously rejected part of themselves?

Tu Yen, an example from the transcript, integrated her previously rejected 'broody and quiet' part by recognizing its value, such as mindfulness and depth, and redefining her life to align with its needs and values, leading to a more authentic and self-loving lifestyle.

Outlines

00:00

💞 The Essence of Self-Love

This paragraph emphasizes the ongoing commitment and daily practice required for self-love, akin to nurturing any relationship. It stresses that love is not a one-time achievement but a continuous process that involves valuing oneself and acting in one's best interests. The speaker introduces the concept that self-love involves recognizing and integrating rejected aspects of oneself, rather than treating them as separate or unworthy. The paragraph also touches on the idea that as children, we may have rejected parts of ourselves to regain social acceptance, leading to internal conflict and shame. The speaker suggests that true self-love involves seeing the value in all aspects of oneself and acting in their best interests, contrasting with the self-rejecting behaviors often rooted in childhood experiences.

05:01

🔄 Overcoming Shame Through Self-Acceptance

Paragraph 2 delves into the process of resolving shame and developing self-love by re-owning and accepting the parts of ourselves we've pushed away. It introduces the concept of 'exaltation' from ancient Alchemy, suggesting that we should transform our negative traits into their highest spiritual aspects. The speaker provides examples of how negative traits, like being a bully or playing mind games, can be exalted into positive forms, such as leadership or counseling. The paragraph encourages viewers to identify their negative traits, find their highest expression, and visualize reconnecting with the rejected parts of themselves with compassion, aiming to understand and value these aspects as part of their whole self.

10:01

🤔 Internal Dialogue and Self-Compassion

Paragraph 3 continues the discussion on self-love by guiding the reader through an internal dialogue with the parts of themselves they may have rejected. It suggests a process of visualization to encounter these aspects and encourages a compassionate approach to understand their needs and desires. The speaker provides a detailed example of someone who was ashamed of being a bully and how they could reframe this aspect into a positive force for encouragement and leadership. The paragraph also introduces the concept of 'Parts work,' recommending a video for further guidance on this technique. The goal is to change one's internal perspective towards the rejected parts and to agree on a new, loving way of being towards oneself.

15:03

🌟 Embracing Authenticity for True Self-Love

In the final paragraph, the speaker shares a personal story of Tuan, who struggled with self-love due to her broody and quiet nature, which was rejected by her peers. Tuan learned to act differently to gain acceptance but remained unhappy. Through self-love practices, she began to exalt her broody nature, recognizing its value in mindfulness and depth. She performed 'Parts work' to understand and reconcile with her rejected self, leading to a change in her self-perception and actions. Tuan's story illustrates the importance of embracing one's authentic self and acting in its best interests, which ultimately leads to true self-love and personal fulfillment.

Keywords

💡Self-love

Self-love, in the context of the video, refers to the practice of appreciating and caring for oneself as a continuous commitment. It's not a one-time achievement but an ongoing process that involves recognizing one's value and acting in one's best interests. The video emphasizes that self-love is crucial for personal well-being and involves integrating aspects of oneself that have been rejected or ignored.

💡Relational dependence

Relational dependence is the concept that as children, our sense of self-worth and security is heavily dependent on our relationships and the acceptance from our social group. The video explains how this dependency can lead to internal conflicts and self-rejection if we perceive that certain aspects of our personality are pushing others away.

💡Fragmentation

Fragmentation, as discussed in the video, is the psychological process of splitting off parts of oneself that are perceived as undesirable or rejected by others. This internal division can lead to a lack of self-love and a sense of internal conflict, as one part of the self is in opposition to another.

💡Shame

Shame is described in the video as an emotional response to feeling unworthy or bad about oneself, often stemming from a sense of being pushed away or rejected. It is portrayed as the antithesis of self-love, as it involves a self-critical stance and a desire to distance oneself from perceived negative aspects of one's personality.

💡Exaltation

Exaltation is an ancient alchemy concept introduced in the video to transform negative traits or aspects of oneself into their highest spiritual or positive form. It involves recognizing and accepting disliked traits and finding ways to express them in a beneficial and constructive manner.

💡Parts work

Parts work is a therapeutic technique mentioned in the video for addressing internal conflicts by dialoguing with different aspects of one's personality. It's a process of understanding, accepting, and integrating these parts to foster self-love and reduce internal division.

💡Internalization

Internalization, as used in the video, refers to the process of adopting the attitudes, beliefs, or values of others, often as a defense mechanism. It can lead to self-rejection if these internalized beliefs are negative or critical, as seen in the example of Tu Yen internalizing the rejection from her peers.

💡Reowning

Reowning is the act of reclaiming and accepting aspects of oneself that were previously rejected or pushed away. The video suggests that reowning is a crucial step in developing self-love, as it involves acknowledging and valuing all parts of oneself.

💡Compassion

Compassion is emphasized in the video as a key component of self-love. It involves feeling empathy and understanding towards oneself and one's experiences, particularly the painful or difficult aspects that have led to self-rejection.

💡Authenticity

Authenticity is the concept of being true to one's own personality, values, and emotions. The video discusses how pursuing authenticity can lead to self-love by ensuring that one's actions and relationships align with their genuine self, rather than a facade or adaptation to others' expectations.

Highlights

Self-love is an everyday commitment and practice, focusing on both big and small aspects of life.

The most important aspect of developing self-love is recognizing and valuing all parts of oneself.

Relational dependence from childhood influences how we perceive and treat ourselves as adults.

Internal fragmentation occurs when we reject parts of ourselves to regain social closeness.

Shame is the feeling of being pushed away from oneself, often resulting from self-imposed rejection.

Self-love involves seeing the value in all aspects of oneself and acting in their best interests.

Love is an instinctual reaction to include and pull closer, while shame pushes away from oneself.

Overcoming shame involves reowning and accepting the parts of ourselves we have pushed away.

Exaltation is the process of transforming negative traits into their highest spiritual aspect.

To change negative traits, one must first acknowledge and accept them, then find their positive expression.

Connection with oneself is crucial for transforming negative aspects into beneficial ones.

Resisting negative traits is counterproductive; instead, find their highest and best use.

Describe and identify the negative parts of your personality for the purpose of self-love development.

Visualize and meditate on the parts of yourself that you have pushed away to understand and accept them.

Compassion arises from relating to someone's suffering; use this to connect with your own rejected parts.

Challenge the thoughts that arise from pushing away parts of yourself through philosophical debate.

Involve others in the process of accepting and integrating rejected parts of yourself for additional perspectives.

Parts work is a technique to understand and change the internal perspective towards unloved parts of oneself.

Tuan's story illustrates the process of integrating rejected parts and developing self-love through understanding and compassion.

Developing self-love is not just about loving oneself but also about integrating the parts we dislike or push away.

Transcripts

you are in a relationship with you for

the rest of your life and just like any

other relationship love is not a

oneandone it's not something you can

achieve and then you can just go about

your life ignoring it it's an everyday

commitment it's an everyday practice

that is as much or even more so about

the little things than it is about the

big things and just like loving in a

relationship should not be treated as a

chore self-love should not be treated as

a chore there are so many ways that we

can commit to and practice self-love but

today I'm going to share with you the

most important thing to do in order to

develop

[Music]

self-love first I'm going to tell you

the punchline the most important thing

to do in order to develop self-love is

to see hear feel understand recognize

the value of own and integrate the

aspects of yourself that you have

rejected and then to act in their best

interests instead of against them now

the you know that punchline I'm going to

explain as children we are relationally

dependent we depend completely upon our

closeness with the social group and this

relational dependence does not go away

as we get older it only somewhat

decreases if we perceive ourselves being

pushed away by someone like Mom or Dad

or siblings or peers as a result of some

aspect about us what we will do is we

will triangulate internally we will try

to reestablish the closeness with the

person who's pushing us Away by turning

against whatever they have pushed us

away for for example let's say that Mom

pushed us away because of our anger we

will immediately push away our own anger

we subconsciously disown deny and reject

it even if at face value we're violently

defending it but we can't do this push

away internal process physically we have

to do it within our own Consciousness

and we do so by creating a split in our

own Consciousness we essentially create

a fragmentation in our own being but

specifically a fragmentation where one

part of us is against another part of us

it is essentially practicing the

opposite of love it is pushing away it

is dis including it's rejecting it's

separating from and acting against the

best interest of that part of us when we

do this we feel the feeling of shame we

can then say that we are ashamed of our

anger we do not love this part of

ourselves if you want to understand more

about this you can watch my video that's

titled fragmentation the worldwide

disease the understanding of

fragmentation with within the self that

your Consciousness can separate into

different aspects that we may call

selves provides for us the most

straightforward conceptualization of

self-love To Love Yourself is to see

hear feel understand see the value of

and act in the best interest of and

include all parts of yourself to love is

to include something as a part of You by

doing so you see hear feel understand

and know it and because you have treated

it as a part of you you cannot actually

act against it without that harming you

which is why naturally the choice to

love carries with it the implication

that you act in the best interests

instead of against its best interests

said another way love is an instinctual

reaction or a conscious choice to pull

something closer to you and include it

as a part of you so self-love could be

seen as the act of pulling all parts of

yourself closer to you so as to include

them as a part of you and shame on the

other hand is an instinctual re action

to push yourself away from yourself

therefore shame could be seen as the

exact opposite of self-love if we

perceive ourselves to be pushed away

enough in our childhood that we either

have to push away many parts of

ourselves to be loved or could not find

a way to push enough of ourselves away

in order to be loved we will carry the

felt based experience of ourselves as

essentially bad broken defective wrong

undesirable at our core the emotions we

feel at that moment become embedded as

the feeling signature that is the

foundation of our entire self-concept

essentially our core self-concept is

that of shame we want to push ourselves

away at our core we hate ourselves the

foundation of hate though is hurt we can

only hate something we feel hurt by so

this must mean that the foundation of

self-hate is hurt right we only hate

ourselves when it feels like something

about us leads to a painful consequence

especially being pushed away by others

and or not getting a need that we

desperately need met the reason that

everyone has been failing with shame and

therefore most self-love techniques is

because most methodologies involving

overcoming shame and developing

self-love are aimed at trying to get a

person to see their worth and to see

their positive attributes they're

essentially aimed at trying to convince

a person who is ashamed of his or her

anger for example to see that he or she

is not not an angry

person this strategy only creates a

greater split within the person the

approach that we have to take to resolve

shame and therefore to develop self-love

is to completely reown and accept the

parts of ourselves that we have tried to

push away from ourselves owning your

shame is the first key to ending shame

when we have pushed away aspects of

ourselves we need to bring them back in

people are usually terrified that when

they reown parts of themselves and

instead of keep pushing them away that

they will become totally bad and totally

unlovable or line up with any of the

consequences they were trained they

would line up with as a result of that

undesirable aspect of themselves but if

you ever notice that it feels like you

can't overcome your problems no matter

how hard you try you can't overcome your

problems because you can't overcome

what's inside of yourself or part of

yourself right as soon as you identify

with something you see it as you from

that point forward to try to overcome

those things is to put one part of you

at war with another part Part of

Yourself the first solution to this is

exaltation the concept of exaltation is

actually an ancient Alchemy concept

simply put to exalt something is to

transform it into its highest spiritual

aspect I'll give you an example the old

Alchemists thought that the exalted form

of metal was gold if we are to live

better lives where we are not

continually made unhappy by our negative

personality traits we must take each

personality trait that we don't like and

first recognize it within ourselves we

must then accept it by both owning it

and finding a way to approve of it from

there we must find a way to amplify that

personality trait into its most in

alignment or exalted expression here is

an example of exaltation let's say that

someone is a master at mental chess they

play mind games with

people the highest aspect of this trait

what we would call the exalted aspect is

to play mind games with people that

benefit the people though this person

could become a brilliant counselor or

psychologist

they could outsmart other people's Egos

and help them to see things about

themselves that they are totally unaware

of or let's look at another example

maybe somebody's a bully what bullies do

is they push people the exalted form of

being a bully could be that they push

people to be their best if they Embrace

their forceful energy and use it in

situations where people could be

benefited by that Force right such as

when someone needs especially strong

encouragement bullies they establish

dominance within a social group The

exalted version of this dominance is

leadership if this person Embraces their

leadership ability and takes charge when

other people feel as if they need

direction they can rally people to

cooperating with one another in a

specific Direction anytime we love

something which is to bring it close and

included as a part of us instead of push

it away what happens is that we form a

connection with that thing when that

thing feels connected to us it can no

longer hurt us without hurting itself

and as a result its expression begins to

take on a form that benefits us instead

of hurts us one more reason why

connection is so incredibly important

exalting your negative personality

traits and problems is not about going

to war with yourself it is profoundly

self-hating and counterproductive to

want to rid yourself of these traits it

is resistant and whatever we resist

persists so the key is to find the

highest and best use for those so-called

negative

traits fall in love with what you hate

about yourself turn metal into gold on

an internal level so what I want you to

do first is describe yourself what

problems do you have what do you dislike

about yourself what do you feel are the

negative parts of your personality be

very honest about what traits you don't

like about yourself and even hate once

you have your list spend some serious

time thinking about what the highest and

best use of those traits could be what

is the positive exalted form of those

negative things next you want to try to

see the parts of you that you push away

from yourself as a different person or

being within you

this can be done in a very simple

visualization or meditation you can

close your eyes and ask to see the part

of you that you feel bad about allow

whatever appears to appear and then

address this inner self with compassion

I'll give you an example I like using

you may be ashamed of the fact that

you're a bully right we've been talking

about that before so you could close

your eyes and ask to see the part of you

that is a bully when you do this let's

say that the image of a monster that

looks like the Incredible Hulk might

appear you can then spend some time

observing that part of you and then

trying to relate to that part within you

your goal is to see hear feel understand

it right see the value in it I'm going

to give you a tip compassion naturally

arises as a result of relating to

someone's suffering therefore all you

have to do in order to feel compassion

for someone is to deliberately look at

how you relate to their pain so relative

to this exercise you have to

deliberately look at how you relate to

the pain that is belonging to this part

of you you have pushed away in the

example we're using the Hulk personality

within you how is your pain the same as

its Pain by the way this should be

pretty easy because it's part of you

right it's a result of the things you

yourself have gone through can you

identify with this pain looking back

over the course of your life when did

you experience pain that's similar to

what this Hulk aspect of you is feeling

try to remember what that felt like and

what you were thinking what did you

really need back then when you were in

that same kind of pain if you are

terrified of deliber really looking for

how you relate to someone even if that

is a Persona within you you need to ask

yourself why what bad thing do I think

will happen if I relate to this thing or

feel close to this thing that I've been

pushing away or I'm the same as this

thing that I've been pushing away using

this example you need to try to see into

this Persona this Hulk Persona that

we've been talking about feel into it

listen to it learn about it and

understand it completely what are its

needs and desires and why again you may

not be pushing away an aspect that's

like Hulk I'm just using an example the

next step is to compassionately

challenge the push away thoughts that

arise as a result of asking these

questions for example if you think a

thought towards an aspect that you've

pushed away like this part is going to

destroy people's lives I want you to get

into the mental space of philosophical

debate if you were a lawyer whose job it

was to prove that this part of you is

not going to destroy people's lives what

would your case be keep in mind that if

you would like can also involve other

people in this process so they can help

you to make a case for the parts of you

that you have pushed away because

sometimes other people have a lot less

resistance two aspects of us than we do

to take this practice even deeper you

can work directly with a part of you

that you do not love you can do this

using Parts work but specifically you do

this with each and every part of you

that you do not love as well as each and

every part to the opposite the part of

you that is not acting in a loving way

towards another part of you to

understand how to apply this process I

really encourage you to watch my video

that's titled Parts work what is Parts

work and how to do it the goal being to

change the perspective that you hold

inside of you toward the part of you

that you do not love and to reach

agreement on a new way of being that is

loving towards yourself so that you can

understand the most important thing to

do in order to develop self- Lov here is

an example Tuan was the first person in

her family to be born in the United

States her her family immigrated from

Vietnam to Orange County California and

it is here that she developed a lot of

her problems with herself it is here

that her struggle with self- love began

just to pick one of many things that

were to become a self-love issue Tu Yen

was a quiet and broody child and this

was not received well her peers called

her a weirdo and made fun of her

incessantly she desperately wanted

connection but no one wanted to be

friends with her the way she was over

time Tu Yen learned how to act like the

their kids acted how to be talkative and

bubbly and how to act happy she learned

to reject her Broody quiet self to push

it away the thing is it didn't go away

it was just something that she hid from

everyone when Tu Yen was in her mid 20s

as a result of a series of painful

relationships in which she did not feel

loved she became interested in the idea

of self-love as a part of this process

of trying to figure out how to love

herself she finally got that the

foundation of self- Lov was to practice

love toward the parts of her that she

disliked and hated so first she decided

to exalt the very things about her that

she pushed away starting with being

Broody and quiet she wrote a whole list

of things that were good about it things

like to be bruty you have to be mindful

I really dislike people who are not

mindful so I like that it makes me

Mindful and broody people are deep in

thought the people who I grew up around

were not deep thinkers and that is why

their lives are so void of meaning

because of my broodiness I can't avoid

having a life of deep meaning and

another one is broodiness means someone

can see and identify problems for Tu Yen

she's like oh wait I use the skill in my

job every day in fact my paycheck

depends on it and without it people

could get seriously hurt and I was

unhappy because the people around me

were doing so much unconsciously like

painful stuff to each other and to me

every day my broodiness was an

indication that I was affected by it if

I were to not be affected by it I would

have to be disconnected that would make

me part of the problem not part of the

solution tuen then did Parts work with

the Broody quiet part of her and the

part that opposed it what she found is

that the part of her that was quiet and

broody was a six-year-old version of

herself a child who embodied all of the

things that her peers in school rejected

her for not just the broodiness

ironically and that that part of her

that was rejecting that other Broody

part was was the image of an Orange

County Housewife this part of her didn't

even look Asian instead it looked like a

Caucasian woman whose identity and

values were an exact mirror of the

people in her peer group and what they

valued things like status wealth being

on top of the ladder of social hierarchy

Caucasian Beauty fun surface talk and

Trends and this part of her looked down

on pied ignored and rejected her other

part the one that was Broody and quiet

and Asian and had different interests

than everyone else did Etc tuen realized

that she had internalized her own

earliest

haters as a method of protecting herself

from their rejection and as a way of

ensuring her needs for inclusion and

connection and approval would be met

through the process that she did with

these two parts of herself tuen was able

to see that she never actually got

connection or

approval why because what people were

connecting with and approving of was a

facade not really her so at face value

it seemed to work but it actually made

things worse due to the awareness of the

damage that it was causing herself

self-hating

protector decided to repurpose itself

the cause of putting tuen in places and

around people whose worldview and

interests were compatible to tuan's core

Tuan was able to understand the part of

herself that she had not been loving

towards for over 20 years and developed

compassion and care towards it she was

able to admit ad MIT that this part of

her is in fact what is real about her

and she decided to act in its best

interests by designing a life according

to its values and needs this meant

spending less time with certain friends

this meant prioritizing her volunteer

efforts that she is super super

passionate about this entailed not

acting happy when she is not happy and

instead setting this very firm boundy

for herself that she will only develop

close relationships with the people in

her life that are able to meet her where

wherever she is emotionally this means

people who are able to be in a

relationship to what is real about her

at any given time it also meant seeking

out things that make her happy no matter

how unique or weird that they may be we

all know at some level that it's

important to love ourselves but when

people say all you have to do is love

yourself it's kind of like telling a

child in kindergarten that he or she has

to solve a college physics

equation like a bewildered child we have

no idea where to begin the answer is We

Begin by integrating the very things we

dislike about ourselves and the Very

things that we are trying to push

away have a good week

[Music]