Embracing Thought: The Power of Language and Choice | David Fisher | TEDxYouth@MageeSecondary
Summary
TLDRThe speaker reflects on how changing the mindset from 'I have to' to 'I get to' can empower individuals and change their perspective on life. By framing tasks as opportunities rather than obligations, it fosters a sense of choice and personal agency. This approach can influence not only oneself but also the people around them through a ripple effect. The speaker emphasizes that while it may be challenging to shift this mindset, doing so can lead to more fulfilling relationships and experiences, ultimately contributing to positive change on a broader scale.
Takeaways
- 😊 Shifting from 'I have to' to 'I get to' empowers us by creating a sense of choice rather than obligation.
- 📺 The speaker grew up watching older TV shows with moral lessons, which influenced their perspective on responsibility and expectations.
- 🧠 Our brains compartmentalize experiences, often reinforcing negative self-beliefs like being 'stupid' or 'clumsy' based on past events.
- 🎓 Changing our language from 'I have to' to 'I get to' can reframe our mindset towards opportunities and challenges, such as studying or working.
- 💬 The words we use impact our sense of empowerment, allowing us to take control of our actions rather than feeling burdened by them.
- 👂 We 'get to' listen to others, such as family or friends, and this act of listening can positively influence our relationships and social connections.
- 🌍 Our actions and attitudes affect others in ways that extend beyond immediate interactions, impacting people through three degrees of influence.
- 💡 The speaker shared a personal story about realizing this shift in perspective with their daughter, emphasizing the importance of choice.
- 🗣 The speaker humorously reflected on how they themselves fell into the 'have to' mindset while preparing this very speech.
- 🎉 Embracing the mindset of 'I get to' allows us to see opportunities in everyday tasks and interactions, fostering personal growth and positive influence.
Q & A
What personal experience does the speaker share at the beginning of the speech?
-The speaker shares that they grew up with their grandparents after their father passed away when they were five years old.
How does the speaker describe the influence of TV shows from the 1950s on their childhood?
-The speaker recalls watching TV shows like 'Leave it to Beaver' and 'I Love Lucy' with their grandparents, noting that these shows often featured moral lessons and involved children learning responsibility, such as apologizing for mistakes.
What is the main issue the speaker identifies with the phrase 'have to'?
-The speaker argues that saying 'I have to' is disempowering because it feels like an obligation and removes the sense of choice in performing an action.
How does the brain respond to negative thoughts, according to the speaker?
-The speaker explains that the brain creates mental 'files' for experiences, such as 'stupid' or 'clumsy' moments, and categorizes similar experiences together, which reinforces negative self-perceptions.
What alternative does the speaker offer to the phrase 'have to'?
-The speaker suggests replacing 'have to' with 'get to,' which reframes the activity as a privilege or opportunity, thus creating a more empowering mindset.
How does the speaker address the issue of toxic positivity in relation to changing one's mindset?
-The speaker clarifies that this approach is not about dismissing negative emotions. It's important to acknowledge and sit with difficult feelings, but the reframing helps create a more positive perspective over time.
What example does the speaker give to illustrate how reframing 'have to' can change one’s mindset?
-The speaker gives the example of someone getting married. Instead of saying 'I have to get married,' one would say 'I get to get married,' which feels more empowering and joyful.
What research does the speaker cite to support the idea of personal influence extending to others?
-The speaker references sociologist Nicholas Christakis, who theorized that our influence extends to three degrees, meaning that how we treat others can affect not only them but also their friends and their friends' friends.
What final anecdote does the speaker share about practicing the 'get to' mindset?
-The speaker shares a personal story about preparing a speech. Despite advocating for using 'get to' instead of 'have to,' they caught themselves saying 'I have to prepare a speech,' which led to an 'existential crisis' and a moment of self-reflection.
What is the overall message the speaker wants to convey to the audience?
-The speaker encourages the audience to reframe their thinking from 'have to' to 'get to,' which can create a sense of empowerment and positivity in their daily lives. This shift can also influence others and contribute to positive change in the world.
Outlines
🧠 Understanding 'Have to' vs. 'Get to'
The speaker reflects on their upbringing with grandparents and watching old TV shows like 'Leave it to Beaver' and 'I Love Lucy.' These shows had moral lessons, often involving children completing tasks reluctantly, like cleaning rooms or apologizing. The speaker compares this to how we approach obligations today, framing tasks as 'have to' rather than 'get to.' This 'have to' mindset disempowers us, locking our brain into negative pathways that accumulate over time. The speaker suggests reframing obligations as opportunities, making them feel more empowering and less obligatory.
🎧 The Power of Listening and Influence
The speaker explores the impact of reframing 'have to' as 'get to' by sharing the story of listening to others. They reference sociologist Nicholas Christakis, who theorizes that our influence extends to three degrees of separation. This means our positive actions, like listening to someone, can affect not only that person but their friends and even their friends’ parents. The speaker emphasizes how much power we hold in shaping the world around us, just by changing our mindset from obligation ('have to') to opportunity ('get to').
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Have to
💡Get to
💡Empowerment
💡Brain compartmentalization
💡Influence
💡Choice
💡Negativity bias
💡Toxic positivity
💡Responsibility
💡Three degrees of separation
Highlights
The speaker grew up with grandparents and was influenced by the TV shows they watched, like 'Leave it to Beaver' and 'I Love Lucy.'
These shows often portrayed moral lessons and responsibilities for children, which shaped the speaker's understanding of tasks like cleaning, studying, and apologizing.
The speaker compares the human brain's organization to a computer file system, where negative experiences are stored in files and influence future self-perception.
The speaker argues that saying 'I have to' reinforces disempowering feelings and creates a negative mental association with the task.
Instead of 'I have to,' the speaker suggests using 'I get to,' which fosters a sense of empowerment and choice.
The shift from 'have to' to 'get to' changes one's perspective, making even routine or unpleasant tasks feel like opportunities rather than burdens.
The speaker emphasizes that this mental shift isn't about toxic positivity, but about reframing tasks to regain a sense of choice.
The example of not 'having to get married' but 'getting to get married' shows how even large life events can feel empowering with this mindset.
The brain reinforces patterns of behavior and thought, so frequently saying 'I have to' strengthens negative associations with tasks.
The speaker shares a story about telling his daughter she 'gets to go to work' instead of 'having to go to work,' which emphasizes the power of reframing.
By adopting 'get to' thinking, individuals can take control of their life experiences instead of being led by obligations.
This shift in language and mindset has the potential to influence others, as people's emotions and actions can affect up to three degrees of separation.
The speaker humorously reflects on his own contradiction, preparing a speech about 'getting to prepare a speech,' which reinforces the importance of self-awareness in making this shift.
When people feel empowered by 'get to,' their attitudes shift positively, which can spread to friends, family, and even wider communities.
In conclusion, changing 'have to' into 'get to' is a small but powerful way to change one's perspective, influence others, and improve the world around us.
Transcripts
foreign
I grew up with my grandparents
my dad died when I was five
it's really nice way to start a
successful speech right
but I grew up with them and they would
watch TV and the TV shows that they
would watch would be the TV shows that
they watched when they were young so my
10 year old self was watching shows that
they watched when they were not more
than 10. some of you might recognize the
name some of you may not that's okay but
like Leave it to Beaver I Love Lucy
these types of sort of comedic shows in
the 50s that had this this moral story
to kind of go along with it
and a lot of these shows they had
children that would have to do so they'd
have to clean their room they'd have to
do their homework they'd have to
apologize to the neighbor for breaking
the window with a baseball or whatever
it might be
and they would say to their mom or dad
or whoever in the god gee mom do I have
to do I have to apologize do I have to
clean my room Aji dad do I have to study
I would kind of like that aren't we
do I have to go to that 8 AM class
do I have to study chemistry
that I have to go to work
to have to wear pants
we were online for like two years right
so do I have to now do I have to do
these things
our brain
compartmentalizes just like a file on a
computer we create a document we put it
in the file like last year's taxes or
the taxes I've never done or whatever it
might be we create these files and these
files get bigger and it brain does that
a little bit as well so if you're on a
date
if you're out with family you're at this
nice restaurant and you knock over a
drink and it ends up all over the the
server and all over each other and you
go oh I'm so stupid
oh I'm so clumsy
your brain goes oh this is a stupid
clumsy moment I'm gonna put this in
these stupid clumsy file and it creates
a pathway that makes that file bigger
and bigger it's all the stupid and
clumsy moments that we have in our lives
and it sort of reminds us of all the
other times we were stupid or clumsy or
all the other times
we were told we were stupid or clumsy
and the have to is kind of the same way
I have to wake up early to go to class I
have to wake up early to teach or to get
the kids to school or whatever it might
be and it goes into all the other half
dues and what's the problem with half
twos
it's disempowering
it doesn't really feel like we have a
choice does it
so what if we could change that
word
not change the feeling because this
isn't about toxic positivity and
dismissing negative or unhealthy or bad
feelings if you've got a feeling feel it
sit with that energy anger or depression
or sadness or whatever it might be
that's okay
but we can still start thinking a little
bit differently about it and when we do
that eventually our feelings will follow
suit
so maybe
you don't have to study chemistry
you get
to study chemistry
maybe you don't have to go to that 9 A.M
meeting or 8 A.M meeting
you get
to go to that 8 am meeting
see we don't have to get married
I mean in some cultures Maybe
but one doesn't call up the parent and
go oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh I
have to get married
because oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh
I'm getting married
feels empowering we have more of a
choice when we get to do things as
opposed to when we have to do things we
get to have dinner with the in-laws we
get to wear pants
we get
to listen to our teenager
about their feelings
or about their struggles
and teenagers we get to listen to our
parents
when they talk to you about what it was
like when they were young when they were
your age
what if
we could take that little word from have
to
and turn it
get to
we get
to listen to one another
we listen to people all the time don't
we
we listened to teachers we listen to
podcasts we listen to music we listen to
our parents
supposedly
listen to your kids
but what if we get to give someone else
the feeling of being
heard
so when we leave here today and you have
the conversations about the event or
about school which is almost out and
some of you are graduating
you don't have to go out to eat and have
a conversation
you get to
and when you have that empowering
thought that doesn't just change you
that changes everyone
around you
Nicholas christakis who's a sociologist
he's determined and theorized actually
proven out that our influence extends to
three degrees
what does that mean
it means if I'm nice to Tina who's one
of the organizers of the event or
tinklin I don't know who's in the
audience right now all I see is lights
but if I'm nice to them
according to Nicholas christakis
they feel a little bit better about
themselves
but the way I treat them affects them
and their friends
so when you get to listen to your
teenager
maybe that affects your teenager's
ability to listen and to positively
affect your teenager's friend which can
in effect
affect your teenagers friends parents
Neighbors
or somebody else who may live in another
country
we are more influential than we think
and the beauty of that see can be good
news and bad news but the beauty of that
is that we can take that little word I
have to
and turn it into I get to
and I'll leave you with a final story I
had this Revelation I'm probably not the
first person to think of switching this
little word but I was really excited
when I thought about it six months ago I
thought oh this is speech material and
as a speaker I'm always looking for that
and I walked into my daughter
my daughter's room and she's in
University
and which means I rarely see her and I
popped my head into a room and I said
hey how's it going and she goes ah I
have to get up and go to work in the
morning she worked at a coffee shop and
I said you know
and then I gave her this Ted Talk that
you all just heard
and she looked at me we we think exactly
alike we are we could finish each
other's sentences we feel the same or
empathetic big picture details confuse
us so we think in pictures and creative
stories and all this and she looks at me
with wisdom and she thought oh my gosh
my dad is so smart she looks me dead in
the eye and says no thanks Dad I'm okay
and I said you know what that's
your choice to say whether I have to go
to work or I get to go to work just by
knowing the fact that you have that
choice gives you more empowerment over
your life so you're not just
letting life Lead You by the caller but
you're taking it and saying I'm gonna
choose to have to I'm gonna choose to be
angry about this and that's okay because
you're making that choice
now it's a little bit harder to do than
to say
because the other day I was chatting
with a friend and they said what are you
doing and I said well I'm having to
prepare a speech
and they responded and said isn't it
great you get to prepare for something
that you love to do and I went
and I scrolled up and went oh my gosh I
said I have to prepare a speech I'm
writing a speech about I have to prepare
a speech about how you shouldn't use I
have to but I get to
I had this existential crisis and said
you're now in my speech
so it is
to say when we are faced with that
moment where we feel like we don't have
a choice
to say I don't have to do this thing I
get to
and when you leave today you get to
extend conversations and relationships
and extend what's happening today into
success in your own life and watch it
spread from your own life
around to Three Degrees of Separation
which means in effect is some of the
students talked about today
that is a small But Mighty way all of us
can change the world
thank you
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